What do you know, it's Tuesday. Before I get to the discs, I'd like to send some positive vibes to the folks affected by hurricane Katrina. They could certainly use some.
This week's notable releases, as selected by yours truly:
AS TIME GOES BY - Complete Original Series
One of the best British sitcoms ever, this is the story of when Jean re-met Lionel (Dame Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer), who were in love over thirty years before, but were separated by a misunderstanding during the Korean War. Well written, funny, poignant -- superlatives galore. The 11-disc set contains all 64 episodes.
THE BLUES BROTHERS (25th Anniversary Edition)
There's nothing more fun than watching a couple of blues men travelling in a beat up old cop car on a mission from God. This double-sided set includes the original theatrical version, and an extended version with an extra 15 minutes of Jake and Elwood hijinks.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM - Season 4
Another smart comedy from Seinfeld co-creator Larry David, only this time it's about the trials and tribulations of, um, Larry David. This two-disc set contains all 10 episodes from the fourth season.
HERO AT LARGE
Never before released on DVD, this film is notable for two reasons. One, John Ritter slipped out of his Jack Tripper shoes just long enough to play the lead in this charming romantic comedy. And two? I just really dig Anne Archer. This is where that started.
HOUSE, M.D. - Season 1
Somewhat of a surprise hit for the FOX network last year, the first season gets a DVD release (surprise) just less than two weeks before the debut of season two. All 22 episodes are widescreen -- GOOD. The widescreen is non-anamorphic -- BAD.
LILO & STITCH 2: STITCH HAS A GLITCH
This direct-to-disc sequel to the highly original Disney animated flick from 2002 takes place before the adventures from Stitch: The Movie and the followup TV series. Prepare for more of Lilo getting into trouble because of the mischievous Stitch, and the playing of lots of Elvis tunes.
MONSTER-IN-LAW
Jane Fonda's still alive? The last time I saw Jane she was cheering ex-hubby Ted Turner's Atlanta Braves to defeat during the 1992 World Series. She was so depressed, she gave up acting for 13 years. Okay, maybe not. But she did go away, making her comeback opposite Jennifer Lopez in this kinda sorta but not really Meet the Parents wannabe.
ROSEANNE - Season 1
The sound of Rosanne Barr's nasal twang is enough to make me go into seizure. All I can say is God bless closed captioning. The nineties ABC anchor makes its DVD debut with 23 episodes culled, not from the original versions, but the hacked-up syndicated stuff. In other words, it's for fans who don't know any better.
SAHARA
Matthew McConaughey, Penelope Cruz and William H. Macy star in this action packed adaptation of the Clive Cussler novel. Available in separate anamorphic widescreen and whatareyounuts fullscreen editions.
TOMMY BOY (HOLY SCHNIKE EDITION)
Arguably the late Chris Farley's most popular movie, it gets its third DVD release, this time (finally) in a glitzy special-ish edition.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
THEY SAID THAT, PART V
About those quotes...
I have to admit this one was a little easier. Well, except for #6. Nobody got that one. But I promise to do harder next time. Maybe I'll do nothing but silent pictures. A boat load of chalk board quotes from Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin films. Hmmm.
Um, anyway, here are the answers from Friday's quotes:
(1) "She finds you crusty, Dave."
ENCINO MAN (1992): Pauly Shore as Stoney Brown, tells his good buddy Dave Morgan (Sean Astin) exactly why the lovely Robyn Sweeney (Megan Ward) won't go out with him.
(2) "I don't know how to play pills."
THE GOODBYE GIRL (1977): From the original, not the remake (although I'm pretty sure the line shows up in the 2004 version), this is the guitar strumming response of an insomnia laden Elliot Garfield (Richard Dreyfuss) to a suggestion by Marsha Mason's Paula McFadden that he try a couple of sleeping pills because they're, you know, quieter.
(3) "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy."
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984): Forget the sequels (except for Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which is fiendishly original), this is the only Freddy Krueger flick worthy of mention. The evil undead janitor (played way over the top by Robert Englund) pops up in a dream to inform Heather Lagenkamp's Nancy Thompson that her boyfriend (Johnny Depp, in his first movie role) has moved on to deader things.
(4) "You thought I was tough? This chump will kill you!"
ROCKY III (1982): Former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) explains somewhat diplomatically to Sylvester Stallone's Rocky Balboa what will happen if Balboa goes into the ring against the vicious Clubber Lang (Mr. T) with his head up his ass.
(5) "You make me want to be a better man."
AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997): Obsessive-compulsive neurotic Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson) finally tells Carol Connelly (Helen Hunt) how he really feels without actually offending her.
(6) "How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles?"
WHAT'S UP DOC? (1972): The hard one, this movie is Peter Bogdanovich's salute to the screwball comedies of the thirties and forties. The line is spoken by Judy Maxwell (Barbra Streisand) to the snotty Hugh Simon (Kenneth Mars) because Simon is threatening to screw up the scheming Miss Maxwell's latest, uh, scheme.
(7) "Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again."
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003): The words of John Connor (Nick Stahl), upon figuring out that his cyborg saviour is not the exact same cyborg saviour that rescued his ass previously. All he knows is that both of them resemble the Governor of California.
(8) "You're no general. You're not even a good painter."
THE POSTMAN (1997): This movie was released during Christmas in 1997, and to this day nobody will admit to seeing it in a theatre. It deserved a better fate. Kevin Costner as the postman, critiques the tyrannical self-made General Bethlehem (played with extra gusto by Will Patton) regarding his artistry and his military skills, shortly before they give each other a severe ass kicking.
(9) "Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric."
SPEED (1994): Mad bomber Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) explains to goody two shoes cop Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) the difference between crazy people, and crazy people with a lot of extorted money.
(10) "Your kids have all really touched me, and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them."
SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003): Jack Black is the new Belushi. I don't know if I'm inadvertently quoting someone, but couldn't you just see Black in a remake of Animal House? Anyway, in this one Black plays Mr. Schneebly. Well, sort of. He poses as his schoolteacher roommate to score some cash, but upon seeing the curriculum, decides the kids should learn a little rock 'n' roll instead. He truly touches the kids. But, um, only metaphorically.
(11) "Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees."
WAYNE'S WORLD (1992): Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell, while discussing the inequities of the music industry with good buddy Garth (Dana Carvey). One other thing: Tia Carrere -- SCHWING!
(12) "First rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?"
CONTACT (1997): After the first attempt is sabotaged, eccentric gazillionaire S.R. Haddon (John Hurt) tells a stunned Dr. Ellie Arroway (Jodie Foster) that she still has an opportunity to make one giant leap for humankind.
(13 "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."
GROUNDHOG DAY (1993): Trapped in some sort of whacky time loop, grumpy weatherman Phil Connors (a perfectly cast Bill Murray) laments his daily bread. Again. And again. And again...
(14) "Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear."
JUST ONE OF THE GUYS (1985): Journalistic wannabe Terri Griffith (Joyce Hyser) goes undercover as a teenage boy to win a newspaper writing contest, leading to a little romantic misadventure and a lot of confusion. Her sex-crazed brother Buddy (Billy Jacoby, who steals every scene he's in) tries to help her sort out the confusing part.
(15) "I've been dead before."
STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991): Commander Spock (Leonard Nimoy), drawing on experience that no human could possibly call his/her own, explains to the mostly human crew of the starship Enterprise-A that you're only as dead as you think you are. I think.
Next game is set for Friday September 9. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Or tell your friends to tell your enemies. Whatever.
Stay tuned...
I have to admit this one was a little easier. Well, except for #6. Nobody got that one. But I promise to do harder next time. Maybe I'll do nothing but silent pictures. A boat load of chalk board quotes from Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin films. Hmmm.
Um, anyway, here are the answers from Friday's quotes:
(1) "She finds you crusty, Dave."
ENCINO MAN (1992): Pauly Shore as Stoney Brown, tells his good buddy Dave Morgan (Sean Astin) exactly why the lovely Robyn Sweeney (Megan Ward) won't go out with him.
(2) "I don't know how to play pills."
THE GOODBYE GIRL (1977): From the original, not the remake (although I'm pretty sure the line shows up in the 2004 version), this is the guitar strumming response of an insomnia laden Elliot Garfield (Richard Dreyfuss) to a suggestion by Marsha Mason's Paula McFadden that he try a couple of sleeping pills because they're, you know, quieter.
