(DISCLAIMER: This ain't real life, it's just a parody, DAMMIT!)
Sorry, can't talk too much about this week's celebs. Hockey draft yesterday. Baseball trade deadline today. Suddenly so much sports news, so little time.
Drum roll? Good. Let's go:
PAULA ABDUL
The former singer who should have remained a dancer is, for now, going to continue her gig as a judge on the next season of American Idol. While there has been talk of independent counsel investigating claims that Abdul had an affair with former contestant Corey Clark, FOX chief Peter Liguori has stated that Abdul is welcome to stay "as long as she refrains from nailing any other competitors."
MATT LeBLANC
How's he doin'? Well, apparently he's a little ticked with fans who think he really is as daft as his long-time Joey Tribbiani alter ego. In an interview, LeBlanc discussed some of his frustrating experiences with devotees. But when asked if he thought that typecasting might have something to do with fans and their one track minds, LeBlanc went blank and responded "what's typecasting?"
SIENNA MILLER
The actress was but a cute, little media afterthought until she became the latest romantic victim of Jude Law's philandering ways. But it seems she's developed a bit of a tougher side after her recent trip down Heartbreak Lane. Initially, she ignored Law's phone calls, then she simply told him she didn't want to speak to him. But with Law's recent pestering for a reconciliation, Miller has taken to swinging a cricket bat at Law while simultaneously telling him to "f*ck off!"
NICOLE KIDMAN
The statuesque Oscar winner is denying reports of a romance with country singing stud Keith Urban after Kidman was seen riding on the back of Urban's motorcycle. Not everyone is convinced, however. A further denial from Kidman became necessary when Urban broke his ankle after attempting to jump up and down on his motorcycle seat while repeatedly screaming "I love Nicole!"
MINDY McCREADY
The country singer has had a rough go of it lately, turning up in a Florida hospital having endured legal problems relating to driving under the influence, drug use and, most recently, identity theft. But a group of Nashville songwriters is supporting her, offering to provide her with songs for a comeback, including a surefire hit called "I Loved Him, But I Stole Her."
CHARLIE SHEEN
The father of a newly minted baby girl, he and estranged wife Denise Richards are apparently giving married life another go as they seek counseling to repair the rift that saw them separate earlier this year. In a courageous move, Richards has promised to not nag Charlie so much. Sheen, meanwhile, has promised to cut down on his threesomes with groupies, hookers and the Hilton sisters.
... Manny Ramirez to where? What? Oh, hi. Um, more Crapola next week. Ciao.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
NO CASTING IN SIGHT
(SPOILER ALERT: If you're a fan of NCIS and you missed the season finale without finding out any of its details all summer long, please go away now. It's for your own good. Honest!)
Mr. Donald Bellisario
Bellisarius Productions
c/o Paramount Studios
Somewheres on MelrosePlace Avenue
Hollywood, CA 90-something-something-something
Dear Don,
Can I call you Don? Donald is just sooooo formal.
Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm writing this. Well, let's just say you have some wonderfully large security people working just outside your office door. And so many of them. Very impressive. A bit of overkill perhaps, but impressive nonetheless.
Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, right, I remember now. ENOUGH ALREADY! The suspense is killing me.
Ever since the shocking (stunning? mortifying? bloodletting?) season finale of the only show you have left now that JAG is firmly sitting in the has-bin, people everywhere have been wondering "what's next?"
'Cause, like, nobody'll tell anyone anything!
Even Sasha Alexander won't speak. You remember her, right? She's the gal who wanted off the show so you rewarded her Caitlin Todd character with a lead-induced evacuation of the frontal lobe or, in layman's terms, a bullet in the forehead. I'm not a paramedic or a doctor. In fact, I can't even put a band-aid on straight. But I'm guessin' she's kinda dead.
She certainly had a vacant stare as she lay there, on the ground. I don't know if Sasha was acting, or she was just thinking to herself, "what the hell have I done?!" Too late now, Sash.
Dead or not, you made her gone-zo, Don. So, what's up? What happens now?
You're obviously going to have to cast a replacement. And perhaps you already have. Afterall, it's almost time to start shooting the new season's episodes. Which brings me to what I -- and a gazillion other loyal viewers -- need to know.
If you've made a choice, do us all a favour and spill your beans. This suspense is about as much fun as a bout of botchulism. If you haven't cast a replacement, might I suggest you get off your couch and get on your, um, casting couch?
The hands on the clock only spin one way, Don. You may have thought otherwise when you made Quantum Leap, but surely you must know by now, that was just a silly TV show.
Sincerely,
A Mostly Restrained Totally Non-obsessed Fan
P.S. The courts have almost totally forgotten that whole Catherine Bell stalking thing. Only a few more months and I get to move into the general population.
Stay tuned...
Mr. Donald Bellisario
Bellisarius Productions
c/o Paramount Studios
Somewheres on Melrose
Hollywood, CA 90-something-something-something
Dear Don,
Can I call you Don? Donald is just sooooo formal.
Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm writing this. Well, let's just say you have some wonderfully large security people working just outside your office door. And so many of them. Very impressive. A bit of overkill perhaps, but impressive nonetheless.
Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, right, I remember now. ENOUGH ALREADY! The suspense is killing me.
Ever since the shocking (stunning? mortifying? bloodletting?) season finale of the only show you have left now that JAG is firmly sitting in the has-bin, people everywhere have been wondering "what's next?"
'Cause, like, nobody'll tell anyone anything!
Even Sasha Alexander won't speak. You remember her, right? She's the gal who wanted off the show so you rewarded her Caitlin Todd character with a lead-induced evacuation of the frontal lobe or, in layman's terms, a bullet in the forehead. I'm not a paramedic or a doctor. In fact, I can't even put a band-aid on straight. But I'm guessin' she's kinda dead.
She certainly had a vacant stare as she lay there, on the ground. I don't know if Sasha was acting, or she was just thinking to herself, "what the hell have I done?!" Too late now, Sash.
Dead or not, you made her gone-zo, Don. So, what's up? What happens now?
You're obviously going to have to cast a replacement. And perhaps you already have. Afterall, it's almost time to start shooting the new season's episodes. Which brings me to what I -- and a gazillion other loyal viewers -- need to know.
If you've made a choice, do us all a favour and spill your beans. This suspense is about as much fun as a bout of botchulism. If you haven't cast a replacement, might I suggest you get off your couch and get on your, um, casting couch?
The hands on the clock only spin one way, Don. You may have thought otherwise when you made Quantum Leap, but surely you must know by now, that was just a silly TV show.
Sincerely,
A Mostly Restrained Totally Non-obsessed Fan
P.S. The courts have almost totally forgotten that whole Catherine Bell stalking thing. Only a few more months and I get to move into the general population.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
THEY SAID THAT, PART III
Here are the answers to Friday's movie quote quiz, along with my usual colourful commentary:
(1) "Touch me again, I'll kill you."
THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991): Down-on-his-luck private dick Joe Hallenbeck, played so unhygienically by Bruce Willis, actually says this after bad guy Chet (Kim Coates) belts him in the mouth. After Chet belts Hallenbeck a second time Bruce hits back, putting a grim end to Coates' brief appearance in the film. As for Stripes (named by a couple of people), there is a line that is very similar, but I can't say for certain that it's not identical -- so if you said Stripes, take a point, or a boom-chug-a-lug-a, or whatever.
(2) "Pick a nipple and try it again."
THE COMMITMENTS (1991): Spoken by Joey "The Lips" Fagan (Johnny Murphy) as he puts a little sex into the coaching of young sax player Dean Fay (Félim Gormley).
(3) "A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me, you didn't pay money for this."
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (1990): Tempestuous turtle Raphael has it out with Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) in a New York park. Jones swings a baseball bat at his rival, which Raphael catches, upon which the knowledgable amphibian tells Jones what he thinks of Jose Canseco's ash.
(4) "You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!"
BEVERLEY HILLS COP (1984): Judge Reinhold's Detective Billy Rosewood gets a hail of bullets sent his way in response to his identifying the presence of the local constabulary. What follows is a less than subtle disapproval of Rosewood's foolhardy gambit, spoken by his grumpy partner, Detective Sargent John Taggart (John Ashton).
(5) "Five-hundred thousand scientists in this world and I end up with Dr. Mengele with a ponytail."
MEDICINE MAN (1992): Dr. Rae Crane (Lorraine Bracco) practises a little under-her-breath character assassination shortly after meeting Sean Connery's irascible Dr. Robert Campbell in the rainforest of the Amazon.
