MASTER OF MY DOMAIN

Lest you think I'm getting in touch with my, uh, groinal self, let's have some real fun, shall we? Type this in your browser:

http://www.poopd-culture.com

Now is that cool, or what?

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's more notable releases:

THE AMAZING RACE - Season 1
I don't do reality shows so this one isn't for me. But from what I've heard, this one ain't half bad. Something about real spontaneity, as opposed to that artificially staged stuff (Earth to Survivor, come in Survivor).

THE COMPLETE MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
Quick, name your favourite Python sketch. The parrot? Ministry of silly walks? Upper class twit of the year? The lumberjack song? Yeah, I know, it's hard. This set contains every episode of the classic British series on a whopping sixteen discs. Hey you? Stop that -- it's silly. Roll the cartoon...

EVIL DEAD 2 (Book of the Dead Edition)
The classic sequel to the classic original is really a remake with a few extra twists thrown in... a possessed hand immediately comes to mind. Scary as hell and almost as funny, Sam Raimi's second edition of "Ash gets lost in the woods and then wakes up some demons" gets the same "human skin" bound treatment the original got some time ago. Pricey, but worth it to collectors who go for this sort of thing. I can't wait for Army of Darkness to get skinned.

FAMILY GUY PRESENTS: STEWIE GRIFFIN
Family Guy fans rejoice! First, an uncancellation, and now this direct-to-disc full-length movie which has maniacal baby Stewie wandering off in search of a man he believes to be his real father. I'm guessing anything would be an improvement over dopey Peter Griffin, although I doubt the other dad would be as funny. Don't do it, Stewie! Come back...

GILMORE GIRLS - Season 4
I'm only mentioning this one because I think that Gilmore girl is cute. No, not Alexis Bledel -- she's as annoying as hell. But Lauren Graham? Rrrrrr. Um, anyway, 22 episodes on six discs for those who can't get enough of either one.

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (20th Anniversary Edition)
The title says it all. Writer-director John McNaughton's disturbing account of the life of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas gets its second DVD release. Included in the extras on this one is a brand new 52 minute documentary, for those who are into this sort of thing, which is probably most of us.

A KNIGHT'S TALE (Extended Edition)
We will rock you, indeed. Heath Ledger stars in this, uh, tale of an ordinary man who fakes a knighthood during medieval times, all the while spouting contemporary dialogue. As it says in the title, this version contains extra footage not shown in theatres.

LORDS OF DOGTOWN
Heath Ledger again, only this time he's caught up in some kinda skateboard thing. Or something. Can you tell I haven't seen it? The film also stars Johnny Knoxville, Rebecca DeMornay and a bunch of guys I've never heard of. Anyway, like gas you can buy it regular (AKA regular) or high octane (AKA unrated and extended). Unlike gas, you might be able to afford this.

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT - Season 2
This is the second season of the second Law & Order. Or is it the third? Nobody knows for certain. It could be the fourth. No, wait -- the fourth one never had a second season. This one has three discs containing 21 episodes. Or is it 21 discs and three episodes. Aw, forget it...

ROBOTS
Robin Williams, Mel Brooks and Drew Carey are among the voices in this animated film from 20th Century Fox, a studio not known for animation unless the calendar reads Sunday. Available in separate anamorphic widescreen and slicedtobits fullscreen editions.

STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE - Season 3
Enterprise is easily the most maligned of all Trek series, a dishonour that should have fallen upon Star Trek: Voyager (AKA The Borg & the Restless). Relive the underappreciated voyages of Captain Jonathan Archer and crew in this set, which contains 24 episodes on seven discs.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART VII

Here are the answers to Friday's movie quotes:

(1) "You must be the short, depressed kid we ordered."
MEATBALLS (1979): Bill Murray, as camp counsellor Tripper Harrison, greets camper Rudy (Chris Makepeace) while simultaneously checking the youngster's self-esteem for a pulse. This one is currently out of print on DVD, so c'mon Paramount! Get with the picture and re-release the picture, will ya?

(2) "I've never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful -- and I'm in politics."
SWEET HOME ALABAMA (2002): New York Mayor Kate Hennings (Candace Bergen, basically playing the same character she played a couple of years earlier in Miss Congeniality) takes stock of her future daughter-in-law with nary a mirror in sight.

(3) "I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."
RAISING HELEN (2004): Pastor Dan Parker (John Corbett), while trying to romance the beautiful Helen Harris (Kate Hudson), spouts things the Pope can only dream of saying.

(4) "I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help."
SIDEWAYS (2004): Actor Jack (Thomas Haden Church), who never met a skirt he didn't want to see lying on a bedroom floor, tries to get author pal Miles (Paul Giamatti) to loosen up the only way he knows how.

(5) "My mother should have raised cobras, not children."
THE PRINCE OF TIDES (1991): Troubled unemployed football coach Tom Wingo (Nick Nolte) explains to psychiatrist Dr. Susan Lowenstein (Barbra Streisand) that he won't be nominating his mother (Kate Nelligan) for Parent of the Year.

(6) "I've had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath."
BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (2001): Romantically-challenged Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger) tells her diary that words and wetness are more reliable than wankers. * see below

(7) "You can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting."
STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999): The words of Shmi Skywalker (Pernilla August), mother to Anakin, as she kinda sorta but not completely acknowledges the potential of her extremely talented offspring.

(8) "You see, Jason was my son and today is his birthday."
FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980): A slightly demented Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer) tries to explain to the last surviving teenager the reasons for her bloody rampage in the one before the one before the one with the hockey mask.

(9) "When I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, 'Ted Kennedy was shot?' "
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989): Harry (Billy Crystal) explains to pal Jess (Bruno Kirby) the intellectual perils of dating (much) younger women.

(10) "Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues."
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING (1987): Blues guitarist Albert Collins says this line twice: First, when Chris Parker (Elisabeth Shue) and her motley crew enter the blues club while fleeing some thugs (thus delaying their escape), and second when said thugs enter the joint (thus delaying their pursuit).

(11) "You're saying the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?"
POINT BREAK (1991): FBI agent Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) responds to his new assignment while straining against the urge to scream "excellent!"

