DVD TUESDAY

Here are today's notable DVD releases, some of which were actually released yesterday to capitalize on shoppers armed to the teeth with gift cards:

This direct-to-DVD sequel stars Eugene Levy and, and, um, and... I'm sure there's somebody else in there somewhere. Ah, hell, what difference does it make? No matter who's in it, it's bound to be lewd, crude, nude and incredibly rude. Just expect less bling in the credits. Available in regular rude and ruder unrated editions.





Jennifer Connelly plays a down-on-her-luck mom who's so troubled even ghosts are giving her grief. I don't know about the title, though. One wonders if all her troubles would go away if she'd just flush the damn toilet once in a while. Just like this one time at Band Camp before it, this film is available in regular and unrated editions.





Lest one think that this is a film about the University of (Insert NCAA Division I Football Program Here), let me state for the record that they'd be sorely mistaken. Instead, it's a movie about young Englishmen, their obsession with soccer and the antics that occur when the round ball and too much testosterone mix. Or so I'm told, since I've yet to see it. Sounds fascinating, though.




Jessica Alba, Paul Walker and a bunch of other pretty, young people star in this flick about a group of divers that get mixed up with a nasty drug baron and his sunken cargo. Kinda sounds like it should have been called Peter Benchley, 90210.








The first show aired on neophyte weblet UPN not called Star Trek: Somethingorother, this was a nifty little program starring Canadian actor Bruce Greenwood as a man whose existence has seemingly been erased. Cancelled after a single season, it deserved more. This set contains 25 episodes on nine discs. (NOTE: Amazon.ca is showing a release date of January 3, but I'm guessing regular retailers will have this one in stock this week.)


From where I sit, this series is a tale of two actors. On the one hand, you had grizzled vet Roy Scheider starting the twilight of his career. Best known for his roles in Jaws and The French Connection, Scheider is still kicking about the movie scene, although he's rarely at the top of the credits anymore. The flip side was Jonathan Brandis, a young actor with a bright future that fizzled out prematurely a couple of years ago when he took his own life.


This re-release follows September's re-release of the original Toy Story. Back then I commented on the possibility of a Pixar-less and Tom Hanks-less Toy Story 3, which Disney is prepping on its own for release in 2007 or 2008. Since then, things have apparently warmed up a bit between Pixar (computer animators extraordinaire) and Disney. Rumours have the two companies signing a new deal soon, which means the third installment of the adventures of Woody, Buzz and the gang might get the proper treatment after all. We'll see.


Stay tuned...

HAPPY HO, HO, HO

This Yuletide message has been brought to you by the letter H.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART XI

Here are the answers to last Friday's Christmas movie quote quiz. Unfortunately, I lost the original descriptions that I had written, so I had to enact emergency measures, which involved importing descriptions from my alter ego in Star Trek's mirror universe. In other words, while you may recognize the titles, the descriptions may reflect slightly different versions of your favourite Christmas films.

Read on, but you might want to drink plenty of egg nog first:

1) "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that."
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946): Once frustrated by the frustrating frustrations of a frustrational life, emotionally redeemed businessman George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) announces his intention to open up a chain of fortune telling boutiques.

2) "How can a guy that ugly have the nerve to have sisters?"
WHITE CHRISTMAS (1954): Upon seeing the beautiful sisters of the recently discovered Sasquatch, a stunned Phil Davis (Danny Kaye) questions the validity of the laws that govern genetics.

3) "You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits."
JINGLE ALL THE WAY (1996): Forgetting that he's wearing rose-coloured sunglasses, Howie Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) wrongly accuses a group of Mormon missionaries of being morally bankrupt.

4) "In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."
A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983): An adult Ralph Parker (Jean Shepherd), while telling the story of the Christmas he almost shot his eye out, challenges Webster's fifth law of phonetics.

5) "Can you ever forgive a pig-headed old fool without eyes to see nor ears to hear all these years?"
A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1951): Succumbing to the emotional manipulations of three nosy spirits, Ebenezer Scrooge (Alastair Sim) reluctantly apologizes to his longtime maid, Mrs. Dilber, for never having properly put her on the payroll.

6) "Seeing is believing. But sometimes the most real things in this world are the things we can't see."
THE POLAR EXPRESS (2004): In an interview with Timeless Magazine, the conductor (Tom Hanks) of The Polar Express explains the difference between Pamela Anderson's prosthetic ta-tas and a nice, modest covered pair.