(6) "You guys were good tonight."
THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): The beer toasting words of Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox), upon conducting his next door neighbours' bedroom symphony to a climactic conclusion.
(7) "Are you the singing bush?"
THE THREE AMIGOS (1986): Steve Martin as down on his luck actor Lucky Day, asking a tuneful shrubbery whether it is, in fact, the legendary singing bush. Honest! Like I could make that up.
(8) "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE (1978): John "Bluto" Blutarsky (John Belushi) rewrites history in an attempt to teach his deflated frat mates that revenge is a dish best served cold -- in this case, a gigantic cake with ulterior motives.
(9) "I am a golden god!"
ALMOST FAMOUS (2000): Billy Crudup as fictitious Stillwater guitarist Russell Hammond, completely strung out on acid and about to jump off the roof of a fan's house into a swimming pool in this semi-autobiographical Cameron Crowe flick.
(10) "Mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."
THUNDERBALL (1965): What, me quote a James Bond movie? These words are spoken by Sean Connery's Bond to some bystanders after he maneuvers a female SPECTRE agent into taking a bullet for him on the dance floor.
(11) "You get to drink from the fire hose!"
UHF (1989): Janitor Stanley Spadowski (a pre-Kramer Michael Richards) gets his own children's television show, upon which at least one lucky (?) tyke gets a shot of Eau de Hydrant at full force.
(12) "Buddy, I think you're slime."
ROBOCOP (1987): The last words of Officer Alex Murphy (Peter Weller) before the evil Clarence Boddicker (Red Forman, uh, I mean Kurtwood Smith) turns him into Robocop's bloody raw materials.
(13) "You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa."
ELF (2003): A keen observation by Buddy the Elf (Will Farrell), upon encountering a department store Santa not to his liking. Whether the offending scent is pre or post digestion, we may never know.
(14) "As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked at frozen pizza."
DIE HARD 2 (1990): Bruce Willis again, as the always snarky John McClane, showing his amazement at being able to talk to wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) via an airplane phone just prior to the second worst Christmas of his life.
(15) "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."
SAY ANYTHING... (1989): The lament of John Cusack's Lloyd Dobler after having his heart broken by Ione Skye's Diane Court, in Cameron Crowe's classic romantic teen comedy.
Next game is set for Friday August 12, except that I'll be away that day. So we'll make it Thursday August 11.
Stay tuned...
(1) "Touch me again, I'll kill you."
THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991): Down-on-his-luck private dick Joe Hallenbeck, played so unhygienically by Bruce Willis, actually says this after bad guy Chet (Kim Coates) belts him in the mouth. After Chet belts Hallenbeck a second time Bruce hits back, putting a grim end to Coates' brief appearance in the film. As for Stripes (named by a couple of people), there is a line that is very similar, but I can't say for certain that it's not identical -- so if you said Stripes, take a point, or a boom-chug-a-lug-a, or whatever.
(2) "Pick a nipple and try it again."
THE COMMITMENTS (1991): Spoken by Joey "The Lips" Fagan (Johnny Murphy) as he puts a little sex into the coaching of young sax player Dean Fay (Félim Gormley).
(3) "A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me, you didn't pay money for this."
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (1990): Tempestuous turtle Raphael has it out with Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) in a New York park. Jones swings a baseball bat at his rival, which Raphael catches, upon which the knowledgable amphibian tells Jones what he thinks of Jose Canseco's ash.
(4) "You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!"
BEVERLEY HILLS COP (1984): Judge Reinhold's Detective Billy Rosewood gets a hail of bullets sent his way in response to his identifying the presence of the local constabulary. What follows is a less than subtle disapproval of Rosewood's foolhardy gambit, spoken by his grumpy partner, Detective Sargent John Taggart (John Ashton).
(5) "Five-hundred thousand scientists in this world and I end up with Dr. Mengele with a ponytail."
MEDICINE MAN (1992): Dr. Rae Crane (Lorraine Bracco) practises a little under-her-breath character assassination shortly after meeting Sean Connery's irascible Dr. Robert Campbell in the rainforest of the Amazon.
(6) "You guys were good tonight."
THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): The beer toasting words of Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox), upon conducting his next door neighbours' bedroom symphony to a climactic conclusion.
(7) "Are you the singing bush?"
THE THREE AMIGOS (1986): Steve Martin as down on his luck actor Lucky Day, asking a tuneful shrubbery whether it is, in fact, the legendary singing bush. Honest! Like I could make that up.
(8) "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE (1978): John "Bluto" Blutarsky (John Belushi) rewrites history in an attempt to teach his deflated frat mates that revenge is a dish best served cold -- in this case, a gigantic cake with ulterior motives.
(9) "I am a golden god!"
ALMOST FAMOUS (2000): Billy Crudup as fictitious Stillwater guitarist Russell Hammond, completely strung out on acid and about to jump off the roof of a fan's house into a swimming pool in this semi-autobiographical Cameron Crowe flick.
(10) "Mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."
THUNDERBALL (1965): What, me quote a James Bond movie? These words are spoken by Sean Connery's Bond to some bystanders after he maneuvers a female SPECTRE agent into taking a bullet for him on the dance floor.
(11) "You get to drink from the fire hose!"
UHF (1989): Janitor Stanley Spadowski (a pre-Kramer Michael Richards) gets his own children's television show, upon which at least one lucky (?) tyke gets a shot of Eau de Hydrant at full force.
(12) "Buddy, I think you're slime."
ROBOCOP (1987): The last words of Officer Alex Murphy (Peter Weller) before the evil Clarence Boddicker (Red Forman, uh, I mean Kurtwood Smith) turns him into Robocop's bloody raw materials.
(13) "You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa."
ELF (2003): A keen observation by Buddy the Elf (Will Farrell), upon encountering a department store Santa not to his liking. Whether the offending scent is pre or post digestion, we may never know.
(14) "As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked at frozen pizza."
DIE HARD 2 (1990): Bruce Willis again, as the always snarky John McClane, showing his amazement at being able to talk to wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) via an airplane phone just prior to the second worst Christmas of his life.
(15) "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."
SAY ANYTHING... (1989): The lament of John Cusack's Lloyd Dobler after having his heart broken by Ione Skye's Diane Court, in Cameron Crowe's classic romantic teen comedy.
Next game is set for Friday August 12, except that I'll be away that day. So we'll make it Thursday August 11.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, July 24, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.07
(DISCLAIMER: I didn't do it. They probably didn't, either.)
'Tis Sunday. I almost missed it. Stupid, messed-up sleep patterns...
But enough of my irregularities, it's time to get down to the real Poop -- this week's collection of celebs in the news and my ever so unique enhancements of their circumstances.
Drum roll, maestro? Ah, there it is. Here goes:
COLIN FARRELL
The owner of one of Hollywood's most notorious, um, body parts is once again in the news because of his organ. Farrell is suing model Nicole Narain to keep a sex tape they made together a few years ago under wraps permanently. Or at least until his acting career goes sour.
J.K. ROWLING
Even Harry Potter's creator was amazed at the reception the series' sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, received with its unveiling last week. Rowling says she's been truly inspired by all the late night lineups for the book, so much so that all the fuss has given her the title of the final book in the series, to be called Harry Potter and the Midnight Mayhem.
JUDE LAW
The British movie star has busted out of the infidelity closet in a big way with his recent admission that he had an affair with his children's nanny. Law's philandering has affected several women; his ex-wife Sadie Frost is extremely disappointed, fiance Sienna Miller is heartbroken and former Nanny Fran Drescher is taking out a restraining order -- just in case.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Everybody's favourite Miss Congeniality stunned the entertainment world with her surprise wedding last weekend. Monster Garage host Jesse James played the part of groom, with the happy couple driving away in a limo that James had custom built from the remains of six Harley Davidsons, two Mini Coopers and wedding guest William Shatner's Winnebago.
JOHNNY DEPP
Willy Wonka himself has denied media reports that he based his portrayal of the classic Roald Dahl character on Michael Jackson. Depp insists that his version of Wonka in the current update of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was in fact based on the presentations of several noted TV hosts that he "distinctly remembers thinking their speech pattern was strange." Depp's inspirations included Captain Kangaroo, Uncle Al, Mr. Rogers and Regis Philbin.
OWEN WILSON
The actor slash writer slash movie producer has stated his desire to find the right woman, settle down an start a family. Says Owen, "my best dating tip - pretend to be a good listener. Express an interest in movies like Mystic Pizza, Steel Magnolias and Ghost. Be romantic with candlelit dinners by the fireplace -- stuff that girls like." And if that doesn't work, he says he'll try sincerity.
