DVD TUESDAY

Wow.

For whatever reason, I seem to be writing essays today. I think it's safe to say that the writer's block that encased my head a week or two ago has disappeared. Can't... Stop... Writing...

Hmmm. It feels pretty good.

Uh, here are this week's notable DVD releases, as selected (and rambled on about) by yours truly:

Spinoffs in movies are frequently successful, even when they suck. This is generally not the case on television, regardless of whether they suck or not. For every Frasier, there are a dozen AfterMASHes. You might have seen one of these AfterMASHes recently, only for some strange reason it calls itself Joey. In any event, this spinoff slash continuation to All in the Family actually lasted four seasons and wasn't all that bad. But, with the exception of a couple of episodes, there was no Sally Struthers and no Rob Reiner (who played daughter Gloria and her meat-head husband Mike, respectively) and only one season of Jean Stapleton's wonderfully ditzy Edith (who faced the reaper after the first season). Needless to say, it just wasn't the same. This set contains 24 episodes on three discs.


This is the fourth volume from the archives of the late British comic. Okay, raise your hand if you've seen Benny Hill and you found it tasteless, sexist and vulgar? Now raise your other hand if you found it funny. Those of you with only one hand up are liars (and no, you may not go to the bathroom). The rest of you obviously know hilariously goofy comedy and a good touchdown when you see one.




This is the classic 1931 version of this story, as opposed to the 1979 RickEEE Schroeder-Jon Voight schmaltz-fest that led to so many teary eyes that then-American President Jimmy Carter had to declare a national crisis due to a shortage of saline. Jackie Cooper played the kid way back when, the same Jackie Cooper who would later become a member of Our Gang (AKA The Little Rascals), and who would later direct many TV episodes (including some of my favourite M*A*S*H eps), and who would be Perry White to Christopher Reeve's Clarke Kent and That Other Guy, and, uh, that's pretty much it as far as I'm concerned.


Tim Burton goes back to the stop-motion well (see A Nightmare Before Christmas, Mars Attacks! and Beetlejuice for further reference) for another go in this surprisingly well-received animated film starring the voices of Burton faves Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. I haven't seen it so I'll not give away the plot, which I'm not all that familiar with anyway. But it's a Tim Burton film about a dead bride starring Johnny Depp so there's bound to be some therapy in this equation somewhere.


This is the second DVD release of this Mike Newell film (for those who don't know directors, his last film was a little picture called Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). The first release, quite frankly, sucked. Widescreen, yes. Anamorphic, no. And pretty much nothing in the way of extras. Still, I forgive easily, because it's hard to dislike a film that starts with the F-word muttered about fifty times in a row. That, the new transfer, the extras and Rowan Atkinson's hilarious turn as a priest, will probably cause me to buy it all over again. Why yes, that is the word "Sucker" written on my forehead...


I only mention this release (which is half of last fall's lush 4-disc box set) because there are a lot of people who think this is the greatest movie ever made, whereas a lot of other people (i.e. People With Penises) do not concur. The PWP's think any one of Citizen Kane, Ben-Hur or Anyfilm with Exposed Female Breasts is the best movie ever made. This all depends of course, on the individual PWP's level of intelligence, his age and/or the amount of time that has passed since he last got some. Now where was I? Oh, right -- Gone with the Wind, starring Rhett Butler as a smug bastard and Vivien Leigh as a prissy bitch (back then they called them southern gentlemen and damsels in distress) in the only adaptation of author Margaret Mitchell's story of the old south. And, despite my heavily layered sarcasm, I actually do like the film. Just don't tell anyone, mmm-kay?


Before he created Sipowicz and his Partner of the Month on NYPD Blue, Steven Bochco was co-creator of this terrific cop series with a wonderful ensemble cast (including Dennis Franz -- Sipowicz himself -- who played, not one, but two characters). Good performances and strong writing will buy you a brick on the Wall of Pop Culture Immortality (who doesn't remember the late Michael Conrad's "let's be careful out there"). This program won multiple Emmy's, but it almost didn't see a second season (like Arrested Development). But back in the old days (AKA the eighties), some networks actually gave shows a chance. In the early part of the decade, NBC was the bottom feeder and had nothing to lose. Which is why this show, and a little low-rated comedy called Cheers were allowed to grow into the smash hits that they became (unlike Arrested Development). That patience almost became redundant, though, because within a couple of years, NBC was clobbering the competition with top ten shows (add to the two I've mentioned ratings successes such as The A-Team, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, The Golden Girls, Miami Vice and Night Court). Not all good shows, but people watched 'em just the same. As for Hill Street, this DVD set contains 15 episodes on three discs.


Chick Flick Alert! This movie from last year stars Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette and Shirley MacLaine in a story about what happens when men are exposed to too much estrogen. Okay, so that's not what it's about. Directed by Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential) and adapted from a novel by Jennifer Weiner, it's a story about two sisters who are total opposites and their struggle to truly appreciate each other. Or something like that. I haven't seen it, but critics thought it was pretty good, so it's probably worth a look.


I'm not a big Zorro fan. I'm not a big Antonio Banderas fan. And I'm not a big Catherine Zeta-Jones fan, although I did find her appealing in Entrapment, but then I was looking in a rear view mirror. I'll give props to this sequel to The Mask of Zorro because it was directed by Martin Campbell, who also directed the previous entry. James Bond fans will recognize Campbell as the man responsible for bringing Daniel Craig's 007 to the screen later this year in Casino Royale. He's under a lot of pressure to deliver, but then he was also the guy who gave us Pierce Brosnan's debut in the tux with GoldenEye. Which means he knows a thing or two about action movies, and you just know that a good looking guy like Zorro, who runs around with his sword in his hand, is going to see plenty of action.


This is just one of the (dozen? hundred? thousand?) Pink Panther films making their way to DVD today. The first in Blake Edwards' popular franchise, it would be followed just months later by the less colourfully titled A Shot in the Dark which, now that I think of it, would make a good title for a porn film. And while there's no hard core action in the Panther films, there are a great many scenes involving some goofy French guy who may or may not be seriously f*cked in the head. I think his name is Klue-So, or something like that. Oh, and while we're on the subject of things Pink, the classic animated shorts inspired by the films get their own special release today as well -- all 124 shorts in one nice, tidy package. There's also a box set out today that contains (most of?) the Panther films. Man, that sure is a lot of Pink.


It only ran for two seasons in the sixties, but this series showing up on DVD is relevant because it rarely turns up on the small screen nowadays. Fans of the show are bound to be dancing in the streets, since this is probably the only way they're actually going to be able to watch this show. And there better be a lot of them buying, or they'll never get the chance to buy season 2. Studios are funny that way, ya know? This set contains 32 episodes on four discs.


Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.04

(DISCLAIMER: Believe the following manipulated gossip if you must, but don't bill me for your therapy.)

