Today is one of those days.
When I say those, I refer to days where there's so little to do (or in this case, so little to write) that nothing gets done. I spent hours today staring at a blank monitor trying to will something to spill out of my brain via my oh-so nimble fingers.
No dice. I gots nothing.
I thought about writing about the upcoming shoot for Bruce Willis, a little movie to be called Die Hard 4.0 (well, that's what they said they were going to call it). But what can I say about Bruce that would top whatever Lindsay Lohan has told all her friends?
After scotching The McClane Papers, I headed in a direction closer to home. In other words, I abandoned the movie theatre for the close comforts of television. But then I remembered, once again, that the only things of note on my TV right now are my son's fingerprints.
Finally, I picked up the sports section to see if there was anything worth a comment or two. I had some mild interest in the National Basketball Association draft. But slam dunks bore me more than religious programming, so I wasn't going there.
Truth be told, I'm not going anywhere.
So, in the name of just writing something for the sake of writing something, I will lean on an old standby. Well, maybe not an OLD standby, just a "regular run-of-the-mill how's it going that's a nice hat what's for dinner" standby. Um, a NEW standby, actually.
And out of this standby I give you the following question:
Just who the hell does Tom Cruise think he is?
If only I had some answers.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
THEY SAID THAT
Here are the answers to Friday's movie quote quiz, along with commentary that may contain traces of nuts, as well as my usual sense of the whimsical:
(1) "Greetings, programs."
TRON (1982): The words uttered on more than one occasion by video game whiz Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) upon encountering his two friends, played (in two different roles each) by Bruce Boxleitner and Cindy Morgan. Mmmmmm, Cindy Morgan...
(2) "They're too dumb to play with themselves."
SLAP SHOT (1977): Spoken by Charleston Chiefs player-coach Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman), in response to the team manager's opinion that he'd rather have the team's new recruits fiddling with dinky cars than diddling their salamis.
(3) "Who's that little old man?"
A HARD DAY'S NIGHT (1964): A running gag in The Beatles' first film, this line is spoken by just about everyone at one time or another. The little old man in question is Paul McCartney's mischievous grandfather, played to perfection by Wilfrid Brambell.
(4) "There is NO sanctuary."
LOGAN'S RUN (1976): Logan 5 (Michael York) telling the world that no matter how much money they make, celebrities have no place to hide. That, and the domed city he lives in is seriously messed up.
(5) "Can I borrow your underpants?"
SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): Anthony Michael Hall, long before he went all Stephen King on us, in arguably his most popular role. Sam Baker (Molly Ringwald) won't give it up for him, so he settles for the next best thing. A guy has to keep up his reputation, even if it is self-made.
(6) "You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally!"
BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985): Words to clear a mind, as spoken by Doc Emmett Brown (Christopher Lloyd). Thanks to two sequels, these words are littered all over the space-time continuum.
(7) "Chill out, butch."
MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985): The words of wisecracking Vince Latello (Fisher Stevens) upon being "processed" by a burly female cop.
(8) "You're a genius because you can't make a lamp."
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): The movie with the brain, the athlete, the princess, the basket case and the criminal. This line belongs to the criminal, John Bender (Judd Nelson), spoken to Anthony Michael Hall's brain, who is trying to explain why a 16 year-old genius geek needs to keep a gun in his locker.
(9) "We keep you alive to serve this ship. So row well, and live."
BEN-HUR (1959): At one point during this mega, no, MEGA Oscar winner, Charlton Heston's Judah Ben-Hur spends some of his leisure time doing some boating. Wait a minute... Sorry, wrong movie -- that's John Candy in Summer Rental. Actually, at some point in the film Ben-Hur is sentenced to die in the galleys, big Roman warships powered by condemned men essentially chained to their oars. The line is spoken by Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins), who's favourite number later on would be 41.
(10) "The only good human, is a dead human!"
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970): The first sequel (and, to some, the worst), these are the words spoken by General Ursus (James Gregory) while demonstrating what it takes for a futuristic ape to make a good Nazi.
(11) "You could use a good kiss!"
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980): Now renamed Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back, this is the advice doled out by Harrison Ford's Han Solo to Carrie Fisher's frigid Princess Leia, just before the frozen roof of their Hoth stronghold is caved in by the evil Empire. She would warm to him by the bittersweet end of the movie, though.
(12) "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977): They don't make 'em like Sherrif Buford T. Justice anymore. It's probably just as well, since he was a narrow-minded bigot. But damn, he was entertaining. The legendary Jackie Gleason said these words at one point during his movie-long pursuit of Burt Reynolds' Bo "Bandit" Darville.
(13) "His name's Jaws. He kills people."
MOONRAKER (1979): A terrible Bond movie, but with some dandy special effects and a few good lines, like this one. Roger Moore's Bond introduces Lois Chiles' Dr. Holly Goodhead (nothing sexual about that name) to the assassin Jaws, played by 7 foot 2 inch Richard Kiel and his stainless steel prosthetic choppers.
(14) "Otisburgh? OTISBURGH?!"
SUPERMAN (1978): Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) is explaining to Chris Reeve's Superdude what his new west coast will look like after he drops half of California in the ocean with the help of a nuclear missile. Luthor's narcissism shows as names like Marina Del Lex dot the finely crafted map, along with Ned Beatty's Otisburgh, scribbled in with what appears to be a Sharpie. Not surprisingly, Luthor has a cow.
(15) "Only grown-up men are scared of women."
THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965): Young Kurt Von Trapp (Duane Chase), upon being needled by his many siblings, says what no adult male is brave enough to admit.
(16) "Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea."
THE ITALIAN JOB (1969): Not from the sequel, these are the last words spoken in the original movie. Michael Caine's Charlie Croker seems to have pulled off the perfect crime, but then the cliffhanger ending rears its ugly head. And boy, do I mean cliffhanger!
(17) "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975): John Cleese said these words. At least, I think it was John Cleese. All of the Pythons play so many characters sometimes it's difficult to remember who said what, or as they'd say in a Python film, 'oo said wot. Anyway, whoever said it plays a silly French man guarding a castle. This witticism is one of many in the scene, including the just as notable "I fart in your general direction."
(18) "It's hot. Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."
BILOXI BLUES (1988): Matthew Broderick is Eugene Morris Jerome, the main character in a trilogy written by Neil Simon. In this centrepiece of the three, Jerome is off to boot camp where it's hotter than a beach resort in Hell.
(19) "How would you like to have a sexual experience so intense, it could conceivably change your political views?"
THE SURE THING (1986): During the opening scene of the film, Walter "Gib" Gibson (John Cusack) shows the viewing audience how NOT to pick up women.
(20) "Nazis. I hate those guys!"
INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989): Harrison Ford again, saying what any decent human would say when encountering Hitler and his band of genocidal maniacs.
So endeth the first volume of Who Said That? Props to everyone who played, but especially to aka_Monty, who nailed almost two-thirds of them. I think we'll do this again sometime. Anyone interested?
Stay tuned...
(1) "Greetings, programs."
TRON (1982): The words uttered on more than one occasion by video game whiz Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) upon encountering his two friends, played (in two different roles each) by Bruce Boxleitner and Cindy Morgan. Mmmmmm, Cindy Morgan...
(2) "They're too dumb to play with themselves."
SLAP SHOT (1977): Spoken by Charleston Chiefs player-coach Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman), in response to the team manager's opinion that he'd rather have the team's new recruits fiddling with dinky cars than diddling their salamis.
(3) "Who's that little old man?"
A HARD DAY'S NIGHT (1964): A running gag in The Beatles' first film, this line is spoken by just about everyone at one time or another. The little old man in question is Paul McCartney's mischievous grandfather, played to perfection by Wilfrid Brambell.
(4) "There is NO sanctuary."
LOGAN'S RUN (1976): Logan 5 (Michael York) telling the world that no matter how much money they make, celebrities have no place to hide. That, and the domed city he lives in is seriously messed up.
(5) "Can I borrow your underpants?"
SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): Anthony Michael Hall, long before he went all Stephen King on us, in arguably his most popular role. Sam Baker (Molly Ringwald) won't give it up for him, so he settles for the next best thing. A guy has to keep up his reputation, even if it is self-made.
(6) "You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally!"
BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985): Words to clear a mind, as spoken by Doc Emmett Brown (Christopher Lloyd). Thanks to two sequels, these words are littered all over the space-time continuum.