Done-zo. Back to bed. Zzzzzzzzz...
Stay tuned...
'Tis Sunday. I almost missed it. Stupid, messed-up sleep patterns...
But enough of my irregularities, it's time to get down to the real Poop -- this week's collection of celebs in the news and my ever so unique enhancements of their circumstances.
Drum roll, maestro? Ah, there it is. Here goes:
COLIN FARRELL
The owner of one of Hollywood's most notorious, um, body parts is once again in the news because of his organ. Farrell is suing model Nicole Narain to keep a sex tape they made together a few years ago under wraps permanently. Or at least until his acting career goes sour.
J.K. ROWLING
Even Harry Potter's creator was amazed at the reception the series' sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, received with its unveiling last week. Rowling says she's been truly inspired by all the late night lineups for the book, so much so that all the fuss has given her the title of the final book in the series, to be called Harry Potter and the Midnight Mayhem.
JUDE LAW
The British movie star has busted out of the infidelity closet in a big way with his recent admission that he had an affair with his children's nanny. Law's philandering has affected several women; his ex-wife Sadie Frost is extremely disappointed, fiance Sienna Miller is heartbroken and former Nanny Fran Drescher is taking out a restraining order -- just in case.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Everybody's favourite Miss Congeniality stunned the entertainment world with her surprise wedding last weekend. Monster Garage host Jesse James played the part of groom, with the happy couple driving away in a limo that James had custom built from the remains of six Harley Davidsons, two Mini Coopers and wedding guest William Shatner's Winnebago.
JOHNNY DEPP
Willy Wonka himself has denied media reports that he based his portrayal of the classic Roald Dahl character on Michael Jackson. Depp insists that his version of Wonka in the current update of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was in fact based on the presentations of several noted TV hosts that he "distinctly remembers thinking their speech pattern was strange." Depp's inspirations included Captain Kangaroo, Uncle Al, Mr. Rogers and Regis Philbin.
OWEN WILSON
The actor slash writer slash movie producer has stated his desire to find the right woman, settle down an start a family. Says Owen, "my best dating tip - pretend to be a good listener. Express an interest in movies like Mystic Pizza, Steel Magnolias and Ghost. Be romantic with candlelit dinners by the fireplace -- stuff that girls like." And if that doesn't work, he says he'll try sincerity.
Done-zo. Back to bed. Zzzzzzzzz...
Stay tuned...
Friday, July 22, 2005
WHO SAID THAT? PART III
Welcome to my little asylum.
Today we are once again playing the movie quote game. I've dug up some more of my favourites that you might know. I've also lifted the dirt on some real toughies. If you can get the easy ones, you have my congratulations. If you can get the really hard ones, you might want to get yourself a life. You can borrow mine, if you want. It's not like I'm using it.
By the way, feel free to stay as long as you like. Just make sure you check the expiry dates before you eat anything in the fridge. That's good advice to those who prefer their insides to stay on the inside.
Anyhow, moving on to why we're here:
(1) "Touch me again, I'll kill you."
(2) "Pick a nipple and try it again."
(3) "A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me, you didn't pay money for this."
(4) "You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!"
(5) "Five-hundred thousand scientists in this world and I end up with Dr. Mengele with a ponytail."
(6) "You guys were good tonight."
(7) "Are you the singing bush?"
(8) "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
(9) "I am a golden god!"
(10) "Mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."
(11) "You get to drink from the fire hose!"
(12) "Buddy, I think you're slime."
(13) "You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa."
(14) "As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked at frozen pizza."
(15) "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."
Name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The comments section is now open.
Stay tuned...
Today we are once again playing the movie quote game. I've dug up some more of my favourites that you might know. I've also lifted the dirt on some real toughies. If you can get the easy ones, you have my congratulations. If you can get the really hard ones, you might want to get yourself a life. You can borrow mine, if you want. It's not like I'm using it.
By the way, feel free to stay as long as you like. Just make sure you check the expiry dates before you eat anything in the fridge. That's good advice to those who prefer their insides to stay on the inside.
Anyhow, moving on to why we're here:
(1) "Touch me again, I'll kill you."
(2) "Pick a nipple and try it again."
(3) "A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me, you didn't pay money for this."
(4) "You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!"
(5) "Five-hundred thousand scientists in this world and I end up with Dr. Mengele with a ponytail."
(6) "You guys were good tonight."
(7) "Are you the singing bush?"
(8) "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
(9) "I am a golden god!"
(10) "Mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."
(11) "You get to drink from the fire hose!"
(12) "Buddy, I think you're slime."
(13) "You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa."
(14) "As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked at frozen pizza."
(15) "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."
Name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The comments section is now open.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
BEAMING UP SCOTTY
I am a "Trekkie."
Not a "Trekker," as the polyester clad, convention stalking, Clearasil hording, basement inhabiting crowd prefer to be called. There are no jumpsuits in my wardrobe. Nor do I own any action figures, replica phasers or rubber ears.
I simply enjoy a show.
For both Trekkies and Trekkers alike, today is a very sad day. Mr. Scott has beamed up his last; actor James Doohan died this morning. It wasn't totally unexpected. Not too long ago, an extremely frail Doohan, showing his age and his Alzheimer's, worked his last convention.
Today fans of the Canadian actor (that's right -- Mr. Scott was actually Canadian) will reminisce. And even though Doohan was really only known for one role, there are plenty of Scotty memories to poke through.
In the original series in the sixties, Mr. Scott cemented his reputation as a miracle worker by multiplying the estimated time of repairs by four, something he would try to pass on to The Next Generation's Geordi LaForge 25 years later.
Scotty would frequently tell William Shatner's James T. Kirk that he "cannae do it, Captain." Then he'd pull the Enterprise out of another fire -- always just in time.
Mr. Scott didn't spent all of his time in engineering, though. He managed a trip or two off the ship, including one notable excursion where he was accused of murders actually committed by Jack the Ripper.
He also spent some time in command on the bridge, on one occasion gaining the everlasting respect of his Captain when he stuck it to a Federation bureaucrat.
The character gained a bit of an edge when Star Trek became a movie franchise. In 1983's The Search for Spock, Scotty cursed at a computer's voice, telling it to stick its commands "up yer shaft."
He would also have his comedic moments.
Who could ever forget his troubles with twentieth century technology in 1986's The Voyage Home? Scotty, while trying to interface with an archaic system, picked up the mouse like a CB mic, saying "hello, computer."
Or his troubles with a brand new Enterprise in 1989's The Final Frontier? "I know this ship like the back o' my hand," Scotty said -- right before he walked head first into a bulkhead, knocking himself unconscious.
Ah, good times.
Doohan's last appearance in Starfleet garb was in the 1994 film Generations, which united the original series with The Next Generation, as the Trek motion picture torch was passed. Originally bothered with the typecasting that dogged him, Doohan eventually learned to embrace Scotty, thanks to his dentist who, in the mid-seventies, told him "you're going to be Scotty long after you're dead -- if I were you, I'd go with the flow."
And so he did, right to the not-so bitter end. Earth calling the afterlife -- one to beam up.
Stay tuned...
Not a "Trekker," as the polyester clad, convention stalking, Clearasil hording, basement inhabiting crowd prefer to be called. There are no jumpsuits in my wardrobe. Nor do I own any action figures, replica phasers or rubber ears.
I simply enjoy a show.
For both Trekkies and Trekkers alike, today is a very sad day. Mr. Scott has beamed up his last; actor James Doohan died this morning. It wasn't totally unexpected. Not too long ago, an extremely frail Doohan, showing his age and his Alzheimer's, worked his last convention.
Today fans of the Canadian actor (that's right -- Mr. Scott was actually Canadian) will reminisce. And even though Doohan was really only known for one role, there are plenty of Scotty memories to poke through.
In the original series in the sixties, Mr. Scott cemented his reputation as a miracle worker by multiplying the estimated time of repairs by four, something he would try to pass on to The Next Generation's Geordi LaForge 25 years later.
Scotty would frequently tell William Shatner's James T. Kirk that he "cannae do it, Captain." Then he'd pull the Enterprise out of another fire -- always just in time.
Mr. Scott didn't spent all of his time in engineering, though. He managed a trip or two off the ship, including one notable excursion where he was accused of murders actually committed by Jack the Ripper.