No intro today, just on with the anti-celebrity fun:

GEORGE LUCAS
Seven people have pleaded guilty to piracy charges stemming from last year's leaking of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith to the internet prior to its cinematic release. Lucas was somewhat satisfied with the result, although he was disappointed that the judge turned down his request to have the seven snuffed out with Lucasfilm's newly developed working light saber.


PAMELA ANDERSON
The artificially enhanced star of barely watched FOX sitcom Stacked has lost a battle to have a bust of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Harland Sanders removed from outside of the Kentucky Capitol building. Anderson claims the company's treatment of chickens is cruel and inhumane, but her pleas went nowhere after she refused to compromise. Said Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, "Miss Anderson stated her beliefs and demanded we remove our bust. So, in the interest of fairness, I asked her to have her bust removed first."


JOAQUIN PHOENIX
The star of the Johnny Cash bio-pic Walk the Line suffered minor injuries in a car accident last week when he lost control of the car he was driving, which rolled over and crashed into another car. Most of Phoenix's Hollywood colleagues were impressed that he could come out of such an accident relatively unscathed. But a dissenting opinion was put forth by accident-prone Lindsay Lohan, who said, "big deal. Any idiot can do that."


OPRAH WINFREY
The talk show host has let author James Frey have it after revelations that parts of his autobiographical book, A Million Little Pieces, are fabricated. Oprah told Frey that it was difficult for her to talk to him because she feels duped. Winfrey has faced criticism after she chose the book for her Book Club last year, causing sales to skyrocket. But Frey showed no remorse for his actions, telling Oprah that she should have checked him out more thoroughly. Said Frey, "come on, girl, what did you expect? I mean, I was stoned and drunk when I wrote the damn thing!"


ANG LEE
The native of Taiwan was named filmmaker of the year last week by the Director's Guild of America for his work on Brokeback Mountain, which broaches the previously untouched subject of gay cowboys. Obviously not one to avoid difficult subjects, Lee will challenge another stereotype with his next film, which will be about the trials and tribulations of a troupe of straight male figure skaters.


NICOLE KIDMAN
The actress will be spending some of her upcoming free time championing women's rights after being named a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations Development Fund (UNIFEM). This is the second time Kidman has been named a U.N. ambassador. She has also served the same role for the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) since 1994, where she spoke on behalf of the little people of the world. For that role, she drew on her experiences at home, where she had three little ones (daughter Isabella, son Connor and husband Tom).

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

(CAUTION: The following may contain the minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

A few thoughts about my television and the flickering lights that emanate from it:

1) There seems to be an awful lot of people complaining that the story that is Lost ain't movin' all that much. Seriously. Go to alt.tv.lost and read all thems folks bitching that the show goes too slow and they ain't gonna watch it any more. I says good riddance, but if you're gonna go, go quietly. In other words, adios and shut the f*ck up. Go watch Farting with Celebrities or whatever the hell your brain can relate to.

2) Speaking of... Shouldn't somebody be suing FOX for false advertisement? I mean, Skating with Celebrities? Debbie Gibson? Todd Bridges!?! Somebody give me a calendar, quick. So help me, if it says 1986, I'm going to paper cut myself to death.

3) Singer Lisa Loeb is doing a reality show with the hope of finding some love. After rolling around in a men's shirt in her video for "I Do," she can't get a date? C'mon, you single guys, get with the program. Or else have the damn thing cut off, already.

4) That Dr. Gregory House is such a cultured fellow, isn't he? He gets stuck in an airport and how does he pass the time? By reading Classic Lesbian Prison Stories.

5) Invasion. Threshold. Surface. One down, two to go as far as cancellation goes. I watched the pilot of Threshold. Other than the fact that Carla Gugino is major eye candy, there wasn't one thing about it that made me watch a second episode. It was, like, dumb. It's no surprise that it was the first to go. As for the other two, Surface has had its season trimmed to 15 episodes (not a good sign), and Invasion, though it will likely make it to a full 22 episodes, hasn't exactly impressed the suits at ABC since it loses about 40 per cent of Lost's audience. Still, if any of the three is going to see season two, it's going to be Invasion, especially if the hinted at acceleration of the story lives up to its teasers. If not, at least it's going to go out with a bang.

6) Bob Barker is still doing The Price is Right. I haven't done the backwards math, but if I'm not mistaken, the man who wants your pets spayed or neutered is about 650 years old in dog years.

7) The W.B. and U.P.N. have traded in their initials to jointly become The C.W. This means a great many shows on both weblets are going to be cancelled. Some of these might have survived if not for the merger, leading the producers of these shows to try to compete with the C.W. by starting their own little network to be called The F.U.

8) Was there anything sweeter than Jack Bauer's handling of an assassin in last week's 24? I'll never look at a pair of scissors the same way again.

9) The West Wing is toast. Give ol' President Bartlet credit. He managed to make it through two whole terms without getting his intern's knees dirty. Not bad for a guy who looks just like that actor who once played JFK.

10) For Paris Hilton, fifteen minutes is turning into an eternity. [sarcasm]Lucky us[/sarcasm].

11) Speaking of reality bitches, somebody buy Nicole Richie a hamburger or two. Stat.

12) Ditto Hilary Duff.

13) Hot on the heels of the successful rescuscitation of Family Guy is a rumoured return to the idiot box of Futurama. Don't know whether it's true or not, but shares in Matt Groening Inc. went up 17 per cent last week.

14) I miss Jack & Bobby. Sigh.

15) Caught the entire Steelers-Broncos tilt last weekend, but I think I might be going soft. Ben Roethlisberger was kicking ass and Jake Plummer smelled like one, and all I could think was that Big Ben needed a shave and Jake needed a hair cut.

16) I'm still watching Ghost Whisperer. Yes, it's cheesy as hell, but it has its moments. If only the writers would give Jennifer Loves Cleavage a malevolent ghost to deal with it might get itself off the cheddar standard. They keep hinting about some mysterious "laughing man" but, as interesting as hints are, nobody likes a tease. In other semi-related news, Miss Perky Pair is supposedly thinking about doffing her garments for a pictorial in Playboy. Or she could just be saying that to get some viewers for her show. Like I said, nobody likes a tease!

17) Should I be surprised that dropping my programmable universal remote control in a sink full of water renders said remote not so programmable? Just wondering.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are today's (very few) notable DVD releases as selected by a guy who's taking Pittsburgh in the big game:

The night time soap that ruled the eighties gets its fourth release of season box sets. I've got to admit that I can't really understand why somebody would purchase a season set of a soap opera, unless it's a soap opera that involves a plane crash, a bunch of survivors, a mysterious smoky monster, strange numbers, polar bears, a hatch...





