DVD TUESDAY

I love Harold Ramis, um, as a filmmaker. He's written and/or directed in some of the funniest movies during the last 25 years.

Ghostbusters, Stripes, Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Multiplicity, National Lampoon's Vacation, Stuart Saves His Family...

Wait, scratch the last one.

Now Ramis is back with this film, which I haven't yet seen, but which I will be picking up. You see, as much as I love the movies of screenwriter-director Harold Ramis, I love the movies of actor John Cusack even more. In this case, I get to love both at the same time.

I'm guessing it's probably not on par with Groundhog Day or The Sure Thing (Cusack's first starring role), but I'll bet it's still a pretty funny flick. For it also stars Billy Bob Thornton. Any guy who can go through life with a name like that -- with a face that only an archaeologist could love -- who can still smile after breaking up with Angelina Jolie -- well, he must surely have a wicked sense of humour.

Otherwise, he probably would have voluntarily tangoed with the grim reaper by now.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

CHARMED - Season 4
This series on the WB may or may not be in its last season, although with the merger of The WB and UPN, the likelihood of its return has dwindled considerably. Personally, I ponder this show and I can't help but think that Alyssa Milano dabbles in witchcraft in real life, since magic is one of only two possible explanations for the sudden growth in the size of her chest in her early twenties.

DOG DAY AFTERNOON
This Sidney Lumet film about a bank robbery that didn't exactly go as planned was one of the earliest movies released on DVD way back in 1997. Which basically means that the original release sucked (barebones, non-anamorphic video, etc, etc). But all that is fixed now with a two-disc special edition that is bound to please.

ELLEN - Season 3
Ellen Degeneres is a funny gal who currently has a pretty good talk show going. She also had a decent sitcom that made it through four seasons during the nineties. You remember the show, don't you? It's the one that eventually had Ellen (and her sitcom character) outed as a lesbian, which shocked pretty much nobody, but created quite a media stir at the time. Just a decade later, the same circumstance would generate an avalanche of yawns. (25 episodes, 3 discs)

MONTY PYTHON'S PERSONAL BEST (4 Separate Volumes)
This series of releases is pretty neat since the contents of each volume is hand picked by the surviving Pythons. Today sees the best of Terry Gilliam (which is probably all animated), Terry Jones (which is probably all in drag), John Cleese (which is probably full of dead parrots pining for the fjords) and the late Graham Chapman (which is probably all silly) hitting shelves (the Personal Best of both Michael Palin and Eric Idle were released last year). As far as I'm concerned, there can never be too much Monty Python.

NETWORK
Just like with Dog Day Afternoon, this is another one of those classic movies that got the short end of things with an early DVD release, but is now getting some serious digital love with this two-disc special edition. The connection between the two? Both were directed by Sidney Lumet. Network was nominated for ten Academy Awards, and took home four, including Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight) and Best Original Screenplay (Paddy Chayefsky). It's a worthy addition to any DVD collection.

NEWSRADIO - Season 3
This is a bittersweet release, since it marked the end of Phil Hartman's tenure as stuffy news wag Bill McNeal came to a tragic, premature end. Despite terrific writing, this show spent three years struggling to keep an audience. It would lose that audience in the fourth season, despite the best efforts of everyone, most notably Jon Lovitz, who had the seemingly impossible job of replacing Hartman. (25 episodes, 3 discs)

PRIDE & PREJUDICE (2005)
The timing of this DVD release is somewhat fortuitous, with Keira Knightly up for a Best Actress Oscar this Sunday when the Academy Awards are doled out. The only "version" of this story I have seen is Bridget Jones's Diary, but as far as I can tell, the only thing that makes this particular version special is the use of "&" in place of "and." Don't you hate it when movie producers get lazy?

SUPER BOWL XL
Those NFL Films guys don't waste any time, do they? They've barely painted over the Steelers' and Seahawks' end zones at Ford Field in Detroit and the DVD is already hitting stores. Go Steelers figure.