He also spent some time in command on the bridge, on one occasion gaining the everlasting respect of his Captain when he stuck it to a Federation bureaucrat.
The character gained a bit of an edge when Star Trek became a movie franchise. In 1983's The Search for Spock, Scotty cursed at a computer's voice, telling it to stick its commands "up yer shaft."
He would also have his comedic moments.
Who could ever forget his troubles with twentieth century technology in 1986's The Voyage Home? Scotty, while trying to interface with an archaic system, picked up the mouse like a CB mic, saying "hello, computer."
Or his troubles with a brand new Enterprise in 1989's The Final Frontier? "I know this ship like the back o' my hand," Scotty said -- right before he walked head first into a bulkhead, knocking himself unconscious.
Ah, good times.
Doohan's last appearance in Starfleet garb was in the 1994 film Generations, which united the original series with The Next Generation, as the Trek motion picture torch was passed. Originally bothered with the typecasting that dogged him, Doohan eventually learned to embrace Scotty, thanks to his dentist who, in the mid-seventies, told him "you're going to be Scotty long after you're dead -- if I were you, I'd go with the flow."
And so he did, right to the not-so bitter end. Earth calling the afterlife -- one to beam up.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, July 17, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.06
(DISCLAIMER: Truth is in the eye of the beholder. There be no beholdin' here.)
Okay, everybody. Put that Potter book down for five minutes. I SAID PUT IT DOWN!
Sheesh.
I don't know what the big deal is, anyway. Here, I'll save you the time. The Half-Blood Prince is [Censored by court order]. So there.
Anyway... it's Sunday. So to celebrate the week that was in the excremental world of pop culture, I've gone and dug up some good crap for you all.
A drum roll please, Mr. Maestro. Maestro? Weren't you listening? I said PUT - THE - BOOK - DOWN! Thank you, that's much better.
Here goes:
MARIAH CAREY/WHITNEY HOUSTON
The two divas are rumoured to be candidates to replace Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol, should the latter move on to FOX's new dance reality series, So You Think You Can Dance. Meanwhile, former Idol contestant Corey Clark has stated that he intends to sleep with either Carey or Houston, or both if his record sales really sag.
BRAD PITT
The soon-to-be unbetrothed of the former Rachel Green checked into a Los Angeles area hospital after coming down with flu-like symptoms. Pitt was diagnosed with meningitis, possibly caused by being bitten by infected mosquitoes or by licking some hot girl's tattoos.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA
The "Dirrty" girl is denying media reports that two slashed tendons she suffered occurred in a fight with a fan. Aguilera claims the accident happened at home when she cut her arm on some broken glass. But a neighbour of Aguilera's has refuted the pop diva's version, claiming the singer actually snagged her arm on her pierced navel in a botched attempt to scratch her pierced nose.
PAMELA ANDERSON/TOMMY LEE
The couple that has left many a head in need of scratching has been seen canoodling and generally sexing it up in Tommy's swanky new Hollywood nightclub. Rumours have them once again tying the knot, no doubt with Hustler and Penthouse magazines in a bidding war for the exclusive honeymoon photos.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
The little brother to rarely seen Helen has turned down a plea deal from prosecuters on a charge of allegedly groping a woman in New York City in May. Both Slater and his attorney claim the case should be dismissed because it's rediculous. Says Slater, "all the other women from New York that I groped never had any objections."
CAMERON DIAZ
The hottest Angel not named Lucy or Drew took the stand to testify in the trial of photographer John Rutter, who faces charges regarding his handling of topless photos of Diaz taken before she hit the big time. Defense attorney Mark Werksman grilled Diaz relentlessly, asking her if the whole controversy had nothing to do with her modesty about her breasts, but a desire for equal exposure for her notorious derriere. Cameron's response was "yes -- I mean, no."
QUENTIN TARANTINO
After recently writing and helming the season finale of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, the Pulp Fiction writer-director has stated his desire to transform some of his ideas into a television series format. Critics are skeptical, however, including one who says "in this day and age, there's no m*therf*cking way Tarantino could make it on TV."
All done. Next week, and all that.
Stay tuned...
Okay, everybody. Put that Potter book down for five minutes. I SAID PUT IT DOWN!
Sheesh.
I don't know what the big deal is, anyway. Here, I'll save you the time. The Half-Blood Prince is [Censored by court order]. So there.
Anyway... it's Sunday. So to celebrate the week that was in the excremental world of pop culture, I've gone and dug up some good crap for you all.
A drum roll please, Mr. Maestro. Maestro? Weren't you listening? I said PUT - THE - BOOK - DOWN! Thank you, that's much better.
Here goes:
MARIAH CAREY/WHITNEY HOUSTON
The two divas are rumoured to be candidates to replace Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol, should the latter move on to FOX's new dance reality series, So You Think You Can Dance. Meanwhile, former Idol contestant Corey Clark has stated that he intends to sleep with either Carey or Houston, or both if his record sales really sag.
BRAD PITT
The soon-to-be unbetrothed of the former Rachel Green checked into a Los Angeles area hospital after coming down with flu-like symptoms. Pitt was diagnosed with meningitis, possibly caused by being bitten by infected mosquitoes or by licking some hot girl's tattoos.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA
The "Dirrty" girl is denying media reports that two slashed tendons she suffered occurred in a fight with a fan. Aguilera claims the accident happened at home when she cut her arm on some broken glass. But a neighbour of Aguilera's has refuted the pop diva's version, claiming the singer actually snagged her arm on her pierced navel in a botched attempt to scratch her pierced nose.
PAMELA ANDERSON/TOMMY LEE
The couple that has left many a head in need of scratching has been seen canoodling and generally sexing it up in Tommy's swanky new Hollywood nightclub. Rumours have them once again tying the knot, no doubt with Hustler and Penthouse magazines in a bidding war for the exclusive honeymoon photos.
CHRISTIAN SLATER
The little brother to rarely seen Helen has turned down a plea deal from prosecuters on a charge of allegedly groping a woman in New York City in May. Both Slater and his attorney claim the case should be dismissed because it's rediculous. Says Slater, "all the other women from New York that I groped never had any objections."
CAMERON DIAZ
The hottest Angel not named Lucy or Drew took the stand to testify in the trial of photographer John Rutter, who faces charges regarding his handling of topless photos of Diaz taken before she hit the big time. Defense attorney Mark Werksman grilled Diaz relentlessly, asking her if the whole controversy had nothing to do with her modesty about her breasts, but a desire for equal exposure for her notorious derriere. Cameron's response was "yes -- I mean, no."
QUENTIN TARANTINO
After recently writing and helming the season finale of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, the Pulp Fiction writer-director has stated his desire to transform some of his ideas into a television series format. Critics are skeptical, however, including one who says "in this day and age, there's no m*therf*cking way Tarantino could make it on TV."
All done. Next week, and all that.
Stay tuned...
Saturday, July 16, 2005
ROLLING IN THE D'OH
This morning, I think the earth moved.
Things seemed nice and quiet. Calm before the storm? One wouldn't think so in good ol' boring suburbia. Usually it's calm before more calm. But then it happened.
It started with a dull rumble in the distance. I live near train tracks, so I'm used to a little shaking and rattling from all the rolling, but the trains were innocent this time.
The rumble was increasing ever so slightly. Something was getting louder. Nothing seemed to be coming closer. The sky looked the same. The ground looked the same. But something was happening. And by the way the rumble was increasing, it was getting -- closer.
Confusion set in.
There are no notable seismic fault lines nearby. Sure, an earthquake will happen a gazillion miles away and I'll feel a half second of rumble. But this rumble had been going for a solid minute and was showing no sign of stopping.
And besides, when an earthquake gets going, it's like a slap in the face. So far, my mysterious rumble was more of a tickle.
Still it increased.
The clutter on my desk started to move. Still no big shocks, just a steady shake.
Suddenly a strange shape appeared in the distance, a strange looking mass of multiple angles and colours. It was kicking up such a dust cloud that it was hard to see just what it was.
Things were falling off the desk by this point, and even my chair was moving. This would have been only mildly surprising, had I not been sitting in it at the time.
The shape seemed to be moving faster. It moved closer. It got louder.
And LOUDER!
It passed by in front of me, a big moving... something.
The shape dwindled in the distance, the sound and rumble dissipated. Bewildered, I turned on the television and switched it to CNN.
There was Breaking News.
Apparently what I had just experienced was not restricted to my area. People in towns and cities all over the world had experienced a similar thing and were just as mystified.
I began to wonder if I'd ever figure it out. But it was over, there was no need to fret.