7) "You sit on a throne of lies."
ELF (2003): Not believing the denials of intestinal activity from the strange guy in the red suit, Buddy the Elf (Will Farrell) suggests to the Gimbles department store Santa that he spend a few minutes sitting on an entirely different kind of throne.

8) "Just because every child can't get his wish that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus."
MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947): Santa Claus (Edmund Gwenn), in his disguise as mild-mannered shopping mall employee, tries to explain to an angry mob of children that, with Santa's outdated Edsel sleigh, he just can't get to every freakin' house on the planet in a single night.

9) "You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?"
THE SANTA CLAUSE (1994): Recently out of the closet, and fresh off a shopping spree at Frederick's of Hollywood, Santa Claus (Tim Allen) makes an offer to Rupert Everett that he just can't refuse.

10) "If you touch me again, I'm gonna rip your g*ddamn wings off."
SCROOGED (1988): While jetting across the country to a crucial Christmas business meeting, grumpy businessman Francis Cross (Bill Murray) fights off the sexual advances from an overly aroused female airline pilot.

Confused? See, you should have drunk the egg nog first.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Okay, I think this is a first -- a new batch of DVDs, and I don't think I've seen any of 'em. I think I gotta get out more often.

Sigh.

On that note, here are this week's notable new releases, and my thoughts about how nice the titles sound, or something:

This account of the killing of 11 Israeli athletes by terrorists at the 1972 Olympic Games gets a DVD release with Steven Spielberg's big-budget take on things (simply called Munich) about to hit theatres. Also arriving on DVD today is a re-release of the 1999 documentary about the incident, called One Day in September and narrated by Michael Douglas.




Critics were puzzled by this fictional adventure involving real-life fairy tale writers Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm. Audiences didn't know what to make of it, either. Even with big guns Matt Damon and Heath Ledger in the starring roles, it barely made back half of what it reportedly cost. So, if you're feeling charitable, just remember that charity begins at Amazon.




This film about the nasty little mind games played on each other by the teenage students of an upscale boarding school starred a big bunch of nobodies... and Jon Bon Jovi. He used to be somebody, didn't he?








My first thought when hearing about this film was, "NO, not another Exorcist movie." Which, of course, it isn't. Starring quality people such as Laura Linney and Tom Wilkinson, and buoyed by decent reviews, Emily Rose was a modest hit at the box office last fall. Also available in an unrated edition, I'll definitely be checking this one out.





Mark Wahlberg stars as one of, um, four brothers who seek vengeance for their mother's death in this flick directed by John Singleton. Might as well call this one Bros n the Hood.









Hmmm... John Cusack, Diane Lane, cute title -- and critics hated it. Still, it does have John Cusack, Diane Lane and a cute title, so... I'm gonna have to watch it anyway.









Courtney Cox goes all indie in this small budget psychological drama about a woman struggling to maintain a grip on reality. I'm betting all those years of playing the ultra-neurotic Monica Geller came in handy for this one. Or maybe not.







Cynics would say that the only reason this movie is getting a DVD release at this time is to cash in on the current Kong frenzy brought about by Peter Jackson's lush remake of the classic 1933 King Kong. And, gosh darn it, they'd be right!








It wasn't that long ago that Martin Lawrence flaked out in the middle of a busy Los Angeles intersection. Actually, it was almost ten years ago, but who's counting? In any event, the title of this film is appropriate for a movie about basketball, but it also says something about how well this funny guy has recovered from whatever demons ailed him.




This "sequel" to the FOX series Firefly did decent business at the box office, especially considering that it sprang from a show that practically nobody watched. Who knows, maybe there's hope for Wonderfalls: The Movie. Nah, it'll never happen.







Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.26

(DISCLAIMER: Oh the weather outside is frightful, what you'll read here is so inciteful, just remember that it's all untrue, let it, um... uh... snoo?)

Here it is, the final dish of Crapola for 2005. And, in keeping with the season, I hereby give you the first ever Poop'D Culture Christmas Crapola, and the last Crapola until January 7, 2006. Just remember, it's all fun and games until somebody gets kicked in the head by a reindeer. Read and duck, I always say.