(12) "If they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it."
APOLLO 13 (1995): Blanch Lovell (mother to astronaut Jim Lovell as played by director Ron Howard's mother, Jean Speegle Howard -- it's amazing the things you learn when you actually watch the credits) comforts her granddaughter with a faith in her son that no God could possibly deny.

The next set of quotes will be posted on Friday October 14.

UPDATE:
Um, okay. The My answer for #6 is wrong (thank you, Cathy). The quote is actually from JERRY MAGUIRE, as is indicated in the comments from Friday. That, and the fact I knew this when I wrote the original list of quotes. Ironic, really, since I just watched Bridget Jones recently (must have had it on the brain). It would have made for a good Bridget entry, though. Mea culpa, pass the Advil. Oh, and fire the editor (thatsa me).

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.15

(DISCLAIMER: I'm just telling it like it isn't. Doesn't everyone?)

Here we are once again for another edition of Sunday Crapola. What is Sunday Crapola, you might ask? Well, you might if you've never been here before. For the rookies, it is my slightly demented take on celebritydom, dissed and dished out weekly. And like some celebrities that shall remain namelesstarareid, my take includes certain lopsided enhancements.

Don't worry, though, I can fix that. Just put some Bailey's Irish Cream in that coffee you're drinking. After a few swigs, everythings wills starts to makes senses.

This week's list is slightly abbreviated, partially due to the computer problems I had last week, which are now solved. I've got some good stuff, and I had even more. But the rest went down the hatch with Evangeline Lilly during last week's season premiere of Lost. I tell ya, I've really got to start taking better care of my stuff.

C'est la vie, eh?. Okay, I'm done rambling.

Drumroll, etc, etc:

LIL' KIM
The gal with the sly tongue headed to prison this week to begin serving a one year sentence for perjury. The rapper wasn't available for comment, but her publicist released a statement to the press, stating that "Kim is frazzled, but will be fine. She's facing the sentence with courage, but isn't above doing whatever is necessary to protect herself while incarcerated. To that end, she will no longer be called Lil' Kim. For the next 366 days she will be known as Big' Bertha."

JOHN STAMOS
The Full House vet was surprised with the news this week that his ex-wife Rebecca Romijn, who divorced him only six months ago, has announced her engagement to Crossing Jordan stud Jerry O'Connell. Stamos was contacted by a reporter, and when asked to comment he tried to say the right thing, and almost succeeded. Said Stamos, "it's just one of those things, you know? In all honesty, I wish them nothing but the best. Well, except for him."

LISA KUDROW
Proving that one need not be master of one's own domain to be jinxed in the world of television, the ex-Friend got the news this week that her show on HBO, The Comeback, would not, in fact, be coming back for a second season. Kudrow was disappointed, but consoled herself by saying, "I can always cherish the fact that I was once Ursula Buffay. Wait, I mean Phoebe Buffay. Damn, I guess I could never tell them apart, either."

CHRISTIAN SLATER
The troubled actor slipped through the fingers of the law this week with an acquittal on charges that he groped a woman in New York City earlier this year. Slater celebrated by embracing his lawyer, and headed straight for a press group to say his piece. When asked for a comment on his acquittal, Slater said "she felt good. Uh, I mean, it feels good."

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART VII

I hate computers.

(Deep breath)

Here, as promised, is the latest edition of the movie quote game, slightly abbreviated because I'm not currently on speaking terms with my Pentium. Please don't ask, it took almost two days to lower my blood pressure.

Anyway, usual rules to the game: name the film as well as the actor and/or character that spoketh the quote. Here goes:

(1) "You must be the short, depressed kid we ordered."

(2) "I've never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful -- and I'm in politics."

(3) "I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

(4) "I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help."

(5) "My mother should have raised cobras, not children."

(6) "I've had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath."

(7) "You can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting."

(8) "You see, Jason was my son and today is his birthday."

(9) "When I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, 'Ted Kennedy was shot?' "

(10) "Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues."

(11) "You're saying the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?"

(12) "If they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it."

The comments section is now open.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's notable DVD releases, as selected by yours truly:

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - Season 1
The snazzy remake, not the brown polyester infested original, it's been available for a couple of months as an evil Best Buy exclusive. Wait, did I just say evil? Whoops, I've gotta stop writing all that I'm thinking. Anyway, those of us with bigboxaphobia can now go to the nearest mom and pop and pay through the nose for all 13 episodes on five discs. Man, I still can't believe they made Starbuck a girl...

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - Season 1
Last year's runaway soap hit comes to DVD just in time for those of us that missed it and really want to get caught up in all the excitement as season two starts because a soap opera can be a lot of fun with lots of interesting characters and even a gutterslut or two. Sorry, I'm rambling. Six discs, 22 episodes, go nuts.

FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON (Signature Edition)
A re-release of the Tom Hanks produced miniseries, only this time it gets a glossy anamporphic widescreen presentation, instead of the lame fullscreen version that came out in 1998. Sorta makes me glad that I didn't buy it the first time around, not that I wasn't tempted. And boy, was I tempted! Now I'm even more tempted. The entire 12-episode series once again arrives on five shiny discs. I'm so screwed.

INSIDE DEEP THROAT
Let's see, it's a documentary about a movie that starred a girl who had a talent for... for... um... sword swallowing? Yeah, it's about the circus, that's the ticket.

THE LONGEST YARD
This is the Adam Sandler remake, not the classic Burt Reynolds original. Buy it if you must, but I'm going to make rude faces behind your back if you do. Mean Machine, pffft...

MAJOR DUNDEE (Extended Version)
This extended edition of the Sam Peckinpah Civil War drama will hopefully restore some of Peckinpah's vision. As the story goes, the final edited cut of this film was one that Peckinpah had little input on, so the development of certain characters was a little on the thin side. Starring Charlton Heston, Richard Harris and James Coburn, it's a decent film that hopefully just got a little bit better.

MALLRATS (10th Anniversary Edition)
Kevin Smith's comedy about two losers in love and their misadventures at the mall after their girlfriends send them packing. This two-disc edition has all kinds of goodies, including outtakes, commentary by Smith, Ben Affleck and Jason Lee (among others), a making-of featurette and a couple of other nifty bits and (silent) bobs.