I headed upstairs, took a shower and got dressed. Then I hopped in the car and headed for the mall. Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince arrived in stores today.
I wanted to make sure I beat the --
-- rush.
D'OH!
Stay tuned...
Things seemed nice and quiet. Calm before the storm? One wouldn't think so in good ol' boring suburbia. Usually it's calm before more calm. But then it happened.
It started with a dull rumble in the distance. I live near train tracks, so I'm used to a little shaking and rattling from all the rolling, but the trains were innocent this time.
The rumble was increasing ever so slightly. Something was getting louder. Nothing seemed to be coming closer. The sky looked the same. The ground looked the same. But something was happening. And by the way the rumble was increasing, it was getting -- closer.
Confusion set in.
There are no notable seismic fault lines nearby. Sure, an earthquake will happen a gazillion miles away and I'll feel a half second of rumble. But this rumble had been going for a solid minute and was showing no sign of stopping.
And besides, when an earthquake gets going, it's like a slap in the face. So far, my mysterious rumble was more of a tickle.
Still it increased.
The clutter on my desk started to move. Still no big shocks, just a steady shake.
Suddenly a strange shape appeared in the distance, a strange looking mass of multiple angles and colours. It was kicking up such a dust cloud that it was hard to see just what it was.
Things were falling off the desk by this point, and even my chair was moving. This would have been only mildly surprising, had I not been sitting in it at the time.
The shape seemed to be moving faster. It moved closer. It got louder.
And LOUDER!
It passed by in front of me, a big moving... something.
The shape dwindled in the distance, the sound and rumble dissipated. Bewildered, I turned on the television and switched it to CNN.
There was Breaking News.
Apparently what I had just experienced was not restricted to my area. People in towns and cities all over the world had experienced a similar thing and were just as mystified.
I began to wonder if I'd ever figure it out. But it was over, there was no need to fret.
I headed upstairs, took a shower and got dressed. Then I hopped in the car and headed for the mall. Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince arrived in stores today.
I wanted to make sure I beat the --
-- rush.
D'OH!
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
DOES BEELZEBUB KNOW HOW TO SKATE?
Hell has officially frozen over. Because of this, Las Vegas will now start taking bets for the 2005-06 Stanley Cup championship. The smart money is, of course, on the New Jersey Devils.
Yes, hockey fans -- I said YES, HOCKEY FANS... Hey, where'd everybody go?
Okay.
Um, you two guys over there clutching the octopi.
And you six guys in the Leafs jerseys.
BIG NEWS! The National Hockey League finally has a labour deal. Pending the usual player ratification crap, of course.
Yeah, I know -- a whole season was lost. And I know that some fans are probably never coming back. But all that matters now is that it's done. Who cares that Bob Goodenow and Gary Bettman are pigheaded fools? Who cares if Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux got played for fools? Who cares if the Toronto Maple Leafs buy out Owen Nolan?
Uh, well, I guess Owen Nolan cares. But enough about overpaid underachieving has-been shinny dudes.
On to the details. For anyone who's (still) interested, here are some highlights of the deal:
* First year salary cap of $39 million (U.S.) per team (to be based annually on 54 per cent of revenues). To give that some perspective, last season the rich clubs (New York Rangers, Toronto Maple Leafs, Philadelphia Flyers, etc.) spent in the neighbourhood of $60 million.
* Player salary cap of 20 per cent of team cap. In other words, no player can make more than $7.8 million. The poor bastards.
* Player salary rollback of 24 per cent. This won't have nearly the impact most think since about two thirds of the league's players aren't even currently under contract.
* Unrestricted free agency after seven years in the league by 2007-08. This is a small victory for the players since most had to wait until they were 31 years-old, or about nine years for the average player.
* Player's minimum salary raised to about $450,000. Believe it or not, some players of the "lucky to even be playing in this league" variety will actually get a raise because of this.
* Other aspects include tougher salary restrictions for entry-level players, a more owner friendly salary arbitration process, improved revenue sharing, more liberal player buy-out rules and participation in the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy.
The verdict? Well, really there are no winners. Everybody took a major hit, none moreso than the game itself. But as much as the owners will be hurt by this lockout, it's the players that will be most in need of visits to a proctologist. If you know what I mean.
As for the fans, I'm sure most of us (those that are still left) are saying "whatever, just drop the damn puck." But once everything sinks in, and the excitement starts to build, the league will return to some semblance of normalcy.
For most teams, that is. For some fringe teams, such as Nashville, Atlanta, Florida and Phoenix, there will be tough times ahead. By the start of the next negotiations in six years, the NHL could be a much smaller entity.
Which might not necessarily be a bad thing.
Stay tuned...
Yes, hockey fans -- I said YES, HOCKEY FANS... Hey, where'd everybody go?
Okay.
Um, you two guys over there clutching the octopi.
And you six guys in the Leafs jerseys.
BIG NEWS! The National Hockey League finally has a labour deal. Pending the usual player ratification crap, of course.
Yeah, I know -- a whole season was lost. And I know that some fans are probably never coming back. But all that matters now is that it's done. Who cares that Bob Goodenow and Gary Bettman are pigheaded fools? Who cares if Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux got played for fools? Who cares if the Toronto Maple Leafs buy out Owen Nolan?
Uh, well, I guess Owen Nolan cares. But enough about overpaid underachieving has-been shinny dudes.
On to the details. For anyone who's (still) interested, here are some highlights of the deal:
* First year salary cap of $39 million (U.S.) per team (to be based annually on 54 per cent of revenues). To give that some perspective, last season the rich clubs (New York Rangers, Toronto Maple Leafs, Philadelphia Flyers, etc.) spent in the neighbourhood of $60 million.
* Player salary cap of 20 per cent of team cap. In other words, no player can make more than $7.8 million. The poor bastards.
* Player salary rollback of 24 per cent. This won't have nearly the impact most think since about two thirds of the league's players aren't even currently under contract.
* Unrestricted free agency after seven years in the league by 2007-08. This is a small victory for the players since most had to wait until they were 31 years-old, or about nine years for the average player.
* Player's minimum salary raised to about $450,000. Believe it or not, some players of the "lucky to even be playing in this league" variety will actually get a raise because of this.
* Other aspects include tougher salary restrictions for entry-level players, a more owner friendly salary arbitration process, improved revenue sharing, more liberal player buy-out rules and participation in the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy.
The verdict? Well, really there are no winners. Everybody took a major hit, none moreso than the game itself. But as much as the owners will be hurt by this lockout, it's the players that will be most in need of visits to a proctologist. If you know what I mean.
As for the fans, I'm sure most of us (those that are still left) are saying "whatever, just drop the damn puck." But once everything sinks in, and the excitement starts to build, the league will return to some semblance of normalcy.
For most teams, that is. For some fringe teams, such as Nashville, Atlanta, Florida and Phoenix, there will be tough times ahead. By the start of the next negotiations in six years, the NHL could be a much smaller entity.
Which might not necessarily be a bad thing.
Stay tuned...
Monday, July 11, 2005
THEY SAID THAT, PART II
Here are the answers to Friday's movie quote quiz, along with commentary that may or may not contain a shred of intelligence:
(1) "It's a Smith and Wesson, and you've had your six."
DR. NO (1962): The Bond movie that started it all, and still my favourite, this line comes from the ultimate Sean Connery moment. The bad guy, apparently suffering from sequelphobia, empties his gun in a failed attempt to kill the British agent. Bond proceeds to educate the bad guy on the projectile capacity of the weapon, then coldly sends two back the other way. About forty years later audiences would pray for a similar demise for Denise Richards and her Dr. Christmas Jones character, but to no avail.
(2) "I'm the 'eat me, beat me' lady."
PUMP UP THE VOLUME (1990): Spoken by Samantha Mathis to Christian Slater in a futile attempt to get Slater's character to lighten the load in his shorts. But you can't keep a bad girl down -- she would succeed later on by doffing her top in his back yard.
(3) "That's some bad hat, Harry."
JAWS (1975): Roy Scheider's Chief Brody speaks this line in response to a 170 year-old man chastising him for not going in the water. The line currently makes an appearance at the end of the production credits of every episode of FOX's House, M.D.
(4) "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."
GREASE (1978): Spoken by Eve Arden in her role as the Principal of Rydell High. Foreign audiences no doubt lost something in the translation, which basically says "if you can't be a jock, be a jock."
(5) "We got a gopher."
