SHORT EVIL POST

BOO!!!

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.20

(DISCLAIMER: The following are all true stories. Except the truth has been changed to protect mock the (not-so) innocent.)

Wow, what a night. I slept so well last night it's almost like I gained an hour. YAWN...

Anyway, welcome to another edition of Sunday Crapola, where I take celebrities into a dark room and whip them 'til they talk. Or not. Paris would probably go for that, though.

Anyhoo, enough of my vodka and coffee induced fantasies. A volley of snare drums and away we go:

GEORGE TAKEI
It's a surprise to some, but Star Trek's Mr. Sulu has come out of the closet, declaring himself a real man's helmsman. Trek fans seem split fifty-fifty on this. Some say they thought Takei was gay all along, while others are simply shocked at the news. But the bigger bomb for Trek fans came the next day, when Walter Koenig called a press conference to tearfully admit that Chekov wasn't Russian, but was actually born Swedish.

JANET JACKSON
It's been a tough week for Janet One-Tit. First, her former brother-in-law claimed that she had a secret daughter that had been raised by Jackson's sister, Debbie. Then Jackson got some double-barrelled bad news when she was told that video of her sunbathing topless was getting around the internet faster than Paris Hilton at a rave. Jackson, sensing she could only win one battle, poured cold water on the sunbathing story by claiming the bare-chested woman in the video was actually her formerly secret 18 year-old daughter, Renee.

MARION BARRY
The former mayor of Washington, D.C. is no stranger to controversy, and has found himself in trouble with the law once again, this time facing tax fraud charges brought forth by the Internal Revenue Service. Barry, who once did time on drug charges, is defending his current situation by claiming he shouldn't be held liable since he was stoned when he tried to fill out his forms. This led him to question the forms' accuracy and he didn't file them because, in his chemically enhanced condition, he was afraid the forms actually made sense.

KATE MOSS
The troubled supermodel, who was captured on film awhile back snorting cocaine at a recording studio, checked out of an Arizona rehab clinic to a rapturous welcome from friends. Moss, who will be staying with some of these friends for the next few weeks, was thrown a "coming out" party. According to one unnamed friend, "Kate was the girl of the moment. We showered her with gifts and she was given a dessert, which she designed, which was a wonderful low fat vanilla cake loaded with low fat whipped cream and a low fat powdered white icing that made everyone absolutely giddy."

PARIS HILTON
The socialite has seemingly changed her story regarding actor Tom Sizemore's contention that the two had sex when she was 19 years-old. Sizemore makes the claim in his new video, The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal. Said Paris this week, "He is not a friend or an acquaintance. Yes, we met. So what? I meet a lot of people every day. But nothing happened between us. I did not have sex with that man, Mr. Sizemore. (Pause) At least, I don't think it was him..."

DONALD TRUMP
The Donald and his hair were on the defensive last week after author Timothy O'Brien, who is penning an unauthorized biography, made the claim that Trump had bedded Robin Givens, AKA the first former Mrs. Mike Tyson. Trump was talking to some press about The Apprentice when the subject of Givens came up. "It's not true. I've never even met Robin Givens, and everyone who knows me knows I haven't slept with any women I haven't met," said Trump.

BRITNEY SPEARS
The gal who lost the title of Lip-Synch Queen to the ill-fated Ashlee Simpson has made the tabs again when she reportedly criticized hubby Kevin Federline's singing after her man had his first turn in a recording studio. A witness to it claims Britney was unimpressed by Kevin's work, after which "Kevin looked really hurt." But Federline, to his credit, is not giving up. His first album, My Wife is the Pot, and I am the Kettle will be released next year.

Stay tuned...

HEY, I REMEMBER HIM...

Where did I put that thing?

I thought I saw it here somewhere. No, it's not over there. I looked under the rug, but that lump was just last week's housecleaning. What? The basement? No way, man. I couldn't have put it down there. Why? It's a messy and/or scary place. I DON'T DO THE BASEMENT.

Let's see, where could it be. Huh? Check under the desk? What -- oh, there it is. Let me see if I can get this thing back in place, if only for one day.

Anyone got any glue?

Wait, I have some down here. Hold on... Put some glue on the back -- and stick it -- on -- right -- down -- there.

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There. Now, a question:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Specifically, you parents. More specifically, you stupid parents. You don't know who you are (unfortunately), but let me tell you, I've been down this road before. Only this time, I have a few more things to say. Such as...

ONE: Buckle up your damn kids. That's the "road before" part.

TWO: When you're picking up your kids from school, don't park your car where it says "Drive Thru Only." You're blocking in other people. Show some consideration, unless you're blocking in someone who's driving a big ol' beater. I figure they've got nothing to lose by movin' you on outta there.

THREE: Don't back your car up when you miss the school driveway. You have to be pretty stupid to think there aren't other cars right behind you. These people have horns and middle fingers, and they ain't afraid to use 'em.

FOUR: If your kids walk home from school, teach 'em to walk on the sidewalk. You know, as opposed to the middle of the road. Your kids may be pinheads, but my car ain't no bowling ball. If I'm driving down the middle of the lane, there better be a split in front of me, with kidpins on either side.

FIVE: As stupid as you seem to be, some of you are also really ugly. Sorry to be the one to tell you.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are today's notable DVD releases, as selected by me, myself and us:

ALIAS - Season 4

Why is the DVD release of the fourth season of Alias notable? Because this year's current season (AKA season five) has a pregnant action star whose off-season action is preventing her from getting any action. That might be why the new season is being watched by about twelve people. I'm guessin' there ain't gonna be a season six. Six discs, 22 episodes, enjoy 'em while they last.