NED AND STACEY - Season 1
Thomas Haden Church ditched his Wings to star in this sitcom along with future Grace Debra Messing. It lasted all of two seasons. This comprises the, uh, first half -- 24 episodes on three discs.

THE OUTSIDERS (Special Edition)
This Francis Ford Coppola directed adaptation of S.E. Hinton's novel had a kind of Beatlemanic quality about it as girls flocked to the theatres in droves in 1983 to gape at Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Tom Cruise and Emilio Estevez. Frickin' pretty boys! I was so glad when that one, you know, died so all the girls would just shut the hell up. But then they started weeping. Serves 'em right. Ahem, anyway, all tears aside, this most excellent edition is subtitled "The Complete Novel" and includes an extended edition (good for extra screaming and weeping), featurettes and commentary by almost all of the main cast (guess which Scientologist didn't participate).

Stay tuned...

FIXIN' THE EMMY BLUES

Hugh... didn't... win.

Sniff.

Okay, I got the tears out of the way. The sour grapes will come a little bit later in this piece.

Like many morons, I watched the Emmy Awards tonight. Well, most of them anyway. I didn't make it home until almost 9PM, so I missed the first hour. After watching the last two hours, I'm guessing I didn't miss much. From the few Emmy related comments I have read in the blogosphere, it appears I'm not the only one with the Emmy blahs.

So, for those of you who were disappointed, I offer you the Emmy Awards you never saw. In no particular order:


BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH THAT WAS EATEN BY CLEAVAGE
S. Epatha Merkerson
The winner for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie (Lackawanna Blues) had to wing her acceptance speech after she dropped her cues within the confines of her decolletage. Search parties are currently being formed to find the missing notes, with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger being the first to volunteer.


BEST TRIBUTE TO A MAN I LIKED BY A MAN THAT I STILL DON'T LIKE
Dan Rather to Peter Jennings
Rather and Tom Brokaw came out for a group tribute to three former news anchors, two retired and one deceased. The late Mr. Jennings was especially saluted by the other two in a moving tribute. That said, I still can't stand Dan Rather. If he walked on water and cured terminal diseases I think I'd still hate him. And while I'm being a mean-spirited jackass, would somebody tell Brokaw to get a decent tailor? He had the worst fitting suit jacket I've seen since Peter Jackson's ill-fitting outfit at the Academy Awards last year.


BEST ACTOR THAT GOT AWAY
Tony Shalhoub
I once lamented the fact that NBC tanked a show called Stark Raving Mad after only one season. A show, I might add, that had the brilliant Mr. Shalhoub (now starring in Monk on the USA Network) playing the lead. I may one day find the irony in Shalhoub's thanking of Jeff Zucker in his acceptance speech tonight. That would be the same Jeff Zucker who has made NBC the television equivalent of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Hmmm. I suppose that was uncalled for. I formally apologize to Devil Ray fans everywhere.


BEST ROMANTIC ACCEPTANCE THAT REALLY STINKS
Felicity Huffman
In her acceptance speech this Desperate Housewife, who won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series, bragged to the world about her first kiss with hubby William H. Macy -- in a cow pasture, of all places. And they say bullshit doesn't work on women.


BEST WRITING OF AN EPISODE BY EVERYBODY ON THE FRICKIN' PLANET
Everybody Loves Raymond
It took about a dozen people to write an episode of Raymond that got its ass kicked by Mitch Hurwitz and Jim Vallely over at Arrested Development. Also worth mentioning, three of the five noms for comedy writing were for Arrested episodes. Did Arrested Development win best comedy? You'd think so, wouldn't you. But guess again.


BEST EMMY FOR NO APPARENT REASON
Anybody who wins for Best Director
A question: How exactly do they figure out the best director? Do the voters watch film of the directors in action? Is it the person who yells "CUT" the best? Is it the director that is hated least by the stars? The director that's tallest? The director with the cleanest chair? I just don't get it.


BEST DEFYING OF GRAVITY
Patricia Heaton
Hands down (or, in this case, teats up), Ms. Heaton had the best suspended rack in the room. Either she was wearing a strapless bra designed by engineers at NASA, or she's got season's tickets to the Corning plant. Real and spectacular or just really spectacular? Since I'll never get close enough to physically check 'em myself, we may never know.


BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA THAT'S REALLY A BLACK COMEDY
James Spader
Okay, sour grapes time. How coud they give this award to Spader over Hugh Laurie? Spader is totally one-dimensional. Every role he plays is Spader playing Christopher Walken Jr. Hell, he even presented an award tonight playing the same part. As for Boston Legal being a drama, it's got William Shatner making an ass of himself -- on purpose. That's comedy at its finest. Sheesh.


BEST COMEDY THAT ONLY WON BECAUSE NEXT YEAR IT WON'T BE ELIGIBLE
Everybody Loves Raymond
Thank God. Need I say more?

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.14

(DISCLAIMER: This ain't live. Hell, it ain't even Memorex. Frankly, I don't know what it is...)

GO, JACK, GO!!!

What? Oh, right.

Hi. Sorry about that. I was just watching Patriot Games, starring Harrison Ford, Samuel L. Jackson, James Earl Jones and Richard Harris. Hmm. Han Solo, Mace Windu, Darth Vader-vox and...

Albus Dumbledore?

Okay, everybody sing Sesame Street: "Three of these things belong together..."

Um, maybe not. Let's move on, shall we? Here's this week's celebrity Crapola. If it happens to smell really bad, you have my shallowest and least sincerest apologies. Just do what the smart folk do and stay upwind.

Drumroll-a-go-go:

BRAD PITT
Fans of the rumoured adulterist are all agog over reports that Pitt will lay it out for all to see in his next movie, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Pitt is not entirely a stranger to nude scenes, having previously bared his backside in Troy. But the word is that Pitt will show a different side when he takes on the role of the notorious outlaw. The reactions of fans are mixed. Some are in it for the obvious titillation of seeing a big star with his pants on the floor while others are just trying to see things from Angelina Jolie's point of view.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Speaking of the alleged home-wrecker, Angelina has been tabbed to become the new Face of St. John. Jolie will become a director of the fashion house and will be paid a cool $12 million to have her picture taken repeatedly. While this is an impressive amount of money, it still doesn't quite top the $13 million that Eddie Murphy has so far been paid to be the Ass of DreamWorks Studios.