Anyway, on with the, um... uh... shoo? Here goes:

CHARLES DICKENS
Even though he's been dead for almost 140 years, the author's legacy is in good shape, especially during the Christmas season. His classic story, A Christmas Carol, has been filmed almost thirty times. But a recent discovery of an alternate ending of A Christmas Carol written by Dickens is creating quite a stir. According to a recently discovered and authenticated manuscript, in Dickens original version Ebenezer Scrooge is not redeemed by the ghosts' visits. Instead, when Scrooge awakes in the morning, he says to himself, "pfft, Christmas. Cratchit, you're still fired" and goes back to sleep.

JESSICA SIMPSON
It's hard to say if the Texas Miss will have a Merry Christmas with all that's been going on around her. She's a tabloid target, with her pending divorce and her penchant for partying, then there's last week's collapse of her sister Ashlee in a Tokyo elevator. But her Christmas just got a little worse with her version of "Let it Snow" being voted the worst rendition of a Christmas song in the history of recorded music, by the Tone Deaf Citizens of America (TDCA) no less. Said a TDCA rep, "it makes me want to perforate my ear drums with a power drill."

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
The on-hiatus actor and current leader of the great state of California is not having an easy December. A couple of weeks ago he had to decide the fate of a condemned man, eventually deciding to stand aside and allow for the execution of Stanley Tookie Williams. The stress of this decision must be getting to him. At a weekly press gathering, Schwarzenegger had what could best be called an episode. After answering numerous questions about Williams, a member of the fourth estate asked the Governor whether he would be making any more movies, to which the big guy snapped and screamed out, "NO! There will NOT be a sequel to Jingle All the Way!"

WILL FARRELL
The former Saturday Night Live player will be going back to the big screen to star in a sequel to the 2003 seasonal hit, Elf. Untitled as of yet, the new adventure will take Buddy the Elf back to the North Pole to help quell some sort of elf insurrection. But don't be expecting candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup -- this one will be darker than the first one. For example, in one scene Buddy is watching a clip from The Lord of the Rings, and upon seeing Legolas the Elf mowing down Orcs with a bow and arrows, a newly jaded Buddy says, "I think I'm going to be needing one of those."

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
The head of Santa's mobility team may not be at the head of the sleigh this year. There were some reports of trouble with last year's ride, with eyewitnesses claiming that the sleigh was seen weaving wildly over Los Angeles. Nobody thought much of it at the time, but a clever reporter got to the bottom of it all. According to court reports uncovered by the reporter, the sleigh was pulled over, and all involved were given breathalyzers, including Santa. Everybody was cleared except for Rudolph, who was charged with guiding under the influence.

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART XI

Okay, this is an easy one -- a final batch of movie quotes before The Man blows out his candles. And, in keeping with the spirit of the season, they're all Christmas related. I apologize to the good people of the Jewish faith if they feel left out, but the closest thing to a Hannukah movie I could think of is Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights. Un(?)fortunately, I've never seen it.

Here are the quotes (some, of which, are actually merry):

1) "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that."

2) "How can a guy that ugly have the nerve to have sisters?"

3) "You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits."

4) "In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."

5) "Can you ever forgive a pig-headed old fool without eyes to see nor ears to hear all these years?"

6) "Seeing is believing. But sometimes the most real things in this world are the things we can't see."

7) "You sit on a throne of lies."

8) "Just because every child can't get his wish that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus."

9) "You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?"

10) "If you touch me again, I'm gonna rip your g*ddamn wings off."

And on that happy note, here are Santa's rules: Name the film and, if possible, the speaker of the quote.

Stay tuned...

IS IT LIVE, OR IS IT MAMMAREX?

Just in time for the last gasp of the holiday shopping season I give you my one and only reading recommendation. Or non-recommendation for those of us that like a story with a plot and a heroine who doesn't spend most of her time on her knees or on her back.

What am I talking about? Patience.

A few months ago I was given the task of reviewing a book. I was so excited when my complimentary copy arrived in the mailbox. I mean, this was free stuff delivered right to my door. All I had to do to make payment was read between the covers and then put poison pen to paper.

Now, in a perfect world I'd be reading the latest Stephen King or Clive Barker book and then talking up the body count. The book I got instead still has a body count, but it doesn't get past 1, and I'm pretty sure parts of the body are manufactured in a plant in western New York.