BEWITCHED (2005)

What a great idea! Take the classic sitcom, give it a little contemporary twist, hire a couple of big stars, and then produce a film that gets absolutely ravaged by the big screen critics. The small screen critics may be more forgiving, but only time and dollars will tell. Also worth noting the second season of the sitcom is out today, in both black & white and bastardized, um, I mean colourized editions.


A BRIDGE TOO FAR (Collector's Edition)

Richard Attenborough (the old scientist fart in Jurassic Park to those under 20) directed this war flick about the Allies' Operation Market Garden, an ill-fated attempt to sneak in behind enemy lines in Germany during World War II. A stellar cast is along for the ride, such as it is, including James Caan, Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Ryan O'Neal, Robert Redford and Laurence Olivier. This special edition replaces the original disc, released way back in 2001.


DOMINION: PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST

Once upon a time a studio wanted to make a prequel to The Exorcist. Except that it ended up being twice upon a time. When director Paul Schrader turned in his completed movie to Morgan Creek Productions they said "um, no." Then they reopened the vault and hired noted crapmeister Renny Harlin to remake the film, which got the okay and was released as Exorcist: The Beginning. Sensing a chance to make some money off their initial investment, Schrader's version gets its release today. Why Morgan Creek and Schrader couldn't just talk things out over a nice, hot bowl of pea soup is anyone's guess.


GALLAGHER: THE SMASHING WATERMELON COLLECTION

I don't think I've been more excited about a DVD release as much as this one. Eleven (!) of Gallagher's smashingest stand-up shows in one totally soggified front row set. The shows I love. The cheesy, watermelon-shaped ultrathin cardboard packaging I love not so much.



HERBIE: FULLY LOADED

Lindsay Lohan learned so much from making this auto racing movie starring lovable VW bug Herbie that she's wrecked her own car twice since the film was completed. Which makes me wonder just who was fully loaded, the car or the driver. In any case, the kiddies will love this flick. Mine did.


HOUSE OF WAX (2005)

Actress Paris Hilton -- go ahead, say it. Kind of oxymoronic, huh? Like military intelligence or fresh sour cream. That said, I can't think of an (SPOILER) on-screen death that wasn't greeted with more enthusiasm than Hilton's in this remake of the 1953 classic. Now you can watch America's biggest party trollop bite it again, and again, and again. You can even freeze frame it if you get bored. Go ahead, knock yourselves out.


THE MUNSTERS - Season 2

If you bought season one, and you buy season two, then you've got the whole damn thing. That's right -- the happenings of lovable freak Herman and his family only ran for two seasons. The show made 71 episodes during its two years, a production rate that would never happen nowadays. This second season set contains 32 episodes on three discs.


POINT PLEASANT - Complete Series

DVD is where dead, short-lived TV series go to pray for a rebirth. It rarely works, unless the star of the show is a real family guy. This show had a good start, but then for some strange reason it scared its viewers away. In this era of quick-triggered network executives, it probably deserved better. This set contains all 13 episodes on three discs.


TITANIC (3-Disc Collector's Edition)

It could be the ridiculous "I'm the king of the world" line, or maybe it's the overly schmaltzy Celine Dion theme song, but this film didn't do it for me. I couldn't get through it all, although the special effects made me want to try. In any case, this new edition is light years above the original 1999 DVD release, including a much better video transfer (anamorphic and at a higher bit rate). Naturally it comes with a gazillion extras (the original disc didn't even have a trailer). But I'll be a gentlemen and stop now. I wouldn't want to spoil the ending.


THE WIZARD OF OZ (2-Disc Special Edition)

This 2-disc set is the third DVD release of the 1939 classic based on the works of L. Frank Baum. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've seen this movie about a hundred times (I'm not exaggerating). The fourth DVD release is also out today, a 3-disc set that also contains the 1925 silent version, which is anywhere from slightly less classic to downright horrible depending on the critic, as well as a few other earlier filmed Oz stories. At an extra $20, I think I'll stick with the 2-disc edition.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.19

(DISCLAIMER: Suspension of disbelief? Not today, I think.)

It's Sunday -- time to spread around a little Crapola. Today I have some stars, a star who's used to seeing stars, a star who's been to the stars (sorta) and one star who wants to get there via Ohio. Plus a couple of starlets, just for the hell of it.

Snare it. Read on:

WILLIAM SHATNER
The Emmy Award winning actor was taken from the set of Boston Legal to hospital last week after coming down with some severe lower back pain. Fans of the sci-fi icon were concerned until Shatner issued a statement, saying "don't worry, the back pain I am feeling is something I have dealt with my entire career. In fact, I often use it to my advantage. It's how I make Denny Crane be such a crackpot and also how I managed to make Captain Kirk speak in the stilted manner that became so popular. You didn't honestly think it's because I'm a good actor, did you?"

PARIS HILTON
The celebutante queen is refuting actor Tom Sizemore's claims that they had sex when she was 19 years-old. The oft-troubled Sizemore makes the claim in an interview on his new celebrity porn tape, The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal. Hilton, however, is staying true to herself. Says Paris, "It's disappointing that Mr. Sizemore has to use my name to sell his DVDs. I mean, eww, ICK! I've been with more guys than I can keep count, but even I wouldn't stoop that low."

TOM CRUISE
Him, again. It's being reported that Oprah's favourite furniture molester is planning to buy a home in the Toledo, Ohio area, where fiancee Katie Holmes hails from. The folks in Toledo are torn up over this. Those blinded by the pomp of celebrities are thrilled at the possibility. There are others, though, that say if they're going to have a space cadet living in Toledo, they'd rather it be Neil Armstrong.

BRITNEY SPEARS
The pop singer made her first public appearance since giving birth to son Sean last month when she and hubby Kevin Federline had dinner at a Malibu restaurant. Fellow diners seemed impressed by how fit and slim Spears looked, although one smartass was heard to quip, "she'd look even better if she could get rid of the other dead weight she walked in with."