(3) "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy."
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984): Forget the sequels (except for Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which is fiendishly original), this is the only Freddy Krueger flick worthy of mention. The evil undead janitor (played way over the top by Robert Englund) pops up in a dream to inform Heather Lagenkamp's Nancy Thompson that her boyfriend (Johnny Depp, in his first movie role) has moved on to deader things.
(4) "You thought I was tough? This chump will kill you!"
ROCKY III (1982): Former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) explains somewhat diplomatically to Sylvester Stallone's Rocky Balboa what will happen if Balboa goes into the ring against the vicious Clubber Lang (Mr. T) with his head up his ass.
(5) "You make me want to be a better man."
AS GOOD AS IT GETS (1997): Obsessive-compulsive neurotic Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson) finally tells Carol Connelly (Helen Hunt) how he really feels without actually offending her.
(6) "How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles?"
WHAT'S UP DOC? (1972): The hard one, this movie is Peter Bogdanovich's salute to the screwball comedies of the thirties and forties. The line is spoken by Judy Maxwell (Barbra Streisand) to the snotty Hugh Simon (Kenneth Mars) because Simon is threatening to screw up the scheming Miss Maxwell's latest, uh, scheme.
(7) "Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again."
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003): The words of John Connor (Nick Stahl), upon figuring out that his cyborg saviour is not the exact same cyborg saviour that rescued his ass previously. All he knows is that both of them resemble the Governor of California.
(8) "You're no general. You're not even a good painter."
THE POSTMAN (1997): This movie was released during Christmas in 1997, and to this day nobody will admit to seeing it in a theatre. It deserved a better fate. Kevin Costner as the postman, critiques the tyrannical self-made General Bethlehem (played with extra gusto by Will Patton) regarding his artistry and his military skills, shortly before they give each other a severe ass kicking.
(9) "Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric."
SPEED (1994): Mad bomber Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) explains to goody two shoes cop Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) the difference between crazy people, and crazy people with a lot of extorted money.
(10) "Your kids have all really touched me, and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them."
SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003): Jack Black is the new Belushi. I don't know if I'm inadvertently quoting someone, but couldn't you just see Black in a remake of Animal House? Anyway, in this one Black plays Mr. Schneebly. Well, sort of. He poses as his schoolteacher roommate to score some cash, but upon seeing the curriculum, decides the kids should learn a little rock 'n' roll instead. He truly touches the kids. But, um, only metaphorically.
(11) "Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees."
WAYNE'S WORLD (1992): Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell, while discussing the inequities of the music industry with good buddy Garth (Dana Carvey). One other thing: Tia Carrere -- SCHWING!
(12) "First rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?"
CONTACT (1997): After the first attempt is sabotaged, eccentric gazillionaire S.R. Haddon (John Hurt) tells a stunned Dr. Ellie Arroway (Jodie Foster) that she still has an opportunity to make one giant leap for humankind.
(13 "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."
GROUNDHOG DAY (1993): Trapped in some sort of whacky time loop, grumpy weatherman Phil Connors (a perfectly cast Bill Murray) laments his daily bread. Again. And again. And again...
(14) "Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear."
JUST ONE OF THE GUYS (1985): Journalistic wannabe Terri Griffith (Joyce Hyser) goes undercover as a teenage boy to win a newspaper writing contest, leading to a little romantic misadventure and a lot of confusion. Her sex-crazed brother Buddy (Billy Jacoby, who steals every scene he's in) tries to help her sort out the confusing part.
(15) "I've been dead before."
STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991): Commander Spock (Leonard Nimoy), drawing on experience that no human could possibly call his/her own, explains to the mostly human crew of the starship Enterprise-A that you're only as dead as you think you are. I think.
Next game is set for Friday September 9. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Or tell your friends to tell your enemies. Whatever.
Stay tuned...
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.11
(DISCLAIMER: They say the truth hurts. But I feel no pain.)
Let's see, what Crapola do we have from celeb-land this week: A hobbit, a tub, a kangaroo, a stone and a stoner. Should be good.
Drumroll...
VINCE VAUGHN
Amid reports that he has built an add-on to his mid-section while romancing Jennifer Aniston, and despite his recent successful turn in The Wedding Crashers, Vaughn's public relations firm has pulled the plug on its relationship with the actor. Some have suggested Vaughn's recent aggressive behaviour is the reason for the decision. But a spokesperson for the firm I/D PR has denied this, saying instead that "we just don't want to represent any man who is almost three times the weight of the woman he's dating."
THE ROLLING STONES
The ancient rockers kicked off their latest tour at Boston's storied Fenway Park last week with a solid 21 song performance. The field didn't hold up so well, however. Groundskeepers had to scramble to repair the grass to get it into shape for a game just three days later. It was first thought that transporting the massive stage on and off the field caused the damage, but a fan's secret video footage of a creaky Keith Richards doing turf wheelies in a motorized wheelchair has since proven otherwise.
HEATH LEDGER
The Australian actor has officially declared war on the paparazzi that stalks him. Ledger spent some time recently relaxing at home with friends and family when he noticed the horde of photgraphic pests trying to get some shots of him. A slightly miffed Ledger then hurled several eggs at the camera men, but this barely rattled the paparazzi. When one photographer was asked later how they responded, he said "we ate an omelette."
SEAN ASTIN
In a peculiar move, the former hobbit has joined the cast of 24 for the upcoming season, which launches on FOX in January. The network won't say what character Astin will play, but the actor has said that he will portray a member of the Counter Terrorist Unit (AKA a good guy -- probably). When asked why he would put the brakes on a movie career that exploded with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Astin said "I want to do something big, for a change."
COURTNEY LOVE
Everybody's favourite Nirvana widow has once again found herself stuck in a drug treatment facility after admitting to a Los Angeles Superior Court judge that she's been using the bad stuff again, in violation of her probation of a previous judgment. Judge Rand Rubin chastised Love, saying "I think that you need to hit rock bottom before you make a decision about what you're going to do in the future." In response, Love stood up, fired up a joint and said "um, what?"
So concluded.
Stay tuned...
Let's see, what Crapola do we have from celeb-land this week: A hobbit, a tub, a kangaroo, a stone and a stoner. Should be good.
Drumroll...
VINCE VAUGHN
Amid reports that he has built an add-on to his mid-section while romancing Jennifer Aniston, and despite his recent successful turn in The Wedding Crashers, Vaughn's public relations firm has pulled the plug on its relationship with the actor. Some have suggested Vaughn's recent aggressive behaviour is the reason for the decision. But a spokesperson for the firm I/D PR has denied this, saying instead that "we just don't want to represent any man who is almost three times the weight of the woman he's dating."
THE ROLLING STONES
The ancient rockers kicked off their latest tour at Boston's storied Fenway Park last week with a solid 21 song performance. The field didn't hold up so well, however. Groundskeepers had to scramble to repair the grass to get it into shape for a game just three days later. It was first thought that transporting the massive stage on and off the field caused the damage, but a fan's secret video footage of a creaky Keith Richards doing turf wheelies in a motorized wheelchair has since proven otherwise.
HEATH LEDGER
The Australian actor has officially declared war on the paparazzi that stalks him. Ledger spent some time recently relaxing at home with friends and family when he noticed the horde of photgraphic pests trying to get some shots of him. A slightly miffed Ledger then hurled several eggs at the camera men, but this barely rattled the paparazzi. When one photographer was asked later how they responded, he said "we ate an omelette."
SEAN ASTIN
In a peculiar move, the former hobbit has joined the cast of 24 for the upcoming season, which launches on FOX in January. The network won't say what character Astin will play, but the actor has said that he will portray a member of the Counter Terrorist Unit (AKA a good guy -- probably). When asked why he would put the brakes on a movie career that exploded with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Astin said "I want to do something big, for a change."
COURTNEY LOVE
Everybody's favourite Nirvana widow has once again found herself stuck in a drug treatment facility after admitting to a Los Angeles Superior Court judge that she's been using the bad stuff again, in violation of her probation of a previous judgment. Judge Rand Rubin chastised Love, saying "I think that you need to hit rock bottom before you make a decision about what you're going to do in the future." In response, Love stood up, fired up a joint and said "um, what?"