RUSSELL CROWE
In a surprising statement, the Aussie thespian has stated a desire to leave Hollywood for good, should he be found guilty of assault charges stemming from an incident at a New York hotel earlier this year. A group of reporters tailing Crowe tried to get him to comment, and the normally surly actor briefly obliged their requests for comment by stating, "no comment." Not ones to give up, the press group forged on, at which point Crowe pulled out a cell phone and said, "this is loaded, please don't make me use it."

JODIE FOSTER
The original Clarice Starling -- the ONLY Clarice Starling -- has jumped back into the movie-making business with a bang, both in front of the camera and behind it. Foster is currently directing Flora Plum, a period piece set in the thirties. She is also starring in the new film Flightplan, about a woman whose daughter mysteriously vanishes during a flight. Originally, Foster was reluctant to make any movies set aboard a plane. But she relented when she was assured by producer Brian Grazer that none of the "in-flight" meals would include fava beans and a nice Chianti.

PIERCE BROSNAN
A man that is no stranger to the role of suave action hero, Brosnan was at the Film Festival in Toronto this week for the premiere of his new film, The Matador. During interviews, the topic of a role from his past came up. Said Brosnan, "they're going to make it, they're not going to make it. With me, without me. I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I even care anymore. But they know where to find me. Casting isn't easy. Not just anyone can play Remington Steele, you know."

KATE MOSS
The supermodel lashed out at the press amid reports (some with photos) that she was snorting cocaine at a recording studio where enigmatic rock star boyfriend Pete Doherty was tending to some work. Moss repeatedly told reporters to "f*ck off," which surprised some of them. Even her friends were surprised, including one anonymous pal who said "I haven't seen Kate this upset since Calvin Klein accused her of eating."

RENEE ZELLWEGER
The whitest woman in America has seen her union to country star Kenny Chesney come to an abrupt end after only four months of weddedness. People in Zellweger's camp say it was she who decided to end the marriage, but a friend of Chesney tells a different story. Says the pal, "everything was going great. They were both happy, and Renee -- well, damn she looked fine. Then almost overnight she puts on forty pounds and starts talkin' in some phony English accent. That's just weird, man."

Yep. Weird.

Stay tuned...

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBOURHOOD

The night was darker than usual, if that's even possible. The tension was thick and not a sound was made by anyone. All that was heard was a lonely clock, ticking its life away. Then...

A scream.

It pierced the silence like a scorching, hot knife through butter. It's not known for certain where it came from, but there was a light on, in a room far, far away.

Miles away.

Yet every living soul heard the scream... felt it. The scream came again, only this time louder. Then... silence. A long, painful and impossibly curious silence.

I waited. We waited. The world waited.

What could it be? Some sort of monster?

The suspense was terrifying. Who knew what would spring from that horrible scream. It couldn't possibly be human... could it?

Finally, another sound, similar to the scream, but different. It was a youthful sound. Youthful, but horrific. It was... is... the spawn of something hideous.

An omen, perhaps? No. It's much worse.

It's another Federline.

Stay tuned...

THE RETURN OF THE (BUTT)HOLE

"I'm a lawyer, you're a jerk. There's going to be some overlap."

-- Stacy Warner (very recently) to a certain Doctor in the House.

* * * * *

Yesterday was a monumental day... for me.

Was it my birthday? Nope, that was last week.

Wedding anniversary? Umm, uh-uh -- next month (NOTE TO SELF: remember anniversary, remember anniversary, remember anniversary).

Groundhog Day? It better not be, 'cause I can't find my snow shovel.

So just what the heck was it? Well, with all apologies to that Achy Breaky Prison thing, it was the official start of the new television season. My television season.

Last night saw the second season premiere of House M.D. For those who don't know what they're missing (shames on all of ya), the show is about a doctor (with a sandpaper personality, partially due to a medical problem of his own) and his diagnostic team as they try to solve a medical mystery every week, hopefully before the patient needs measuring for a pine box.

In the title role is the next Emmy Award winner for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series (sorry, Kiefer), Mr. Hugh Laurie. How is Hugh as House? Well, he's a bitter but brilliant medical man who is admired and somewhat despised by those around him. Uh, that would be House, not Hugh. Oh, and he's British playing an American, with a perfect accent. Uh, that would be Hugh, not House.

As well as Laurie, the show stars Omar Epps, Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer as House's extremely tolerant team, Robert Sean Leonard as a colleague (he's also probably House's only friend) and Lisa Edelstein as the Doctor slash hospital administrator who struggles to hang on to House's greased leash. Sela Ward (see the quote at the top) stars in a recurring role as a former flame of House's who is now doing legal work for the hospital.

Of course, it doesn't matter how many characters are added, regular or recurring. None of them are going to figure out what makes House tick. Which is the appeal of the character. House is an asshole of epic proportions, not that anyone is allowed to call him that. This is, after all, post-nipple network television, where you can't say "asshole" or show an asshole. It is, however, permissable to kiss the, uh, buttockular area surrounding the asshole of an asshole who thinks he knows what's good for the network that he's running into the ground.

Ahem. Sorry about that. I was having a brief Jeff Zucker moment.

Now back to the Hugh show. Last night's premiere saw House step up to save a Death Row inmate suffering from delusions and a heart scare. House's diagnosis is brilliant. His cure is intoxicating. Those who saw it know what I mean.

And those who didn't?

Shames on all of ya. But then I already said that.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's notable DVD releases, as selected by the me, AKA da guy who runs dis joint:

BEN-HUR (4-Disc Collector's Edition)
The mega-Oscar winner from 1959 gets the lush treatment it deserves, including a new transfer of the film and numerous featurettes, screentests and other assorted goodies. But the best bonus feature is the inclusion of the 1925 silent version of Ben-Hur, set to a score by composer Carl Davis.