This film came out at a time when Michael Caine seemed to be in about every third movie that actually made it into theatres. Okay, slight exaggeration. But man, was the guy ever busy during the eighties. This film about a bored professor and the impact a student has on his life came out in 1983, and co-starred Julie Walters, better known nowadays as matriarch of the J.K. Rowling's Weasley clan.



I'm a huge Jodie Foster fan. I absolutely loved her in The Silence of the Lambs, and I've watched my Contact DVD so many times I've worn it out. I think I would probably enjoy watching her floss her teeth for two hours. But I'm guessing she does a little more than that in this flick that came out last year that has her daughter disappearing during a flight and poor Jodie struggling to convince everyone that the little girl even existed in the first place. Don't you just hate when that happens?

The remake that blew in and out of theatres in October gets its DVD release today. I haven't seen this version, but from everything I've read it pales when compared to the John Carpenter original, which I have seen. But it's a pretty slow week, release wise. So go nuts.







Sixties sci-fi shows almost always come with a hearty helping of fromage (think "Spock's Brain" from the original Star Trek, and pretty much any episode of Lost in Space). This series, though brief, was fairly well done. But it still had its cheesy moments. The show lasted all of one season in 1966 and 1967 and is famous for its psychedelic effect of travelling the time tunnel. A remake starring Ghost Whisperer's David Conrad made an even briefer appearance in 2002. This set contains the first half of the show's 30 episodes.

That's all. Go Steelers!

Stay tuned...

THE OSLO BUSCH MENACE

They drive with reckless abandon, whipping up and down the street with hardly a care. Sometimes you hear them coming, when they drive the big boats with the bigger engines. But more often than not, they're driving smaller vehicles, which are quieter. Sometimes you don't realize they're a threat until they're almost running you over. So sad. Crossing the street should not be a hazard, especially on a smaller residential street, but that doesn't seem to be the case where I live. At least twice a day it's dangerous to cross the street because one never knows how lead-footed these lunatics are. It almost makes you want to stay indoors, but sometimes you just have to go out and do your duty. Which means you're at risk from... them. Man, I wish somebody would tell these school bus drivers to slow down.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.03

(DISCLAIMER: The following Hollywood gossip has may or may not be true. The smart money's on not.)

My brain is still a little blocked. But the vodka's flowing, so almost anything goes.

Ahem.

Welcome to the first 2006 edition of Sunday Crapola to have absolutely nothing to do with 2005. Yes, it's a fresh year, which means nothing really, since celebrities don't need a calendar to make asses of themselves. I'd like to take a moment to thank them for their egos, their addictions and, in a few special cases, their promiscuities.

On with the fun:

REESE WITHERSPOON
The gal who twice starred as fashion expert and lawyer Elle Woods committed a most grievous faux pas at the recent Golden Globes by wearing a gown that had been worn three years before by Kirsten Dunst. Witherspoon wasn't fazed by the criticism, however. When asked about the criticism she said, "what's the big deal? I liked the dress, and it fit. Judging by everyone's reaction you'd think I was wearing Kirsten's panties, too. Which would be laughable, since I wasn't wearing any."


ANGELINA JOLIE
The United Nations poster girl and dartboard target of Jennifer Aniston has admitted that she is pregnant with Brad Pitt's child. Recent pictures of Angie showed a fuller belly, which caused Jolie to come clean. A spokesperson for Jolie said, "Angelina and Brad are thrilled at the prospect of having a baby together, but then they'd do almost anything to keep Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes off the front page."


LEIF GARRETT
The seventies teen idol was charged with heroin possession last week after police arrested him for not paying for a ticket to ride the Los Angeles subway system. Garrett was only going to be face charges for the fare jumping until an officer realized who he was. It was then that Garrett was searched for narcotics. When asked to justify the search, an L.A.P.D. spokesperson said, "when a guy calls himself Leif, you look for pot. Who knew we'd score so big?"


SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The actress caused the stir of the night at the Golden Globes when she let fashion designer and temporary reporter Isaac Mizrahi reach out and give one of her ample assets a good squeeze. Ryan Seacrest, who was only a few feet away, was stunned by Mizrahi's feel good nature, and also a little bit impressed. Said Seacrest, "that was simply amazing -- a Charlie Sheen moment if ever there was one."


MICHAEL JACKSON
The troubled pop singer was cleared this week by Federal officials after instances of animal cruelty at his Neverland ranch were alleged by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. A relieved Jackson spoke to reporters, saying that while he thinks he's always going to be a target, it still feels good to be exonerated. Jackson then invited the reporters back to Neverland for a celebratory meal of barbecued venison steak.


SERENA WILLIAMS
The defending women's champ had a bad week when she got bounced from the Australian Open by Slovakia's Daniela Hantuchova in straight sets. Williams seemed a little out of shape, not surprising considering that the size of her backside has created more talk than the whacking of little, yellow balls. Even Hantuchova got in on the act when she noted that beating Williams wasn't all that difficult, especially when Serena's big ass was keeping the sun out of her eyes.


TOM CRUISE
Scientology's biggest little stud managed to score one for himself when he managed to gain assurances from Paramount Television that they would not allow a South Park episode that mocked Cruise's sexuality to be aired in Britain. In the episode, a cartoon version of Nicole Kidman says to her animated ex, "don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet, you're not fooling anyone." One of Cruise's harshest critics also thought the episode was in bad taste, but noted that if Cruise really wanted to protect his honour, he'd make sure Paramount Pictures never aired Days of Thunder again.

Stay tuned...

PASS THE SALT & PEPPER

(Commencing barely coherent ramble)

Something's wrong with my brain. It's, um, not working, you know?

For the longest time I could write at will about almost anything. But lately, I dunno. I've got nuthin'. Sure, I was able to come up with some fiction, circa 2005. I'm sure some found it witty and inventive, if not a little slanderous.

(Is slanderous a word? Help me here...)

But other than that, my brain has not been all that co-operative. Why, I have no idea. It might be due to the post-Christmas winter blahs. Except that, so far, there really hasn't been a winter.

Or it might be because they killed off one of my favourite characters on Lost. No, that can't be it. I mean, I hated her. On the other hand, that's probably why I liked her so much.

Hmmm. Maybe I should just take a look at my brain.

Okay, here's the before image. Yup, looks normal enough. There's lobes, some veins and lots of icky stuff...

(Is icky a word? Help me here...)

See, that was way back when everything was working. Now, I got nuthin'. Wait, I already said that. See? Short term memory must be the next to go.

Maybe I'm suffering from a little bit of blogger burnout. Not from too much writing, to be sure. I haven't been firing on all ink thrusters for about a year. But then I've been busy...

So here I am in the here. And the now. Writer's block has taken over, and my brain doesn't seem to care.

And why should it? Judging by the picture to the right, it's turned into mashed potato. All starch, and no substance.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Before I get into this week's DVD releases, let me just say this about the first four episodes of this season's 24:

HOLY CRAP!!!