So concluded.
Stay tuned...
Friday, August 26, 2005
WHO SAID THAT? PART V
What time is it, kids?
What? Who said that? Howdy Doody Time? What decade you livin' in? Turn off the black and white and get with the 21st, will ya?
Sheesh. Howdy Frickin' Doody Time...
Ahem. It is, in fact, time once again to do the movie quote thing. For those who have played before, I apologize for how hard some of these have been. For those who are playing today, I apologize in advance for how hard some of these will be. What can I say, I'm an old dog. I don't do new tricks.
Here are the quotes:
(1) "She finds you crusty, Dave."
(2) "I don't know how to play pills."
(3) "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy."
(4) "You thought I was tough? This chump will kill you!"
(5) "You make me want to be a better man."
(6) "How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles?"
(7) "Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again."
(8) "You're no general. You're not even a good painter."
(9) "Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric."
(10) "Your kids have all really touched me, and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them."
(11) "Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees."
(12) "First rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?"
(13 "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."
(14) "Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear."
(15) "I've been dead before."
Yada yada, the usual -- name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The comments section is now open. Go nuts.
Stay tuned...
What? Who said that? Howdy Doody Time? What decade you livin' in? Turn off the black and white and get with the 21st, will ya?
Sheesh. Howdy Frickin' Doody Time...
Ahem. It is, in fact, time once again to do the movie quote thing. For those who have played before, I apologize for how hard some of these have been. For those who are playing today, I apologize in advance for how hard some of these will be. What can I say, I'm an old dog. I don't do new tricks.
Here are the quotes:
(1) "She finds you crusty, Dave."
(2) "I don't know how to play pills."
(3) "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy."
(4) "You thought I was tough? This chump will kill you!"
(5) "You make me want to be a better man."
(6) "How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles?"
(7) "Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again."
(8) "You're no general. You're not even a good painter."
(9) "Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric."
(10) "Your kids have all really touched me, and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them."
(11) "Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees."
(12) "First rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?"
(13 "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."
(14) "Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear."
(15) "I've been dead before."
Yada yada, the usual -- name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The comments section is now open. Go nuts.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
SEVENTH KEVIN
Sigh.
I don't do memes. At least I never used to. But, for only the second time in my personal blog history, I've been tagged. Therefore I'm it.
I really hate being it. But the nice lady tagged me so politely, who am I to say no?
So here goes. Be warned, though. I can't always guarantee a straight answer (well, except for the celebrity crushes).
7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. buy a cottage
2. write a screenplay
3. go white water rafting... again
4. finish my basement
5. win the lottery
6. visit spring training
7. figure out whodunit
7 THINGS I CAN DO
1. turn a double play (Ozzie Smith, eat your heart out)
2. strike out swinging (okay, so I'm all about the defence)
3. play the drums
4. my own laundry (don't tell the other guys)
5. karaoke the hell out of the Beatles
6. hold my booze
7. watch M*A*S*H reruns endlessly
7 THINGS I CANNOT DO
1. forgive Karla Homolka
2. ski
3. knit
4. eat olives (yech!)
5. walk a tightrope
6. fix my car
7. use the ladies room
7 THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
(If anything here offended my wife, #8 of THINGS I CAN DO would be "sing soprano.")
1. able
2. to
3. laugh
4. at
5. my
6. stupid
7. jokes
7 THINGS THAT I SAY MOST OFTEN
1. Holy crap!
2. Ciao
3. oh, man
4. no kidding
5. I didn't do it
6. how's it goin'
7. la lluvia en España miente principalmente en el llano
7 CELEBRITY CRUSHES
1. Catherine Bell
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt
3. Diane Lane
4. Helen Hunt
5. Chely Wright
6. Olivia Newton-John
7. Jody Vance
7 PEOPLE I WANT TO DO THIS
1. Doc
2. Sleepy
3. Grumpy
4. Sneezy
5. Happy
6. Bashful
7. George W. Bush
Oops. That last one should say "Dopey." On second thought...
Stay tuned...
I don't do memes. At least I never used to. But, for only the second time in my personal blog history, I've been tagged. Therefore I'm it.
I really hate being it. But the nice lady tagged me so politely, who am I to say no?
So here goes. Be warned, though. I can't always guarantee a straight answer (well, except for the celebrity crushes).
7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. buy a cottage
2. write a screenplay
3. go white water rafting... again
4. finish my basement
5. win the lottery
6. visit spring training
7. figure out whodunit
7 THINGS I CAN DO
1. turn a double play (Ozzie Smith, eat your heart out)
2. strike out swinging (okay, so I'm all about the defence)
3. play the drums
4. my own laundry (don't tell the other guys)
5. karaoke the hell out of the Beatles
6. hold my booze
7. watch M*A*S*H reruns endlessly
7 THINGS I CANNOT DO
1. forgive Karla Homolka
2. ski
3. knit
4. eat olives (yech!)
5. walk a tightrope
6. fix my car
7. use the ladies room
7 THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
(If anything here offended my wife, #8 of THINGS I CAN DO would be "sing soprano.")
1. able
2. to
3. laugh
4. at
5. my
6. stupid
7. jokes
7 THINGS THAT I SAY MOST OFTEN
1. Holy crap!
2. Ciao
3. oh, man
4. no kidding
5. I didn't do it
6. how's it goin'
7. la lluvia en España miente principalmente en el llano
7 CELEBRITY CRUSHES
1. Catherine Bell
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt
3. Diane Lane
4. Helen Hunt
5. Chely Wright
6. Olivia Newton-John
7. Jody Vance
7 PEOPLE I WANT TO DO THIS
1. Doc
2. Sleepy
3. Grumpy
4. Sneezy
5. Happy
6. Bashful
7. George W. Bush
Oops. That last one should say "Dopey." On second thought...
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
DVD TUESDAY
Excuse me while I get all commercial for a moment.
Starting today, I've decided to add something new to the site. It's probably not escaped a lot of you that I have a severe DVD addiction. I have no idea where it came from but it's probably something that shot out of my TV show and movie addictions. Therapy is far too expensive so I just go with the cash flow -- all the way to my nearest DVD retailer.
To that end, I've decided that every Tuesday I will highlight the week's new DVD releases. This will serve two ends. One, it will inform the uninformed. And two, it will highlight the DVD release list I've compiled on the right sidebar.
The release list is a labour of love for me, but is not without an ulterior motive. It's my hope that some of you will find this list useful and head over to Amazon to do some shopping. Any time my Amazon links are used for purchasing, I get a small small slice of the pie in the form of Amazon gift certificates that help build my DVD collection. It beats the snot out of one of those Tip Jars, since I actually do some work for it. So if you're disc addicted or you just have a thing for the good folks at Amazon in general, be a pal. What's good for your entertainment collection is also good for mine.
Now, onto the crux of the post. Here are some of today's notable DVD releases, including a great many TV boxed sets:
ALF - Season 2
Everybody's favourite alien lifeform (with the exception, of course, of the little guy with the glowing finger and the phone fetish) is back for another go around. The set includes all 25 episodes, the only drawback being that these are the syndicated versions as opposed to the full network versions. Which is just as well, since too much Gordon Shumway is never a good thing. Just ask your cat.
BOY MEETS WORLD - Season 3
Ben Savage, younger bro to Fred, continues his onscreen growth (literally and professionally) in this third season set. Included are all 22 episodes
CRACKER - Complete Series
This would be the 16 episodes of the American edition starring the late Robert Pastorelli, and not the original British version starring Robbie "Hagrid" Coltrane.
EMERGENCY! - Season 1
One of my all-time faves, Emergency! detailed the exploits of Los Angeles paramedics John Gage (Randolph Mantooth) and Rod DeSoto (Kevin Tighe), their Station 51 mates and the good folks at Rampart Hospital. The forerunner to shows such as Third Watch, this box contains 12 episodes plus a bonus episode of its sibling series, Adam-12, which also gets its Season 1 release today.
GOOD TIMES - Season 5
The final season of the seventies sitcom dealing with life "in the ghetto." A definite pop culture classic, if only for Jimmy Walker's regular uttering of "DYN-O-MITE!"
HAPPY GILMORE
This was released previously, but only in a fullscreen edition. For the first time, the entire movie, including the notorious Bob Barker shit kicking, is available in glorious anamorphic widescreen. As good as Sandler is in this flick, I also enjoyed it for other reasons (see Julie Bowen).