THE BRADY BUNCH - Season 3
They're back! Here is yet another season set of the nauseatingly cute show created by Sherwood Schwartz. If it wasn't for Florence Henderson and her million dollar smile, I don't think I ever could have stomached this show. But whaddaya gonna do? The set includes all 23 epidodes on four discs. Keep the antacids handy.

CHEERS - Season 6
Another season of Cheers with Sam lusting after women, Carla talking rude and Woody playing dumb. Except Woody ain't playing. And the rest of the gang (Norm, Cliff, Frasier, etc) are there too. Oh, and there's plenty of Rebecca shooting down Sam long before there was just plenty of Kirstie Alley. Four discs, 25 episodes, beer not included.

EMPIRE FALLS
An all-star cast (Ed Harris, Paul Newman, Helen Hunt, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Wright Penn, and so on, and so on) star in this HBO-produced adaptation of the Pulitzer Prize winner by Richard Russo (who also wrote the teleplay) about life in run-down Empire Falls, Maine. The disc includes commentary by Russo and director Fred Schepisi as well as a making-of featurette.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND - Season 4
It took me forever to actually discover this show -- I didn't start watching until the last two or three seasons. Just another reason to love season box sets on DVD, I guess. This set includes all 24 episodes on five discs.

FEVER PITCH (2005)
What do you do when you write a movie about how the Boston Red Sox can't win the World Series, and while you're filming it, they do just that? You rewrite the ending, of course. This Farrelly brothers directed film contains scenes actually shot during the Red Sox' stunning curse-killing victory over the St. Louis Cardinals last fall. Jimmy Fallon I like. Drew Barrymore I really like. And baseball? It's almost a religion to me. I wonder if I'll buy this disc. Hmmm...

FRASIER - Season 6
Keeping up with its predecessor (see above, "beer not included") as it has since the season one release, this set contains 23 episodes on four discs. It's also worth mentioning that this is the last of three seasons that Dan Butler (Bulldog Briscoe) was credited as a regular cast member. He wouldn't make another appearance until season nine. Woof.

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
The late Douglas Adams' novel came to the big screen in this adaptation that made only a slight dent at the box office. Go figure. I guess the nerds and geeks spent all their movie cash on that George Lucas thingy. But I'm betting on some astronomical sales of this DVD release, since the N&G's have had some time to save some money. (Disclaimer: I'm one-sixteenth nerd and one-quarter geek. So there.)

LAS VEGAS - Season 2
A TV series set in seedy Las Vegas? [sarcasm] Geez, I can't imagine the writers coming up with more than a few interesting story lines [/sarcasm]. This "uncut & uncensored" set includes 24 episodes in anamorphic widescreen on three discs. For those viewers NOT suffering from a gambling addiction, season three premieres next week (Monday September 19, 9PM on NBC).

ONE TREE HILL - Season 2
This teen sudser gets its second box set release, with the premiere of season three just around the corner (Wednesday October 5, 8PM on the WB). This set includes six discs containing 22 episodes, all in anamorphic widescreen. Not that anyone cares, but I'm officially too old for this shit. But somebody's obviously watching it.

SMALLVILLE - Season 4
The fourth season of the show about the younger days of the Man of Steel gets its release a couple of weeks before the premiere of season five (Thursday September 29, 8PM on the WB). Speaking of Superman (in a totally non-DVD related way), Bryan Singer's revival wrapped principal shooting just last week. Superman Returns hits the big screen next June. YES!

TAXI - Season 3
This is the season that saw the last of Jeff Conaway as cabbie Bobby Wheeler (except for one episode in the fourth season). The set includes all 20 episodes on four discs.

And one more, that I almost forgot...

SCTV - Volume 4
As a good Canadian, it would have been somewhat sacrilegious of me to leave this one off the list. It's more Second City insanity from the likes of John Candy, Eugene Levy, Martin Short, Andrea Martin and Joe Flaherty. I don't recommend the drinking of beverages while watching this six disc set unless, of course, your nostrils need a good cleansing.

Okay, I'm really done now.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART VI

Here are the answers from Friday's movie quotes, along with commentary as only a crazy man could write it:

(1) "Kenny, don't paint your sister!"
MR. MOM (1983): Unemployed Dad Jack Butler (Michael Keaton) stays home with the rugrats while his wife Caroline (Teri Garr) heads off to work. This results in weight gain, poker playing, grocery shopping embarrassment and an episode of Extreme Makeover: Paintyer Sibling Edition.

(2) "I have to lie to women to get laid. And I don't score much. I've got a really small dick, it's pathetic."
TRUE LIES (1994): Wannabe secret agent Simon (Bill Paxton) tries to explain his struggling romantic batting average to a surly and jealous actual secret agent, played by that big dopey Austrian czar-like dude from Cal-ee-for-nya.

(3) "I didn't ask to be good at football. Gura Nanak must have blessed me."
BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (2002): Phenom Jess Bhamra (ER's Parminder Nagra) appeals to her strict parents for their permission for her to continue her blossoming English football career, with the hope that she can one day go to America -- where soccer is about as popular as skydiving without a parachute.

(4) "Take that thumbtack out of your chin."
LIFE AS A HOUSE (2001): An ailing George Monroe (Kevin Kline) lets son Goth Vader, um, I mean Sam (Hayden Christensen), know what he thinks of his son's choice of jewelery.

(5) "That's the trouble with the world these days. Nobody takes the time to do a real sinister interrogation."
GOLDENEYE (1995): James Bond (Pierce Brosnan, in his debut in the tux), ponders his latest imprisonment while (not so) subtly critiquing his Russian captor's methods. Twenty movies (21, if you count Never Say Never Again) and not a single villain ever thought to cut off Bond's tongue.

(6) "I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax."
THE LAST STARFIGHTER (1984): Reluctant galactic hero/trailer park refugee Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) gets in a little bitching before his reptile partner Grig (Daniel O'Herlihy) leads him to almost certain death. I guess you just can't please some people.