Ahem. Okay, I feel better now. I have to say, that show just keeps on getting better. If you've never seen it, I suggest you go rent a season (season 4 or season 2 get my highest recommendation). Best of luck tearing yourself away from your TV set if you heed my words.

That's enough for now from the Jack Bauer Admiration Society. Next meeting is Monday night at 9PM.

Now, back to the discs. Here are this week's notable releases, as selected by a guy who sleeps with a remote control under his pillow:

The fun continues with the second season of this classic, but oh so cheesy fifties series starring George Reeves as the funny looking alien guy in strange pajamas hellbent on saving our world. This set contains 26 episodes of vintage fromage on five discs.







Robin Williams pulled back his zany reins and gave a wonderfully reserved performance in this story of an English professor and the impact he has on the lives of his students. Also giving excellent performances are current TV faves Robert Sean Leonard (Dr. Wilson on House, M.D.) and Kurtwood Smith (the one and only Red Forman on the soon to be departed That 70s Show) as a father and son who aren't exactly in sync with each other.


While I'm sure Neil Patrick Harris was still, um, cute when the third season of this Steven Bochco and David E. Kelley co-creation aired, I'm fairly certain the fuzz on this peach of a series was starting to wear off. Fans seemed to think so, too, since it only lasted one more season after this one.






Robin Williams, in an Academy Award-nominated performance, torches his zany reins and goes all loopy in this kinda sorta fact-based account of the antics of DJ Adrian Cronauer when he was stationed in Vietnam. Williams sense of comic timing has rarely been better than it was in this film, in which a lot of his radio dialogue is unscripted, allowing for Williams to put his amazing improv skills to work.



The onslaught of Superman stuff continues with the second season of this Dean Cain-Teri Hatcher show. Call me crazy, but I'm guessing the onslaught's going to turn into an avalanche by June when this hits the big screen. This set contains 22 episodes on six discs.







This film starring Nicolas Cage, as a man who gets in over his head as an arms dealer, didn't even cause a ripple at the box office when it was released last year, but it was well-received by critics and will probably gain a second life on DVD. I'll certainly be giving it a peek.







By the time the third season of this show was airing, it was pretty much a no-brainer that Mary Richards was going to make it after all, right into the television Hall of Fame. This box contains 24 episodes on three discs.








This was another one of those wonderfully edgy series that FOX aired, but never really caught on. The story of comedian Christopher Titus and his dysfunctional family, it was known for outrageous performances (most notably Stacy Keach as Titus' father) and brash content -- sort of a Married... with Children meets Family Guy, only smarter than the former and, uh, less animated than the latter. This third season was the show's last, but it obviously hasn't been forgotten. This set has 21 episodes on four discs.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.02

As promised, part two of 2005, as it sort of happened. For those that missed part one, it can be found here. Enjoy!

JULY

* Sir Bob Geldof unleashes Live 8 on an unsuspecting world with the goal of raising awareness of the famine that continues to plague African nations and the female half of the cast of Friends.

* The National Hockey League ends its lockout when it finally reaches a deal with the players' union. This causes a crisis the following day in Canada when the entire country runs out of beer.

* The trial of Saddam Hussein begins, with the former Iraqi leader denying all charges a little too much. Said the smug defrocked penis spud, "you have no witnesses to my alleged crimes, heh-heh, because I killed them all!"

* Star Trek's lovable Mr. Scott, James Doohan, passes away at age 85 from pneumonia and Alzheimer's Disease. In his will, he states that, "I want my ashes sent into space on a rocket. After all, it's about bloody time somebody beamed me up, for a change!"

* London outduels arch-rival Paris to win the right to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. Delegates for the Paris bid immediately cry foul, demanding that all bribes be recounted.

* Lance Armstrong wins his seventh straight Tour de France cycling race, then retires afterwards to spend more time with his kids and his rock star girlfriend. Says Lance, "the critics said I could never pull it off, but who's eating crow now, huh?"

* Scientists discover what they believe to be the solar system's tenth planet. It is originally named 2003 UB313, but after further research reveals that the planet is lighter than most due to an atmosphere full of helium, it is renamed Megan Mullally.

* J.K. Rowling releases the sixth book in the Harry Potter series, titled Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Hoping to ride the coat tails of the Rowling novel, author Kitty Kelley also releases her unauthorized biography of Britain's Prince Harry, which is titled Harry Pot-head is a Half-Drunk Prince.

* The Irish Republican Army gives up its campaign of violence. The British parliament congratulates and thanks the IRA on their move toward peace, which allows the British military to pool all their resources to battle the even bigger domestic threat of football hooliganism.

* NASA's Deep Impact probe crashes into the comet Tempel 1. At the precise moment of impact, a voice heard on the comm at Mission Control in Houston proclaims, "hit... You sunk my battleship!"


AUGUST

* The Rolling Stones kick off their latest tour at Boston's storied Fenway Park. A diplomatic incident is narrowly averted when an English fan of the band thinks he hears a younger American fan refer to Keith Richards as a green monster. But the Brit fan turns out to be a good sport when he says, "don't worry, mate. Keef's always been that ugly."

* An Air France jumbojet overshoots the runway at Toronto's Pearson International Airport, slides into a ravine and bursts into flames. Luckily, there are no fatalities, but still the critics converge, including one intellectually impaired student of the obvious, who states that "the plane crashed because it fell into a ravine."

* Sean Astin joins the cast of 24, where he'll be playing a government agent who gets in over his head. Astin isn't worried about the role, though. Says the actor, "I was once a Hobbit, remember? I'm used to things going over my head."

* During an outing with her family, Madonna falls off a horse, causing several broken bones and a lot of pain. A representative for the pop star says, "while the accident didn't kill Madonna, it will make her stronger. I doubt it will make her a better singer, though. If falling off a horse could make you a better singer, Jennifer Lopez would have to buy the Calgary Stampede."

* The space shuttle Discovery lands safely, completing the first shuttle mission since Columbia disintegrated more than two years earlier. Discovery's launch, however, was still plagued by falling foam on the external fuel tank, leading to a re-grounding of the shuttle program. When asked how they're going to try to fix the problem this time, a NASA rep says, "duct tape. It's the only thing we haven't tried."

* Courtney Love breaches her probation and is sent back to rehab yet again. The judge in the case scolds Love by saying, "I really think you need to listen to my words this time. When I gave you probation, it was with the instruction that you should 'lighten up,' not 'light them up.'"



SEPTEMBER

* In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, gas prices across the continent go through the roof amid fears of shortages. When asked about alleged price gouging, one Mississipi gas station owner replies, "that's not fair. We're just keeping up with the Joneses. Uh, they're the folks who own the gas station down the street."

* NASA unveils a $104 billion plan to return humans to the moon. When asked how NASA could possibly come up with the money for such an optimistic endeavour, NASA administrator Michael Griffin says, "we're selling iPods in the lobby."