(7) "Chill out, butch."
MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985): The words of wisecracking Vince Latello (Fisher Stevens) upon being "processed" by a burly female cop.
(8) "You're a genius because you can't make a lamp."
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): The movie with the brain, the athlete, the princess, the basket case and the criminal. This line belongs to the criminal, John Bender (Judd Nelson), spoken to Anthony Michael Hall's brain, who is trying to explain why a 16 year-old genius geek needs to keep a gun in his locker.
(9) "We keep you alive to serve this ship. So row well, and live."
BEN-HUR (1959): At one point during this mega, no, MEGA Oscar winner, Charlton Heston's Judah Ben-Hur spends some of his leisure time doing some boating. Wait a minute... Sorry, wrong movie -- that's John Candy in Summer Rental. Actually, at some point in the film Ben-Hur is sentenced to die in the galleys, big Roman warships powered by condemned men essentially chained to their oars. The line is spoken by Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins), who's favourite number later on would be 41.
(10) "The only good human, is a dead human!"
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970): The first sequel (and, to some, the worst), these are the words spoken by General Ursus (James Gregory) while demonstrating what it takes for a futuristic ape to make a good Nazi.
(11) "You could use a good kiss!"
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980): Now renamed Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back, this is the advice doled out by Harrison Ford's Han Solo to Carrie Fisher's frigid Princess Leia, just before the frozen roof of their Hoth stronghold is caved in by the evil Empire. She would warm to him by the bittersweet end of the movie, though.
(12) "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977): They don't make 'em like Sherrif Buford T. Justice anymore. It's probably just as well, since he was a narrow-minded bigot. But damn, he was entertaining. The legendary Jackie Gleason said these words at one point during his movie-long pursuit of Burt Reynolds' Bo "Bandit" Darville.
(13) "His name's Jaws. He kills people."
MOONRAKER (1979): A terrible Bond movie, but with some dandy special effects and a few good lines, like this one. Roger Moore's Bond introduces Lois Chiles' Dr. Holly Goodhead (nothing sexual about that name) to the assassin Jaws, played by 7 foot 2 inch Richard Kiel and his stainless steel prosthetic choppers.
(14) "Otisburgh? OTISBURGH?!"
SUPERMAN (1978): Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) is explaining to Chris Reeve's Superdude what his new west coast will look like after he drops half of California in the ocean with the help of a nuclear missile. Luthor's narcissism shows as names like Marina Del Lex dot the finely crafted map, along with Ned Beatty's Otisburgh, scribbled in with what appears to be a Sharpie. Not surprisingly, Luthor has a cow.
(15) "Only grown-up men are scared of women."
THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965): Young Kurt Von Trapp (Duane Chase), upon being needled by his many siblings, says what no adult male is brave enough to admit.
(16) "Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea."
THE ITALIAN JOB (1969): Not from the sequel, these are the last words spoken in the original movie. Michael Caine's Charlie Croker seems to have pulled off the perfect crime, but then the cliffhanger ending rears its ugly head. And boy, do I mean cliffhanger!
(17) "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975): John Cleese said these words. At least, I think it was John Cleese. All of the Pythons play so many characters sometimes it's difficult to remember who said what, or as they'd say in a Python film, 'oo said wot. Anyway, whoever said it plays a silly French man guarding a castle. This witticism is one of many in the scene, including the just as notable "I fart in your general direction."
(18) "It's hot. Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."
BILOXI BLUES (1988): Matthew Broderick is Eugene Morris Jerome, the main character in a trilogy written by Neil Simon. In this centrepiece of the three, Jerome is off to boot camp where it's hotter than a beach resort in Hell.
(19) "How would you like to have a sexual experience so intense, it could conceivably change your political views?"
THE SURE THING (1986): During the opening scene of the film, Walter "Gib" Gibson (John Cusack) shows the viewing audience how NOT to pick up women.
(20) "Nazis. I hate those guys!"
INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989): Harrison Ford again, saying what any decent human would say when encountering Hitler and his band of genocidal maniacs.
So endeth the first volume of Who Said That? Props to everyone who played, but especially to aka_Monty, who nailed almost two-thirds of them. I think we'll do this again sometime. Anyone interested?
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 26, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.03
(DISCLAIMER: I can't handle the truth... so I make shit up.)
Good morning -- that's for you folks on the west side of the continent. A hearty g'dafternoon to most of the rest of you. It's Sunday again, a day when I wear my neuroses like a thong that's two sizes too small. Please don't ask.
Anyway, I've been revived. I haven't had breakfast yet, but that's only because the high school puke at the Golden Arches wouldn't serve me any damn eggs. I hope his bike gets a flat on the way home.
Okay. I'm through bitching about me. Time for the Crapola. Percussionist, do your stuff.
What, no drum roll? This day sucks. Ah, well. Here goes nothing:
STEVEN SPIELBERG
At the recent Jaws Fest held at Martha's Vineyard, a rumour was floating around that a fifth Jaws movie would be made, to be helmed by Mr. Kate Capshaw himself. Whether or not Roy Scheider or Richard Dreyfuss would be taking part is anyone's guess, but fans at the Fest started a petition with the hopes that they could convince Spielberg to make Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes the new Bruce's first victims.
BILLY CORGAN
The former head of what used to be The Smashing Pumpkins has come out of the music studio closet with his desire to reform the popular band. There has been no reaction thus far from bandmates D'Archy, James Iha and Jimmy Chamberlin. But Corgan is obviously confident, stating that once he succeeds in getting the Pumpkins reSmashed, he's going to try something really challenging -- like getting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie back together.
TOM SIZEMORE
A former favourite actor of Heidi Fleiss, the beefy thespian denied in court that he had used a prosthetic penis, called a Whizzinator, to falsify a drug test. When asked by counsel whether he had used the device, Sizemore answered "no sir, I was way too stoned to play with my own pecker, let alone a fake one."
OPRAH WINFREY
The gal who gives cars away for a living was shopping in Paris last week when she was turned away by upscale retailer Hermès. Despite the fact that people inside appeared to be shopping, the store decided it didn't want a bottomless wallet like Oprah to make their day. A frustrated Winfrey left in a huff, muttering "they don't treat me like this at Wal-Mart."
INXS/LiLO
The remaining members of erstwhile Aussie rock band INXS is currently participating in a reality TV show to audition potential replacements for lead singer Michael Hutchence, who committed suicide in 1997. Not wanting to be outdone, Lindsay Lohan is investigating the idea of a similar reality show to audition replacements for her not-quite-dead but he's-an-idiot father.
MEGAN MULLALLY
The multi-voiced Will & Grace actress is preparing for the end of the sitcom by lining up several future projects, including a talk show tentatively scheduled to start in 2006. Word of the proposed show was leaked by Mullally's publicist, along with the news that the actress is again being treated in rehab for a recurring helium addiction.
BEN AFFLECK
The actor, who has retained a detective agency to help find his career, denied media reports that he and galpal Jennifer Garner had tied the knot last weekend. An indignant Affleck told reporters to use their heads, saying that "before we tell you guys we got married, we have to do the respectful thing and tell all of our exes first."
KATHY HILTON
Proving that the tree doesn't fall far from the apple, the mom of Paris now has her own reality show called I Want To Be a Hilton. Along the lines of The Apprentice, The Mother of All Celebutants will be "auditioning" hopefuls to see who is worthy of wearing the still jewelled, but slightly stained Hilton crown. One can only assume the winner will be schooled in all the necessary Hilton skills, such as shopping, media whoring, surreptitious porn filming, bad acting, nipple-slipping and fasting.
The End. Finito. Now where can I get me some eggs?
Stay tuned...
Good morning -- that's for you folks on the west side of the continent. A hearty g'dafternoon to most of the rest of you. It's Sunday again, a day when I wear my neuroses like a thong that's two sizes too small. Please don't ask.
Anyway, I've been revived. I haven't had breakfast yet, but that's only because the high school puke at the Golden Arches wouldn't serve me any damn eggs. I hope his bike gets a flat on the way home.
Okay. I'm through bitching about me. Time for the Crapola. Percussionist, do your stuff.