(7) "After very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks."
WARGAMES (1983): General Jack Beringer (Barry Corbin) tells Dr. John McKittrick (Dabney Coleman) what he really thinks: that computers are only good for doing one's taxes, playing solitaire and starting unnecessary global thermonuclear wars.

(8) "I thought that I was headed to a place that would turn out tomorrow's leaders, not their wives."
MONA LISA SMILE (2003): Budding feminist Katherine Watson (Julia Roberts), while teaching at a private school for young women, discovers that the bigger the paradigm is, the harder it is to shift it. Or something.

(9) "Gentlemen, trials are too important to be left up to juries."
RUNAWAY JURY (2003): Master jury manipulator Rankin Fitch (Gene Hackman), more or less apologizing for his absence, explains exactly what went wrong with the recent Michael Jackson child molestation trial. Sorta. Well, not really. Just go rent the movie, okay?

(10) "I just want to apologize, sincerely, for... what... well, when I dangled you out the window."
A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988): Kevin Kline's evil Otto (no relation to the bouncing face in the classic video game Berzerk) says "I'm sort of sorry" to barrister Archie Leach (John Cleese), mostly because his partner in crime slash object of desire slash "sister" Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) told him to.

(11) "Man walk on road, hmm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished just like grape."
THE KARATE KID (1984): Another lesson of life via karate from Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) to student Daniel Laruso (Ralph Macchio). Loosely translated: use karate wisely or you'll end up as vegetarian roadkill.

(12) "They don't look like Presbyterians to me."
THE MUPPET MOVIE (1979): The "story" of how the Muppets got famous, this line is spoken by Fozzie Bear when he and Kermit the Frog first encounter The Electric Mayhem (with Animal on drums) -- in a church, of all places. All that's missing is the Reverend Jim Henson.

(13) "Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone."
MIDNIGHT RUN (1988): The words of mobster Jimmy Serrano (Dennis Farina), lamenting the fact that good help (read: hit men) just ain't what it used to be.

(14) "You'd better think of something to name him 'cause when I come home and he's destroyed my house, I want to know what to call him."
BEETHOVEN (1992): George Newton (Charles Grodin) explains to his children the added value of actually naming a St. Bernard puppy prior to the animal committing acts of unspeakable domestic horror.

(15) "Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P."
GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM (1987): Robin Williams as Armed Forces, uh, DJ Adrian Cronauer, doing his best to make everyone in Vietnam dizzy by spinning consonants in circles like giant hula hoops.

I think that's all of 'em. The next batch of (apparently not so) devilishly difficult movie quotes will be prepped and ready on September 23.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.13

(DISCLAIMER: If I were you, I'd believe the rumours and gossip. It's far more reliable than this crap.)

Thirteen?

Wow.

Welcome to volume 1, episode 13 of Sunday Crapola, the weekly blogmagazine where the celebs make the news and I turn it into something out of The Fly. You know, all mixed up and distorted, like. Read it if you must, just don't hold me accountable if there are any side effects.

The snare rolls, and away we go:

BRITNEY SPEARS
The on-hiatus because she's pregnant pop star made the headlines recently by storming onto the set of Zoey 101 (little sister Jamie Lynn Spears' TV show) and tearing into one of her sister's co-stars. Apparently Jamie Lynn and co-star Alexa Nikolas have not been getting along, causing Britney to spill her hormones all over the place in her sister's defense. One entertainment reporter thought it might be due to post-partum depression, until it was pointed out to the doofus wag that Britney is still carrying. A Los Angeles psychologist claims to have the answer, though, saying that Spears' ungluing is more likely due to post-federline depression.

KATIE HOLMES
The fiancée of Scientology salesman extraordinaire Tom Cruise has apparently decided to take the current last name of the former Tommy Mapother. Once the ring is on her finger she will be known as Kate Cruise, which pleases members of both the Holmes and Cruise families. But a small group of Scientologists are less than impressed. Claiming that Ms. Holmes is merely cruising on the coat tails of a more famous member of the alien-loving religion, the group has decided, somewhat sarcastically, that the new Mrs. Cruise shall, from her wedding day forward, be known as K.T. the Extra-terrestrial.

JENNIFER LOPEZ
Jenny from the block took some interesting heat recently when she attended the premiere of her new film, An Unfinished Life. The singer slash actress was besieged by protesters from two different groups as she attempted to enter the theatre. At first, she was accosted by a group from People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals who demanded that the diva lose her habit of wearing fur. But the PETA people were blown off the street by an even angrier mob, as a group representing the Tone Deaf Citizens of America screamed painful to listen to obscenities at Lopez, claiming her off-key warbling on her songs hurt even their ears.

TARA REID
The host of the aptly named TV show Wild On Tara received a jolt this week when a bag containing almost $200,000 of her favourite jewelery was stolen by brazen thieves at a Spanish airport. The notorious party girl was in hysterical tears over the loss, since the contents of the bag were of great sentimental value to her. But Tara's mood brightened considerably when a concerned airport employee bought her a shot and a beer.

MICHAEL JACKSON
The self-proclaimed King of Pop is no stranger to recording, either sentimentally or directly, for a cause. His resume includes message songs such as "Heal the World" and "Man in the Mirror" and in 1985 he co-wrote the famine-relief anthem "We Are the World" with Lionel Richie. Now, fresh from a controversial triumph in the California courts and hoping to capture some reputation-rebuilding momentum, he has decided to record a hurricane-relief song titled "From the Bottom of My Heart" as well as a song to benefit the American Skidmark Prevention League, to be called "The Stain within My Pants."

Ahem. Just puttin' the poop in Poop'D Culture.

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART VI

Movie quote time again, as promised.

To the bold, name the film and, if possible, the actor and/or character that spoke the line. To the beautiful, you just keep doing whatever the hell it is that you do. Either way, good luck! Here goes:

(1) "Kenny, don't paint your sister!"

(2) "I have to lie to women to get laid. And I don't score much. I've got a really small dick, it's pathetic."

(3) "I didn't ask to be good at football. Gura Nanak must have blessed me."

(4) "Take that thumbtack out of your chin."

(5) "That's the trouble with the world these days. Nobody takes the time to do a real sinister interrogation."