* Actress Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney end their marriage after only four months. Zellweger is unavailable for comment, but Chesney says a mouthful when he says, "dude, have you heard her sing? There was no chance of making beautiful music together."

* Governer Arnold Schwarzeneggar, in a not-so stunning development, announces that the state of California will legalize same-sex marriages. He also states, however, that different-sex divorce should be outlawed, because "if I ever left my wife, she says I'd end up like Bobby and Jack, whatever that means."

* Rapper L'il Kim heads to prison to begin serving a one-year sentence for committing perjury. Just before being whisked away from court, Kim becomes instantly remorseful, apologizing for lying under oath. But the judge in the case isn't swayed, saying, "it's not that I doubt your sincerity, but after reviewing the details of your case, well, let's just say that I doubt your sincerity."

* Supermodel Kate Moss is caught on video snorting what appears to be cocaine. Tabloids have a field day, calling Kate all kinds of things, with cokehead being the most polite. But a panicky Moss tries to downplay the whole thing, claiming she was actually snorting flour, leading the tabs to speculate that she might have a bun in the oven.



OCTOBER

* For the first time in sixteen months the National Hockey League plays a meaningful game. In other news, sales of tranquilizers at Canadian pharmacies dip by 70 per cent.

* The E! channel cancels Tara Reid's Taradise (formerly Wild On...), citing low ratings, despite a last ditch effort to boost ratings in its last airing by again renaming the show. The final episode, called Tara's Corning Cannonballs Do the Dominican, is watched by a grand total of 117 people, including family members and convicted sex offenders.

* The Chicago White Sox win their first World Series title in 88 years. Fans of the ballclub, obviously a little out of step with the times, get rowdy and celebrate by flipping over a police horse.

* Sixteen year-old golf phenom Michelle Wie, in her first LPGA tournament, is disqualified after apparently signing an incorrect score card after a disputed drop in the third round. Wie is obviously upset, and her mood isn't improved when a club official quips, "you see, this is why teenagers shouldn't be allowed to drive."

* In a mildly surprising development, tabloid favourite Paris Hilton ends her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. When asked why she called off the nuptials, Hilton says, "if I'd gone through with it, I don't know if I'd have been able to live with myself."

* William Shatner is taken to hospital from the set of Boston Legal and is diagnosed with kidney stones. Shatner is initially treated with painkillers while doctors discuss his situation. Unable to come to an immediate resolution, a delirious Shatner comes up with one of his own, and says, "c'mon, Scotty. Why don't you just beam them out!"

* The non-event of the movie industry occurs when Sony Pictures announces that Daniel Craig will be the new James Bond in next year's Casino Royale. Director Martin Campbell explains the choice of Craig by saying, "he's a throw back to Ian Fleming's Bond of the fifties. Which reminds me, we've coaxed Jane Russell out of retirement to be the next Bond girl."

* White House advisor Scooter Libby is indicted on several charges related to the leaked identity of a CIA operative. But even Libby is surprised when the judge adds a special charge to the list. Says the judge, "the charges regarding the CIA leak are very serious indeed. But I'm also charging you with conduct unbecoming a public official because of your moniker. I mean, who calls themselves 'Scooter' nowadays?"



NOVEMBER

* People magazine names Sahara star Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive. When asked what he thinks of the honour, a modest McConaughey shrugs and says, "it beats being the sexiest man in the morgue."

* Major League Baseball and its players' union agree on new drug testing guidelines and harsher punishments for offenders. Testing will be random and offenders will be suspended 30 days for a first offense, suspended 90 days for a second offense and traded to Tampa Bay for a third offense.

* Terrell Owens is suspended indefinitely by the Philadelphia Eagles for making comments of a less than flattering nature about his team and his coach. When asked for statement by a reporter, Owens is unrepentant. He says, "man, I'm just tellin' the truth, okay? You'd like to hear the truth, right? Let's take you, for example. You're short, fat and you've got a big nose. Would you want anyone to lie about that?"

* An obviously impaired Ashlee Simpson, upset at the level of service, goes ballistic at a Toronto McDonald's and demands that an employee kiss her feet. The McD's employees refuse because of health regulations, but they do grudgingly point out to Her Ashlee-ness that smiles are free.

* Oprah Winfrey makes her first guest appearance on David Letterman's show in 16 years. The last time she appeared, Letterman gave her such a hard time she swore she'd never go on his show again. When asked to explain the change of heart, she says, "forgiveness is good for soul. That, and he offered me fifty grand."

* Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey separate, ending a fairy tale marriage that has spent its entire existence in the tabloids. In an interview, Simpson says, "Nick is filing for divorce, saying there's 'irreconcilable differences.' I'm so upset at him for this. I mean, I don't even know what those words mean!"



DECEMBER

* Country singers Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood tie the knot after a seven month engagement. When asked how it feels, Yearwood giddily says, "I can't believe I'm finally married to Chris Gaines!"

* Filming on the sixth Rocky movie begins filming in Philadelphia. At a party to celebrate the start of filming, star and director Sylvester Stallone is flooded with questions about why he's making another Rocky. At first, he refuses to answer, but eventually he gets fed up. Says Sly, "alright, alright! I'll tell you why I'm making another Rocky movie. The fact is, I'm not getting any younger, and, and... Uh, well, I can't really remember why I'm making another Rocky movie."

* New York City commuters are hit with a transit strike, which causes a great deal of convenience for most people, but comes as a welcome relief to sports fans, since it gives them something to complain about other than the Knicks, Rangers and Mets.

* Lost actresses Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros are pulled over by Honolulu police within fifteen minutes of each other; both are charged with driving under the influence. Rodriguez is cut no slack after giving the cops major attitude. Watros, on the other hand, is pitied by the officers, not because of the DUI, but because she used to film kissing scenes with the star of The Drew Carey Show.

* Controversial Korean scientist Dr. Hwang Woo-suk resigns his post at Seoul National University amid reports that he falsified a paper in which he claimed that he had cloned several human embryos and extracted stem cells from them. His resignation was accepted by the head of the university, but not before it was confirmed that he was the real Hwang Woo-suk, and not a cheap copy.

* Ryan Seacrest assists an ailing Dick Clark with the dropping of the ball in Times Square as 2005 draws to a close. Seconds before midnight, hundreds of intoxicated male spectators salute Seacrest by dropping their pants.

Finit.

Stay tuned...

THE KIEFER FILES

A word or two to the wise:

On Sunday night, do not bother me. I will be busy for at least two hours. If you're coming to my door to sell me something, whether it be fixed rate natural gas, a vaccuum cleaner, or God, don't bother. I won't answer. Thinking of phoning me to get me to buy a redundant newspaper subscription? Also don't bother. I also won't answer.

Same goes for Monday.