What, no drum roll? This day sucks. Ah, well. Here goes nothing:
STEVEN SPIELBERG
At the recent Jaws Fest held at Martha's Vineyard, a rumour was floating around that a fifth Jaws movie would be made, to be helmed by Mr. Kate Capshaw himself. Whether or not Roy Scheider or Richard Dreyfuss would be taking part is anyone's guess, but fans at the Fest started a petition with the hopes that they could convince Spielberg to make Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes the new Bruce's first victims.
BILLY CORGAN
The former head of what used to be The Smashing Pumpkins has come out of the music studio closet with his desire to reform the popular band. There has been no reaction thus far from bandmates D'Archy, James Iha and Jimmy Chamberlin. But Corgan is obviously confident, stating that once he succeeds in getting the Pumpkins reSmashed, he's going to try something really challenging -- like getting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie back together.
TOM SIZEMORE
A former favourite actor of Heidi Fleiss, the beefy thespian denied in court that he had used a prosthetic penis, called a Whizzinator, to falsify a drug test. When asked by counsel whether he had used the device, Sizemore answered "no sir, I was way too stoned to play with my own pecker, let alone a fake one."
OPRAH WINFREY
The gal who gives cars away for a living was shopping in Paris last week when she was turned away by upscale retailer Hermès. Despite the fact that people inside appeared to be shopping, the store decided it didn't want a bottomless wallet like Oprah to make their day. A frustrated Winfrey left in a huff, muttering "they don't treat me like this at Wal-Mart."
INXS/LiLO
The remaining members of erstwhile Aussie rock band INXS is currently participating in a reality TV show to audition potential replacements for lead singer Michael Hutchence, who committed suicide in 1997. Not wanting to be outdone, Lindsay Lohan is investigating the idea of a similar reality show to audition replacements for her not-quite-dead but he's-an-idiot father.
MEGAN MULLALLY
The multi-voiced Will & Grace actress is preparing for the end of the sitcom by lining up several future projects, including a talk show tentatively scheduled to start in 2006. Word of the proposed show was leaked by Mullally's publicist, along with the news that the actress is again being treated in rehab for a recurring helium addiction.
BEN AFFLECK
The actor, who has retained a detective agency to help find his career, denied media reports that he and galpal Jennifer Garner had tied the knot last weekend. An indignant Affleck told reporters to use their heads, saying that "before we tell you guys we got married, we have to do the respectful thing and tell all of our exes first."
KATHY HILTON
Proving that the tree doesn't fall far from the apple, the mom of Paris now has her own reality show called I Want To Be a Hilton. Along the lines of The Apprentice, The Mother of All Celebutants will be "auditioning" hopefuls to see who is worthy of wearing the still jewelled, but slightly stained Hilton crown. One can only assume the winner will be schooled in all the necessary Hilton skills, such as shopping, media whoring, surreptitious porn filming, bad acting, nipple-slipping and fasting.
The End. Finito. Now where can I get me some eggs?
Stay tuned...
Friday, June 24, 2005
WHO SAID THAT?
It's June -- what, you didn't know?
Well, from where I'm sitting, that can only mean three things: there's nothing on TV,the National Hockey League champs have just had their Stanley Cup parade, and the American Film Institute has just announced its latest 100 greatest movie lines.
Um, I guess Meatloaf was right. Two out of three, and all that...
Today, I'm going to stick with the movie lines. Being a fan of motion pictures -- and having a memory that remembers everything, unless it's important -- it's only natural that I be able to recite a great many films from memory. About a tenth of the sentences I utter include the words "that reminds me of a movie."
I'm not going to comment too much on the AFI's list, which has the usual suspects (Nicholson, Brando, Bogart). I will say I'm disappointed that number 35 didn't rank higher. That would be Roy Scheider's famous "you're gonna need a bigger boat" quip, upon coming (literally) face to face with the catch of the day in Jaws.
But the Top 100 list got me thinking of some of my own personal faves that didn't make the list -- some for obvious reason, fromage being what it is. In any event, see if you can guess where these cinematic masterpieces slash mildewpieces came from (in no particular order):
(1) "Greetings, programs."
(2) "They're too dumb to play with themselves."
(3) "Who's that little old man?"
(4) "There is NO sanctuary."
(5) "Can I borrow your underpants?"
(6) "You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally!"
(7) "Chill out, butch."
(8) "You're a genius because you can't make a lamp."
(9) "We keep you alive to serve this ship. So row well, and live."
(10) "The only good human, is a dead human!"
(11) "You could use a good kiss!"
(12) "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."
(13) "His name's Jaws. He kills people."
(14) "Otisburgh? OTISBURGH?!"
(15) "Only grown-up men are scared of women."
(16) "Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea."
(17) "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
(18) "It's hot. Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."
(19) "How would you like to have a sexual experience so intense, it could conceivably change your political views?"
(20) "Nazis. I hate those guys!"
What's the movie, and who said the line? The comments section is now open.
(UPDATE: The answers will be posted on Monday.)
Stay tuned...
Well, from where I'm sitting, that can only mean three things: there's nothing on TV,
Um, I guess Meatloaf was right. Two out of three, and all that...
Today, I'm going to stick with the movie lines. Being a fan of motion pictures -- and having a memory that remembers everything, unless it's important -- it's only natural that I be able to recite a great many films from memory. About a tenth of the sentences I utter include the words "that reminds me of a movie."
I'm not going to comment too much on the AFI's list, which has the usual suspects (Nicholson, Brando, Bogart). I will say I'm disappointed that number 35 didn't rank higher. That would be Roy Scheider's famous "you're gonna need a bigger boat" quip, upon coming (literally) face to face with the catch of the day in Jaws.
But the Top 100 list got me thinking of some of my own personal faves that didn't make the list -- some for obvious reason, fromage being what it is. In any event, see if you can guess where these cinematic masterpieces slash mildewpieces came from (in no particular order):
(1) "Greetings, programs."
(2) "They're too dumb to play with themselves."
(3) "Who's that little old man?"
(4) "There is NO sanctuary."
(5) "Can I borrow your underpants?"
(6) "You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally!"
(7) "Chill out, butch."
(8) "You're a genius because you can't make a lamp."
(9) "We keep you alive to serve this ship. So row well, and live."
(10) "The only good human, is a dead human!"
(11) "You could use a good kiss!"
(12) "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."
(13) "His name's Jaws. He kills people."
(14) "Otisburgh? OTISBURGH?!"
(15) "Only grown-up men are scared of women."
(16) "Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea."
(17) "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
(18) "It's hot. Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."
(19) "How would you like to have a sexual experience so intense, it could conceivably change your political views?"
(20) "Nazis. I hate those guys!"
What's the movie, and who said the line? The comments section is now open.
(UPDATE: The answers will be posted on Monday.)
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
SIX PACKS, SETBACKS AND SIGNATURES
"Commentary on entertainment, sports and other assorted crap."
-- It's written up there somewhere...
* * * * *
On behalf of Tommy Barf-olomew and myself, I apologize.
Things around here have been pretty one-sided. Yeah, the header contains the words "entertainment" AND "sports" (not to mention "crap"), but it's not my fault. The Barfman (AKA Tom Cruise) is mostly to blame for my ignorance when it comes to the happenings in the sporting end of things. But unfortunately, he's been way too interesting to ignore lately. I wouldn't be living up to the new name of this site if I didn't spend significant time highlighting Cruise's lowlights.
Ah, yes -- lowlights. That's what I'm on about today, but not in the world of entertainment. Today's focus shifts the spotlight to the professional sporting community, which has seen some really odd happenings over the last few days.
Where shall we head first? Howzabout Indianapolis.
Formula One racing is considered, in Europe, to be part of the sporting high society. That means lots of wine and, consequently, lots of whine. So imagine my surprise this past weekend when F1 denigrated itself by ditching the grapes in favour of a six pack.
Sounds almost NASCARian. Except we're not talkin' about beer. There was still plenty of whine, though.
The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is hallowed ground to North American racing enthusiasts. But the withdrawal of 14 of 20 cars due to tire safety concerns (Bridgestone stock=GOOD, Michelin stock=BAD) during Sunday's U.S. Grand Prix all but desecrated the place. The race went on with just six cars, causing fans to litter the joint with a balanced shower of debris and expletives.
Normally, Indianapolis is filled with the sweet smell of burning fuel and rubber. The only things burning on this day were the ears of F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone. But as sour as the faces were in Indy, there was at least one face on a different course that was at least as sour.