The book in question is Star Struck by (wait for it) Pamela Anderson. Yes, THAT Pamela Anderson.

I know what some of you are probably thinking: Who knew Pamela Anderson could write with those things constantly getting in the way? I mean, how could she even see the keys she was hitting?

One trip through Star Struck (which, believe it or not, is a sequel to Pam's previous bestseller, Star), and I'm pretty certain she found a way. But Dickens it ain't.

A brief synopsis: World famous animal-loving actress Star Wood Leigh marries insanely jealous world famous rock star Jimi Deed, spending large quantities of her time beneath the sheets and in front of a video camera, while ingesting unhealthy amounts of chemical enhancements. Professionally, she stars in a TV show about lifeguards and has just secured her first leading role as some sort of dominatrix-like superhero.

Sound familiar?

For her part, Pammy says it's not autobiographical, which technically is true. I mean, Jimi isn't a drummer. This major character detail surely must throw the whole autobiography theory into the waste basket.

Still, I have no doubt that Pam is actually doing the writing, such as it is. And, outside of the lack of plot, the suspension of intelligence and the fact that Star Wood Leigh seems to giggle a lot, I still found myself in for the whole ride. Sort of like being chained to a pole and being forced to watch a train wreck.

Do I recommend it? For those who worship celebrities in the most unhealthy of ways, it's bound to be a fun read and I recommend it wholeheartedly. But for those not into the excesses of Hollywood, I recommend it not so much.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's more notable DVD releases, as chosen by one wild and crazy guy -- and I don't mean Steve Martin:

The Loch Ness Monster? Bigfoot? A 40 year-old virgin? Well, now thanks to this movie I don't believe in two of those things. I have yet to see this film, which was a surprise hit last summer. It's apparently really funny and, from what I hear, as raunchy as Paris Hilton on a first date. Which means it's probably worth a look, and maybe even a tetanus shot.





Just hold on to your Mathau, for just a second, will ya? This ain't your traditional Bad News Bears. Mind you, it's got Billy Bob Thornton playing cranky, old Buttermaker so it can't be that bad. I guess I'll just have to rent it and find out.








Coy? Vance? Well, it was fun while it lasted. This set contains 22 episodes on eight discs. Some of them even have the real Duke boys.










Not to be confused with the Michael Caine film from the early eighties (which was adapted from a really rotten novel by Peter "Jaws" Benchley), this film cost a lot and brought in a little. Can't really understand why... I mean, it stars Ewan McGregor... and Scarlett Johansson... and was directed by Michael Bay -- wait, now I know why it tanked. Oh, well. Rent it or buy it if you must. Just don't be expecting stuff for the Mensa crowd.



The terminally shaggy director of The Lord of the Rings moves on to his next film project, which is documented in this two-disc set. But be warned-- rumour has it that somewhere in all this footage are several scenes of Peter Jackson playing with his big, hairy monkey.







Do ya miss Raymond? The Friends? Jerry and his band of merry narcissists? Yes, yes and hell yes? Well, try this show for laughs (Friday nights on the WB). It's pure gold, especially Steve Howey, who plays Reba's dopey son-in-law Van Montgomery. This second season set contains 24 episodes on three discs.






Sure, this is the seventh season as far as DVD is concerned. But what are they at in the here and now? Season 17 or something? Better watch yer back, Marshall Dillon. This set contains the episodes "Who Shot Mr. Burns," "Bart Sells His Soul," "Homerpalooza" and (my personal favourite) "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'" -- and about 21 more -- on four discs.



Stay tuned...

ONE LAST LAUGH

RICHARD PRYOR (1940-2005)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
That's for you, Funny Man

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 1.25

(DISCLAIMER: Altruism should not be confused with all true isms. Yes, I'm generous. But I'm also full of it.)

Aw, rest does the body good. Even if it's totally falling apart.

I make my return to the world of celebrity embellishment with today's edition of Sunday Crapola. Am I over the flu? Well, sorta mostly, but you'd be wise not to try to kiss me. So all you Poop'D Stalkers, go easy on my door, will ya?