LIFE AS WE KNOW IT - Complete Series
Kelly Osbourne managed to squeeze in a little acting between rehab sessions, and the result is this short-lived series from last year. The set includes all thirteen episodes. While we're on the subject of short-lived series from last year, when are we going to get a box set of Jack & Bobby? Warners? Bueller? Anyone?
ONCE AND AGAIN - Season 2
The second season of the Sela Ward starring vehicle gets a release on the same day that season 1 gets a re-release. All 22 episodes are present and accounted for in their original full frame presentation. Those that can't get enough of Ms. Ward, watch House, M.D. this fall. She'll be recurring.
THE O.C. - Season 2
I don't really have a lot of tolerance for soaps, especially when they take place in southern California. But since I have plenty of reality programming to bash, I'll take it easy on the folks in Orange County's Newport Beach. The set includes all 24 episodes from the second season in anamorphic widescreen. Don't forget to rinse.
SIX FEET UNDER - Season 4
This series aired its final episode about a week ago, putting it literally six feet under. But then nothing is forever, although The Simpsons is giving it their best. This season 4 set includes 12 episodes, all in anamorphic widescreen.
WITNESS (Special Collector's Edition)
The Harrison Ford goes Amish undercover flick gets a glossy release with all the usual toys, such as a new anamorphic widescreen transfer and a five-part documentary chock full of new interviews with (among others) director Peter Weir and stars Harrison Ford, Kelly McGillis and Lukas Haas. Viggo Mortensen also gets to say his piece, which is interesting since his interview is probably longer than the time he was onscreen in the movie. You don't think that had anything to do with that Lord of the Rings thing, do ya?
Stay tuned...
Sunday, August 21, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.10
(DISCLAIMER: You want truth? Forget it. This is much more fun.)
Hello ev-ree-bod-ee.
Yikes, that was pathetic. I come off sounding like Sesame Street's Grover when I say it like that. Man, I hate that little blue whatever the hell he is. I'd just like to kick him in the gonads. Do Muppets have 'nads? No? Too bad.
Anyway, enough of my repressed anger. How about some of my repressed sense of homour, instead? Here's the past week's entertainment news, only slightly altered.
Drum roll...
MADONNA
The Material Girl went on the entertainment disabled list last week after taking a tumble from a horse during an outing with hubby Guy Ritchie and kids Lourdes and Rocco. Esther came away from the incident with a broken hand, a broken collar bone and three cracked ribs. Her American spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg said, "she's walking and talking. But she hasn't been this sore since she fell off of Willem Dafoe while filming sex scenes for Body of Evidence."
MATTHEW FOX
The star of ABC's smash hit Lost is laughing at doubters who think the show's plot may run out of gas, causing the show to end prematurely. Says Fox, "you're going to tell me you have issues about making a long-term show out of 14 main characters, 46 survivors on an island, with this huge, epic story to be told? The writers should be able to squeeze eight years out of this. And if they can't, we'll just turn it into a reality show."
PARIS HILTON
The socialite turned alleged actress is showing her disdain upon learning of an imposter who has been working her way around the celebutante's hangouts passing herself off as the real thing. According to reports, the phony Paris is 20-ish, carries a Chihuahua and utters the real Hilton's catch phrase, "that's hot." One unnamed acquaintance of the real thing was able to spot the difference, though. When asked what red flags alerted him to the phony, he said "she was too good an actress and she kept her legs closed."
EVA LONGORIA
The actress who plays the aduterous Gabrielle Solis on ABC's hit sudser Desperate Housewives narrowly missed serious injury this past week when she was hit on the head by a falling pole while filming an episode for the new fall season. Investigators have yet to figure out who's responsible for the accident, but everyone on set, including Longoria's castmates, were interviewed. When questioned, Nicollette Sheridan, Felicity Huffman and Teri Hatcher claimed to know nothing about the accident, while Marcia Cross fidgeted uncomfortably, stared at her feet and repeatedly said the words "I don't know."
SEAN COMBS
The rapper who used to be called Puff Daddy, or Puffy, by those that adore him, and certain unmentionable things by the rappers on da other coast, has once again grown bored with his moniker. Combs has announced that he's dropping the P from P. Diddy and going with just plain old Diddy. He also said that the small change was his second choice, since he originally wanted to change the whole name. When asked why he didn't, Combs responded "'Eminem' was already taken."
EMINEM
Speaking of his Mathers-ness, the best white rapper ever to come out of the state of Michigan is taking a break from touring after being stricken with exhaustion. Rumours that the real Slim Shady was actually taking time off for a stay in rehab were shot down by the artiste himself, who said somewhat bitterly to a press wag that "I'm bushed. Exhausted. Period. You try being angry and profane 24-7 and see if it doesn't wear you out, you f*cking dumbass!"
How rude.
Stay tuned...
Hello ev-ree-bod-ee.
Yikes, that was pathetic. I come off sounding like Sesame Street's Grover when I say it like that. Man, I hate that little blue whatever the hell he is. I'd just like to kick him in the gonads. Do Muppets have 'nads? No? Too bad.
Anyway, enough of my repressed anger. How about some of my repressed sense of homour, instead? Here's the past week's entertainment news, only slightly altered.
Drum roll...
MADONNA
The Material Girl went on the entertainment disabled list last week after taking a tumble from a horse during an outing with hubby Guy Ritchie and kids Lourdes and Rocco. Esther came away from the incident with a broken hand, a broken collar bone and three cracked ribs. Her American spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg said, "she's walking and talking. But she hasn't been this sore since she fell off of Willem Dafoe while filming sex scenes for Body of Evidence."
MATTHEW FOX
The star of ABC's smash hit Lost is laughing at doubters who think the show's plot may run out of gas, causing the show to end prematurely. Says Fox, "you're going to tell me you have issues about making a long-term show out of 14 main characters, 46 survivors on an island, with this huge, epic story to be told? The writers should be able to squeeze eight years out of this. And if they can't, we'll just turn it into a reality show."
PARIS HILTON
The socialite turned alleged actress is showing her disdain upon learning of an imposter who has been working her way around the celebutante's hangouts passing herself off as the real thing. According to reports, the phony Paris is 20-ish, carries a Chihuahua and utters the real Hilton's catch phrase, "that's hot." One unnamed acquaintance of the real thing was able to spot the difference, though. When asked what red flags alerted him to the phony, he said "she was too good an actress and she kept her legs closed."
EVA LONGORIA
The actress who plays the aduterous Gabrielle Solis on ABC's hit sudser Desperate Housewives narrowly missed serious injury this past week when she was hit on the head by a falling pole while filming an episode for the new fall season. Investigators have yet to figure out who's responsible for the accident, but everyone on set, including Longoria's castmates, were interviewed. When questioned, Nicollette Sheridan, Felicity Huffman and Teri Hatcher claimed to know nothing about the accident, while Marcia Cross fidgeted uncomfortably, stared at her feet and repeatedly said the words "I don't know."
SEAN COMBS
The rapper who used to be called Puff Daddy, or Puffy, by those that adore him, and certain unmentionable things by the rappers on da other coast, has once again grown bored with his moniker. Combs has announced that he's dropping the P from P. Diddy and going with just plain old Diddy. He also said that the small change was his second choice, since he originally wanted to change the whole name. When asked why he didn't, Combs responded "'Eminem' was already taken."
EMINEM
Speaking of his Mathers-ness, the best white rapper ever to come out of the state of Michigan is taking a break from touring after being stricken with exhaustion. Rumours that the real Slim Shady was actually taking time off for a stay in rehab were shot down by the artiste himself, who said somewhat bitterly to a press wag that "I'm bushed. Exhausted. Period. You try being angry and profane 24-7 and see if it doesn't wear you out, you f*cking dumbass!"
How rude.
Stay tuned...
Friday, August 19, 2005
"STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES" FOR $100, ALEX
Game shows bug me.
There, I said it. I'm pretty sure I've offended a great many people who spend their daytime hours in front of their televisions in their pajamas eating stale, microwaved popcorn and drinking diet Cokes a case at a time.
So be it.
I will say this, though. Game shows are still a step ahead of reality programming because, let's face it, most of the reality crap is so staged and unreal.