Why the sudden evasive maneuvers? Because Jack's back, baby -- back for the (newest) longest day of his life.

So, in honour of the return of my favourite TV show, I'd like to take a moment to revisit the career of the Jackster himself, Mr. Kiefer Sutherland. That's right, folks. Before he was an overly stressed, sleep deprived, potty challenged Federal agent, Kiefer was a big movie star -- a non-brat packer who got lumped in with the young Hollywood horde in the mid-eighties anyway, and like most (if not all) of said horde, was all used up by the mid-nineties.

And, also like much of said horde, he got lucky and found a second life in Hollywood (see Rob Lowe, Demi Moore and, to some degree, Judd Nelson; do not see Ally Sheedy, nor Molly Ringwald). Hmm, second life. That's kind of an interesting way of phrasing things, considering how the last season of 24 ended.

WHAT?

You haven't seen it? Pfft.

Well, I'm not going to spoil it for you. That's what the rest of the internet is for.

In any case, here's a little trip through the nostalgia that is Kiefer's career, not brought to you by anyone although, if Toyota's listening, I'll gladly take a new Camry. Here goes:

STAND BY ME (1986)
Although not his first film, Sutherland's movie career really kicks off in this Rob Reiner adaptation of Stephen King's outstanding novella, The Body. Kiefer plays Ace Merrill, the leader of a group of thugs who spends his time picking on those smaller than him as well as committing the heinous crime of murdering people's mailboxes.

THE LOST BOYS (1987)
Long before Joel Schumacher sent Warner Brothers' Batman franchise swirling down the porcelain chute he actually used to make movies that didn't suck. This was one of those films. Kiefer plays the scenery chewing head of a group of teenage vampires in the first of three films he has (so far) made with Schumacher.

YOUNG GUNS (1988) & YOUNG GUNS II (1990)
These films were partially responsible for resurrecting the western, a genre of film that had spent most of the eighties in celluloid mothballs. Between the two, I prefer the second film, not because of Kiefer (who plays Bill the Kid sidekick Doc Spurlock), but because of wiseacre Arkansas Dave Rudabaugh, played to hammy perfection by Christian Slater. And, of course, there was Emilio Estevez as Billy...

FLATLINERS (1990)
The second film Sutherland made with Joel Schumacher (the third was the much more recent Phone Booth), this is the one that gained notoriety in the tabloids because of Sutherland's romance with co-star Julia Roberts, a romance that would end not long after this film's release with Roberts dumping Sutherland practically at the altar and running off with his Lost Boys buddy, Jason Patric. Even the stench emanating from this silly film, about a group of med students experimenting with near death to see what's on the other side, couldn't distract one from the soap opera that was Kiefer & Julia.

ARTICLE 99 (1992)
Sort of an updated M*A*S*H on home soil, this underrated little gem starred Kiefer and Ray Liotta as doctors in a veterans hospital fighting red tape and a corrupt bureaucrat (Frasier's John Mahoney, with a chip on his shoulder instead of a cane in his hand) to ensure the well-being of their patients.

A FEW GOOD MEN (1992)
Kiefer had but a small role in this, his second Rob Reiner film, most famous for the court room scene where hotshot young military lawyer Tom Cruise has Jack Nicholson's bullheaded Colonel on the stand and on the ropes. Nicholson's "you can't handle the truth" will live on for eternity in the annals of pop culture.

THE VANISHING (1993)
Sutherland plays the luckless boyfriend of a woman (played by Nancy Travis) who is abducted. Our man spends the rest of the movie busting his hump to find his gal in this remake of the Dutch film of the same name and directed by the same director (George Sluizer). One can almost see the seeds of Jack Bauer's intense anxiety sown here.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1993)
A fairly mediocre update of the classic story, Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell are all upstaged by Oliver Platt, who redeems the film by stealing virtually every scene he's in.

THE COWBOY WAY (1994)
A pair of cowboys get silly in this sort-of inverted City Slickers that has Kiefer and Woody Harrelson travelling to New York City in search of a lost pal. This was pretty much the end of Sutherland's career as a big budget movie headliner. From here, it was all downhill until, well, you know.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

I have to say, today's batch of DVD releases are the thinnest for a Tuesday since I started doing this schtick. It would have been a little thicker, but Once and Again - Season 3 and Beggars and Choosers - Season 1 have both been delayed, the latter for what seems like the 38th time. Those seeking a Sela Ward or Charlotte Ross fix will just have to look elsewhere. This being the internet and all, thems folks probably won't have to look far. Ahem.

Here are the discs, as barely selected by myself:

John Hughes had a terrific run in the eighties and early nineties writing and/or producing and/or directing movies, and this one just might have been the best one to have his name attached to it (he filled all three chairs on this one). Matthew Broderick turns in an amazing performance as the ultimate truant, with Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, Ben Stein (he of the "Bueller... Bueller...") and the previously recognizable Jennifer Grey along for the ride. This anamorphic widescreen release replaces the woefully inadequate disc from a couple of years ago. With apologies to the White Sox, Chicago will never be the same.


This series was way ahead of its time. Well, sort of. It lasted a single season on CBS in 1990, not long after Tim Burton's Batman kicked comic book ass at the box office. Still, it failed, despite good performances by John Wesley Shipp (in the title role) and Amanda Pays with decent special effects. But times have changed and comic book adaptations are hotter now than they've ever been. If this show came out today it would probably blow the ratings door off its hinges. This set contains all 22 episodes on six discs.


This film flew under the radar last year but got some decent reviews. So, despite the fact that the music might be a little hard for me to swallow (I've never been one for the rap and hip-hop scene), I'm probably going to have to take a look.








Wes Craven, who hadn't made anyone Scream in about five years, got the decibels going again with this film about a woman (The Notebook's Rachel McAdams) manipulated to the hilt by a nasty little man (Cillian Murphy, fresh off his creepy performance in Batman Begins) in a plot to kill an American Federal official. Producers were originally gonna make this one about a plot to kill the President, but they were afraid they'd get cheers instead of screams. (P.S. Somebody tell the Secret Service I'm kidding -- hey, get your hands off me, bucko...)


This is the sequel to the 2002 hit about an ex-military man whose quiet life as a mover of questionable goods takes a dangerous turn when he actually discovers what's inside one of the packages he's moving. Both films star Jason Statham, who is one of my current faves thanks to his performance as Handsome Rob in the ensemble that rode the same-titled remake of 1969's The Italian Job to box office gold (so to speak) a couple of years ago. Look for Statham (as well as Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Seth Green, Mos Def and soon-to-be A-List director F. Gary Gray) in The Brazilian Job in the next year or so.


Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.01

I'm not dead.

Yeah, had to get that off my chest. Sure, things have been light around here for the last couple of weeks. That's partly due to my on-again off-again head cold slash flu that seems to be in the process of signing a long-term lease. Just go away, already!