SYLVESTER STALLONE
The man who will always be The Italian Stallion seems to be taking those words literally, as he prepares to make a sixth Rocky movie at the age of 59. Stallone is taking the film's casting seriously, too. He's trying to recruit former boxing champ Roy Jones Jr. to play champion Mason "The Line" Dixon in the movie, which starts shooting in December. The title will not adhere to the usual Roman numeral sequencing that the others have followed, though. Instead of Rocky VI, the flick will be called Rocky Balboa. When asked to explain the change, Stallone said, "Rocky was close to brain dead in the last one. I don't think he has what it takes to count to six."

VINNIFER?
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are apparently more than friends, if recent published photos of the two kissing and canoodling can be taken seriously. Or are they? Reps for both actors aren't saying anything one way or the other. But an eyewitness to their activities in Chicago seems to have it all figured out. Says John (not his real name), "they aren't together, they met by pure chance. Then, as they were talking, Jennifer tripped and fell, and Vince caught her with his mouth. Totally innocent, I swear."

Yeah. Sure.

Stay tuned...

LICENCE TO RANT

If it ain't broke, fix it anyway.

This is the new mantra of the gruesome twosome that make James Bond movies. Barbara Broccoli and half-brother Michael Wilson are blowing things up and starting over. 'Cause this is what you do after a franchise produces a film with it's highest box office numbers ever.

We, as fans, should have seen this coming. During the filming of Die Another Day, it was announced that Pierce Brosnan would be making one final appearance as 007. Then, as time went by, things changed. Pierce was let go. Why? At the time, who knew. Salary was the most obvious speculated reason. After making a reported $16 million for Die Another Day, Brosnan was rumoured to be courting a bigger pay. He denied it, claiming he was as puzzled as everyone else.

But now we know the real reason.

Broccoli/Wilson wanted Bond to go back to his roots. The rights had been acquired to film the original Bond story, Casino Royale, which had been published in 1953. When the movie rights to the Bond novels were sold to Harry Saltzman in the early sixties, Casino Royale was not among them, having been sold previously to someone else.

Dr. No became the first Bond novel to be filmed and was released in 1962. As time went by, films based on the books gave way to films based on the titles. Moonraker, for example, bears little resemblance to the film.

In 1989, Licence to Kill became the first Bond movie not to be based on an Ian Fleming title. By this point, the style of the movies had changed dramatically from the first Bond films. The first three films (Dr. No was followed by From Russia with Love in 1963, and Goldfinger in 1964) were more character driven. In 1965, Thunderball was released, and Bond's reliance on gadgets and souped up cars became more pronounced. These gimmicks would continue to grow, with each filming seemingly trying to outdo it's immediate predecessor.

In a way, I can see why Broccoli/Wilson wanted to change things. Even Pierce Brosnan himself had gone on record as growing tired of the silliness that permeated the Bond films. It's both disappointing and ironic that he will never get the chance to play the Bond he really wanted to play.

Instead, Daniel Craig will get to play James Bond -- unplugged.

I knew the changes were coming, but they didn't really sink in until it was officially announced that Brosnan as Bond was no more. And Broccoli/Wilson couldn't have picked a more different looking actor to put on the tux.

Craig has a rough look about him, unlike many of the other far too good looking rumoured new Bonds (Eric Bana, Hugh Jackman, Henry Cavill, Ewan McGregor, Dougray Scott, etc, etc). And then there's that hair of his. James Blond, indeed.

But still, I have to wonder: why is it all happening?

Why did Broccoli/Wilson feel the need to blow up such a successful franchise? Yes, the Bond films have almost become parodies of themselves, with totally unbelievable technology and unbelievable women. Not to mention the not so occasional unbelievable villain. The fromage had definitely taken over.

But fans obviously didn't care about the cheese. Judging by the harsh (some would say angry) reaction to Brosnan's replacement, the status quo is what was desired.

But, to quote yet another cliche, you can't win 'em all. Casino Royale is going to get made, and it's going to be different. Very different. No gadgets, a wet behind the ears 007, and a torture scene (straight from the book) that's going to probably make a PG-13 rating unattainable.

Why stop there, I say. Why not make a few more radical changes.

We could make Bond gay. This will please certain special interest groups while also allowing Rupert Everett to attain his life long dream of being a Bond girl. And while we're on the subject of sexuality, let's write in a shocking S&M scene, just so someone can rattle off a witticism about the perils of Bondage.

Hmm. On second thought, maybe not. Maybe we'll just go with the new basic Bond after all.

Good luck, Daniel Craig. Don't let us down.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's more notable DVD releases:

ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (1952) - Season 1
The costume is made of (I have no idea) and the special effects are practically non-existent. Still, it's hard for any fan of Superman not to have a soft spot for this classic series, made as it was in the infancy of television. Twenty-six episodes, five discs and hardly any Kryptonite.

BATMAN (1989) (Special Edition)
Before Batman Began he was just Batman. Then he returned. Then an idiot director got a hold of him and ruined everything. Damn you, Joel Schumacher. Still, the two Schumacher films (Batman Forever and Batman & Robin) can't take the shine off of Tim Burton's masterpiece. Okay, so not everybody liked it. But I thought it kicked ass. Still do. This special edition gives it a nice new transfer and lots of toys. Special editions are also out today for Batman Returns, Batman Dumb and Batman Dumber. For those with no shame (and no credit limit), a box set of all four is also available.