Not all game shows are worthy of my scorn. A few I can respect, like Jeopardy, for instance. You pretty much have to be running with the Mensa crowd to have any kind of success in the Kingdom of Alex. My only beef is the "answer in the form of a question" thing. But I guess that's part of the show's charm.
And when I was a kid, for whatever reasons, I liked The Joker's Wild, Hollywood Squares and Match Game. In the case of The Joker's Wild, it's difficult to hate any game show inspired by the seediness that is Las Vegas. As for Hollywood Squares and Match Game, the celebs that frequented the show were just so damn funny.
But for every smart and/or witty show, there are a dozen that insult my stupidity. The Price Is Right is a perfect example of such schlock. Hosted by Bob Barker who, I can honestly say I only like when he's kicking the shit out of Adam Sandler, TPIR is a daily documentary on why humanity should occasionally avoid procreation.
What's wrong with TPIR? Well, the set looks like it fell out of an episode of The Brady Bunch, which makes sense since it has remained mostly unchanged for about thirty years. The background music is also dated, sounding like Muzak that would be appropriate for a Stephen King movie. But the worst thing about the show is the proliferation of brain dead contestants. The Jeopardy folk can tell you Hitler's shoe size when he was fifteen years old, but the dopes on TPIR can't even state the price of a friggin' bar of soap without begging for help from the audience.
Forget spaying and neutering the pets, Bob. Some of your contestants should be rendered sterile, for the good of the human race.
Another favourite unfavourite of mine is Wheel of Fortune. Part of it might stem from the fact that a lot of people think I look like Pat Sajak. I wouldn't mind that so much if I was cashing his paychecks. For years I would get the "you like the Wheel of Fortune guy" label, closely followed by barely audible snickers.
But I hold no animosity toward Mr. Sajak. Hell, I even forgive him for his lame-ass attempt at a talk show. No, my hate of the Wheel is aimed squarely at Vanna White, the woman with the dumbest job in show business.
A typical Vanna day: Put on expensive dress; get made up; enter stage; smile and wave; report to letter board area; turn letters; clap; turn letters; clap; frown sadly at stupid contestant for buying wrong vowel; turn the rest of solved puzzle; clap; leave letter board to stand at Sajak's side; laugh lamely at Pat's jocularity; head to dressing room for a leaf of lettuce and an Evian; and repeat four more times.
Actually, that's not totally accurate. For the last few years the tech geeks who design the set have changed the letters so that poor, aging Vanna doesn't even have to flick her wrist and turn 'em. Now all she has to do is touch them. And for this she collects seven figures a year? The next time someone complains that a professional athlete is overpaid, they should think of Vanna.
A little perspective, you know?
It almost makes me want to watch an episode of Fear Factor. I respect the people who eat rats in a blender for 50 G's far more than I respect an overpaid cathode ray tube stroker.
So there. That's all I've got to say for today. Besides, Jeopardy is coming on.
Stay tuned...
There, I said it. I'm pretty sure I've offended a great many people who spend their daytime hours in front of their televisions in their pajamas eating stale, microwaved popcorn and drinking diet Cokes a case at a time.
So be it.
I will say this, though. Game shows are still a step ahead of reality programming because, let's face it, most of the reality crap is so staged and unreal.
Not all game shows are worthy of my scorn. A few I can respect, like Jeopardy, for instance. You pretty much have to be running with the Mensa crowd to have any kind of success in the Kingdom of Alex. My only beef is the "answer in the form of a question" thing. But I guess that's part of the show's charm.
And when I was a kid, for whatever reasons, I liked The Joker's Wild, Hollywood Squares and Match Game. In the case of The Joker's Wild, it's difficult to hate any game show inspired by the seediness that is Las Vegas. As for Hollywood Squares and Match Game, the celebs that frequented the show were just so damn funny.
But for every smart and/or witty show, there are a dozen that insult my stupidity. The Price Is Right is a perfect example of such schlock. Hosted by Bob Barker who, I can honestly say I only like when he's kicking the shit out of Adam Sandler, TPIR is a daily documentary on why humanity should occasionally avoid procreation.
What's wrong with TPIR? Well, the set looks like it fell out of an episode of The Brady Bunch, which makes sense since it has remained mostly unchanged for about thirty years. The background music is also dated, sounding like Muzak that would be appropriate for a Stephen King movie. But the worst thing about the show is the proliferation of brain dead contestants. The Jeopardy folk can tell you Hitler's shoe size when he was fifteen years old, but the dopes on TPIR can't even state the price of a friggin' bar of soap without begging for help from the audience.
Forget spaying and neutering the pets, Bob. Some of your contestants should be rendered sterile, for the good of the human race.
Another favourite unfavourite of mine is Wheel of Fortune. Part of it might stem from the fact that a lot of people think I look like Pat Sajak. I wouldn't mind that so much if I was cashing his paychecks. For years I would get the "you like the Wheel of Fortune guy" label, closely followed by barely audible snickers.
But I hold no animosity toward Mr. Sajak. Hell, I even forgive him for his lame-ass attempt at a talk show. No, my hate of the Wheel is aimed squarely at Vanna White, the woman with the dumbest job in show business.
A typical Vanna day: Put on expensive dress; get made up; enter stage; smile and wave; report to letter board area; turn letters; clap; turn letters; clap; frown sadly at stupid contestant for buying wrong vowel; turn the rest of solved puzzle; clap; leave letter board to stand at Sajak's side; laugh lamely at Pat's jocularity; head to dressing room for a leaf of lettuce and an Evian; and repeat four more times.
Actually, that's not totally accurate. For the last few years the tech geeks who design the set have changed the letters so that poor, aging Vanna doesn't even have to flick her wrist and turn 'em. Now all she has to do is touch them. And for this she collects seven figures a year? The next time someone complains that a professional athlete is overpaid, they should think of Vanna.
A little perspective, you know?
It almost makes me want to watch an episode of Fear Factor. I respect the people who eat rats in a blender for 50 G's far more than I respect an overpaid cathode ray tube stroker.
So there. That's all I've got to say for today. Besides, Jeopardy is coming on.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
THEY SAID THAT, PART IV
Okay, I'm back.
Despite all pre-denials, I did go fishing. I didn't actually do any fishing, but I caught a ride with my, uh, cousin-in-law Gord as he trolled the lake for what ended up being no apparent reason. Maybe all the fishies were at home watching reality TV. It's probably got all their favourites -- Fish Factor, Survivor: Mayberry Pond and The Simple Life: Shark Food.
See? Still demented. Apparently all I needed was a little rest. Now what was I doing last week...
Oh, that's right -- movie quotes. Here are the answers, along with the accompanying dementia:
(1) "This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"
M*A*S*H (1970): A dripping wet and barely robed Sally Kellerman as Hot Lips Houlihan tears a strip off Lt. Colonel Henry Blake (Roger Bowen) right after having her shower walls come crashing down around her ankles. It's 35 years later and Donald Sutherland (Hawkeye Pierce) and Elliott Gould (Trapper John McIntyre) still swear they had nothing to do with it.
(2) "Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."
THE WEDDING SINGER (1998): The words of Adam Sandler as romantic fool Robbie Hart to his wayward and extremely annoying ex-girlfriend Linda (Angela Featherstone), who's decided to love Robbie anyway, even if he is "only a wedding singer." Sandler's performance in this film is almost as good as the guy who portrayed Billy Idol.
(3) "Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station."
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN (1992): Baseball scout Ernie Capadino (Jon Lovitz) sarcastically explains to soon-to-be former farm girls Dotty and Kit (Geena Davis and Lori Petty) the most basic workings of the railway train, circa 1943.
(4) "I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998): This line is spoken by teenager Ted Stroehmann (Ben Stiller) through humungous braces made from more metal than the Brooklyn Bridge.
(5) "I don't work with the males, because I used to be one."
MRS. DOUBTFIRE (1993): Loving father Daniel Hillard, as played by Robin Williams, possibly mimicking RuPaul while trying to sabotage the efforts of his estranged wife Miranda (Sally Field) to hire a housekeeper.
(6) "Why don't you call me when you have no class?"