But it's also due to the fact that, as I mentioned a little while ago, I've been working on my year-end thingy. And here it is. Well, the first half, anyway. So, go grab someone you love and sit down for some Crapola. And if the person you love won't come with you? Just cop a quick feel and come back alone. You'll be glad you did -- on both counts.

Here's the first half of 2005, as it sort of was:

JANUARY

* The year 2004 officially announces its retirement.

* The USC Trojans destroy the Oklahoma Sooners 55-19 in the Orange Bowl to win the NCAA football title for the second year in a row. Says sexually-addicted actor and football fan Tom Sizemore, "not bad for a team named after a box of condoms."

* Making a rare televised appearance since her "adventure" on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee Simpson sings live during the half-time show for the Orange Bowl. Less than five seconds after Ashlee's real voice is heard, the audience pelts her with a barrage that includes cassette tapes, tomatoes and at least one terrified mime.

* 24 starts its fourth season/day, with Jack Bauer taking on terrorists who also happen to be Muslim. This offends many special interest groups who practise political correctness. In an effort to avoid offending any other special interests, it's decided by the producers that, during season five, Jack will battle space aliens and/or Dennis Rodman -- whichever is scarier.

* Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston announce that they're separating. This is just as well, since the whole Bradifer thing never really caught on.

* The U.S. government announces an end to the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To avoid mass layoffs of civilian personnel, a new group is formed with its goal being the search for a good meal for the Olsen twins.

* FOX airs the reality special Who's Your Daddy, allowing a trailer trash career stripper the chance to find out who her birth father is. In an interview a day later, an emotional Jerry Springer states that he wishes he could produce such quality programming.

* NASA lands a probe on Saturn's Titan moon, only to find it loaded with methane gases. Cowboys in Texas are unimpressed, claiming that any good campfire meal of franks and beans will produce the same gases in the same amounts.

* Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss celebrates a touchdown by pretending to moon the end zone fans of the Green Bay Packers. The fans respond by holding up a giant mirror so Moss can admire his brain.

* Airbus unveils its newest plane, the A380. The double-decker jumbojet's specs list it as being slightly larger than Boeing's 747-400 and slightly smaller than Terrell Owens' ego.

* George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term as President of the United States. To celebrate, Secret Service agents based in blue states practise the art of ducking.



FEBRUARY

* Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, which signals six more weeks of winter as well as the official opening of the Pennsylvania groundhog hunting season.

* LPGA queen Annika Sorenstam files for divorce from David Esch, her husband of eight years. Court documents show he accused her of playing a round with other men.

* Fossilized remains of an ancient crocodile are found in Australia. When asked for a comment, ageless Aussie actor Paul Hogan quips, "rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

* National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman cancels the 2004-05 hockey season after failing to come to an agreement with the players union. The next day, 55 Americans and 27,000,000 Canadians enter therapy.

* Weblet UPN announces that the current season of Star Trek: Enterprise will be its last. Millions of fans threaten to move out of their parents' basements in protest.

* Paul McCartney plays a Super Bowl half-time show sponsorted by Geritol and Oil of Olay. Afterwards, the kiddies get back on the field, with the young whippersnappers from New England prevailing 24-21 over the tater tots from Philadelphia.

* Kurt Busch wins the Daytona 500, narrowly beating out Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr. for the checkered flag. DMV and insurance favourite Lindsay Lohan gets things started by saying, "gentleman start your engines, and be happy I'm not on the road with you."

* Barry Bonds admits to taking something, but denies knowing what it was. Furthermore he denies lying about it and denies being in denial. In related news, doctors and scientists cite Bonds' case as iron-clad proof that using steroids causes brain damage. And vice versa.

* Chris Rock manages to make it through hosting the Academy Awards without uttering a single word of profanity. In a post show interview, Rock says the show was the hardest thing he's experienced since the time he guested on Sesame Street when it was brought to you by the letter F.

* At those same Academy Awards, Hilary Swank leads a Million Dollar Baby romp by winning her second career Best Actress Oscar. In her acceptance speech, she once again thanks diminutive husband Chad Lowe, now downgraded to the third biggest man that Hilary owns.



MARCH

* Ten of baseball's biggest boppers go before America's Congress to face the music on the use of steroids. Most conspicuous by his conduct is Mark McGwire, who refuses to admit anything either way while muttering something incoherent under his breath that included the words "devil," "deal" and "soul."

* Tycoon Steve Fossett sets a record by completing a 23,000-mile trip around the world when his GlobalFlyer lands in Kansas. Looking to cut costs, and citing Fossett's trip as proof that such things are overrated, several airlines announce that they will no longer be providing restrooms for passenger use.

* Bernard Ebbers, head of telecommunications company WorldCom, is found guilty of securities fraud and several other white-collar crimes that cost the company more than $10 billion. During sentencing, the Judge opts for a tougher than usual sentence for this sort of crime by calling Ebbers "a bad boy" and taking away Ebbers' cell phone privileges.

* Actor Robert Blake is acquitted of murdering his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakley. When asked if he's going to aid in the search for the real killer, Blake responds, "I would, but I don't think O.J. Simpson wants to be seen in public with me."

* Martha Stewart gets out of prison. Displaying a tougher side that she nurtured on the inside, Martha gets rid of all the executives at Martha Stewart Omnimedia and changes the name of her show to I'm Martha Stewart: Don't F*ck with Me, Bitch.

* Nearly two weeks after having her feeding tube removed, brain-damaged tug-of-war victim Terry Schiavo dies amid bitter fighting between her family and her husband over her rights. Meanwhile, politicians from both sides of the right to live or die fight spend the better part of the month with their heads up their asses, causing the public to wonder why the politicians' brains aren't damaged.



APRIL

* In a battle of schools from states that used to be owned by Michael Jordan, the North Carolina Tarheels beat the Illinois Fighting Illini to win the NCAA men's basketball title. Jordan himself cuts the ceremonial mesh down from the basket, although it takes longer than usual because Jordan's concentrating so hard his tongue keeps getting in the way.

* Prince Charles marries long-time love Camilla Parker-Bowles. The reception is disrupted, however, when a fashion-impaired and intoxicated guest tackles Camilla, grabs her by the hair and yells, "it's a man, baybee!"

* Controversial American conservative Tom Delay gets steamed at NBC for the negative use of his name in an episode of Law & Order. Days later, DeLay is peppered with endorsement offers from several laxative manufacturers.

* The extremely popular John Paul II dies, throwing the Vatican into a state of spiritual chaos. Just days later, Pat Robertson suggests the Vatican be bombed after his application to ascend to the Papacy is denied.

* Googly-eyed bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks skips town and hurriedly makes up a kidnapping story to explain her disappearance. Her fiance, obviously even more mentally unbalanced than his gal, forgives her completely and restates his desire to marry her. Seeking a ratings boost, Dr. Phil offers to treat them both.