(6) "I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax."

(7) "After very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks."

(8) "I thought that I was headed to a place that would turn out tomorrow's leaders, not their wives."

(9) "Gentlemen, trials are too important to be left up to juries."

(10) "I just want to apologize, sincerely, for... what... well, when I dangled you out the window."

(11) "Man walk on road, hmm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished just like grape."

(12) "They don't look like Presbyterians to me."

(13) "Is this moron number one? Put moron number two on the phone."

(14) "You'd better think of something to name him 'cause when I come home and he's destroyed my house, I want to know what to call him."

(15) "Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P."

The comments section is now open.

Stay tuned...

THE MATE WAS A MIGHTY SAILING MAN...

Anyone who has read much of my writing knows what I think of reality TV -- I'd rather spend a week inside an elephant's anal glands than watch one hour of, oh I don't know, Fear Factor. Actually, that would make for a good Fear Factor stunt...

Ahem.

I was especially offended by TBS' lame attempt to update one of my all-time favourite shows: Gilligan's Island.

Yes, though I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, I've got a thing for the show about seven hapless castaways. Actually, scratch that. I've got a thing for the show about six hapless castaways and one unbelievably annoying screwup who took hapless to a whole new level.

Need evidence of my addiction? The DVDs of the entire series sit on a shelf about four feet away from where I'm writing this. The discs are expensive, but they cost less than therapy.

When he created the show, I doubt even Sherwood Schwarz had any idea of the impact it would have on pop culture. Yes, it was stupid, but in a smart way. Yes, the characters were cartoonish, especially the one unbelievably annoying screwup who took hapless to a whole new level. But it was funny. Oh, was it funny. And, despite what some critics might think, it was actually well written.

But as clever (and original) as most of the writing was, a lot of the show's success can be attributed to the comedic acting talents of the man behind the one unbelievably annoying screwup who took hapless to a whole new level. Sadly, actor Bob Denver, AKA Gilligan, passed away this past Friday after complications from heart surgery and cancer.

Denver is the fourth of the seven to be rescued from this island Earth, the other three being Alan Hale (the Skipper), Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) and Natalie Schafer (Lovey Howell). Denver's passing is surprising, and yet it isn't. For a man who played such a youthful character, he did not age very well. When the 1978 reunion movie that rescued the castaways was made, Denver looked at least twice the age of the young, bumbling fool from only 12 years previous.

In recent years, Denver has looked frail and haggard. He was only 70 when he left us, but he didn't look a day over 85. Whether this was due to metabolism or other factors I don't know. I guess it was just his time.

But none of that really matters now that he's gone. Wherever he is, Bob Denver can be content with the knowledge that he is firmly cemented in the annals of pop culture, thanks to the antics of one unbelievably annoying screwup who took hapless to a whole new level. And everybody loves him for it.

Have a good trip, Bob. See ya on the tube real soon, Gilligan.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's notable DVD releases, as selected by the good folks at DVD Canada, better known as, um, me:

BUFFALO BILL - Seasons 1 & 2
Dabney Coleman plays egotistical Buffalo talk show host Bill Bittinger in this terrific series from the early eighties. It also starred a young Geena Davis as well as future sitcom regulars Charles Robinson (Night Court), Meshach Taylor (Designing Women, Dave's World) and Max Wright (Alf). This set is listed as seasons 1 & 2, which is curious, since there was no season 3. Why they didn't just call it the "complete series" is anybody's guess. In any case, the set includes (all) 26 episodes on three discs.

THE CHASE
"If a thought ever entered that empty head of hers, it would die of loneliness." This is what Charlie Sheen supposedly said of co-star Kristy Swanson after the release of this film in 1994. I can't speak for Ms. Swanson's intellect, but neither she nor Sheen should count this flick among their brainier moves. Lacking anything resembling a script, kidnapper Sheen and abductee Swanson more or less get it on in the front of a speeding car for about half the movie. Talk about yer Stockholm Syndrome. Charlie's not a youngster anymore, but back then he apparently had the stamina of at least two and a half men.

CRASH
Not to be confused with the David Cronenberg fetishfest from 1996, this Crash stars Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle and Matt Dillon in a film about a group of Los Angeles citizens who are brought together by the unfortunate circumstance of a car acccident. I haven't seen this one myself yet, but I've read nothing but good reviews. It was written and directed by Paul Haggis, who wrote the screenplay for the multiple Academy Award winning Million Dollar Baby and was recently tabbed to rewrite the screenplay for next year's Casino Royale, non-starring Pierce Brosnan.

THE DEER HUNTER (Special Edition)
Directed by Michael Cimino (whose next film turned out to be super-bomb Heaven's Gate), this winner of five Oscars (including best picture and best director) is the heart-wrenching tale of three best friends (played by Robert DeNiro, Christopher Walken and John Savage) who go off to fight in Vietnam, and the impact it has on them and the town they left behind. Harrowing stuff, indeed. This 2-disc special edition replaces two lesser DVDs, released in 1998 and 2002.

DOCTOR WHO: THE MIND ROBBER
A notable release, if only because it stars the second Doctor, the late Patrick Troughton. Only six out of 21 of Troughton's serialized stories are still in the archives, the others either partially or completely missing thanks to the BBC's extremely misguided policy of purging their archives during the sixties. This is the third of those six to be released on DVD in North America. One other bit of news for Whovians, fourth doctor Tom Baker's HORROR OF FANG ROCK also gets a release today.

DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D. - Season 2
Under "where are they now" the name Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie) is listed. Under "are they even still alive" you'll find Max Casella (Vinnie) and Lisa Dean Ryan (Wanda). Well, wherever they are, nobody could resist this charming series about a young brainiac who gets his license to practise medicine before he's old enough to drive. That is, nobody could resist it until Doogie got older and, um, less cuter? I don't know. But who cares, that didn't happen until after the fourth season. This set includes 25 episodes on four discs.

LOST - Season 1
What's in the hatch? Are there other survivors? What's up with Danielle? Will Locke and Jack kill each other? Will Gilligan keep screwing up? Whoops, scratch that last one. Here it is, season one of Lost on DVD in all its twisted and mysterious glory, just two weeks before season two begins, no doubt leading to a whole new batch of ulcer-inducing questions. The set includes 24 episodes on seven discs. Guaranteed (I hope) to never be shown during any flight.