Indianapolis was a secondary event on the American sporting calendar this past weekend, with golf's U.S. Open occurring at North Carolina's Pinehurst Resort and Country Club. And while Indy won the trophy for strangeness, two-time and defending U.S. Open champ Retief Goosen won the title for, um, chokeness.
Goosen pretty much owned the tournament for the first three rounds, heading into the final eighteen with a three-stroke lead. But a funny thing happened on the way to the silverware. Not only did Goosen fail to win, but he collapsed like a balsa wood bridge beneath Godzillian feet. Wearing his bravest Greg Norman face, Goosen shot an 11-over 81 on Sunday and fell to 11th place. There are reports that his putter may never be seen alive again.
Bizarre, indeed. But if you think the weird was over, think again.
One final strange note for the weekend actually occurred on Monday, with the National Basketball Association striking a new collective bargaining agreement with its players' association, setting a new record for rapidity in pro sports labour negotiations. NBA Commissioner David Stern, at his fatherly best, has obviously made the players eat their vegetables.
As for that other labour thingy...
The National Hockey League still doesn't have a deal -- more than a year after the last NHL game was played -- although an agreement will supposedly be reached in a week or two. Does the phrase "I'll believe it when I see it" ring a bell? Obviously, the children of the NHL are far more rebellious than their NBA counterparts. When NHL Daddy Gary Bettman tried last fall to get his little skaters to eat their veggies, they told him where to stick 'em. Consequently, Bettman did what any good parent would do -- he grounded them for a year.
So there you have it -- some truly wacky goings-on in the world of sports. Suddenly, Tommy Barf-olomew's shenanigans don't seem so wacky, afterall.
Stay tuned...
-- It's written up there somewhere...
* * * * *
On behalf of Tommy Barf-olomew and myself, I apologize.
Things around here have been pretty one-sided. Yeah, the header contains the words "entertainment" AND "sports" (not to mention "crap"), but it's not my fault. The Barfman (AKA Tom Cruise) is mostly to blame for my ignorance when it comes to the happenings in the sporting end of things. But unfortunately, he's been way too interesting to ignore lately. I wouldn't be living up to the new name of this site if I didn't spend significant time highlighting Cruise's lowlights.
Ah, yes -- lowlights. That's what I'm on about today, but not in the world of entertainment. Today's focus shifts the spotlight to the professional sporting community, which has seen some really odd happenings over the last few days.
Where shall we head first? Howzabout Indianapolis.
Formula One racing is considered, in Europe, to be part of the sporting high society. That means lots of wine and, consequently, lots of whine. So imagine my surprise this past weekend when F1 denigrated itself by ditching the grapes in favour of a six pack.
Sounds almost NASCARian. Except we're not talkin' about beer. There was still plenty of whine, though.
The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is hallowed ground to North American racing enthusiasts. But the withdrawal of 14 of 20 cars due to tire safety concerns (Bridgestone stock=GOOD, Michelin stock=BAD) during Sunday's U.S. Grand Prix all but desecrated the place. The race went on with just six cars, causing fans to litter the joint with a balanced shower of debris and expletives.
Normally, Indianapolis is filled with the sweet smell of burning fuel and rubber. The only things burning on this day were the ears of F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone. But as sour as the faces were in Indy, there was at least one face on a different course that was at least as sour.
Indianapolis was a secondary event on the American sporting calendar this past weekend, with golf's U.S. Open occurring at North Carolina's Pinehurst Resort and Country Club. And while Indy won the trophy for strangeness, two-time and defending U.S. Open champ Retief Goosen won the title for, um, chokeness.
Goosen pretty much owned the tournament for the first three rounds, heading into the final eighteen with a three-stroke lead. But a funny thing happened on the way to the silverware. Not only did Goosen fail to win, but he collapsed like a balsa wood bridge beneath Godzillian feet. Wearing his bravest Greg Norman face, Goosen shot an 11-over 81 on Sunday and fell to 11th place. There are reports that his putter may never be seen alive again.
Bizarre, indeed. But if you think the weird was over, think again.
One final strange note for the weekend actually occurred on Monday, with the National Basketball Association striking a new collective bargaining agreement with its players' association, setting a new record for rapidity in pro sports labour negotiations. NBA Commissioner David Stern, at his fatherly best, has obviously made the players eat their vegetables.
As for that other labour thingy...
The National Hockey League still doesn't have a deal -- more than a year after the last NHL game was played -- although an agreement will supposedly be reached in a week or two. Does the phrase "I'll believe it when I see it" ring a bell? Obviously, the children of the NHL are far more rebellious than their NBA counterparts. When NHL Daddy Gary Bettman tried last fall to get his little skaters to eat their veggies, they told him where to stick 'em. Consequently, Bettman did what any good parent would do -- he grounded them for a year.
So there you have it -- some truly wacky goings-on in the world of sports. Suddenly, Tommy Barf-olomew's shenanigans don't seem so wacky, afterall.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 19, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.02
(DISCLAIMER: The truth is out there. It certainly ain't here...)
Happy Father's Day to all you mother, um, lovers. Yeah -- that's the ticket!
For this week's Crapola I have traversed the entertainment world with a poison pen in one hand and a chicken salad sandwich in the other to bring you a slightly different slant on people and things famous, or otherwise.
So grab yourselves a snack and/or grab yourselves a beverage. Or, if you just can't get enough of pop stars and their legal woes, go grab yourselves. Whatever floats your boat.
Maestro, the requisite drum roll, if you please:
TOMKAT
In the Rolaids Newsflash of the Week, Tommy Barf-olomew and his lady love, Katia Vomit-ina, made good their engagement at the base of France's most erect, cast iron penis. Not to be outdone in the please-quease-me department, Kermit T. Frog has proposed to his porker of a girlfriend and Simon Cowell has proposed to himself.
MICHAEL JACKSON
As everyone on this planet must know by now, the financially-challenged smelly gloved one is the latest celebrity to slip through the buttered fingers of California prosecutors with an outright acquittal in his child molestation trial. When asked what Jacko was doing next after his victory, a Jackson spokeman said "he's going to Disney World, because Neverland's being repossessed."
SASHA ALEXANDER
The late Special Agent Caitlin Todd from NCIS, who left the show because she just couldn't take it any more, has finally found a new gig. In news that may or may not be related, her agent's laundry has never smelled so April fresh.
PETER JACKSON
The extremely hairy and somewhat beefy director of the new King Kong remake, due in theatres this fall, is denying rumours that he has a cameo in the movie as one of Kong's stunt doubles.
JENNIFER WILBANKS
The now-legendary "Runaway Bride" (currently #3 on CNN's Most Mocked list, right behind Katie and the Couch Molester) has inked a deal to have her puzzling story turned into a movie. Wilbanks was curiously unavailable for comment and presumed fake-missing, but Julia Roberts defiantly spoke up, saying "just who the hell does she think she is?"
STEVEN SEAGAL
The star of such celluloid classics as Marked for Death, Exit Wounds, Hard to Kill and Under Siege has been sued for $14 million by producers of the upcoming films Today You Die and Mercenary. It seems Mr. Kickass was less than reliable in the making the two movies -- the actor has been accused in the suit of tardiness and leaving the set early, as well as interfering with the pictures' movie crews. Seagal's publicist defended the action star, saying the poor guy doesn't cope well in movies that have more than three syllables in the title.
ASHLEY SMITH
The woman who survived the clutches of Atlanta court room shooter Brian Nichols in March, by feeding him from both her pantry and her bible, has netted a book deal with Harper Collins Publishers. The finished entity will be called Unlikely Angel: The Untold Story of the Atlanta Hostage Hero and will be out in the fall. Since we still don't know what she actually made him for breakfast, one can only assume it will be a cookbook.
ROGER WATERS
The bass-playing former guiding force behind progressive rock gods Pink Floyd will join his ex-bandmates onstage for the upcoming Live 8 concert extravaganza. Band management will be beefing up security for the first Floyd concert in over 20 years to have the full lineup, partially to keep crazed fans at bay, but mostly to keep Waters and guitarist David Gilmour from killing each other.
JOHN MADDEN
The well-rounded football commentator has announced that he's on the move again. He'll be leaving ABC for NBC next year when the peacock network makes its long-awaited return to NFL broadcasting. A spokesman for struggling NBC, overly grateful for some good news for a change, gushed about the network's acquisition of the long-respected analyst, noting that Madden has witnessed "more head-to-head action than Elton John at a Pride parade."