THE UNTOLD STORY OF EMMETT LOUIS TILL
This film was labelled "the most important documentary of the year" by New York magazine, but I almost wish this story remained untold, since it haunts me so. That said, it's a story that should never be forgotten. Emmett Till was a black teenager who was brutally murdered after supposedly whistling at a white woman while visiting relatives in Mississippi in the summer of 1955. The incident is a ugly hash mark on the state of race relations at the time, which became even uglier with the indifferent attitude of the locals toward the murder. Emmett's bravely defiant mother insisted on an open casket so the world could see the way her son's face was so horribly mutilated. It is a vision that will be burned in my brain forever.

WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
I don't know too much about this one, other than the fact it was directed by Atom Egoyan and it fought with censors in the United States in an effort to avoid an NC-17 rating because of a torrid, three-way sex scene involving stars Kevin Bacon, Rachel Blanchard and Colin Firth. The scene stayed, and so did the Rating of Box Office Death.

Stay tuned...

REST IN PEACE, GENTLEMEN...

The entertainment world lost two more good ones on the weekend:

Don Knotts (1924-2006)
From Fife to Furley, this is one guy who had his comic timing spot on. The Andy Griffith Show had plenty of characters that were memorable, but none have endured quite like klutzy Deputy Barney Fife. They say lightning doesn't strike twice -- and they're right. As Ralph Furley, the wannabe swinging landlord on Three's Company, Knotts created a character that, while not of the stature of his crime fighting predecessor, was still a vital part of an iconic show. He also re-teamed with old pal Griffith for a few episodes of Matlock in the nineties. He will be missed.


Darren McGavin (1922-2006)
He made dozens of guest appearances in TV series and movies and is fondly remembered by many for his multiple turns as the monster-hunting Carl Kolchak during the seventies. But I'm betting even more people remember McGavin as the nutty, ranting, leg-lamp worshipping father in A Christmas Story. If the Kolchak didn't cement him in the annals of pop culture, his hilarious turn as Ralphie Parker's old man certainly did. He, too, will be missed.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.08

(DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Well, mostly. Some of it is true. Just not the parts that aren't as true as the parts that are.)

Here is this week's celebrity news, as told from the bottom of an empty vodka bottle:

LINDSAY LOHAN
The singer slash actress is peeved at the media because of its propensity for calling her a "teen queen." Lohan is trying to cultivate a more mature and sophisticated image, and thinks that the media's moniker for her is holding her back. Says LiLo, "I happen to have a huge adult following. I mean, just because they're all, like, perverted old men Googling for jailbait hotties is no reason to stick me with a 'teen queen' label."

JOE PESCI
The actor, who just returned to film after an eight year break, is breathing a sigh of indifference for not being charged with assault after a violent incident with a fan last month. Pesci was accused of belting student Juan Carlos Montenegro upside the head after Montenegro allegedly snapped a picture of the reclusive star. Pesci, for his part, doesn't understand what the fuss is about. When contacted by a reporter, Pesci said, "yeah, I hit him. So what? He should consider himself lucky. It's not like I went all 'Tommy DeVito' on him."

DANIEL CRAIG
The latest James Bond is being broadsided by an internet fan campaign to boycott his first turn in the role when Casino Royale hits theatres this November. Craig, who pondered the role for a year before accepting it, isn't fazed by the pressure of taking on the role, though. Said the actor, tongue firmly stuck in cheek, "after I'm done with Bond I want to move onto something less stressful. I'll be petitioning the British government to allow me to become the next King of England."

KID ROCK
The rapping rocker has won a temporary ban against Red Light District that prevents the company from distributing a pornographic amateur video that the recording artist partook in. The video shows the Kid Rock, along with former Creed front man Scott Stapp, being serviced below the belt line by a group of morality challenged young ladies. A spokesperson for the star spoke to reporters after the court session, saying, "Kid Rock is relieved that this injunction has been issued, but he was a little disappointed when the judge inadvertantly referred to him as 'Kok Rock.'"