BATMAN BEGINS
I still haven't seen this one, but you can bet your retirement savings that I'll be snagging a copy. It's got a great cast with Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine and Katie the Wonderwomb. From what I've seen, it looks cool, although I'm kind of mixed about the Batmobile. In this film, it looks like a tank that ate Gotham City while taking steroids. Available in separate anamorphic widescreen and non-anamorphic non-wide fullscreen editions.

CSI: NY - Season 1
I see dead people. Far too many, if you ask me. CBS, realizing you can't have too much of a good thing unless a breathalyzer's involved, probably should have called this series NYCSI, but then people would probably have got it confused with NCIS. They should really stop hitting people over the heads with the acronyms and just call each series DEATH. You know, Death Goes to Vegas, Death Gets a Tan and Death in the Navy. The newest one could be called Death Guests on Letterman. This set has seven discs with 24 episodes, and probably slightly less sarcasm.

THE JAZZ SINGER (25th Anniversary Edition)
Starring Neil Diamond and a way past his prime Laurence Olivier, this sappy remake of a remake is for Diamond fans only (see Danny Thomas from 1953 and the legendary Al Jolson "talkie" from 1927 for celluloid betterment). Personally -- and I'm drifting a little off topic here -- I could never take Diamond seriously again after hearing his wacky and peppy rendition of "White Christmas." The fact that he's Jewish and singing a Christmas carol is kind of funny. The song itself is even funnier.

LAND OF THE DEAD (Unrated Director's Cut)
Or George Romero's Land of the Dead, if you prefer. Is it a remake or a sequel to Romero's Day of the Dead? I dunno. Or maybe I'm thinking of Night of the Living Dead. Or Dawn of the Dead. One can't have too much dead,especially if you're CBS. But I digress. This movie gets a mention because it was shot in nearby (for me) Toronto, which only makes sense, since Canadian politicians make the best zombies.

LIFEBOAT (Unrated Director's Cut)
Alfred Hitchcock's war drama about the survivors of a German torpedoing and their encounter adrift with one of the enemy gets some digital love. Not the most deluxe of special editions, with only a making of and a commentary by film guy Drew Casper. But hey, I'll take it.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM (50th Anniversary Edition)
Otto Preminger's once controversial classic about a loser ex-con and former drug addict who gets out of the slammer and finds the same demons waiting for him gets the deluxe anniversary treatment, replacing a disc released in 2002. The film itself is tame by today's standards, but Frank Sinatra gives a strong performance, making this a better film than it probably should have been.

THE PETER JENNINGS COLLECTION
Six of the late Mr. Jennings' spots from ABC's 20/20 are highlighted in this two-disc set in a tribute of sorts to the anchor who died of cancer earlier this year.

SAW (Uncut Edition)
This is an extended edition of last year's surprise horror hit. Worth mentioning for the humorously ironic title alone. Saw. Uncut. I giggle.

TARZAN (1999) (Special Edition)
I'll try to say this without being cynical... Aw, screw it. Buy now or else equals Disney sucks. To give them some credit, this is no doubt another terrific special edition of one of their popular animated films. I just wish they wouldn't dangle these things like carrots while pointing a gun at your wallets.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART VIII

Here are the answers to Friday's movie quotes:

(1) "From now on, I'll write two letters a week instead of one."
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994): Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins), convicted murderer and semi-respected prison lawyer, decides to ramp things up a bit after a campaign to garner funds from the state government for a prison library gains some measure of success.

(2) "Greater good? I am your wife. I'm the greatest good you are ever gonna get!"
THE INCREDIBLES (2004): Honey Best (Kimberly Adair Clark), wife of Lucius Best AKA superhero Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson), responds to her husband's vocalized need to find his costume so he can serve humanity, ya know, for the greater good.

(3) "Wow, you're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit."
HOUSESITTER (1992): The words spoken by Newton Davis (Steve Martin) to con artist and temporary "wife" Gwen (Goldie Hawn) as he insults her by paying her a compliment. Or something like that.

(4) "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."
GOODFELLAS (1990): The opening words (more or less) of the film as narrated by Henry Hill (Ray Liotta). Godfather, Shmodfather -- this is the greatest mob film ever. Period.

(5) "This is my... BOOMSTICK!"
ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993) Ash (Bruce Campbell), the survivor of two encounters with demons in the woods and now cast back in time, tells the medieval locals about his shotgun, in terms that they MIGHT be able to understand.

(6) "One God, that I can understand, but one wife? That is not civilized."
BEN-HUR (1959): Sheik Ilderim (Oscar winner Hugh Griffith) philosophizes about love and religion with his new chariot leader and Roman ass kicker, the Judean Prince Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston).

(7) "This is, like, the 23rd time we've made out already, and they're getting blue."
50 FIRST DATES (2004): Henry Roth (Adam Sandler), in love with the painfully cute Lucy Whitmore (Drew Barrymore), a woman whose memory resets every morning, speaks honestly from his heart -- and his loins.

(8) "Flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."
AIRPLANE! (1980): Captain Rex Kramer (Robert Stack) tries to soothe nervous passenger slash war veteran slash mental patient slash reluctant volunteer pilot Ted Stryker (Robert Hays) as he tries to fly and land a crippled jet that has a manifest full of crazies.

(9) "Please don't tell me you called me out of a wedding to pick out a suit!"
TWO WEEKS NOTICE (2002): The words of Lucy Kelson (Sandra Bullock), as she ponders the possibility that her boss (played to doofus-like perfection by Hugh Grant) might actually be incapable of wiping his own ass.

(10) "Goodbye, Bob! Best dollar eighty I ever spent."
YOUNG GUNS II (1990): Billy the Kid (Emilio Estevez), oh so briefly eulogizes Deputy Sherriff Bob Ollinger (Leon Rippy), after shooting the poor sap with a gun loaded with 18 dimes.