THE FUGITIVE (1993): U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard's words to his team upon finding out that Harrison Ford's Dr. Richard Kimble has joined the fugitive underground, both literally and figuratively. Tommy Lee Jones won a well-deserved Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the snarky Federal cop. His reward was a box office dud sequel (U.S. Marshals) directed by Stuart Baird, who would go on to kill an even bigger franchise with his misdirection of Star Trek: Nemesis in 2002.
(6) "I can't believe this! If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make ME go to school."
FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986): Another in the line of classic eighties John Hughes teen comedies, this line is uttered by Jennifer "I Still I Have My Old Nose" Grey, upon realizing that her "sick" brother Ferris, played to truant perfection by Matthew Broderick, is apparently her parents' favourite spawn.
(7) "He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice."
SHREK (2001): This line is in reference to the exile of all fairy tale figures to Shrek's swamp by the evil Half-Lord Farquaad. The speaker is one of the three little pigs, in a very curious German accent. Personally, I prefer Canadian bacon...
(8) "The young lady with the Uzi, is she single?"
SNEAKERS (1992): One of the last movies to star River Phoenix, just before he would get his chalk outline on the Hollywood Walk of Shame, Phoenix plays Carl Arbegast, a young misfit member of an elite underground team of code breakers that get in way over their heads.
(9) "My ass hurts just watching this."
CITY SLICKERS (1991): An observation by sheltered city wuss and semi-professional wiseass Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal), upon watching cowboys do several things of an overly physical nature. Um, none of them sexual.
(10) "My Aunt is very sick."
WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1989): Jonathan Silverman has a habit of playing guys who are lousy with women -- that's why NBC made him The Single Guy. This line is his incredibly awkward "hello" to an oh-so cute Catherine Mary Stewart, upon whom he has a major crush.
(11) "Here he is talking about his poor dead mother, and I can't stop wishing his hands were unbuttoning my dress."
MERMAIDS (1990): Winona Ryder is Charlotte Flax, a young lady with a wild mother, a strange sister and an unsatiable desire to become a nun -- that is, until she meets Michael Schoeffling's handsome Joe Porretti. The quote isn't really a line, but a hormone-induced thought running around in Charlotte's head.
(12) "So help me Me."
OH, GOD! (1977): The words of cigar chomping deity George Burns upon swearing on the bible to tell the truth, the whole truth and... well, you get the picture.
(13) "Sweet Ginger Brown!"
THE FLAMINGO KID (1984): Spoken seperately by sly mogul Phil Brody (Richard Crenna) and naive cabana boy Jeffrey Willis (Matt Dillon). In both cases, the line is card shark code for "I kicked your ass at gin," but the utterance of young Jeffrey is by far the more satisfying of the two.
(14) "Let go of me! I'm trying to commit a major crime!"
NUNS ON THE RUN (1990): Words spoken by Eric Idle's Brian Hope to girlfriend Faith (played by Camille Coduri, now better known as Rose Tyler's mum on the new Doctor Who) while she tries to prevent him from practising a little armed robbery.
(15) "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space."
STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986): A time travel weary Captain James T. Kirk, played by William Canucklehead Somethingorother, coughing up the truth to 1980's marine biologist Gillian Taylor, played by 7th Heaven mom Catherine Hicks.
(16) "I know he means well, but he is quite possibly the foulest man I have ever met."
DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990): The words of Lt. John Dunbar (Kevin Costner), writing in his journal about his exceptionally flatulent companion and guide, portrayed by the late Robert Pastorelli.
(17) "I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"
THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2: THE SMELL OF FEAR (1991): Spoken by Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebin. The first part of the quote is honesty, the second part is secret code. Or maybe both are honesty, fetishes being what they are.
(18) "Who ARE those guys?"
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969): While being chased by a very determined posse, this line is uttered about every ten minutes by notorious outlaw Butch Cassidy, played in tandem by salad dressing king Paul Newman and his piercing blue eyes.
(19) "Get away from her YOU BITCH!"
ALIENS (1986): Never let it be said that Ellen Ripley isn't maternal. This very famous line comes near the end of James Cameron's sequel to the ultra-suspenseful Alien. Sigourney Weaver's Ripley is just a tad pissed that the alien queen is is licking its chops in the direction of massacre survivor Rebecca, um, I mean Newt.
(20) "Excuse me while I whip this out."
BLAZING SADDLES (1974): The folks in the nice little ol' town of Rock Ridge (who are all named Johnson, by the way) get more than a little scared when the coloured Sherrif Bart (Cleavon Little) shows up and utters this line while reaching for his wasteband. Alas, he kept his trousers on, and managed to read the note he had extracted, while nervously surveying the town's residents. It's a comedy -- honest! And a Mel Brooks one, at that.
Once again, kudos to all players. Together, you nailed 19 out of 20, the lone holdout being Nuns On the Run. Nobody in the comments section figured out the line from Weekend At Bernie's, but my wife's cousin Cathy (humour columnist extraordinaire and fellow movie nut) phoned it in.
So there you have it, film fans. I've decided to make this a bi-weekly thing. Therefore, the next installment of Who Said That? will be posted on Friday July 22. I promise to make it more challenging (cue evil laughter).
Stay tuned...
(1) "It's a Smith and Wesson, and you've had your six."
DR. NO (1962): The Bond movie that started it all, and still my favourite, this line comes from the ultimate Sean Connery moment. The bad guy, apparently suffering from sequelphobia, empties his gun in a failed attempt to kill the British agent. Bond proceeds to educate the bad guy on the projectile capacity of the weapon, then coldly sends two back the other way. About forty years later audiences would pray for a similar demise for Denise Richards and her Dr. Christmas Jones character, but to no avail.
(2) "I'm the 'eat me, beat me' lady."
PUMP UP THE VOLUME (1990): Spoken by Samantha Mathis to Christian Slater in a futile attempt to get Slater's character to lighten the load in his shorts. But you can't keep a bad girl down -- she would succeed later on by doffing her top in his back yard.
(3) "That's some bad hat, Harry."
JAWS (1975): Roy Scheider's Chief Brody speaks this line in response to a 170 year-old man chastising him for not going in the water. The line currently makes an appearance at the end of the production credits of every episode of FOX's House, M.D.
(4) "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."
GREASE (1978): Spoken by Eve Arden in her role as the Principal of Rydell High. Foreign audiences no doubt lost something in the translation, which basically says "if you can't be a jock, be a jock."
(5) "We got a gopher."
THE FUGITIVE (1993): U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard's words to his team upon finding out that Harrison Ford's Dr. Richard Kimble has joined the fugitive underground, both literally and figuratively. Tommy Lee Jones won a well-deserved Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the snarky Federal cop. His reward was a box office dud sequel (U.S. Marshals) directed by Stuart Baird, who would go on to kill an even bigger franchise with his misdirection of Star Trek: Nemesis in 2002.
(6) "I can't believe this! If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make ME go to school."
FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986): Another in the line of classic eighties John Hughes teen comedies, this line is uttered by Jennifer "I Still I Have My Old Nose" Grey, upon realizing that her "sick" brother Ferris, played to truant perfection by Matthew Broderick, is apparently her parents' favourite spawn.
(7) "He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice."
SHREK (2001): This line is in reference to the exile of all fairy tale figures to Shrek's swamp by the evil Half-Lord Farquaad. The speaker is one of the three little pigs, in a very curious German accent. Personally, I prefer Canadian bacon...
(8) "The young lady with the Uzi, is she single?"
SNEAKERS (1992): One of the last movies to star River Phoenix, just before he would get his chalk outline on the Hollywood Walk of Shame, Phoenix plays Carl Arbegast, a young misfit member of an elite underground team of code breakers that get in way over their heads.
(9) "My ass hurts just watching this."
CITY SLICKERS (1991): An observation by sheltered city wuss and semi-professional wiseass Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal), upon watching cowboys do several things of an overly physical nature. Um, none of them sexual.
(10) "My Aunt is very sick."
WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1989): Jonathan Silverman has a habit of playing guys who are lousy with women -- that's why NBC made him The Single Guy. This line is his incredibly awkward "hello" to an oh-so cute Catherine Mary Stewart, upon whom he has a major crush.
(11) "Here he is talking about his poor dead mother, and I can't stop wishing his hands were unbuttoning my dress."
MERMAIDS (1990): Winona Ryder is Charlotte Flax, a young lady with a wild mother, a strange sister and an unsatiable desire to become a nun -- that is, until she meets Michael Schoeffling's handsome Joe Porretti. The quote isn't really a line, but a hormone-induced thought running around in Charlotte's head.