That is all -- you can let go now.
Stay tuned...
Happy Father's Day to all you mother, um, lovers. Yeah -- that's the ticket!
For this week's Crapola I have traversed the entertainment world with a poison pen in one hand and a chicken salad sandwich in the other to bring you a slightly different slant on people and things famous, or otherwise.
So grab yourselves a snack and/or grab yourselves a beverage. Or, if you just can't get enough of pop stars and their legal woes, go grab yourselves. Whatever floats your boat.
Maestro, the requisite drum roll, if you please:
TOMKAT
In the Rolaids Newsflash of the Week, Tommy Barf-olomew and his lady love, Katia Vomit-ina, made good their engagement at the base of France's most erect, cast iron penis. Not to be outdone in the please-quease-me department, Kermit T. Frog has proposed to his porker of a girlfriend and Simon Cowell has proposed to himself.
MICHAEL JACKSON
As everyone on this planet must know by now, the financially-challenged smelly gloved one is the latest celebrity to slip through the buttered fingers of California prosecutors with an outright acquittal in his child molestation trial. When asked what Jacko was doing next after his victory, a Jackson spokeman said "he's going to Disney World, because Neverland's being repossessed."
SASHA ALEXANDER
The late Special Agent Caitlin Todd from NCIS, who left the show because she just couldn't take it any more, has finally found a new gig. In news that may or may not be related, her agent's laundry has never smelled so April fresh.
PETER JACKSON
The extremely hairy and somewhat beefy director of the new King Kong remake, due in theatres this fall, is denying rumours that he has a cameo in the movie as one of Kong's stunt doubles.
JENNIFER WILBANKS
The now-legendary "Runaway Bride" (currently #3 on CNN's Most Mocked list, right behind Katie and the Couch Molester) has inked a deal to have her puzzling story turned into a movie. Wilbanks was curiously unavailable for comment and presumed fake-missing, but Julia Roberts defiantly spoke up, saying "just who the hell does she think she is?"
STEVEN SEAGAL
The star of such celluloid classics as Marked for Death, Exit Wounds, Hard to Kill and Under Siege has been sued for $14 million by producers of the upcoming films Today You Die and Mercenary. It seems Mr. Kickass was less than reliable in the making the two movies -- the actor has been accused in the suit of tardiness and leaving the set early, as well as interfering with the pictures' movie crews. Seagal's publicist defended the action star, saying the poor guy doesn't cope well in movies that have more than three syllables in the title.
ASHLEY SMITH
The woman who survived the clutches of Atlanta court room shooter Brian Nichols in March, by feeding him from both her pantry and her bible, has netted a book deal with Harper Collins Publishers. The finished entity will be called Unlikely Angel: The Untold Story of the Atlanta Hostage Hero and will be out in the fall. Since we still don't know what she actually made him for breakfast, one can only assume it will be a cookbook.
ROGER WATERS
The bass-playing former guiding force behind progressive rock gods Pink Floyd will join his ex-bandmates onstage for the upcoming Live 8 concert extravaganza. Band management will be beefing up security for the first Floyd concert in over 20 years to have the full lineup, partially to keep crazed fans at bay, but mostly to keep Waters and guitarist David Gilmour from killing each other.
JOHN MADDEN
The well-rounded football commentator has announced that he's on the move again. He'll be leaving ABC for NBC next year when the peacock network makes its long-awaited return to NFL broadcasting. A spokesman for struggling NBC, overly grateful for some good news for a change, gushed about the network's acquisition of the long-respected analyst, noting that Madden has witnessed "more head-to-head action than Elton John at a Pride parade."
That is all -- you can let go now.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 16, 2005
DEAD END TV
There goes another one.
And another.
And another.
Where's the remote? Gotta change the channel...
* * * * *
I'm beginning to wonder if there are any smart criminals anymore. Whoops, I forgot. The smart ones are the ones that don't get caught.
No capture, no coverage. No wonder we never hear about 'em.
Anyhoo, today I thought I'd risk it and turn on CNN, taking the chance that one of the Jackson clan's ugly mugs would be messing up the pixels on my cathode ray tube. I got lucky. No Jermaine, no Tito, no Randy.
And no Janet, although her wayward teat makes it unlikely that she will ever see network television again. I did see LaToya, but that was over on the Discovery Channel, which was showing a documentary on people that, through the wizardry of plastic surgery, are now more Corning than carbon.
But back to CNN, where I saw a menace on the tube that has become the most popular weapon used by the infamously brainless these days -- the sport utility vehicle.
This has me wondering -- in between bites of my ham and cheese sandwich -- why high-speed chases only seem to occur with SUVs. Ever since Orenthal James Simpson cowered in the shadow of Al Cowlings' flatulence, hardly a week goes by on CNN without some breaking news about a morally-deficient, brain dead waste of calcium and skin hopping into an SUV and trying to outrace a fleet of flashing lights.
Like, dude, where the hell are ya gonna go?
There are bears behind you. There are bears ahead of you. There are bears at every exit. There's a frickin' bear in the air taking pretty pictures of you while giving a play-by-play to all the other smokeys. Do you really think you have a chance?
Of course you do. Faulty brain cells would have it no other way.
But I have news for you -- they're going to catch you sooner or later. Um, no make that sooner. They're going to box you in. They're going to put down spikes. They're going to turn that SUV into a quivering mass of recyclable materials.
And the world will be watching every minute of it. Congratulations meathead, on your first starring role. I wouldn't count on a second.
You might get lucky and NOT get infected with lead poisoning. If you do manage to dodge the bullets and you're in any state but California, pray the troopers go easy on you. If you're lucky and you're from Santa Monica, just pray you're a media celebrity.
Johnnie Cochran may be pushing up daisies, but there a lots of othertrolls fine lawyers that will work to gain your freedom. I hear Tommy Mesereau is now available. It's probably the only way out of this mess.
Otherwise, when you get to your new home, just tell Scott Peterson I said hi.
Stay tuned...
And another.
And another.
Where's the remote? Gotta change the channel...
* * * * *
I'm beginning to wonder if there are any smart criminals anymore. Whoops, I forgot. The smart ones are the ones that don't get caught.
No capture, no coverage. No wonder we never hear about 'em.
Anyhoo, today I thought I'd risk it and turn on CNN, taking the chance that one of the Jackson clan's ugly mugs would be messing up the pixels on my cathode ray tube. I got lucky. No Jermaine, no Tito, no Randy.
And no Janet, although her wayward teat makes it unlikely that she will ever see network television again. I did see LaToya, but that was over on the Discovery Channel, which was showing a documentary on people that, through the wizardry of plastic surgery, are now more Corning than carbon.
But back to CNN, where I saw a menace on the tube that has become the most popular weapon used by the infamously brainless these days -- the sport utility vehicle.
This has me wondering -- in between bites of my ham and cheese sandwich -- why high-speed chases only seem to occur with SUVs. Ever since Orenthal James Simpson cowered in the shadow of Al Cowlings' flatulence, hardly a week goes by on CNN without some breaking news about a morally-deficient, brain dead waste of calcium and skin hopping into an SUV and trying to outrace a fleet of flashing lights.
Like, dude, where the hell are ya gonna go?
There are bears behind you. There are bears ahead of you. There are bears at every exit. There's a frickin' bear in the air taking pretty pictures of you while giving a play-by-play to all the other smokeys. Do you really think you have a chance?
Of course you do. Faulty brain cells would have it no other way.
But I have news for you -- they're going to catch you sooner or later. Um, no make that sooner. They're going to box you in. They're going to put down spikes. They're going to turn that SUV into a quivering mass of recyclable materials.
And the world will be watching every minute of it. Congratulations meathead, on your first starring role. I wouldn't count on a second.
You might get lucky and NOT get infected with lead poisoning. If you do manage to dodge the bullets and you're in any state but California, pray the troopers go easy on you. If you're lucky and you're from Santa Monica, just pray you're a media celebrity.
Johnnie Cochran may be pushing up daisies, but there a lots of other
Otherwise, when you get to your new home, just tell Scott Peterson I said hi.
Stay tuned...
Monday, June 13, 2005
TEMPTING NEVERLAND
Dear Michael,
HOORAY!