Next set of (much more difficult) quotes will be posted on November 4.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.18

(DISCLAIMER: The following contains about as much reality as Pamela Anderson's mammaries.)

James Blond? Phooey. Wait, I already said that.

Anyway, welcome to the latest Sunday Crapola, where no celebrity is safe from my mentally unbalanced form of slander. Can I help it if my neurons swim backwards? The doctors don't think so, but then, they think I'm taking my medication. Fools.

Drum roll, Maestro. And aways we go:

AL PACINO
The legendary actor made gossip columns all over the entertainment world this week with reports that he's romancing former Cheers star and current Jenny Craig spokeswoman Kirstie Alley. The two were apparently seen having dinner at a Hollywood restaurant, with Alley at one point giving Pacino's thigh a subtle stroke or two. Friends of Pacino are somewhat perplexed. Said one pal, "I think Al can do better than that. I mean, she's not even half the woman she used to be."

KATIE HOLMES
Upset with reports that the soon-to-be Mrs. Tom Cruise got pregnant through in-vitro fertilization, Holmes' aunt Carol Zydorczyk spoke up in defense of celebritydom's current WTF couple. Said the auntie to a legion of press wags, "I can assure you they did it the old fashioned way. You want proof? I was there, I saw the whole thing. In fact, I'll be posting the video on the web later this evening."

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
If reports are to be believed, the Gov'ner of Cal-EE-for-nya has decided that it's time to get back into the movie-making business. Schwarzenegger has supposedly signed on for a sequel to True Lies and and a third sequel to The Terminator. Friends of the big guy say he's anxious to get in front of the camera again, especially for Terminator 4. Political fans can also be assured that he is not giving up on being re-elected, with marketing material being prepared with the tag line, "I'll be back... to lower your taxes."

OPRAH WINFREY
The talk show host was able to pat herself on the back recently after an episode of her talk show aided in the capture of a wanted sexual offender. On the show, Winfrey showed the man's picture, and offered a $100,000 reward for his capture. Just days later, William C. Davis was captured in Minnesota. When asked what she was going to do next, Winfrey said, "I'm going golfing with O.J. Simpson, to help him find the real murderer. Then I'm going to Disney World."

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.
The man who would be Fred a third time, if Scooby-Two hadn't tanked, has come clean on his recent chest pains, which he initially described to media hounds as a "cracked rib." The actor has admitted that the pains were actually a result of an overindulgence of his favourite Chinese food. Said Fred, "I ate a lot of Chinese food and my stomach was a little upset. I went to bed, woke up the next day and I felt like I broke a rib. Then the pain went away. But it came back an hour later so I figured it had to be from the Chinese."

DANIEL CRAIG
The seemingly eternal wait for a new James Bond ended with the naming of the Layer Cake star as guardian of Ian Fleming's secret agent man in the tuxedo in the forthcoming Casino Royale. There has been some backlash in the wake of Craig's coronation. Some say he's not good looking enough, others say he's too short. Then there's the fact that he's blond, whereas all of his predecessors had dark hair. But Craig says people shouldn't worry, that he's up to the task. To that end, the actor says he's been training for the role by learning how to shoot a gun, practising corny one-liners and trying to bed every woman he meets.

If you think that's the last I have to say about Casino Royale, think again. More in a few days.

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART VIII

James Blond? Phooey. But more on that in the days ahead.

It's time again to play the movie quote game. It's abbreviated because I'm a slacker, and because I'm starting to find it difficult not to go back to the same titles for the material, which I did at least once in today's quotes. Mea culpa. It could also be the cold I'm catching, or maybe the alcohol is slowing me down. Civilized society may never know. Or care, for that matter. Sniffle.

Here are the quotes:

(1) "From now on, I'll write two letters a week instead of one."

(2) "Greater good? I am your wife. I'm the greatest good you are ever gonna get!"

(3) "Wow, you're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit."

(4) "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."

(5) "This is my... BOOMSTICK!"

(6) "One God, that I can understand, but one wife? That is not civilized."

(7) "This is, like, the 23rd time we've made out already, and they're getting blue."

(8) "Flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

(9) "Please don't tell me you called me out of a wedding to pick out a suit!"

(10) "Goodbye, Bob! Best dollar eighty I ever spent."

Same as always, name the movie and (if possible) the speaker of the quote -- actor or character, your choice.

Stay tuned...

MICKEY FOR COMMISSIONER

Lockout? What lockout?

The National Hockey League is back, and to most fans (i.e. those of us who didn't flee the game for other pursuits like shuffleboard, bowling and video poker) it's like it never left.

Well, sort of.

The game as it was in the spring of 2004 was a mess. Sure, there was some excitement. Who didn't get giddy at the sight of the Stanley Cup being lifted in steamy Tampa Bay? But the road to the Cup was littered with so much trash it was like being stuck in the middle of a soggy, stinky landfill.

I mean, have you ever tried skating in garbage? You don't go anywhere.

Such was the Fastest Game on Ice before the league got tough with its Players' Association and put the game on ice by taking it off the ice.

Everyone still with me?

Ahem. All the clutching/grabbing clutter had slowed the game down to a crawl. Consequently, drug stores in NHL cities stopped carrying sleeping pills in favour of NHL highlight videos. Something about a better success rate, they said.

But fast forward to last week, and the labour strife is but a rapidly fading memory. Arenas actually have fans in them, giving the term "forgive and forget" new meaning.

And why wouldn't they come back? The league has cracked down on players who play defense by clutching, grabbing, molesting, bounding and/or gagging their opponents. Put your hands or your stick on a player not carrying the puck and you get two whole minutes to atone for your sins.

This new freedom, coupled with the elimination of the centre red line, the downsizing of goalie equipment and an influx of quick, young players has caused an offensive explosion not seen since Wayne Gretzky was still using Clearasil.