BACK TO SCHOOL (1986): Rodney Dangerfield's Thornton Melon tries somewhat diplomatically to arrange a date with Professor/Doctor Diane Turner (Sally Kellerman), while secretly hoping for the opportunity to see her shower curtain fall around her ankles.
(7) "Let them have outer space. We got rock 'n' roll!"
OCTOBER SKY (1999): In a statement that would have made Elvis proud, teenager Roy Lee Cook (William Lee Scott) tries to downplay the importance of the space race in the late fifties.
(8) "I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife."
HANNIBAL (2001): Anthony Hopkins, once again (literally) chewing up the scenery as Hannibal Lecter, gruesomely lets police Inspector Rinaldo Pazzi (Giancarlo Giannini) that he's on to him. What follows shortly after is a bowel movement unlike no other.
(9) "Mickey is a mouse; Donald is a duck; Pluto is a dog. What's Goofy?"
STAND BY ME (1986): In Rob Reiner's coming-of-age film, young Gordie Lachance (Wil Wheaton) muses aloud about one of the greatest mysteries to ever have confounded humankind.
(10) "You got those. I like those on a woman."
JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY (1984): Michael Keaton as good boy Johnny Kelly turned notorious gangster Johnny Dangerously tells it like it is. But I'm sure he was just talking about her eyebrows.
(11) "So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"
THE GOLDEN CHILD (1986): Chandler Jarrell (Eddie Murphy), a private detective who specializes in missing children's cases, has been given the special task of protecting "the Golden Child, a Bhuddist mystic who was kidnapped by an evil sorcerer." But he ain't happy about it.
(12) "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?"
REAL GENIUS (1985): The response of a charming young lady to the advances of genius slash wiseacre Chris Knight (Val Kilmer). At the time of the query, Knight wasn't quite, um, UP to the challenge.
(13) "He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!"
THE JERK (1979): Not realizing that he was the intended target of a sniper, Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) puts his lower than average I.Q. on display for all to see.
(14) "All right, nobody look 'til I get my cork back in."
TOY STORY 2 (1999): Buzz and Woody's favourite porker (voiced by Cliff Claven, um, I mean John Ratzenberger) pops his cork, leading to a brief moment of ceramic modesty.
(15) "I'm getting too old for this shit."
MAVERICK (1994): Yes, Danny Glover said this line in Lethal Weapon. Yes, he also said it in all the sequels (I've lost track of how many there are). But audiences almost didn't see it coming when Glover made a brief cameo as a bank robber in Weapon director Dick Donner's update of the classic TV series, starring Glover's Lethal buddy Mel Gibson in the title role.
Next game is set for Friday August 26.
Stay tuned...
Despite all pre-denials, I did go fishing. I didn't actually do any fishing, but I caught a ride with my, uh, cousin-in-law Gord as he trolled the lake for what ended up being no apparent reason. Maybe all the fishies were at home watching reality TV. It's probably got all their favourites -- Fish Factor, Survivor: Mayberry Pond and The Simple Life: Shark Food.
See? Still demented. Apparently all I needed was a little rest. Now what was I doing last week...
Oh, that's right -- movie quotes. Here are the answers, along with the accompanying dementia:
(1) "This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"
M*A*S*H (1970): A dripping wet and barely robed Sally Kellerman as Hot Lips Houlihan tears a strip off Lt. Colonel Henry Blake (Roger Bowen) right after having her shower walls come crashing down around her ankles. It's 35 years later and Donald Sutherland (Hawkeye Pierce) and Elliott Gould (Trapper John McIntyre) still swear they had nothing to do with it.
(2) "Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."
THE WEDDING SINGER (1998): The words of Adam Sandler as romantic fool Robbie Hart to his wayward and extremely annoying ex-girlfriend Linda (Angela Featherstone), who's decided to love Robbie anyway, even if he is "only a wedding singer." Sandler's performance in this film is almost as good as the guy who portrayed Billy Idol.
(3) "Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station."
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN (1992): Baseball scout Ernie Capadino (Jon Lovitz) sarcastically explains to soon-to-be former farm girls Dotty and Kit (Geena Davis and Lori Petty) the most basic workings of the railway train, circa 1943.
(4) "I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998): This line is spoken by teenager Ted Stroehmann (Ben Stiller) through humungous braces made from more metal than the Brooklyn Bridge.
(5) "I don't work with the males, because I used to be one."
MRS. DOUBTFIRE (1993): Loving father Daniel Hillard, as played by Robin Williams, possibly mimicking RuPaul while trying to sabotage the efforts of his estranged wife Miranda (Sally Field) to hire a housekeeper.
(6) "Why don't you call me when you have no class?"
BACK TO SCHOOL (1986): Rodney Dangerfield's Thornton Melon tries somewhat diplomatically to arrange a date with Professor/Doctor Diane Turner (Sally Kellerman), while secretly hoping for the opportunity to see her shower curtain fall around her ankles.
(7) "Let them have outer space. We got rock 'n' roll!"
OCTOBER SKY (1999): In a statement that would have made Elvis proud, teenager Roy Lee Cook (William Lee Scott) tries to downplay the importance of the space race in the late fifties.
(8) "I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife."
HANNIBAL (2001): Anthony Hopkins, once again (literally) chewing up the scenery as Hannibal Lecter, gruesomely lets police Inspector Rinaldo Pazzi (Giancarlo Giannini) that he's on to him. What follows shortly after is a bowel movement unlike no other.
(9) "Mickey is a mouse; Donald is a duck; Pluto is a dog. What's Goofy?"
STAND BY ME (1986): In Rob Reiner's coming-of-age film, young Gordie Lachance (Wil Wheaton) muses aloud about one of the greatest mysteries to ever have confounded humankind.
(10) "You got those. I like those on a woman."
JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY (1984): Michael Keaton as good boy Johnny Kelly turned notorious gangster Johnny Dangerously tells it like it is. But I'm sure he was just talking about her eyebrows.
(11) "So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"
THE GOLDEN CHILD (1986): Chandler Jarrell (Eddie Murphy), a private detective who specializes in missing children's cases, has been given the special task of protecting "the Golden Child, a Bhuddist mystic who was kidnapped by an evil sorcerer." But he ain't happy about it.
(12) "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?"
REAL GENIUS (1985): The response of a charming young lady to the advances of genius slash wiseacre Chris Knight (Val Kilmer). At the time of the query, Knight wasn't quite, um, UP to the challenge.
(13) "He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!"
THE JERK (1979): Not realizing that he was the intended target of a sniper, Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) puts his lower than average I.Q. on display for all to see.
(14) "All right, nobody look 'til I get my cork back in."
TOY STORY 2 (1999): Buzz and Woody's favourite porker (voiced by Cliff Claven, um, I mean John Ratzenberger) pops his cork, leading to a brief moment of ceramic modesty.
(15) "I'm getting too old for this shit."
MAVERICK (1994): Yes, Danny Glover said this line in Lethal Weapon. Yes, he also said it in all the sequels (I've lost track of how many there are). But audiences almost didn't see it coming when Glover made a brief cameo as a bank robber in Weapon director Dick Donner's update of the classic TV series, starring Glover's Lethal buddy Mel Gibson in the title role.
Next game is set for Friday August 26.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
WHO SAID THAT? PART IV
Oh, yeah...
Sorry, I drifted there for a moment; I could hear the peace and quiet of the boonies whispering my name. Oh what I'd do to get the hell out of suburbia -- permanently. 'Cause, let's face it, this place --
WHOOPS! I almost went all Rant King there for a second.
Where was I? Oh, that's right. It's time once again to play the movie quote game. Why? Well, because I pegged this date almost three weeks ago. And because it's fun. And because I'm slacking lately and this makes for really easy posting.
Told ya I need a vacation. Here are the quotes:
(1) "This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"
(2) "Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."
(3) "Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station."
(4) "I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
(5) "I don't work with the males, because I used to be one."
(6) "Why don't you call me when you have no class?"
(7) "Let them have outer space. We got rock 'n' roll!"
(8) "I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife."
(9) "Mickey is a mouse; Donald is a duck; Pluto is a dog. What's Goofy?"
(10) "You got those. I like those on a woman."
(11) "So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"
(12) "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?"
(13) "He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!"
(14) "All right, nobody look 'til I get my cork back in."
(15) "I'm getting too old for this shit."
Once again, name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The answers will be posted on Monday.