MacGYVER - Season 3
See MacGyver save the world using three rubber bands, a two-by-four, a roll of duct tape and a paper clip. Okay, so I exaggerate -- slightly. This set on five discs includes all 20 third season episodes. By the way, would somebody please let Patty and Selma Bouvier know about this set? I wouldn't want them to miss out.

MILLENNIUM - Season 3
The final season of Chris Carter's series about an ex-FBI profiler who joins a mysterious organization committed to fighting an ever growing increase in crime as the turn of the century approaches. A pretty good series that gets bumped up another notch due to the presence of Lance Henriksen (Aliens) in the lead role. The set includes 23 episodes on six discs.

THE STING (Special Edition)
Another Academy Award winner for best picture (in 1973, along with best director for George Roy Hill), this film reunited Butch and Sundance and their director (AKA Paul Newman and Robert Redford and the aforementioned Mr. Hill). Redford and Newman play grifters who team up to con a bigger fish, played by the late Robert Shaw. A classic in many ways, it also includes a terrific ragtime score by legendary jazz pianist and composer Scott Joplin. Also worth mentioning, a sequel starring Jackie Gleason hit the screens in 1983 to, shall we say, a less than enthusiastic response.

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (Special Edition)
This classic film about a lawyer in a racially segregated town who defends a black man who is wrongly accused of raping a white woman won three Academy Awards, including Gregory Peck as best actor. This much improved two-disc special edition replaces the DVD originally released in 2002.

TOY STORY (10th Anniversary Edition)
I could never understand the Disney policy of putting titles under a moratorium -- in other words, taking them off the shelves for long periods so they can re-release them later. It was okay when they did this with theatrical releases when that was all there was. But doing it now just encourages piracy. But what the hell do I know? In any case, this two-disc anniversary edition replaces the single disc original released in 2003 and yanked off the shelves not much later. A similar release of Toy Story 2 arrives on December 26 with a Pixar-less and possibly Tom Hanks-less Toy Story 3 scheduled to arrive in theatres in 2007. Or 2008. Or maybe never.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.12

(DISCLAIMER: (cue cartoon music) I Lie, I Lie -- I Lie, I Lie, I Lie -- Lie-Lie-Lie, Lie-Lie-Lie -- The Itchy and Scratchy Shooooooooow! Wait, that's not right...)

Britney. Christina. Lindsay.

Sheesh.

I've grown a little tired of the young whippersnappers who make such easy targets, so I've decided to do something a little different this week. To that end, I thought I'd give the freshly waxed and watered floor to a bunch of old ladies. Just don't blame me, okay? The Devil made me do it.

Roll the snare, maestro:

MARTHA STEWART
She claims she didn't do the crime, but she couldn't stop herself from doing the time. Now NBC's newest Apprentice mentor has finally gained her freedom after being allowed to remove the court mandated electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. Stewart was supposed to return the bracelet to authorities, but somehow managed to convince them to let her keep it. Sources say she wants it as a reminder of the harshness of her confinement, but a friend who wants to remain anonymous said "no, that's not it. Martha's going to turn it into a centerpiece."

LYNDA CARTER
The seventies superbabe, who made an acting comeback recently that included a role in The Dukes of Hazzard, has let it be known to the world that she is a recovering alcoholic. She has also stated for the record that she is currently living clean and her feet are firmly planted on the ground. Says Lynda, "I kept thinking I could control it and handle it, but alcoholism is a disease. I'm just glad that the police never pulled me over while I was flying Wonder Woman's invisible jet. That would have been embarrassing."

YOKO ONO
The somewhat enigmatic widow of John Lennon had a tough time dealing with a drunk New Yorker recently. Ono was out at a restaurant with a representative of EMI Records when she was approached by a loud-mouthed man in who smelled like he'd gone swimming behind the bar. The man pestered Ono relentlessly. Ono, for her part, kept her composure until she couldn't take it any more. After about ten minutes of slurred cursing and accusations by the drunk, Ono stood up and yelled "it was the Beatles, you idiot. I never broke up the f*cking Bee Gees."

JANE FONDA
Once a magnet for controversy, the actress disappeared for pretty much all of the nineties. But the ex-wife of media king Ted Turner has reappeared to movie fans, showing up recently alongside Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan in Monster-In-Law. When Fonda was asked by a reporter whether she might be putting too much pressure on herself to succeed again as an actor, the former Barbarella sexpot merely shrugged and said, "I'm used to sitting on a big gun."

One more. I might catch some hell for this one:

BARBARA BUSH
The ex-First Lady was seen in the lobby of a Texas hotel recently having an extremely animated conversation with someone on a cell phone. Witnesses weren't able to penetrate the army of Secret Service agents to get close enough to hear, but an unnamed employee of the Bushes was able to clear up the mystery. Said the anonymous servant, "Mrs. B was talking to her son, you know, the one that lives in that big white house? She was telling him to stop complaining about some woman named Cindy, and that he should get his backside down south to help mop up somebody's big and easy mess. Whatever that means."

Stay tuned...

FIGHTIN' WORDS

They finally found me.

I'm not talking about celebrity lawyers. Or is that celebrity's lawyers? Hell, it doesn't matter which. I've got nothin' for them to take.

And I don't mean the Feds, either. They're so dense I could walk around town dressed like Osama Whereya Bin Lately and they'd never notice.

No, I'm talking about comment spammers, AKA scumbags of the blogosphere. Actually, I don't think "scumbags" is a strong enough description. Sons-o-bitches? Ash-holes? Fothermuckers?

Hmmm. I'll keep working on it. In the meantime, I'll just send my thanks over to the Google folks who run this Blogger thingy that I've gone and Poop'D all over. It seems the Googlers are finally catching their software up to everyone else. The latest addition to Blogger is a word verification system aimed at putting the comment spam back in the can where it belongs.

It sorta looks like this:


Don't you just wish every spamming bastard would get the message?

Stay tuned...