Yep, the game's exciting again. For a league that has made shooting itself in the foot part of its constitution, it finally seems to be doing something right.

Except for that stupid, STUPID shootout. Gary Bettman, what the hell were you thinking?

There are no longer any ties in the NHL. After 60 minutes of regulation, and five minutes of overtime, if the game is still tied we now go to the shootout. Each team gets three shooters who get to play it mano a mano with the opposing team's goalie, all in the name of breaking the tie.

Hey, I'm all for declaring a winner.

But circus sideshows are no way to decide things. The NBA doesn't settle their games with a 3-point shooting contest. The NFL doesn't make the quartebacks take turns throwing the ball through a tire. So why would the NHL resort to something so tacky as a shootout?

For the fans, they say.

Speaking as a fan, I plead with you, Gary -- stop doing us favours. We loved the game the way it was -- um, twenty years ago. For the first 65 minutes of the game, you've succeeded.

Why ruin such a good thing, I asks ya? All good intentions notwithstanding, the shootout sucks. And it always will.

But, with any luck, all the offensive craziness will keep the Mickey Mouse stuff to a minimum.

Well, except in Anaheim.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

This is a soft week in DVD Land, to be sure. Still, here are today's more notable releases:

11:14
Before there was Crash (released earlier this year), there was this film about the events leading up to a car crash, again from several different perspectives. Not to be morbid, or anything, but how come there aren't any movies about people fussing about train wrecks? Other than The Fugitive, that is.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT - Season 2
This is the first of at least two seasons that should not have been, if I'm reading my Nielsen ratings correctly. This show is critically acclaimed and yet always seems to be in critical condition at renewal time. Yet, here we are now in season three. Are people watching? Um, nope. This release contains all 18 episodes (FOX cut it back from 22, normally a sure sign of cancellation) on three discs.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR - Season 2
This is one of those shows that will always look like it was made in the eighties, which is pretty sad, since it actually ran from 1990 to 1996. Still, it's hard to resist Will Smith's effervescent personality, now matter how goofy the circumstances. This set has all 24 second season episodes on four discs.

KICKING & SCREAMING
Will Ferrell stars in this fairly daft comedy about a man with self-esteem issues who ends up coaching a kids soccer team to spite his overly competitive father. This ain't exactly The Bad News Bears. As for Will Ferrell, he should probably stick to playing elves. That said, the kids will probably love it.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Director Ridley Scott (Gladiator, Alien, *cough* Hannibal) goes all epic again in this film starring Orlando Bloom that takes place during the crusades of the twelth century. Purchasers of the DVD have a choice between anamorphic widescreen and fullscreen editions, although the fullscreen disc will probably be missing at least a third of the picture, depending on how it's framed. Consider yourself warned. And if you buy the fullscreen edition, consider yourself heckled.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
I think about this movie and I just can't get the voices of Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing out of my head (Joey: "Suckfest," Chandler: "Total chick flick."). Now I'm not judging, since I haven't seen it. I'm sure it's a charming little movie about a group of young women who share laughter, tears and a battered pair of jeans. I'm just saying that those with an intolerance to estrogen should probably go buy Kingdom of Heaven instead.

SOAP - Season 4
The final season (25 episodes on three discs) of the classic and controversial soap opera parody brings the saga of the Tate and Campbell families to a somewhat premature close. All the fuss that was made over the morality of this series in the seventies has me thinking that it won't be finding a home in the DVD players in the White House. On the other hand, maybe Dubya is really a closet liberal. Umm, nah...

SOUTH PARK - Season 6
Yet another season of the adventures of the potty-mouthed kids from Colorado hits store shelves. Closet or no closet, this one definitely won't be making an appearance in the DVD collection in the White House. Eric Cartman would probably cause Laura Bush to suffer a heart attack. That's one child I'm pretty sure she'd leave behind.

VERONICA MARS - Season 1
Shades of Arrested Development, this somewhat quirky UPN series garnered critical raves and practically no viewers, and still it got renewed. A summer showcase of four episodes on UPN sibling CBS gave it some solid exposure that likely led to the ratings of the second season premiere being way, way up. This set contains all 22 first season episodes on six discs.

Stay tuned...

FINALLY, THE TRUTH REVEALED...

To anyone that cares,

I've had it.

Nobody respects me, nobody loves me. I'm sick and tired of all the condescension. "You're well-rounded," they say. Screw them, I say. "You're a good egg," they say. Go to HELL, I say.

It's over. I'm gonna do it. When all is said and done, I'll just be somebody else's mess to clean up. It's probably better this way, anyhow. I won't be missed. There will always be another to take my place the next morning at breakfast.

That's all I have to say. I'm going now. They say when you're up high you shouldn't look down. Well, I'm about to look down. Permanently.

Goodbye.



Humpty

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.17

(DISCLAIMER: I'm really tired, so the following may or may not make sense. It's pretty much bullshit either way.)

Zzzzzzzzzzz. (Snore). Zzzzzzzzz.

Hmm? Whut? Oh, right. Sunday. Sorry, suffering from hockey overload. And baseball playoff overload. Football overload coming today. Need more sleep. Snare it. G'night. Zzzzzzzzzz:

KATIE HOLMES
The future Mrs. Cruise, who revealed to the world last week that she's carrying the seed of Tom, is being urged by scientologists John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston to have a "silent birth." Says Preston, "Katie needs to keep the birth peaceful and clear of the sort of suggestions or different words that can affect the child in the future. That means no talking, no music, no screams of pain, no cheering and no jumping up and down on the couch."