The comments section is now open.
Oh, one other little thing. The answer to number 15 can not be any movie with the words Lethal and/or Weapon in the title. So there!
Stay tuned...
Sorry, I drifted there for a moment; I could hear the peace and quiet of the boonies whispering my name. Oh what I'd do to get the hell out of suburbia -- permanently. 'Cause, let's face it, this place --
WHOOPS! I almost went all Rant King there for a second.
Where was I? Oh, that's right. It's time once again to play the movie quote game. Why? Well, because I pegged this date almost three weeks ago. And because it's fun. And because I'm slacking lately and this makes for really easy posting.
Told ya I need a vacation. Here are the quotes:
(1) "This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"
(2) "Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."
(3) "Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station."
(4) "I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."
(5) "I don't work with the males, because I used to be one."
(6) "Why don't you call me when you have no class?"
(7) "Let them have outer space. We got rock 'n' roll!"
(8) "I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife."
(9) "Mickey is a mouse; Donald is a duck; Pluto is a dog. What's Goofy?"
(10) "You got those. I like those on a woman."
(11) "So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"
(12) "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?"
(13) "He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!"
(14) "All right, nobody look 'til I get my cork back in."
(15) "I'm getting too old for this shit."
Once again, name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. The answers will be posted on Monday.
The comments section is now open.
Oh, one other little thing. The answer to number 15 can not be any movie with the words Lethal and/or Weapon in the title. So there!
Stay tuned...
Sunday, August 7, 2005
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.09
(DISCLAIMER: I'm only joking -- go sue someone else!)
Hello again.
Welcome to another edition of Sunday Crapola, my weekly flaying slash fileting of celebrities with all the precision of somebody blindly carving a turkey. What can I say -- it's meaty, it's juicy and it's fake. I guess that makes it tofu turkey.
Um, yeah.
While I'm on the subject of poultry, I think I see some drumsticks. A drum roll and away we go:
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Bill Murray's favourite whisperer shocked director Michael Bay with a request to do a topless scene while filming The Island. During an interview Johansson was asked why she wanted to lose her top for the scene. Scarlett said "I wasn't happy with the bra I was supposed to wear. Besides, I'd have gone full frontal for the whole shoot if it kept Michael Bay from ruining another movie."
RAFAEL PALMEIRO
The beefy Baltimore Orioles slugger, who spent a day in the spring passionately speaking to the American Congress about his supposed lack of steroid use, got caught with his biceps in the cookie jar last week after Major League Baseball ran some of his urine through Bud Selig's personal chromatograph. This has led Congress to investigate whether Palmeiro perjured himself. But Palmeiro is denying this, claiming he "never knowingly testified while under oath."
STUART TOWNSEND
The Irish actor and Charlize Theron are getting married at their Malibu home this summer after four years of dating. When asked by a reporter whether he had any trepidation in going down the aisle with a mega-star Oscar winner like Theron, the lesser known Townsend answered "no, not at all. It's not like I'm marrying a monster."
MIMI ROGERS
The original Mrs. Tom Cruise was as shocked as anyone to see her ex's romantic proposal to Katie Holmes at the top of the Eiffel Tower. She also felt a little let down. Said Mimi, "with me, Tom didn't do anything dashing, like going down on on one knee. He proposed to me at a McDonald's drive-thru in Las Vegas. He ordered two McChicken meals and then asked if I wanted to elope at the McChapel of Love."
BEN AFFLECK
The man who put the "Ben" in "Bennifer" not once, but twice, has decided to take part in the sequel to his comic book superhero flick Daredevil, which will also star current gal pal Jennifer Garner. In talking to one wag from the press, Affleck hinted that he still has some of the physique needed for such a demanding role, making note of his past fitness regimen, which included swimming, running and lugging around J. Lo's ego.
PARIS HILTON/NICOLE RICHIE
Despite the fact that they currently hate each other's guts, reality TV's gruesome twosome will once again be doing the "dumb rich girls go to work thing" as The Simple Life returns for another season this fall. Never one to miss out on a little exploitation, the FOX network is going to take full advantage of the girls' animosity by sending them to Rome. The show will be called The Simple Life: Coliseum, with the celebutant bimbettes fighting each other to the death in the season finale. Recent surveys indicate that fans of the show are split down the middle as to who they want to win, while non-viewers are unanimously cheering for a draw.
And I'm done. There will be no Crapola next week -- I'm goin' fishing, except that I don't fish. But I'm goin' anyway. The fertilizer will return in two weeks.
Stay tuned...
Hello again.
Welcome to another edition of Sunday Crapola, my weekly flaying slash fileting of celebrities with all the precision of somebody blindly carving a turkey. What can I say -- it's meaty, it's juicy and it's fake. I guess that makes it tofu turkey.
Um, yeah.
While I'm on the subject of poultry, I think I see some drumsticks. A drum roll and away we go:
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Bill Murray's favourite whisperer shocked director Michael Bay with a request to do a topless scene while filming The Island. During an interview Johansson was asked why she wanted to lose her top for the scene. Scarlett said "I wasn't happy with the bra I was supposed to wear. Besides, I'd have gone full frontal for the whole shoot if it kept Michael Bay from ruining another movie."
RAFAEL PALMEIRO
The beefy Baltimore Orioles slugger, who spent a day in the spring passionately speaking to the American Congress about his supposed lack of steroid use, got caught with his biceps in the cookie jar last week after Major League Baseball ran some of his urine through Bud Selig's personal chromatograph. This has led Congress to investigate whether Palmeiro perjured himself. But Palmeiro is denying this, claiming he "never knowingly testified while under oath."
STUART TOWNSEND
The Irish actor and Charlize Theron are getting married at their Malibu home this summer after four years of dating. When asked by a reporter whether he had any trepidation in going down the aisle with a mega-star Oscar winner like Theron, the lesser known Townsend answered "no, not at all. It's not like I'm marrying a monster."
MIMI ROGERS
The original Mrs. Tom Cruise was as shocked as anyone to see her ex's romantic proposal to Katie Holmes at the top of the Eiffel Tower. She also felt a little let down. Said Mimi, "with me, Tom didn't do anything dashing, like going down on on one knee. He proposed to me at a McDonald's drive-thru in Las Vegas. He ordered two McChicken meals and then asked if I wanted to elope at the McChapel of Love."
BEN AFFLECK
The man who put the "Ben" in "Bennifer" not once, but twice, has decided to take part in the sequel to his comic book superhero flick Daredevil, which will also star current gal pal Jennifer Garner. In talking to one wag from the press, Affleck hinted that he still has some of the physique needed for such a demanding role, making note of his past fitness regimen, which included swimming, running and lugging around J. Lo's ego.
PARIS HILTON/NICOLE RICHIE
Despite the fact that they currently hate each other's guts, reality TV's gruesome twosome will once again be doing the "dumb rich girls go to work thing" as The Simple Life returns for another season this fall. Never one to miss out on a little exploitation, the FOX network is going to take full advantage of the girls' animosity by sending them to Rome. The show will be called The Simple Life: Coliseum, with the celebutant bimbettes fighting each other to the death in the season finale. Recent surveys indicate that fans of the show are split down the middle as to who they want to win, while non-viewers are unanimously cheering for a draw.
And I'm done. There will be no Crapola next week -- I'm goin' fishing, except that I don't fish. But I'm goin' anyway. The fertilizer will return in two weeks.
Stay tuned...
Saturday, August 6, 2005
HOLY CRAPOLA!
The ear nibbler who ranks just ahead of Jason Voorhees at the bottom of the list of every girl's dream dates decided last night to hang up the boxing gloves after his latest loss, so that he can do something a little more noble. Like maybe porn, for instance.
-- Sunday Crapola, June 12, 2005
* * * * *
Actually, make that Holy UN-Crapola!
Boy, that Mike Tyson has some nerve. The guy's spent his entire adult life beating the shit out of people (and biting the lobes off of people), but now he's outdone himself.
How so?
Well, it seems that Mikey has made a truther out of me. Or an unliar, whichever sounds better.
The excerpt at the top of this piece is from the very first edition of Sunday Crapola which, to the unitiated, is my Sunday celebrity "news" magazine in which I report the facts and then blast them into total bullshit. I like to think it's funny. But I think it's even funnier when my wading through the brown and smelly stuff produces facts that are, in fact, facts.