(12) "So help me Me."
OH, GOD! (1977): The words of cigar chomping deity George Burns upon swearing on the bible to tell the truth, the whole truth and... well, you get the picture.
(13) "Sweet Ginger Brown!"
THE FLAMINGO KID (1984): Spoken seperately by sly mogul Phil Brody (Richard Crenna) and naive cabana boy Jeffrey Willis (Matt Dillon). In both cases, the line is card shark code for "I kicked your ass at gin," but the utterance of young Jeffrey is by far the more satisfying of the two.
(14) "Let go of me! I'm trying to commit a major crime!"
NUNS ON THE RUN (1990): Words spoken by Eric Idle's Brian Hope to girlfriend Faith (played by Camille Coduri, now better known as Rose Tyler's mum on the new Doctor Who) while she tries to prevent him from practising a little armed robbery.
(15) "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space."
STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME (1986): A time travel weary Captain James T. Kirk, played by William Canucklehead Somethingorother, coughing up the truth to 1980's marine biologist Gillian Taylor, played by 7th Heaven mom Catherine Hicks.
(16) "I know he means well, but he is quite possibly the foulest man I have ever met."
DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990): The words of Lt. John Dunbar (Kevin Costner), writing in his journal about his exceptionally flatulent companion and guide, portrayed by the late Robert Pastorelli.
(17) "I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"
THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2: THE SMELL OF FEAR (1991): Spoken by Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebin. The first part of the quote is honesty, the second part is secret code. Or maybe both are honesty, fetishes being what they are.
(18) "Who ARE those guys?"
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969): While being chased by a very determined posse, this line is uttered about every ten minutes by notorious outlaw Butch Cassidy, played in tandem by salad dressing king Paul Newman and his piercing blue eyes.
(19) "Get away from her YOU BITCH!"
ALIENS (1986): Never let it be said that Ellen Ripley isn't maternal. This very famous line comes near the end of James Cameron's sequel to the ultra-suspenseful Alien. Sigourney Weaver's Ripley is just a tad pissed that the alien queen is is licking its chops in the direction of massacre survivor Rebecca, um, I mean Newt.
(20) "Excuse me while I whip this out."
BLAZING SADDLES (1974): The folks in the nice little ol' town of Rock Ridge (who are all named Johnson, by the way) get more than a little scared when the coloured Sherrif Bart (Cleavon Little) shows up and utters this line while reaching for his wasteband. Alas, he kept his trousers on, and managed to read the note he had extracted, while nervously surveying the town's residents. It's a comedy -- honest! And a Mel Brooks one, at that.
Once again, kudos to all players. Together, you nailed 19 out of 20, the lone holdout being Nuns On the Run. Nobody in the comments section figured out the line from Weekend At Bernie's, but my wife's cousin Cathy (humour columnist extraordinaire and fellow movie nut) phoned it in.
So there you have it, film fans. I've decided to make this a bi-weekly thing. Therefore, the next installment of Who Said That? will be posted on Friday July 22. I promise to make it more challenging (cue evil laughter).
Stay tuned...
Sunday, July 10, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.05
(DISCLAIMER: I made some of this crap up. What's it to ya?)
WOW.
Slow week.
You celebrity people are really letting me down.
Couldn't you be a little more interesting?
No?
YAWN!!!
Drum roll?
Okay.
Here goes:
ANGELINA JOLIE
Coinciding with the Live 8 concerts, the United Nations Ambassador for Tattoos and Alleged Collagen has adopted another third world orphan -- this time from drought-stricken Ethiopia. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt has denied that he's the father.
GEORGE CLOONEY
The noted serial dater, who is no stranger to Oceans, crossed the Atlantic to show his support for the Live 8 cause. When asked why he wanted to be at the concert, Clooney said "sure, Africa's got its problems -- but I haven't seen a good pair of exposed hooters in almost a week."
LINDSAY LOHAN
As if just physically withering away weren't enough, the current Queen of Teen has gone on record that she desperately wants to get rid of her so-called teen image. Consequently, her next film will be a revved-up sequel to her last movie, to be called Herbie Gets Laid.
NATALIE PORTMAN
George Lucas' favourite "mom" was pulled over recently by police officers in New York, apparently because of her shaved head. The actress, who lost the locks for a role in the movie V for Vendetta, was definitely on her best behaviour, but she couldn't figure out why the cops kept calling her "Sigourney."
JOHNNY DEPP
The best actor that France ever stole from the U.S. has let both countries know that he blames his troubles with alcohol on his quick rise to stardom in the TV series 21 Jump Street. He then went on to bash Tim Burton for not warning him about running with scissors.
WHITNEY HOUSTON/BOBBY BROWN
The couple that continues to amaze people for their marital endurance have let friends know that they'd like to have another baby. To that end, the pair is planning a trip to some obscure resort known as the Bet He Ford Sender so they can get a little alone time.
That's it, I'm done. Back to bed. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz...
Stay tuned...
WOW.
Slow week.
You celebrity people are really letting me down.
Couldn't you be a little more interesting?
No?
YAWN!!!
Drum roll?
Okay.
Here goes:
ANGELINA JOLIE
Coinciding with the Live 8 concerts, the United Nations Ambassador for Tattoos and Alleged Collagen has adopted another third world orphan -- this time from drought-stricken Ethiopia. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt has denied that he's the father.
GEORGE CLOONEY
The noted serial dater, who is no stranger to Oceans, crossed the Atlantic to show his support for the Live 8 cause. When asked why he wanted to be at the concert, Clooney said "sure, Africa's got its problems -- but I haven't seen a good pair of exposed hooters in almost a week."
LINDSAY LOHAN
As if just physically withering away weren't enough, the current Queen of Teen has gone on record that she desperately wants to get rid of her so-called teen image. Consequently, her next film will be a revved-up sequel to her last movie, to be called Herbie Gets Laid.
NATALIE PORTMAN
George Lucas' favourite "mom" was pulled over recently by police officers in New York, apparently because of her shaved head. The actress, who lost the locks for a role in the movie V for Vendetta, was definitely on her best behaviour, but she couldn't figure out why the cops kept calling her "Sigourney."
JOHNNY DEPP
The best actor that France ever stole from the U.S. has let both countries know that he blames his troubles with alcohol on his quick rise to stardom in the TV series 21 Jump Street. He then went on to bash Tim Burton for not warning him about running with scissors.
WHITNEY HOUSTON/BOBBY BROWN
The couple that continues to amaze people for their marital endurance have let friends know that they'd like to have another baby. To that end, the pair is planning a trip to some obscure resort known as the Bet He Ford Sender so they can get a little alone time.
That's it, I'm done. Back to bed. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz...
Stay tuned...
Friday, July 8, 2005
WHO SAID THAT? PART II
"It's ba-ack."
Um, close. Actually, the line was "they're he-ere."
My thanks to Mr. Steven Spielberg (co-producer and co-screenwriter) and Mr. Tobe Hooper (director) for putting that one into the sphere of pop culture. The movie is, of course, Poltergeist. For those who haven't seen it, 1982 was a good year for ghost-forced incontinence.
If you've been here before, you've probably figured out that I'm playing with movie quotes again. I've dug through my slightly dented cranium for some more of my favourite celluloid lines, only some of which will be immediately familiar to most of you. The rest? Well, let's just say I like to lean on the slightly obscure. It's more fun that way.
But enough of my babbling. Let's play these lines (in no particular order):
(1) "It's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."
(2) "I'm the 'eat me, beat me' lady."
(3) "That's some bad hat, Harry."
(4) "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."
(5) "We got a gopher."
(6) "I can't believe this! If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make ME go to school."
(7) "He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice."
(8) "The young lady with the Uzi, is she single?"
(9) "My ass hurts just watching this."
(10) "My Aunt is very sick."
(11) "Here he is talking about his poor dead mother, and I can't stop wishing his hands were unbuttoning my dress."
(12) "So help me Me."
(13) "Sweet Ginger Brown!"
(14) "Let go of me! I'm trying to commit a major crime!"
(15) "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space."
(16) "I know he means well, but he is quite possibly the foulest man I have ever met."
(17) "I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"
(18) "Who ARE those guys?"
(19) "Get away from her YOU BITCH!"
(20) "Excuse me while I whip this out."
What's the movie, and (for the brave) who said the line? The comments section is now open.
Stay tuned...
Um, close. Actually, the line was "they're he-ere."