CELINE DION
The Canadian and semi-permanent Las Vegas resident teamed up with Sir Elton John last Monday to perform a series of duets during a benefit for hurricane victims held at Caesars Palace. The event managed to raise over $2 million for employees Harrah's Entertainment Inc. that were affected by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita last year. Not all in attendance were fans of both singers, however. Said one woman, who managed to get an autograph when she bumped into Elton and Celine when they were talking after the show, "I can't believe I was in the company of such a famous singer. By the way, who was the skinny drag queen standing next to Elton John?"

DOLLY PARTON
The buxom country star will be attending the Academy Awards alone after husband Carl Dean refused to go with her. Parton is attending because her song, "Travelin' Thru'" from the film Transamerica, is nominated for an Oscar. There was no word from Parton as to why Dean wouldn't be attending, but a spokesperson for the Academy was able to clear up the mystery. Said the mouth piece, "Mr. Dean wanted to attend with Ms. Parton, but he just didn't think there would be enough room for the four of them."

And on that mammarable note, I'm outta here.

Stay tuned...

TURIN-ED OFF

There are only a couple of days left in the latest incarnation of the quadrennial frigid games, and for that, I couldn't be happier.

Once upon a younger day, I was a hard core sports fan. By hard core, I do NOT mean I was into athletes getting it on. Although, with the right athletes... Ahem.

No, what I mean is I was into every sport imaginable. I watched baseball, hockey, football, auto racing, soccer, horse racing, skiing, ski jumping, swimming, tennis, squash, curling -- you name it.

Now I get bored just thinking of any of those. Well, except for baseball and football. They get special exemptions.

But the Olympics? Winter or summer, it doesn't matter. Hot or cold, it's a trip to Dullsville.

Now, I will admit that I read the papers. I follow the medal counts. It's nice, as a Canadian, to see the Maple Leaf getting its due.

But watch this sludge? I don't think so.

Even the hockey is boring. Some will say it's because the Canadian team sucked icicles. Others will say it's because the American team sucked icicles. I'll say it's because the officiating was a joke and the whole concept of shutting down a major league in mid-season is tiring for the players.

Well, I've got some news for them: It ain't a picnic for some of the folks at home, either. The last thing an overly long hockey season needs is an extension.

Of course, my apathy might be due to other factors.

Maybe I'm (finally) growing up and I've outgrown the whole competition thing. Or, maybe I'm just pissed because none of my favourite TV shows are on the tube while activities that, in many cases, could barely be called sports get plastered everywhere. Say what you want about its popularity, but figure skating is not much of a sport. Nor are many of the other Olympic events that are decided by something other than a clock or a scoreboard.

Let's face it, when the "scoring" is put in the hands of humans, it becomes a popularity contest. And a popularity contest does not make for a good sport.

It's not really anything resembling intelligent entertainment, either. Some will argue with me, and that's fine and dandy. I'll just smile and say they're wrong. Then I'll tell them to eat my shorts.

You see, I'm not a good sport, either.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

From a scandal of Presidential proportions this film sprang. Watergate has become so ingrained in pop culture that every time the shit hits the Capitol building, the scandal is named "something-Gate." Which I find really irritating, for reasons I can't quite explain.

Not content with that little brick in the pop culture wall, Watergate also gave us Deep Throat -- the informer, not the porn film. For a generation nobody really knew who Deep Throat was. I'm sure there are those who hold to their claim that it was Linda Lovelace. And, from their perspective, they'd be right. But only because the eject button on their VCRs are broken. W. Mark Felt would probably disagree, however.

In any case, Deep Throat and the American Presidency will be linked forever. Which surprises me that some enterprising filmmaker hasn't recombined the two to make a movie about the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair. I can see it now, coming to a theatre near you -- All the President's (Se)Men.

Ahem.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN
The Solomon clan (or crew, or whatever you want to call them) finally get a real life visit from their boss, the Big Giant Head, played to boozing and womanizing perfection by William Shatner. Who'da thunk that Shatner could play an egotistical spacefaring dude who's a ringer with the ladies, eh? I mean, it's not like he ever played a character like that before. This set contains 27 episodes on four discs.

CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIOPATHIC SOCIAL CLIMBER
According to IMDB.com, this movie is about "a 28-year-old ad sales exec (who) stops at nothing to climb her way to the top of the San Francisco social ladder." Since it stars Jennifer Love Hewitt -- and I haven't seen it -- I can only imagine that stopping at nothing means being exceptionally perky and annoying. Now if it had been Paris Hilton in the starring role, well, you know...

MIDNIGHT COWBOY (Collector's Edition)
The 1969 Oscar winner for Best Picture gets a nice lush release with this collector's edition, which replaces the lame non-anamorphic version released about six years ago. As it always is with classic films, it's about frickin' time.

NYPD BLUE - Season 3
Is this the season where Sipowicz gets a new partner? No, wait. That was last season. I think. Pfft, how could anyone possibly keep track. The guy's had more partners than Hugh Hefner. This box has 22 episodes on four discs.

RENT (Special Edition)
Rent, the play, was (and, I'm guessing, still is) a huge box office and critical success, and won a gazillion awards. With visions of greenbacks dancing in their heads, producers of the movie version hired the guy who put Harry Potter on the screen to direct. Chris Columbus might seem like an odd choice, but the buzz is that he did a pretty good job.

STUART LITTLE 3: CALL OF THE WILD (Special Edition)
Michael J. Fox, Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis and Jonathan Lipnicki return for this third installment of the little rodent that could. Or at least their larynxes do, since this one is totally animated. It's probably just as well since Fox was tired of cramming himself into that itty-bitty mouse suit, Laurie is better at being a grumpy medicine man, Davis is tied up with running the country and Lipnicki is probably in his thirties by now.

THE WEATHER MAN
It barely made a blip at the box office, but like many other turnstile-challenged productions, this film gets a second chance to strut its stuff on DVD. Critics found it to be dark and satirical, which kind of contrasted with the marketing for the movie, which was quite a bit lighter in tone. But then, the critics said the same thing about Bambi.

Stay tuned...

BEATLES NOT FOR SALE

In a throwback to my good ol' Rant King era, I'm in a bit of a ranting mood today. But I'm not going to do it here. I've parlayed my love of all things Fab into another site, which is over there. Which is where I'm saying my piece today. If you're a Beatles fan go have a read. And if you're not, well, I have no comment. Don't want to be offending anyone today, now do I?

I'll be back tomorrow with some DVD stuff.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.07

(DISCLAIMER: The following contains X parts truth and X parts fiction. Just one more X and we're in porn territory.)

Here is this week's celebrity news, twisted into something barely distinguishable from the real thing by someone who's, um, twisted:


RACHEL McADAMS
The Canadian-born actress backed out at the last minute of a nude Vanity Fair shoot with fellow thespians Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson after deciding she didn't want her goods out there for all to see. She was replaced on the cover pic, shot by legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz, by guest art director Tom Ford, who kept his clothes on. Ford sympathized with McAdams, saying, "it's always hard for a woman to do a nude shoot, although in this case we could have just hidden Rachel behind Scarlett's wondrous pair."


TOM CAVANAGH
Some guys just can't get a break. The former star of the late and underappreciated dramedy Ed has seen his new show on CBS pushed to the sidelines after only three episodes. Cavanagh's Love Monkey was dropped due to low ratings, but an on-set insider says the show's unpopularity has nothing to do with Cavanagh, but has everything to do with the "freakishly odd casting choice of some Jason Priestley look-alike in an 'old and fat suit.'"


MENA SUVARI
The star of many an American movie has rebounded from her split from husband Robert Brinkmann last May. Suvari has apparently been dating breakdancer Mike Carrasco for the past six months. Says Suvari, "we met at a breakdancing event. He didn't know who I was or anything, and I told him a few lies to make sure things stay that way. The lovable doofus -- he still thinks he's dating a waitress from Sausalito."


SHANNEN DOHERTY
The former star of Charmed and Beverly Hills, 90210 got lucky last week after suffering only minor injuries when her Range Rover collided with another car. Doherty was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she was treated. An employee of the hospital, who requested anonymity, spoke to reporters. Said the employee, "despite her injuries, she was bitter, cantankerous and a flat-out bitch. In other words, she's recovering nicely."