Anyway, enough about my bacteria. On with the show. And I think it's a good one:

JENNIFER ANISTON
The actress is suing photographer Peter Brandt, claiming trespass and invasion of privacy, after topless pictures of Aniston started to circulate. Aniston is reportedly very upset over the pictures, and even went to far as to refer to Brandt as an "asshole." Brandt, for his part, is defending himself vigorously, claiming that no trespass occurred since Aniston has no fences or signs around her property. And when told of the slur against him by the actress, the photog said, "oh, yeah? Well, one of her breasts is bigger than the other!"

MATT DAMON
The star of the Jason Bourne films married fiancee Luciana Barroso Friday, amid reports that the couple is expecting to expand to a family of three in the not too distant future. A spokesperson for Damon informed the press of the marriage, and wasn't too evasive regarding the other part of the equation. When asked whether the Damons were expecting a little Damon, the spokesperson said, "I can't really say, but let me say this much: I'm pretty sure he's not pregnant."

ELTON JOHN
The singer-songwriter has announced a venue for his upcoming union to Canadian filmmaker David Furnish. The ceremony will take place at Windsor's Guildhall on December 21. The last celebrity wedding to take place there occurred in April of this year, when Prince Charles wed Camilla Parker-Bowles. When asked by a reporter to compare the Royal couple's marriage to the upcoming John-Furnish union, a representative of Guildhall said, "well, for one thing, we have a better looking bride this time around."

ANNA KOURNIKOVA
The former professional tennis player, who never saw a camera she didn't love, is contemplating a comeback to her sweaty and humble athletic beginnings. Hot on the heels of an announcement by fellow racquet retiree Martina Hingis that she is returning to compete, Kournikova let it slip that she, too, is thinking about once again playing for more than smiles and autographs. When analyst and former pro Billie Jean King was asked what she thought of all this, she said "I don't know what to think. But I guess it's okay just as long as nobody expects me to come out of retirement."

JEFF PROBST
The host of reality TV juggernaut Survivor has signed a new multi-year deal amid whispers that he was considering giving up the gig to relax a little and spend more time with his family. But CBS spokesperson Chris Ender says that's not exactly the truth. Says Ender, "his family actually has little to do with his desire to leave Survivor. The truth is, Jeff is upset at not being able to get his dream job, since it looks like Bob Barker is going to live forever."

NICOLE RICHIE
The socialite daughter of singer Lionel Richie is the latest celebrity bimbette to get unengaged after calling off her nuptials to DJ Adam Goldstein. Former gal pal Paris Hilton also called off a short engagement, as did Kimberly Stewart, who was engaged for about a week a couple of months ago. But all three girls are being applauded by some of their harshest critics. Said one smartass, "their not getting married slightly cuts down on the chance that they might actually give birth to the next generation of media manipulating, mommy and daddy mooching wastes of existence."

ROBBIE WILLIAMS
The singer and aspiring James Bond has won a libel suit against a British newspaper and two magazines over claims that he is secretly gay. According to court papers, Williams will receive a monetary settlement from The People newspaper, and Star and Hotstars magazines. A spokesperson for Williams met with the press, saying "Mr. Williams is not, and has never been, homosexual. As for Mr. Williams' future, I have no comment."

Stay tuned...

LOOKING THROUGH ROSE-COLOURED GLASSES

On this, the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death, I wanted to write something hopeful and uplifting. For better or worse, this is what came spilling out of my head, and my heart.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A lot has happened in the last 25 years, some for the better, some definitely not. One thing is for certain: John Lennon's dream of universal peace isn't any closer to reality.

In fact, with the shrinking of the world due to rapid technological advances, some would say that it's farther away than ever before. The older the human race gets, the smarter it gets, the more violent it gets, the bloodier it gets, the dumber it gets.

It's the ultimate vicious cycle.

Way back when, the quest for peace came about because of a war overseas. Reality was a long plane ride away. Now, a war overseas is being fought because of a horrific shattering of the peace in our own backyards. Since that fateful September day, is there anyone who really thinks they are safe anymore?

Lennon sang "all you need is love" and "give peace a chance." But the sad truth is peace and love had no chance, and never will until people learn forgiveness and unlearn hate.

That Lennon became the peace movement's ultimate martyr at the hands of a gun-toting maniac is sadly ironic. What's even sadder is that, though his message of peace has gotten louder since his death, so have the amount of people who aren't listening.