I'm so happy you've been acquitted. I was really worried that I would never get the chance to see Neverland again. I've had so many good times there -- feeding the llamas, riding horses and the parties -- oh, the parties!
I know it's a bit quick of me to write. You probably want to take some time to celebrate your victory. You know, have some dinner and maybe catch a movie. That is, if you can even go out in public anymore. After this trial, everybody will know what you look like, even the people who had never heard of you before. Which reminds me -- in case you're wondering -- those aw mish people are doing well. Even if they still don't have electricity.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you, once things settle down. I'm hoping we can get together for some good times. The wrestling is always fun, and I especially enjoy the pillow fights. Speaking of which, I'm really sorry I broke your nose last time, but I don't think anyone noticed the surgery.
Oh, I almost forgot -- there's just one more thing. When I come over next time, I'm bringing my big brother Brutus along. Don't let his military background fool you, he's very much into games. His favorites are tackle football, boxing and something he calls Aye Boo Grab. He'll be coming along to make sure we have nothing but good, clean fun. Just covering my butt, so to speak.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Your biggest fan,
Billy Q. Public
Stay tuned...
HOORAY!
I'm so happy you've been acquitted. I was really worried that I would never get the chance to see Neverland again. I've had so many good times there -- feeding the llamas, riding horses and the parties -- oh, the parties!
I know it's a bit quick of me to write. You probably want to take some time to celebrate your victory. You know, have some dinner and maybe catch a movie. That is, if you can even go out in public anymore. After this trial, everybody will know what you look like, even the people who had never heard of you before. Which reminds me -- in case you're wondering -- those aw mish people are doing well. Even if they still don't have electricity.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you, once things settle down. I'm hoping we can get together for some good times. The wrestling is always fun, and I especially enjoy the pillow fights. Speaking of which, I'm really sorry I broke your nose last time, but I don't think anyone noticed the surgery.
Oh, I almost forgot -- there's just one more thing. When I come over next time, I'm bringing my big brother Brutus along. Don't let his military background fool you, he's very much into games. His favorites are tackle football, boxing and something he calls Aye Boo Grab. He'll be coming along to make sure we have nothing but good, clean fun. Just covering my butt, so to speak.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Your biggest fan,
Billy Q. Public
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 12, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.01
(DISCLAIMER: Don't believe everything you read.)
Welcome to the first edition of Sunday Crapola, my weekly "news" magazine where both the famous and infamous will get their just desserts, even if some of them decide to throw it all up later. Which reminds me, if this should leave a bad taste in anybody's mouth, complimentary mouthwash will be made available at the customer service desk -- wherever the hell that is.
Now on with the fun:
MIKE TYSON
The ear nibbler who ranks just ahead of Jason Voorhees at the bottom of the list of every girl's dream dates decided last night to hang up the boxing gloves after his latest loss, so that he can do something a little more noble. Like maybe porn, for instance.
TOM CRUISE
Hollywood's big little man was up in arms recently when an order of furniture from a Los Angeles store arrived, but without the couch. A previously unheard-of militant group calling itself the "Love Seat League" has claimed responsibility for the abduction.
TARA REID
Hollywood's most notorious party girl has been tabbed as the new host of the world's most notorious party show, E!'s Wild On. When asked why she wanted the gig, Reid said "my breasts don't get out as much as they'd like to."
BRAD PITT
The soon-to-be former Mr. Aniston was conspicuous by his absence at the premiere of his new film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The film's producers became more than a little concerned when someone resembling Billy Idol showed up in Pitt's place. Said Billy, "for the last time, I am not having an affair with Angelina!"
MATTHEW PERRY
The former King of Bing has been named the host of the upcoming ESPY Awards, recognizing excellence in the world of sport. Currently living the clean life after numerous tussles in rehab, Perry stated that he hopes he gets to pee in a cup, like all the other sports award show hosts.
OKSANA BAIUL
The former skating queen left many scratching their heads when she showed up to the Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere wearing a dress made of one part shredded kleenex, one part stained down feathers and three parts classified materials on loan from NASA.
RUSSELL CROWE
The Cinderella Man star was arrested last week for assault after chucking a phone at a hotel employee in New York City. Hotel management defended both the employee and the phone by stating that neither was at fault for Crowe's pizza being delivered late.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Just days before the release of Batman Begins, the latest Bat-head mused that he'd like to see any Bat sequels have some good old-fashioned Bat sex. Says Bale, "I'm already wearing the world's biggest rubber, the least they can do is let me use it."
BRITNEY SPEARS
The enigmatic pop star's Chaotic reality show drew to a close with the debut airing of Brit's latest music video. In a post-Chaotic interview, she dedicated her next album to husband Kevin Federline. The untitled record's first three singles will be called "Please Shower Honey," "You're Still Dirty," and "It's Called A 'Razor,' You Stupid Bastard."
Boy, that was fun. See you next Sunday -- same crap time, same crap channel.
Stay tuned...
Welcome to the first edition of Sunday Crapola, my weekly "news" magazine where both the famous and infamous will get their just desserts, even if some of them decide to throw it all up later. Which reminds me, if this should leave a bad taste in anybody's mouth, complimentary mouthwash will be made available at the customer service desk -- wherever the hell that is.
Now on with the fun:
MIKE TYSON
The ear nibbler who ranks just ahead of Jason Voorhees at the bottom of the list of every girl's dream dates decided last night to hang up the boxing gloves after his latest loss, so that he can do something a little more noble. Like maybe porn, for instance.
TOM CRUISE
Hollywood's big little man was up in arms recently when an order of furniture from a Los Angeles store arrived, but without the couch. A previously unheard-of militant group calling itself the "Love Seat League" has claimed responsibility for the abduction.
TARA REID
Hollywood's most notorious party girl has been tabbed as the new host of the world's most notorious party show, E!'s Wild On. When asked why she wanted the gig, Reid said "my breasts don't get out as much as they'd like to."
BRAD PITT
The soon-to-be former Mr. Aniston was conspicuous by his absence at the premiere of his new film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The film's producers became more than a little concerned when someone resembling Billy Idol showed up in Pitt's place. Said Billy, "for the last time, I am not having an affair with Angelina!"
MATTHEW PERRY
The former King of Bing has been named the host of the upcoming ESPY Awards, recognizing excellence in the world of sport. Currently living the clean life after numerous tussles in rehab, Perry stated that he hopes he gets to pee in a cup, like all the other sports award show hosts.
OKSANA BAIUL
The former skating queen left many scratching their heads when she showed up to the Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere wearing a dress made of one part shredded kleenex, one part stained down feathers and three parts classified materials on loan from NASA.
RUSSELL CROWE
The Cinderella Man star was arrested last week for assault after chucking a phone at a hotel employee in New York City. Hotel management defended both the employee and the phone by stating that neither was at fault for Crowe's pizza being delivered late.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Just days before the release of Batman Begins, the latest Bat-head mused that he'd like to see any Bat sequels have some good old-fashioned Bat sex. Says Bale, "I'm already wearing the world's biggest rubber, the least they can do is let me use it."
BRITNEY SPEARS
The enigmatic pop star's Chaotic reality show drew to a close with the debut airing of Brit's latest music video. In a post-Chaotic interview, she dedicated her next album to husband Kevin Federline. The untitled record's first three singles will be called "Please Shower Honey," "You're Still Dirty," and "It's Called A 'Razor,' You Stupid Bastard."
Boy, that was fun. See you next Sunday -- same crap time, same crap channel.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 9, 2005
TEN QUESTIONS...
... that just have to be answered. Drum roll, please.
(1) What band were you really talking about?
The Beatles. I hear they were pretty good.
(2) What happens next season on The Apprentice?
The Donald inteviews 12 aspiring TV network executives to see if any of them have the stuff to come up with a sitcom for NBC that is actually funny.
(3) Are the Cubs and Red Sox really playing each other?
Yes, for the first time in ninety years. The ghosts of Harry Caray and Babe Ruth will be throwing out ceremonial first pitches.
(4) Will the jury find Michael Jackson guilty or innocent?
He'll be found innocent of all charges. But he's guilty of being an idiot, a freak and a not-so snappy dresser.
(5) Is NCIS Special Agent Caitlin Todd really dead?
Unless she's been showering with Patrick Duffy, she is.
(6) When will the hockey lockout be settled?
Never. Eventually. In a week or two. It may be hotter outside than Jessica Simpson wearing Daisy Dukes, but hell is about to freeze over anyway.