* Mariah Carey releases her latest album, The Emancipation of Mimi. Sales go through the roof and critics rave, which causes the light-headed Carey to seek out a dictionary to find out what "emancipation" actually means.

* The Denver Pioneers beat the North Dakota Fighting Sioux 4-1 to win the NCAA men's hockey title. Officials from Denver gratefully accept the NCAA championship trophy and, since nobody's using it anyway, the Stanley Cup.

* American Idol judge Paula Abdul gets caught up in scandal when former contestant Corey Clark claims that he and Abdul had an affair and that she helped him in other areas, such as fashion choices and song selection. When asked if she slept with Clark, Abdul responds, "absolutely not. But I would if he'd just shut the hell up."

* A headline on Zap2it.com reads "Samuel L. Jackson Unleashes His 'Black Snake'." Parental groups go beserk; millions of women faint. Ron Jeremy comes to the rescue by saying "good God man -- put that thing away!"

* Law & Order: Trial By Jury is sent to the showers by NBC, thus becoming the first Law & Order: Cancelled By Network.



MAY

* More than thirty years after bringing down the Nixon presidency, Deep Throat is finally revealed to be former FBI man W. Mark Felt. All living Presidents decline to comment except for Bill Clinton, who says, "Deep Throat? Bah. He's got nothing on that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

* The fourth season of 24 comes to a close with the shocking death of a major character, then a major plot twist. One FOX affiliate gets lit up with protest calls after it cuts away from 24 early for a scheduled showing of the film, Heidi Does Dallas.

* The second season of NCIS comes to a close with the shocking death of a major character. Anticipating a large audience, CBS peppers the show with ads for its upcoming reality show, Survivor: Baghdad.

* Tom Cruise makes an appearance on Oprah and -- aw, forget it. You know what happened. It's not like I could possibly improve on it.

* The final produced film in the Star Wars saga opens in theatres. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith becomes the year's biggest moneymaker, and it would have made even more money if George Lucas had stuck to his original title for the film, which was Star Wars Episode III: Die, Jar Jar, Die.

* Danica Patrick sets a record for the highest finish by a woman in the Indianapolis 500 when she places 4th, despite the fact that she needs to sit on a barber's stool, two packing crates and a phone book just to see over the steering wheel.

* The WB cancels critically-acclaimed but ratings-maligned show Jack & Bobby. Fans start a petition in an attempt to convince the weblet to change its name to FOX.



JUNE

* Pop singer Michael Jackson is acquitted by the jury of all charges in his child molestation trial. When asked what he's going to do next, Jackson replies, "I'm going to Disney World, because that's where the children are. I mean, that's where my children are."

* The San Antonio Spurs beat the defending champion Detroit Pistons to win the NBA title for the second time in three years. In other NBA news, Larry Brown announces his intention to simultaneously coach both the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals in 2006, the only two professional basketball teams he hasn't coached.

* Actor Russell Crowe is arrested after allegedly getting angry with a New York City hotel concierge and smacking him over the head with a telephone. In response, Homeland Security bans all communications devices from commercial flights coming from or going to Australia.

* Batman Begins comes to theatres and is a box office hit, which naturally leads to talk of a sequel. Bat star Christian Bale says he's not sure about making another, though, since he never really got comfortable running around 12 hours a day in a full-body condom.

* The Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs play each other for the first time in ninety years. Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves is brought in to throw out the ceremonial first pitch, since he's the only current major leaguer who was alive the last time these two teams played.

* Football commentator extraordinaire John Madden announces he's leaving ABC for NBC. The rotund Madden, who has previously worked for CBS and FOX, also announces that he's the new official spokesperson for Campbell's Chunky Alphabet Soup.

* Kathy Hilton, mother of Paris and Nicki, gets her own reality TV show, to be titled I Want To Be a Hilton. This title was chosen after several were considered. Among the rejects were How To Raise a Gutterslut, Nicki and the Nose Job and Paris, You Forgot Your Panties.

Part Two, next Sunday.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Here are this week's notable DVD releases, as picked by a guy with far too much time on his hands:

Stifle, Edith! Yeah, that about says it all. Here's the fifth season of racially-tinged anti-social commentary from noted seventies philosopher Archocrates. Yes, the man had his take on things black and white, but if he turned up nowadays on -- oh, I don't know, pick a cable channel -- he'd merely be an amateur lost in a sea of gray. This set contains 25 episodes on three discs.




Based on the feature film of the same name, this series produced by Kenneth Johnson (The Incredible Hulk, V: The Original Miniseries) was a terrific show that aired on the FOX network, got cancelled after only one season, but deserved more. Should FOX be criticised (again) for pulling the plug on a show too soon, or lauded for having so many wonderful shows but not enough time and resources to nurture them all properly? Who knows. They did give this one a second life, though. A series of four made-for-TV movies started airing five years after the series had gasped its last breath. This set contains 22 episodes on six discs.


I have to admit, I still don't get the appeal of this early Farrelly Brothers film. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play the title roles, although years of research by some of the world's greatest scientists has yet to determine which is which. It also stars former Carrey bedmate Lauren Holly, currently doing her best to drag NCIS to an early television grave. In my totally snobbish opinion, this film is only worth watching for the hilariously brief appearance made by former NHL player Cam Neely. But then, what do I know.


The longest running scripted television series of all time, not counting any and all daffy soap operas, this six-disc two volume set (or these sets, since they are also available separately) contain 29 episodes culled from the show's twenty years on the air. If it sells well, a shelf-busting run of season box sets is sure to follow.





Before Guy Ritchie married Madonna and lost his filmmaking mojo, he made great edgy movies like this one and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (both of which starred the massively underrated Jason Statham). Of course, the same could be said about his wife. Before she met her Guy she used to make records that didn't, you know, suck. But I wish them both nothing but the best. Cough. Cough.




I've yet to see this comedy starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn about a couple of guys who sneak into weddings with the noble goal of getting laid. Casting like that, and about $210 million at the box office means the folks who made this movie did something right. I'm guessing this DVD is going to push that monetary figure a wee bit higher.





Stay tuned...

BEGINNINGS AND ENDS

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...

Hear that? That's the sound of the year running out. Only 364 more days until next New Year's Eve. Some of you should start making plans now. It helps cut down on the procrastination, which now that I think of it, would probably make a good New Year's Resolution. Thank goodness I don't do those, eh?

Anyway, 2006 is here. Later this week I will have my 2005 year in review, some of which will be, shall we say, a little bit on the silly side. Until then, I'd like to take the opportunity to say...






HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

And, to those of you actually planning to stick to that Jenny Craig-ish thing (ahem, not that all of you, uh, Resoluters(?) will actually need it), let me also say...






HAPPY NEW REAR!!!

Stay tuned...