My thanks to Mr. Steven Spielberg (co-producer and co-screenwriter) and Mr. Tobe Hooper (director) for putting that one into the sphere of pop culture. The movie is, of course, Poltergeist. For those who haven't seen it, 1982 was a good year for ghost-forced incontinence.
If you've been here before, you've probably figured out that I'm playing with movie quotes again. I've dug through my slightly dented cranium for some more of my favourite celluloid lines, only some of which will be immediately familiar to most of you. The rest? Well, let's just say I like to lean on the slightly obscure. It's more fun that way.
But enough of my babbling. Let's play these lines (in no particular order):
(1) "It's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."
(2) "I'm the 'eat me, beat me' lady."
(3) "That's some bad hat, Harry."
(4) "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter."
(5) "We got a gopher."
(6) "I can't believe this! If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make ME go to school."
(7) "He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice."
(8) "The young lady with the Uzi, is she single?"
(9) "My ass hurts just watching this."
(10) "My Aunt is very sick."
(11) "Here he is talking about his poor dead mother, and I can't stop wishing his hands were unbuttoning my dress."
(12) "So help me Me."
(13) "Sweet Ginger Brown!"
(14) "Let go of me! I'm trying to commit a major crime!"
(15) "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space."
(16) "I know he means well, but he is quite possibly the foulest man I have ever met."
(17) "I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"
(18) "Who ARE those guys?"
(19) "Get away from her YOU BITCH!"
(20) "Excuse me while I whip this out."
What's the movie, and (for the brave) who said the line? The comments section is now open.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
SO THAT'S WHERE MY STRAITJACKET WENT...
The New Tom Cruise?
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the American Federation of Historical Psychiatry, the Friends of Katie's Parents and Ms. Brooke Shields.
Saturday, July 2, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.04
DISCLAIMER: (I AM Canadian. I am also full of it.)
Happy Canada Day!
What's that? I'm a day late? I missed it? And you're going to deport me? TO THE UNITED STATES?
Well, if I gotta go, could you at least get me there before Monday? I'd hate to miss two good parties...
(Alarm clock rings)
Huh. Wha? Whoa. What a nightmare.
Oh... Damn.
It IS Saturday. I really did miss it!
Man, I miss all the good holidays. Christmas passes me by. Easter is always a challenge. And that stupid groundhog hasn't talked to me for two years. Must be something I said. Or wrote.
Anyway, to belatedly celebrate the birth of my adopted country (I was born in England, please don't tell anyone -- especially the English), I thought I'd dedicate this special Saturday edition of Sunday Crapola to a few of Canada's best known celebs and at least one professional sports entity.
Cue drum roll. (What's that? You can't find a drum? Well, steal one from one of the Live 8 bands! Do I have to do everything? Sheesh.)
Sigh. Okay, here goes:
GORDON LIGHTFOOT
Gordo, who deserves hearty congratulations on his recovery from recent health issues that nearly ended his life, spent Canada Day working on his latest project, a sequel to his hit, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." It will be titled, unsurprisingly enough, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald 2." Now, to make things complete, all that's needed is for someone to build an Edmund Fitzgerald 2 and sink the damn thing.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND
Jack Bauer himself spent his entire Canada Day in the crapper. Not going to the bathroom in four years will do that to a guy.
MIKE MYERS
The second most famous Wayne in the nation spent Canada Day conducting experiments with various bodily fluids. Myers has high hopes that some of these experiments will be successful enough to make it into the next Austin Powers flick.
SHANIA TWAIN
The pride of Timmins, Ontario celebrated her Canada Day holiday without singing a single note. This was more than enough for many repetitious-radio weary Canadians to down an extra brew in her honour.
MIKE WEIR
The 2003 Masters champ is spending the entire Canada Day weekend calling his putter rude names.
CELINE DION
The bony Quebec chanteuse, who showed the colour of her patriot love by moving to Las Vegas to be with the other freaks, endured part of her Canada Day by sitting at a table and staring at her food. Earth to Celine: That scrap of lettuce ain't gonna eat itself.
ELISHA CUTHBERT
Canada's latest cutie spent her Canada Day sifting through hundreds of scripts with the hope that at least one was devoid of porn stars, kidnap victims or houses of wax.
WILLIAM SHATNER
The best starship captain Canada ever developed spent his Canada Day making googey eyes at the love of his life. There's no word on how the mirror responded.
BRYAN ADAMS
Things aren't what they used to be for the former Man from Van(couver). Because of this, Adams spent Canada Day curled into a fetal position at the bottom of the front door of former songwriting partner Jim Vallance. Adams' woke up the neighbours with his repeated screaming of "Help me, Jim! I want to be a rock star again!"
WILL McCORMACK
The Will & Grace star spent Canada Day in hiding after once again failing to convince the gay paparazzi that he's actually straight.
NELLY FURTADO
The pride of Little Portugals across the nation, Nelly's Canada Day was highlighted by her being discharged from hospital after having surgery to make her singing voice more nasally than was ever thought possible.
THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Canada's ball team, now that the Montreal Expos have moved to les Etats Unis, spent Canada Day beating the cheese out of the defending World Series champion Boston Red Sox. Hold on a minute. That actually happened...
Stay tuned...
Happy Canada Day!
What's that? I'm a day late? I missed it? And you're going to deport me? TO THE UNITED STATES?
Well, if I gotta go, could you at least get me there before Monday? I'd hate to miss two good parties...
(Alarm clock rings)
Huh. Wha? Whoa. What a nightmare.
Oh... Damn.
It IS Saturday. I really did miss it!
Man, I miss all the good holidays. Christmas passes me by. Easter is always a challenge. And that stupid groundhog hasn't talked to me for two years. Must be something I said. Or wrote.
Anyway, to belatedly celebrate the birth of my adopted country (I was born in England, please don't tell anyone -- especially the English), I thought I'd dedicate this special Saturday edition of Sunday Crapola to a few of Canada's best known celebs and at least one professional sports entity.
Cue drum roll. (What's that? You can't find a drum? Well, steal one from one of the Live 8 bands! Do I have to do everything? Sheesh.)
Sigh. Okay, here goes:
GORDON LIGHTFOOT
Gordo, who deserves hearty congratulations on his recovery from recent health issues that nearly ended his life, spent Canada Day working on his latest project, a sequel to his hit, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." It will be titled, unsurprisingly enough, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald 2." Now, to make things complete, all that's needed is for someone to build an Edmund Fitzgerald 2 and sink the damn thing.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND
Jack Bauer himself spent his entire Canada Day in the crapper. Not going to the bathroom in four years will do that to a guy.
MIKE MYERS
The second most famous Wayne in the nation spent Canada Day conducting experiments with various bodily fluids. Myers has high hopes that some of these experiments will be successful enough to make it into the next Austin Powers flick.
SHANIA TWAIN
The pride of Timmins, Ontario celebrated her Canada Day holiday without singing a single note. This was more than enough for many repetitious-radio weary Canadians to down an extra brew in her honour.
MIKE WEIR
The 2003 Masters champ is spending the entire Canada Day weekend calling his putter rude names.
CELINE DION
The bony Quebec chanteuse, who showed the colour of her patriot love by moving to Las Vegas to be with the other freaks, endured part of her Canada Day by sitting at a table and staring at her food. Earth to Celine: That scrap of lettuce ain't gonna eat itself.
ELISHA CUTHBERT
Canada's latest cutie spent her Canada Day sifting through hundreds of scripts with the hope that at least one was devoid of porn stars, kidnap victims or houses of wax.
WILLIAM SHATNER
The best starship captain Canada ever developed spent his Canada Day making googey eyes at the love of his life. There's no word on how the mirror responded.
BRYAN ADAMS
Things aren't what they used to be for the former Man from Van(couver). Because of this, Adams spent Canada Day curled into a fetal position at the bottom of the front door of former songwriting partner Jim Vallance. Adams' woke up the neighbours with his repeated screaming of "Help me, Jim! I want to be a rock star again!"
WILL McCORMACK
The Will & Grace star spent Canada Day in hiding after once again failing to convince the gay paparazzi that he's actually straight.
NELLY FURTADO
The pride of Little Portugals across the nation, Nelly's Canada Day was highlighted by her being discharged from hospital after having surgery to make her singing voice more nasally than was ever thought possible.
THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Canada's ball team, now that the Montreal Expos have moved to les Etats Unis, spent Canada Day beating the cheese out of the defending World Series champion Boston Red Sox. Hold on a minute. That actually happened...
Stay tuned...
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