(7) When is Season 1 of House being released on DVD?
According to TVShowsOnDVD, Fox will unveil a box set of the Doc with a limp in his walk and a chip on his shoulder on August 30. Coincidentally, I'll be busting open a big, ceramic pig the same day.
(8) Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
How the hell should I know? I buy my tomatoes all mashed up into a sweetened paste. I guess that makes it a condiment.
(9) What evil will 24's Jack Bauer be fighting next season?
I don't know for sure, but the smart money is on Jack taking on school administrators who are trying to remove all junk food from school vending machines.
(10) Are you finished yet?
Yeah, I'd say I'm done.
Stay tuned...
(1) What band were you really talking about?
The Beatles. I hear they were pretty good.
(2) What happens next season on The Apprentice?
The Donald inteviews 12 aspiring TV network executives to see if any of them have the stuff to come up with a sitcom for NBC that is actually funny.
(3) Are the Cubs and Red Sox really playing each other?
Yes, for the first time in ninety years. The ghosts of Harry Caray and Babe Ruth will be throwing out ceremonial first pitches.
(4) Will the jury find Michael Jackson guilty or innocent?
He'll be found innocent of all charges. But he's guilty of being an idiot, a freak and a not-so snappy dresser.
(5) Is NCIS Special Agent Caitlin Todd really dead?
Unless she's been showering with Patrick Duffy, she is.
(6) When will the hockey lockout be settled?
(7) When is Season 1 of House being released on DVD?
According to TVShowsOnDVD, Fox will unveil a box set of the Doc with a limp in his walk and a chip on his shoulder on August 30. Coincidentally, I'll be busting open a big, ceramic pig the same day.
(8) Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
How the hell should I know? I buy my tomatoes all mashed up into a sweetened paste. I guess that makes it a condiment.
(9) What evil will 24's Jack Bauer be fighting next season?
I don't know for sure, but the smart money is on Jack taking on school administrators who are trying to remove all junk food from school vending machines.
(10) Are you finished yet?
Yeah, I'd say I'm done.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
A (NOT-SO) CLARIFIED AFFAIR
My name is Kevin and I am saying this of my own free will.
(Somebody made you write this.)
My last post was one long, somewhat incoherent ramble.
(Yeah, well some of us thought so.)
I claim full responsibility.
(It's about bloody time!)
But despite what anyone might think, it was NOT about The Rolling Stones.
(Say whut?)
It was really about --
(Go on, say it...)
About The --
(C'mon, we're waiting.)
The, um --
(SAY IT! SAY IT!)
I forget.
(You forget??)
Well, not really. Go figure it out yourself. I'm busy.
(But... But...)
G'night.
Stay tuned...
(Somebody made you write this.)
My last post was one long, somewhat incoherent ramble.
(Yeah, well some of us thought so.)
I claim full responsibility.
(It's about bloody time!)
But despite what anyone might think, it was NOT about The Rolling Stones.
(Say whut?)
It was really about --
(Go on, say it...)
About The --
(C'mon, we're waiting.)
The, um --
(SAY IT! SAY IT!)
I forget.
(You forget??)
Well, not really. Go figure it out yourself. I'm busy.
(But... But...)
G'night.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 5, 2005
A CHORDED AFFAIR
Let me tell you a story.
Musical Genius A meets musical Genius B at a garden party. Soon after, Genius B introduces Genius A to Genius C. Together the three Geniuses, along with a couple of minor hangers-on form a band. Eventually the band adds Genius D, who isn't a Genius like the others. D fakes playing the bass, but is Wickedly Genius with a paint brush and canvas. Finally the band adds Genius E, who isn't really a Genius at all, but his mom owns an eatery where they can perform. So really, E is just a Genius of Convenience. A couple of years go by, and the five Geniuses become fünf Genies, because that's what I'd be calling them in West Germany in 1960. The Geniuses rock the stage, while experiencing meagre financement, chemical enhancement and female enchantment. This goes swimmingly, until the authorities figure out that Genius C is underage. Said Feds point at the rule book as they put the Geniuses on a slow boat back to the homeland. Shortly thereafter fake Genius D picks a girl over the band, and heads back to Deutschland. The other four carry on until they get noticed by the manager of a local record shop. Record Shop Guy is no Genius, but he's not stupid, either. He offers to manage the Geniuses, promising to get them a recording contract. In 1962, he finally secures them a deal, but not before experiencing a bitter rejection by another company. Feeling vindicated, Record Shop Guy arranges the contract with the newly-minted Genius F, who would become known to most as the Fifth Genius. F realizes he's got a good group on his hands, but something isn't right. He decides that the Genius of Convenience (E) has got to go. The other three grudgingly agree, so they do the only thing they can -- they get Record Shop Guy to fire him. E is replaced by Genius G, and the band that-would-be comes together. The newly formed group makes beautiful music, leading to British success, touring, American success, more touring, world success, still more touring, girls in excess, motion pictures, more chemical enhancements (but with better chemicals), untouring, studio invention, condescension, lots of tension, meditation, aggravation, one final sensation and separation.
Boy, those Rolling Stones were something else, weren't they? Wait, that's not right...
Stay tuned...
Musical Genius A meets musical Genius B at a garden party. Soon after, Genius B introduces Genius A to Genius C. Together the three Geniuses, along with a couple of minor hangers-on form a band. Eventually the band adds Genius D, who isn't a Genius like the others. D fakes playing the bass, but is Wickedly Genius with a paint brush and canvas. Finally the band adds Genius E, who isn't really a Genius at all, but his mom owns an eatery where they can perform. So really, E is just a Genius of Convenience. A couple of years go by, and the five Geniuses become fünf Genies, because that's what I'd be calling them in West Germany in 1960. The Geniuses rock the stage, while experiencing meagre financement, chemical enhancement and female enchantment. This goes swimmingly, until the authorities figure out that Genius C is underage. Said Feds point at the rule book as they put the Geniuses on a slow boat back to the homeland. Shortly thereafter fake Genius D picks a girl over the band, and heads back to Deutschland. The other four carry on until they get noticed by the manager of a local record shop. Record Shop Guy is no Genius, but he's not stupid, either. He offers to manage the Geniuses, promising to get them a recording contract. In 1962, he finally secures them a deal, but not before experiencing a bitter rejection by another company. Feeling vindicated, Record Shop Guy arranges the contract with the newly-minted Genius F, who would become known to most as the Fifth Genius. F realizes he's got a good group on his hands, but something isn't right. He decides that the Genius of Convenience (E) has got to go. The other three grudgingly agree, so they do the only thing they can -- they get Record Shop Guy to fire him. E is replaced by Genius G, and the band that-would-be comes together. The newly formed group makes beautiful music, leading to British success, touring, American success, more touring, world success, still more touring, girls in excess, motion pictures, more chemical enhancements (but with better chemicals), untouring, studio invention, condescension, lots of tension, meditation, aggravation, one final sensation and separation.
Boy, those Rolling Stones were something else, weren't they? Wait, that's not right...
Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 2, 2005
THE Q AND THE DEAD
I have been outed to the masses.
Sigh.
I've sat on a secret that only my family knows for some time now that may generate a landslide of guffaws in my general direction. And thanks to my brother-in-law Tom, I have no choice but to come clean:
I am a Quincy addict.
That's right -- Quincy. As in Quincy, M.E. As in Jack Klugman, Robert Ito, cheesy scripts, hammy acting and absolutely no blood in the autopsy room. Despite all that, I can never get enough of this show.
I watched every week in the late 70's and early 80's. This was before VCRs hit the mainstream. Then it went off the air in 1983 and I didn't watch it again for about fifteen years. Syndication of TV shows is a wonderful thing, until one of your favourites is ignored by every channel known to human kind. For awhile, I thought I'd never hear one of Jack Klugman's righteous sermons again.
But then somebody up there (you know, UP THERE, where the TV Gods reside) decided I'd suffered enough. The good folks at A&E started running the show, and I went and bought a gazillion video tapes. One run through I had pretty much every episode. I watched them, religiously. Then my wife and her family mocked me, religiously. And people wonder why I never want to go to church.
Naturally I pined for the show on DVD. But the same lack of respect seemed to be taking shape. Studios have been releasing every piece of crap they have in their vaults, but there was no sign of Klugman and the gang. I would have to hang on to those beat-up VHS tapes a little while longer.