PARIS HILTON
Yes, her again. This week's edition of the Paris report involves allegations that Hilton offered marijuana and bourbon to teens prior to the taping of a segment of The Simple Life: Interns in Baltimore last year. Hilton, of course, has denied breaking the law and police have found no evidence of any wrongdoing. Said a spokesman for 20th Century Fox, "Paris would never endanger the welfare of a minor. She always makes sure a person is of age before she dopes them up."

BENJAMIN BRATT
Sandra Bullock's co-star in Miss Congeniality has become a father for the second time with Bond girl wife Talisa Soto. The child, whose full name is Mateo Bravery Bratt, was born in Los Angeles, with the weigh-in registering at seven pounds, seven ounces. No official word from the hospital has been given, but Soto and the little Bratt are said to be resting comfortably.

TARA REID
Fresh off the recent cancellation of her show Taradise (nee Wild On...), the actress is slamming the press for playing up her party girl image. Said an obviously distressed Tara, "How many more years are the media going to pick on me? Just because I like to party every night, get totally smashed and fall over the place, it doesn't mean I'm a bad girl. It just means I'm really lousy at being a good girl."

BARBRA STREISAND
The media-shy diva has plans to tell all about the details of her life by penning an autobiography, to be published within the next couple of years. Says Babs, "I'd like to say my own piece about the life I've lived. It's hard to trust what you read in the press these days with so many people making things up. But I think I'll feel a lot more comfortable by having the chance to make up my own stuff, you know?

THE CAST OF LOST
The ensemble of the runaway ABC hit drama are upset that they're not getting the same treatment as the gals in that other ABC smash, Desperate Housewives. Reports of the lavish treatment the Housewives get from the network, including higher salaries and gifts, have the cast of Lost up in arms. Matthew Fox, who plays Dr. Jack Shepard, has tried to reassure his castmates that they are valued, but even he is feeling frustrated. Said Fox, "the difference between how ABC has treated Lost and Desperate Housewives has been night and day. There's a perception among the guys that we are busting out asses on the island and we're not getting a lot of recognition for that. I mean, who do you have to sleep with or kill to get some respect around here?"

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Stay tuned...

TIME TO LET LOOSE

GAME ON!

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's more notable releases:

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005)
This remake of the 1979 original (which, let's face it, kind of sucked) is based on a "true" story of a family that moved into a house on Long Island and got the crap scared out of them. I say "true" with quotes because I don't believe in ghosts, although Renee Zellweger and her super pale skin do a wicked imitation.

THE BOB NEWHART SHOW - Season 2
Another release for the original Newhart show. This is, of course, the one with the shrink who dealt with all the crazy people, as opposed to the one with the innkeeper who dealt with all the crazy people.

CINDERELLA (Special Edition)
Disney releases another one of its animated classics, all the while threatening its customers with the manipulative "limited time only" tag. It's just a kind way of saying "give us your money now or your kids will hate you for the next ten years." How such great family fare can be made by such assholes, I'll never know.

THE FLY (1986) (Collector's Edition)
David Cronenberg's remake of the 1958 Vincent Price classic was well received, despite being a little gory at times. Or maybe it was well received because it was a little gory at times. In any case, this special edition replaces a double sided disc released in 2003 that housed both The Fly and its sequel, The Fly II (which also gets a special edition release today). Like the previous disc, this release is in glorious anamorphic widescreen. Fans of both movies that don't care about special features would be better served by picking up the original double feature. While supplies last, and all that.

THE FOG (1980) (Special Edition)
Just in time for the remake (starring super cute Maggie Grace who plays super annoying Shannon Rutherford on Lost), this special edition release of the 1980 John Carpenter classic is way overdue. Starring the double-barrelled duo of Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis, this is one of those movies that's just hard to watch because it's, you know, so foggy.

THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK MASTERPIECE COLLECTION
A must for fans of the master of suspense, this set contains 14 films (including such classics as Psycho, Vertigo, Rear Window and The Birds) on 16 discs. All this for about a hundred bucks. Quality, quantity and value -- simply awesome!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS (1955) - Season 1
While we're talking Hitchcock, this is the first release of the classic series from the fifties. While the remake series from the eighties was decent, nothing can top the original. But then, isn't that the way it always is?

THE INTERPRETER
Nicole Kidman? Sean Penn? In a Sydney Pollack film? What are you waiting for? With names like that, it's gotta be good. Go buy it already. I know I will.

KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER - Complete Series
The nerds & geeks at the sci-fi conventions will be in their glory this weekend, now that this classic seventies cult series finally gets released. Darren McGavin may be Kolchak to the N&G's, but to me he'll always be that crazy dad from A Christmas Story who cried like a baby over a broken leg lamp in a stiletto heel. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

STAR TREK: NEMESIS (Collector's Edition)
This is the one where they boldly went where nobody went before... and never came back. That's right, no more Trek films, at least not with any characters that are familiar to us. When (if?) the next Trek flick gets made, it will be with a brand new cast playing brand new characters. Too bad, really. This one didn't suck THAT badly. Anyway, this is the second DVD release of Nemesis. It also completes the collection of Trek special editions. As such, a complete box set of the special editions is also being released today.

Stay tuned...

THE NUMBERS GAME

Like a gazillion other people in North America, I tune in to Lost every Wednesday. What can I say, it's a good show. Actually, it's a great show, full of mayhem and mystery. The mayhem is interesting, but it's the mystery that keeps me tuning in.

One of the biggest mysteries on the show is about a set of numbers (currently on display on the television on the left side of this page). 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. What are they about? Sure, they're the winning lottery numbers of Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, but these numbers have also been popping up in all sorts of other places. Hence, the mystery.

But this Wednesday, a new number will be taking centre stage. For me, at least. That number is 485. Is it a mysterious number? Not really. Counting backwards, it is the number of days that have passed since the National Hockey League had any sort of game of consequence.