And unless I'm reading things wrong, Mike Tyson is -- in fact -- entering the world of adult movies. That's right -- porno, humping, horizontal gymnastics on celluloid -- whatever the hell you want to call it. He's barely had time to drop his fists and now he's decided that he'd like to drop his drawers. Which means my facts that became unfacts are in fact, um, fuct.
But I have to wonder, did I inspire the big guy? Was he online one day when he just happened to trip on my humble little excuse for a website? Who knew Mikey could use a computer?
Better yet, who knew Mikey could read?
And what an inspiration I must have been. Tyson isn't going to be sticking it to just any gal. Word has it that his first insertion will involve none other than porn queen Jenna Jameson herself.
What a pairing that is, huh? I can just see the Tale of the Tape:
Mikey's got her in weight and height. But she's younger and I'm betting her reach will hold up better than his.
Then there's the matter of talent. Sure, Mikey might have the tools, but that doesn't mean he knows how to use a hammer. For all we know, his porn career might be hit and miss.
Hmmm. Sort of like his last fight.
Stay tuned...
-- Sunday Crapola, June 12, 2005
* * * * *
Actually, make that Holy UN-Crapola!
Boy, that Mike Tyson has some nerve. The guy's spent his entire adult life beating the shit out of people (and biting the lobes off of people), but now he's outdone himself.
How so?
Well, it seems that Mikey has made a truther out of me. Or an unliar, whichever sounds better.
The excerpt at the top of this piece is from the very first edition of Sunday Crapola which, to the unitiated, is my Sunday celebrity "news" magazine in which I report the facts and then blast them into total bullshit. I like to think it's funny. But I think it's even funnier when my wading through the brown and smelly stuff produces facts that are, in fact, facts.
And unless I'm reading things wrong, Mike Tyson is -- in fact -- entering the world of adult movies. That's right -- porno, humping, horizontal gymnastics on celluloid -- whatever the hell you want to call it. He's barely had time to drop his fists and now he's decided that he'd like to drop his drawers. Which means my facts that became unfacts are in fact, um, fuct.
But I have to wonder, did I inspire the big guy? Was he online one day when he just happened to trip on my humble little excuse for a website? Who knew Mikey could use a computer?
Better yet, who knew Mikey could read?
And what an inspiration I must have been. Tyson isn't going to be sticking it to just any gal. Word has it that his first insertion will involve none other than porn queen Jenna Jameson herself.
What a pairing that is, huh? I can just see the Tale of the Tape:
Mikey's got her in weight and height. But she's younger and I'm betting her reach will hold up better than his.
Then there's the matter of talent. Sure, Mikey might have the tools, but that doesn't mean he knows how to use a hammer. For all we know, his porn career might be hit and miss.
Hmmm. Sort of like his last fight.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, August 4, 2005
LIFE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE
Don't worry, folks -- I'm not dead, I'm just resting. You know, like the parrot in the Monty Python sketch, except that he was dead.
Um, anyway...
I want to step away from the schlock that is the world of entertainment for just a minute and talk about Tuesday. Why? Well, it was a weird day.
My wife had run off to a water park with our oldest (Sara, who turns 9 later this week) while I spent the afternoon at home with the boys (Mason is 5, Cameron is 1). The girls' escape was based on the heat, which was stifling. It was also based on the weather report, which was wrong.
Very wrong.
The weather was supposed to be sunny with only the slightest chance of any rain. I was out on the covered balcony on the front of the house when I noticed the first sign of something amiss -- clouds blacker than a freshly paved road.
"Okay," I thought to myself. "What are the odds that it will actually rain?" Not that great, since there had been very little rain in the last month or so. Besides, the forecast said...
I ignored the clouds, sat down on the balcony and cracked open a book. Not long after, the rain started.
Actually, rain is a bit of a misnomer, so let me rephrase: the torrential downpour started.
"Cool," I thought to myself. "But what are the odds that it will last?" Not that great. Besides, the forecast said...
Then the thunder and lightning show started. Great forks lit up the sky while incredibly forceful booms threatened to move my chair while I was still in it.
"Wow," I thought to myself. "This can't be happening." It went on for quite awhile, but I hardly believed it. Besides, the forecast said...
I stayed outside as long as I could, soaking it all up, so to speak. But I had to go inside once the wind shifted and the hail stones started bouncing in my lap.
So I entered the realm of the air conditioned and continued to watch the sky for awhile, wondering if the female half of my family was experiencing far more wetness than they had counted on. After an hour or two of watching Mother Nature's tantrum, it finally calmed a little.
Bored with the quieting sky, I turned on the TV and checked out some local news, only to find out a plane had crashed at nearby Pearson International Airport.
"Holy crap!" I thought.
The story shifted as rapidly as the weather of two hours ago. It was a Lufhansa 737 with 200 people aboard. No, it was an Air France Airbus A340 with 300 people aboard.
This was not good.
I sat glued to the screen, flicking the channels between the Canadian news and CNN. Both had the same grim images: a barely visible fuselage engulfed in flames. I was saddened at the thought of the loss of life, even more so since it was practically in my back yard.
Imagine my shock and glee a little while later when I found out that all had survived. The jet's crew had everyone out in less than two minutes, with the survivors scrambling in multiple directions through a soggy ravine.
"Holy crap crap!" I thought.
In my head, I tried to reconcile the weird day that was by rewriting the day's weather forecast: today will have a one hundred per cent chance of zero sunshine with severe thunderstorms, gale force winds, hail and a crashing plane with scattered survivors.
I am not afraid to fly. But I will never trust a weather forecast again.
Stay tuned...
Um, anyway...
I want to step away from the schlock that is the world of entertainment for just a minute and talk about Tuesday. Why? Well, it was a weird day.
My wife had run off to a water park with our oldest (Sara, who turns 9 later this week) while I spent the afternoon at home with the boys (Mason is 5, Cameron is 1). The girls' escape was based on the heat, which was stifling. It was also based on the weather report, which was wrong.
Very wrong.
The weather was supposed to be sunny with only the slightest chance of any rain. I was out on the covered balcony on the front of the house when I noticed the first sign of something amiss -- clouds blacker than a freshly paved road.
"Okay," I thought to myself. "What are the odds that it will actually rain?" Not that great, since there had been very little rain in the last month or so. Besides, the forecast said...
I ignored the clouds, sat down on the balcony and cracked open a book. Not long after, the rain started.
Actually, rain is a bit of a misnomer, so let me rephrase: the torrential downpour started.
"Cool," I thought to myself. "But what are the odds that it will last?" Not that great. Besides, the forecast said...
Then the thunder and lightning show started. Great forks lit up the sky while incredibly forceful booms threatened to move my chair while I was still in it.
"Wow," I thought to myself. "This can't be happening." It went on for quite awhile, but I hardly believed it. Besides, the forecast said...
I stayed outside as long as I could, soaking it all up, so to speak. But I had to go inside once the wind shifted and the hail stones started bouncing in my lap.
So I entered the realm of the air conditioned and continued to watch the sky for awhile, wondering if the female half of my family was experiencing far more wetness than they had counted on. After an hour or two of watching Mother Nature's tantrum, it finally calmed a little.
Bored with the quieting sky, I turned on the TV and checked out some local news, only to find out a plane had crashed at nearby Pearson International Airport.
"Holy crap!" I thought.
The story shifted as rapidly as the weather of two hours ago. It was a Lufhansa 737 with 200 people aboard. No, it was an Air France Airbus A340 with 300 people aboard.
This was not good.
I sat glued to the screen, flicking the channels between the Canadian news and CNN. Both had the same grim images: a barely visible fuselage engulfed in flames. I was saddened at the thought of the loss of life, even more so since it was practically in my back yard.
Imagine my shock and glee a little while later when I found out that all had survived. The jet's crew had everyone out in less than two minutes, with the survivors scrambling in multiple directions through a soggy ravine.
"Holy crap crap!" I thought.
In my head, I tried to reconcile the weird day that was by rewriting the day's weather forecast: today will have a one hundred per cent chance of zero sunshine with severe thunderstorms, gale force winds, hail and a crashing plane with scattered survivors.
I am not afraid to fly. But I will never trust a weather forecast again.
Stay tuned...
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