Then, a miracle occurred...
In early April, TVShowsOnDVD.com sent me an e-mail, letting me know that forensic hell had frozen over. Season 1 (4 episodes) and season 2 (13 episodes) would be released together on June 7.
The wait was finally over, just in time for the mocking to begin anew. Ah, well. Thick skin -- do yer stuff!
Stay tuned...
Sigh.
I've sat on a secret that only my family knows for some time now that may generate a landslide of guffaws in my general direction. And thanks to my brother-in-law Tom, I have no choice but to come clean:
I am a Quincy addict.
That's right -- Quincy. As in Quincy, M.E. As in Jack Klugman, Robert Ito, cheesy scripts, hammy acting and absolutely no blood in the autopsy room. Despite all that, I can never get enough of this show.
I watched every week in the late 70's and early 80's. This was before VCRs hit the mainstream. Then it went off the air in 1983 and I didn't watch it again for about fifteen years. Syndication of TV shows is a wonderful thing, until one of your favourites is ignored by every channel known to human kind. For awhile, I thought I'd never hear one of Jack Klugman's righteous sermons again.
But then somebody up there (you know, UP THERE, where the TV Gods reside) decided I'd suffered enough. The good folks at A&E started running the show, and I went and bought a gazillion video tapes. One run through I had pretty much every episode. I watched them, religiously. Then my wife and her family mocked me, religiously. And people wonder why I never want to go to church.
Naturally I pined for the show on DVD. But the same lack of respect seemed to be taking shape. Studios have been releasing every piece of crap they have in their vaults, but there was no sign of Klugman and the gang. I would have to hang on to those beat-up VHS tapes a little while longer.
Then, a miracle occurred...
In early April, TVShowsOnDVD.com sent me an e-mail, letting me know that forensic hell had frozen over. Season 1 (4 episodes) and season 2 (13 episodes) would be released together on June 7.
The wait was finally over, just in time for the mocking to begin anew. Ah, well. Thick skin -- do yer stuff!
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
NOTHING BUT THE POOP
It's here! It's here! It's here!
Oh, I'm so excited. New name... New look... New breasts... Um, not mine. I have to say, nobody's been this excited about something so huge since Navin R. Johnson practically wizzed all over himself because of the arrival of the new phone book.
What a jerk he was, eh?
Anyway, the new page is here. I thought about celebrating in style, you know, by maybe darting out to McDonald's for a little artery hardening. But I couldn't scrape up the cash. So instead, I'm lingering around the homestead, poking through the entertainment headlines to see what's out there that's worth a slam or two.
And what did I find? Oh, a bunch of stuff. Some of it's even true. Here goes, the debut of Poop'D Culture:
LINDSAY LOHAN
This mean girl's new movie is Herbie: Fully Loaded, a remake of the original about the little VW Beetle that could. You won't likely find it under the special effects credits, but Disney allegedly went all Lucasfilm on LiLo's ample twins, bringing them down a few sizes. Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a movie called Fully Loaded has had its two biggest guns disarmed?
ROD STEWART
The man who gargles gravel like no other is going to be a father again at the ripe old age of 60. At least somebody's guns are still firing.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
It's been announced that Rambo IV starts shooting in January. In this one, Rambo goes berserk in the old folks home after his orderly refuses to help him find his teeth.
CARSON DALY
The former MTV and current NBC talking head announced that he is moving his show, Last Call with Carson Daly, to Los Angeles for the 2005-06 season. Upon hearing this, barflys on the east coast celebrated by pushing their livers to the limit, mistakenly believing their local watering holes would remain open for an extra three hours every night.
LINDSAY LOHAN II
Realizing she has an incredibly busy schedule, the It girl of the moment will soon announce that she has retired from eating. Evidence that she has been practising for such a circumstance can be seen in recent pictures. Lindsay used to be so, um, full-bodied. Now, if she were to elbow somebody she'd probably draw blood. Her top-heavy torso has also seen a drastic reduction. The United States government reacted by lowering its Lindsay Alert from PAMELA ANDERSON all the way down to GWEN STEFANI.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
The oft-troubled thespian stepped in it again this week by walking up behind a woman and giving her backside a good squeeze. Slater was charged with third-degree sexual abuse. Upon hearing of his identity, the arresting officer added a charge of accessory after the fact for Slater's role in Young Guns II.
PARIS HILTON
The celebutante Queen got engaged this week to a man also called Paris, thus proving that she's not actually in love with herself, just her name.
THE GALLAGHER BROTHERS
Oasis returns to reclaim their self-proclaimed title of "Greatest Band in the World" with the release of their new album, Don't Believe the Truth. Brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher claim that it's the start of a new era for Oasis, as they promise to keep their fistfights down to a maximum of three per week.
OLIVER STONE
The acclaimed director was pulled over and smacked with a DUI this week in Beverly Hills. When asked about it, Stone claimed that his heavy imbibing was just research for a planned biopic on the Kennedys.
LINDSAY LOHAN: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Lindsay was in a car accident yesterday after allegedly being tailed by a persistent member of the paparazzi. Apparently, the media hound was trying to confirm rumours that LiLo has been cast as the new James Bond.
That was fun. Let's do it again some time.
Stay tuned...
Oh, I'm so excited. New name... New look... New breasts... Um, not mine. I have to say, nobody's been this excited about something so huge since Navin R. Johnson practically wizzed all over himself because of the arrival of the new phone book.
What a jerk he was, eh?
Anyway, the new page is here. I thought about celebrating in style, you know, by maybe darting out to McDonald's for a little artery hardening. But I couldn't scrape up the cash. So instead, I'm lingering around the homestead, poking through the entertainment headlines to see what's out there that's worth a slam or two.
And what did I find? Oh, a bunch of stuff. Some of it's even true. Here goes, the debut of Poop'D Culture:
LINDSAY LOHAN
This mean girl's new movie is Herbie: Fully Loaded, a remake of the original about the little VW Beetle that could. You won't likely find it under the special effects credits, but Disney allegedly went all Lucasfilm on LiLo's ample twins, bringing them down a few sizes. Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a movie called Fully Loaded has had its two biggest guns disarmed?
ROD STEWART
The man who gargles gravel like no other is going to be a father again at the ripe old age of 60. At least somebody's guns are still firing.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
It's been announced that Rambo IV starts shooting in January. In this one, Rambo goes berserk in the old folks home after his orderly refuses to help him find his teeth.
CARSON DALY
The former MTV and current NBC talking head announced that he is moving his show, Last Call with Carson Daly, to Los Angeles for the 2005-06 season. Upon hearing this, barflys on the east coast celebrated by pushing their livers to the limit, mistakenly believing their local watering holes would remain open for an extra three hours every night.
LINDSAY LOHAN II
Realizing she has an incredibly busy schedule, the It girl of the moment will soon announce that she has retired from eating. Evidence that she has been practising for such a circumstance can be seen in recent pictures. Lindsay used to be so, um, full-bodied. Now, if she were to elbow somebody she'd probably draw blood. Her top-heavy torso has also seen a drastic reduction. The United States government reacted by lowering its Lindsay Alert from PAMELA ANDERSON all the way down to GWEN STEFANI.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
The oft-troubled thespian stepped in it again this week by walking up behind a woman and giving her backside a good squeeze. Slater was charged with third-degree sexual abuse. Upon hearing of his identity, the arresting officer added a charge of accessory after the fact for Slater's role in Young Guns II.
PARIS HILTON
The celebutante Queen got engaged this week to a man also called Paris, thus proving that she's not actually in love with herself, just her name.
THE GALLAGHER BROTHERS
Oasis returns to reclaim their self-proclaimed title of "Greatest Band in the World" with the release of their new album, Don't Believe the Truth. Brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher claim that it's the start of a new era for Oasis, as they promise to keep their fistfights down to a maximum of three per week.
OLIVER STONE
The acclaimed director was pulled over and smacked with a DUI this week in Beverly Hills. When asked about it, Stone claimed that his heavy imbibing was just research for a planned biopic on the Kennedys.
LINDSAY LOHAN: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Lindsay was in a car accident yesterday after allegedly being tailed by a persistent member of the paparazzi. Apparently, the media hound was trying to confirm rumours that LiLo has been cast as the new James Bond.
That was fun. Let's do it again some time.
Stay tuned...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