I can't speak for others, so I'll speak to them instead. I offer this free advice to anyone and everyone: This Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Festivus or whatever classifies as your holiday of choice, give the gift of open ears and an open mind. You just might be surprised where it takes you.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are today's notable DVD releases as picked by this page's resident DVD addict:

24 - Season 4

Anyone who regularly visits this page knows what I think of this show (a clue to the rookies can be found in my online avatar -- check my profile). The fourth season was, in my opinion, the best so far. While not perfect (the real time formula makes for easy continuity foul-ups), the latest worst day of Jack Bauer's life is more consistent and is better at avoiding filler timelines that go nowhere. Worth mentioning (MINOR SPOILER) is a solo armed hostage rescue attempt by Bauer fairly early in the day that will leave your jaw glued to the floor. Awesome stuff, to be sure. The set includes (obviously) 24 episodes (plus an exclusive 10 minute prequel of the forthcoming season/day five) on seven discs.


CINDERELLA MAN

This fact-based account of the life of boxer Jim Braddock seemed to have Oscar written all over it. Directed by Ron Howard, and starring Russell Crowe and Renee Zellweger, it's no wonder. Did it light up the box office? Um, nope. Will it light up the Academy Awards? We'll see. Out in both widescreen and fullscreen versions, it's also available in a deluxe collector's edition.


THE DUKES OF HAZZARD

The movie version of the classic series got a few things right. Well, except for the blonde Daisy Duke... And the scruffy twits that played Bo and Luke... And that Boss Hogg looked a lot taller and a lot thinner... But the car still had the infamous Confederate flag on top, so that makes everything okay. Or something. Available in regular and unrated widescreen editions, as well as regular fullscreen.


EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND - Season 5

Sure, Raymond had its series finale last spring, and we thought that was it -- we'd never see Ray Barone again. But there he was, a week or two ago, larger than life (but not larger than Kevin James) on The King of Queens. Go figure. Um, this fifth season set of Ray Barone's other show has 25 episodes on five discs.


FANTASTIC 4

I'm not that big into comic books. Sure, I like the staples (i.e. Superman, Batman), but that's about it. But since 4 is my favourite number, I figured I'd be betraying myself if I didn't give this movie a mention. That, and it stars Jessica Alba, so, um... Yeah. Widescreen and fullscreen editions are both available.


FUN WITH DICK & JANE

Originally released on DVD in 2003, this is another flick from my youth. I can remember watching this on my family's first VCR, which barely had any picture quality and was about the size of one of today's mid-size sedans. In any event, I was too young to understand or care about that whole Hanoi Jane thing. At that age, I just thought Jane Fonda was swell, although that was more due to several late nite airings of Barbarella (best... opening... credits... EVER) than this funny film co-starring George Segal. Look for the Jim Carrey-Téa Leoni remake in theatres in a couple of weeks.


IMAGINE: JOHN LENNON (Deluxe Edition)

What can I say -- documentaries don't come any more bittersweet than this. This DVD replaces an obsolete release from way back in 1997 and is an absolute must for any fan of rock 'n' roll and The Beatles. I'll have more on Lennon in a couple of days.


M*A*S*H - Season 9

The greatest sitcom not called Seinfeld is nearing the end of its DVD run with this ninth set. Only two releases are left, including the 11th season (due before next Christmas) with its legendary finale, "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen." This set includes 20 episodes on three discs.


NEWLYWEDS: NICK & JESSICA - Final Season

Only worth mentioning because this release arrives just after the gruesome twosome announced they've had all they can takes and they can't stands no more of each other. Methinks they're not alone in those sentiments. Two discs, 10 episodes and they're done.


THE ROCKFORD FILES - Season 1

I loved watching this show when I was a kid, although I haven't so much as watched a rerun since then. Can't seem to get the awesome harmonica-dominated theme song out of my head, though. Some things really are forever. The box includes 23 episodes on three double-sided discs.


THE WEST WING - Season 5

More Oval Office action (no, not the Clinton kind) from the administration of Josiah Bartlet. I have to admit I really like Martin Sheen, the actor, although I find Martin Sheen, the activist, to be somewhat annoying. But hey, that's just my opinion. This set contains 22 episodes on six Presidentially approved discs.


WORLD SERIES '05

Lessee... An American League team that hasn't won a World Series since World War I sweeps aside its opponent from the National League East. Didn't we already do that one last year? Well, sorta. We just changed our Sox for this one.


Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART X

Here are the answers to Friday's movie quote quiz, as provided by Cathy the guest quizmaster:

1) "A rich family in a small town, it makes the papers when one of them takes a shit!"
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS (1999): Spoken by Allison Janney as Loretta. This is a great comedy that also stars Kirsten Dunst, Kirsty Alley, Ellen Barkin, Denise Richards, and the incredibly funny Mindy Sterling (she played Frau in the Austin Powers movies).

2) "You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance."
THE MUMMY (1999): Spoken by Rachel Weisz as Evelyn the librarian to Beni the nasty little fellow.

3) "I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently."
CHICAGO (2002): Spoken by Richard Gere as lawyer Billy Flynn.

4) "Here's the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier."
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (1996): (Alias the funniest movie ever made!) Spoken by the (genius) Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair.

5) "Hey, I like that hat, man. They sell men's clothes where you got that?"
FOOTLOOSE (1984): Spoken by Kevin Bacon as Ren McCormack to Chris Penn as Willard.

6) "Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?"
LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003): Spoken by Bill Murray as Bob to Scarlett Johansson as Charlotte.

7) "They showed no corrections of any kind. He was simply writing down music already finished in his head. Page after page as if he were taking dictation."
AMADEUS (1984): Spoken by F. Murray Abraham as Salieri about Mozart.

8) "Yes, well, uh, as you've already said Mr. Hoover, Motion Pictures are for the people; most of the people work for a living, and they don't make much money doing it; gives them pleasure to see an official from the upper classes getting a kick up the backside. Always has, and it always will; and if that can change things, so much the better."
CHAPLIN (1992): Spoken by Robert Downey Jr. as Charlie Chaplin (Downey was robbed of the Oscar!).

9) "My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.
BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (2001): Spoken by Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones.

9a) "I never forgot that New Year's Eve when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in. I've never forgotten any of those people or any of the voices we would hear on the radio. Though the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer."
RADIO DAYS (1987): Spoken by Woody Allen as the adult narrator.

10) "You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong."
DINER (1982): Spoken by Paul Reiser as Modell.

The original quizmaster (AKA the him known as Me) returns for a special Christmas movie quiz in a couple of weeks. Until then, don't get caught under the mistletoe while you're bent over.

Stay tuned...

VIRAL HIATUS

Have been kidnapped by flu.

Sunday Crapola will return next week, once phlegm ransom is paid.

Tomorrow's movie quote answers and Tuesday's DVD release news will arrive as scheduled.

** COUGH **

** HACK **

** COUGH **

Oh, shoot me now...

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART X

It's movie quote time again but, as previously advertised, there is a guest quizmaster today.

I've previously mentioned my wife's cousin Cathy (I call her my cousin-in-law). If there is a person that is a bigger movie buff than myself, it is Cathy. Like myself, she is a writer, except that she gets paid to be funny, whereas all I get are guffaws, groans, restraining orders and the occasional death threat. Cathy writes a column for her local paper called "Spaghetti for Breakfast," which can be found here. If you like stuff that's kind of Erma Bombeck-ish, you'd be wise to pay her a visit.

Meanwhile, here are Cathy's movie quotes:

1) "A rich family in a small town, it makes the papers when one of them takes a shit!"

2) "You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance."

3) "I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently."

4) "Here's the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier."

5) "Hey, I like that hat, man. They sell men's clothes where you got that?"

6) "Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?"

7) "They showed no corrections of any kind. He was simply writing down music already finished in his head. Page after page as if he were taking dictation."

8) "Yes, well, uh, as you've already said Mr. Hoover, Motion Pictures are for the people; most of the people work for a living, and they don't make much money doing it; gives them pleasure to see an official from the upper classes getting a kick up the backside. Always has, and it always will; and if that can change things, so much the better."

UPDATE: Number 9 was actually 2 quotes accidentally stitched together -- hence the newly separated 9 and 9a.

9) "My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication."

9a) "I never forgot that New Year's Eve when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in. I've never forgotten any of those people or any of the voices we would hear on the radio. Though the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer."

10) "You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong."

Name the film and (if possible) the speaker of the quote. Cathy dares ya.

Stay tuned...