ELISHA CUTHBERT
One of 24's most misunderstood characters returns to the show over the next few weeks when Kim Bauer makes an appearance. The character, played by Cuthbert, spent most of her time during the first three seasons of the show in some kind of peril. In season one, she was abducted. In the second season she was chased by a cougar and held captive by a lonely hermit. And in season three she became a temporary Counter Terrorist Unit field agent and almost got herself killed. But Cuthbert insists this brief return will be safe for Kim. Says Elisha, "Kim's just finding out her dad's alive, so I get to play Kim all emotional. There will be no more cougars. But if the show's still around in 15 years, and Kim's still single, who knows -- I might get to play one."


PARIS HILTON
The world's most notorious socialite was the target of a powdered protest last week when the militant animal rights organization PETA pelted Hilton and designer Julien MacDonald with flour in a protest against the duo's love for fur. Immediately aftwards, a defiant Hilton laughed off the incident and left to clean herself up. Said a witness, "Paris is apparently back at her hotel taking a shower. With her reputation, I'm pretty sure it's not the first time she's been de-floured."

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Only so often does a science fiction show come along with original characters, sharply written stories and special effects so bad, that a group of 7-year olds at an art camp could improve upon them. Unless it's the sixties, in which case such a show pops up every 18 months or so. Star Trek, Lost in Space, Land of the Giants, The Time Tunnel and (ta-da!) Doctor Who. Most of these shows did their run and then politely made their way to the pop culture scrap heap. But some got a second chance. Then there was the good Doctor, who didn't know when to leave, until he was told to get the hell out in 1989 when the BBC finally put the show out of its misery.

Flash forward to 1996 and the BBC, in tandem with FOX, tried to revive the show with an Americanized made-for-TV movie that did nothing more than confuse people on both sides of the Atlantic. When that fizzled into ratings oblivion, people thought Who was dead forever. But then an enterprising BBC exec named Lorraine Heggessey decided that the world was ready for another variation of everyone's favourite Time Lord. And so a new Doctor Who, to be produced by Russell T. Davies, was born.

And what a birth it was. Starring acclaimed actor Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor, and Billie Piper as his sidekick, Rose, the show ate up the Saturday night ratings on BBC1. It kept the continuity of the original show, but with several notable improvements. It had more action and much better special effects (who could forget the cheap cardboard-like sets from the original incarnation, not to mention the cheesy monsters, one of which consisted of an actor inside a suit of bubble wrap painted green). But like the original, it was well written and the performances were spot on. And there were Daleks. Lots and lots of Daleks.

As for the main man, Eccleston's Doctor is a mishmash of several others, most notably fourth Doctor Tom Baker and second Doctor Patrick Troughton. Piper, meanwhile, looked like a suspect choice to be the Doctor's sidekick. After watching the first thirteen episodes, it will be hard to imagine anyone else tagging along with the Doctor once Piper inevitably moves on.

The last episode ends with a bit of a cliffhanger. Well, sort of. Those who don't know Doctor Who probably won't know what the heck is going on. And those that do, they know what I'm talking about, anyway. Whether you're new to the Who universe, or a veteran Whovian, this is an enjoyable series for anyone with a fertile imagination.

(NOTE TO AMERICAN FANS: Since you're just now getting this show on the Sci-Fi channel, this set won't be available in the U.S. until July. If you're patient, enjoy the show as it airs. If you can't wait, there's always Amazon.ca.)


ALSO OUT TODAY:

ALL-AMERICAN GIRL - Complete Series
Comedienne Margaret Cho does her bitchy "I'm American but I'm Asian, too -- so there" thang to perfection in this sitcom from the mid-nineties that practically nobody watched. Too bad, because she's a funny gal. This set contains all 19 episodes on four discs.