It seems like only an eternity ago that the Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Calgary Flames 2-1 to win the Stanley Cup. That was on June 7, 2004. Since then hockey fans have endured the kind of greed and stupidity one can now find daily at any gas pump (Note to petroleum companies: pricing your customers out of business is no way to stay profitable).

The NHL had its lockout, and what fun that was, eh? The owners preached cost certainty in the name of padding their bank accounts while the players preached status quo in the name of maintaining their bank accounts. All of this went on with barely a consideration of Joseph and Josephine Fan, who kept the damn game afloat all these years by emptying their bank accounts.

The Fans were angry, and rightly so. Some Fans found other things to do, but the die hards stayed through the lockout mess, taking every opportunity to tell both sides that they suck to the extreme.

Now, that's all in the past. The league and its players are counting on fans having a short memory, and they could never be more right. Some fans have forgotten the league altogether, proof of which will be evident come season's end when the attendance numbers are tallied.

But the die hards? They're still around, and their only complaints are about roster moves by their favourite teams. Roster moves, I might add, that are dictated by numbers.

* * * * *

The new National Hockey League, by the Lost numbers:

4 -- The number of NHL teams whose fans will totally abandon them, necessitating a change of address (the most likely candidates, in my opinion, are Florida, Nashville, Atlanta and Washington). It would have been five, but Pittsburgh won the Sidney Crosby stakes.

8 -- The number of days that will pass before somebody writes that using a shootout to settle a tie after only five minutes of overtime is a really dumb idea. Tune in to this page next Thursday for further details.

15 -- The total number of disgruntled fans that have abandoned the Toronto Maple Leafs.

16 -- The number of teams to make the playoffs. Somebody wanted to raise this to 20 'cause, like, the regular season isn't meaningless enough as it is.

23 -- The number of players each team carries on its active roster. The team-by-team breakdown between overachiever and total dead wood will be completed at a later date.

42 -- The number of near concussions Eric Lindros will be subjected to.

Yeah, whatever. Just drop the damn puck.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.16

(DISCLAIMER: All is not as it seems. Well, except for the last bit.)

It's Sunday. Thank God, and all that.

I have to say I had a hellacious week. Work was busy, busy, busy. I was so distracted that I had trouble telling Renee Zellweger from Renee Zellweger. But at least I can tell the Olsen twins apart. When that will come in handy, I have no idea.

Anyway, onwards with the Crapola. I'm too tired for a drumroll, so let's go:

LINDSAY LOHAN
The once disappearing starlet has finally come clean regarding her drastic weight loss earlier this year, stating that the stress of family problems got to her and she stopped taking care of herself. But LiLo has shown signs of regaining her former voluptuous form and has decided to show off her new oldness by posing suggestively nude for a Vanity Fair cover. Fans of the actress are shocked, but not as shocked as fans of Pamela Anderson were in 2001 when she actually posed for pictures fully clothed.

PARIS HILTON
The Queen of all celebutantes has called off her forthcoming nuptials to fiance Paris Latsis, saying it's the "right decision" for her. The disengagement is curious, but the biggest question about the whole situation is what happened to the 24 carat, $5 million ring? The right thing to do would be to return it, but rumour has it that Hilton traded it in for a mansion, two Ferraris, a boob job and a chihuahua.

GEORGE STEINBRENNER
The owner of the New York Yankees celebrated yesterday as his beloved pinstripers clinched yet another American League East title with a victory over the arch-rival Boston Red Sox. The boss was in the press box at the end of the game when he phoned down to the dugout to congratulate manager Joe Torre. Said George, "Joe? Can you hear me? You're fired. What? Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!"

JODIE FOSTER
The normally low key star has found herself in the middle of some controversy, stemming from the success of her latest film, Flightplan. Three groups representing flight attendants are upset with the movie's depiction of attendants as rude and unsympathetic, and are calling for a boycott. Foster is unfazed by the fuss, however, saying she also didn't get uptight when special interest groups complained that The Silence of the Lambs painted serial killers in a bad light.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH
The ex-Guess model and reality TV bimbette is taking things to the United States Supreme Court with the hope that they will see fit to approve her $88 million inheritance from the estate of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall. Smith was only 26 when she married the 89 year-old oil tycoon, who died one year later. Since then, Smith was awarded the inheritance, only to have it overturned after an appeal by Howard's son, E. Pierce Marshall. Not one to give up, she hopes to prove once and for all that she deserves the inheritance because the marriage was one of love, and not money. (NOTE: Nothing but truth in this one. It's funny enough as it is.)

Hmm. George Steinbrenner surrounded by hot women. I bet that hardly ever happens.

Stay tuned...

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT

www.poopd-culture.com

-- Seemingly a source of great confusion

* * * * *

Okay, so here's the, uh, poop.

The url listed above leads you to a page remarkably similar to this one because it is, in fact, this one. I have not been cloned, nor do I have have an evil twin brother. I will admit that I've always wanted an evil me, but my parents could never find one small enough to fit in my stocking.

No, I took Gary's advice, and headed over to the Yahoo small business page where they were practically giving away domains. For the princely sum of $8.97 (American -- that used to mean something in Canada), I now own www.poopd-culture.com for the next three years.

Now, doing this on the cheap does come with some small caveats. I can't have the browser window actually read www.poopd-culture.com without having a strip of Yahoo ads at the bottom of the page. If I want to fix this I will have to pay more, which I might do in the future. But for now, I'll just revel in owning a glorified referring url. I'd rather have a plasma screen, but hey, you can't have everything.

So the choice is yours. You can leave your links as they are, or you can change the address to the new one. Either way, regular posting resumes tomorrow with some good old fashioned Crapola.

See ya then.

Stay tuned...