CHARLES IN CHARGE - Season 1
Before there was Full House (ick, cough, spit), there was this piece of (be nice), ahem, uh, flotsam that did it's darndest to give sitcoms a bad name in the eighties. Yes, Scott Baio could still make the girls swoon. And, yes, Willie Aames was still annoying as hell. But the two obviously had something going right for them. They starred together in a cheesy teen flick called Zapped! and then they migrated to the small screen in this show that had Baio doing the Tony Danza housekeeper-like thing. It died after a season, only to be resuscitated a year later, with Chachi, uh, I mean Charles living with a different family. Included in this new family was Nicole Eggert, before she underwent certain necessary gravity straining Baywatch-able enhancements. This set contains 22 episodes on three discs.

GIMME A BREAK - Season 1
Vivacious Nell Carter fills the small screen in so many ways in this eighties sitcom about a housekeeper and the police chief's family that she raises. It was quirky, cute and a little bit Diff'rent StrokeS-ish. It also gave us Joey Lawrence. Hey, I didn't say it was perfect. This box contains 19 episodes on three discs. (NOTE: For whatever reason, this release is not yet available at Amazon.ca.)

GREY'S ANATOMY - Season 1
This show made its debut last spring, replacing Boston Legal on Sunday nights. It did so well it never gave the time slot back. This caused Boston Legal creator David Kelley to briefly consider changing the name of his show to Wally Pipp (P.S. I'm joking - seriously). But, alas, Legal made it back on the schedule... on Tuesday nights. As for this Grey's Anatomy set, it contains nine episodes on two discs.

ZATHURA (Special Edition)
From the universe that gave us Jumanji comes another game that kids shouldn't play, lest they be put in mortal danger. Or something like that. Most games just aren't fun if somebody isn't on the verge of croaking, wouldn't you say? I mean, nobody ever died playing Monopoly. Uh, did they?

Stay tuned...

A MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS SHARK

"You're much more likely to be attacked by lightning or by your own toilet than you are by a shark."

-- Peter Benchley

* * * * *

It makes for silly thinking, but that is a mighty fine quote.

And it might also be a silly thought, but where would Steven Spielberg be today without Peter Benchley?

Parallel universes being what they are, well, who knows. But one thing is for certain: Spielberg's impact on the world of pop culture would not be nearly as big had he not adapted a certain Benchley novel into a logistically-plagued, but box office busting film in the mid-seventies.

I am, of course, talking about Jaws.

The film stands out as one of the biggest selling movies of all time, especially when one takes inflation into account. When adjustments are made for such things, Jaws should still be among the top ten biggest moneymakers Hollywood has ever seen.

But what of the book? And its author?

Well, sadly, Peter Benchley passed away yesterday after a long illness. But no matter what one thinks of his novels (I've read two -- one good, one not so much), his place in pop culture history is secure. The book spent 40 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list in 1974, so it was not without its own merits. And it should stand on its own because, as anyone who has read the book will attest, it is well written and drastically different than the movie it spawned.

Different, how? Well, it's much darker (as in nastier) than the movie. The Chief Brody character has more to deal with than just a shark, and isn't shy with his anger. Also, at least one character who survives in the film becomes shark food in the book.

Was it better than the movie? Most would say probably not. I would count myself among them. But without the book, there is no movie. And without the movie, well, Spielberg still would have made it. But he may well have been muted in his success.

As for Benchley, he continued to write. And his writing continued to be filmed.

The Deep (published in 1976) hit the big screen in 1977 and starred Robert Shaw (who played the arrogant fisherman Quint in Jaws) and Jacqueline Bisset. The film did well, but became better known for Bisset's appearance in a wet t-shirt than for any scares it generated.

In 1979, Benchley published The Island, a miserable story about nasty modern-day pirates plying their trade on hapless Caribbean tourists. The next year it would appear on-screen in a film directed by Michael Ritchie and starring Michael Caine and David Warner. It was as equally forgettable.

After that, things dried up a bit for Benchley. He still wrote, but Hollywood stopped calling. His books made a comeback of sorts in the nineties when The Beast (published in 1991 and filmed in 1996) and Creature (published in 1997 and filmed in 1998) hit the small screen.

And, of course, he was much in demand when Jaws (the film) celebrated its 25th anniversary in 2000.

Benchley spent his last years as a passionate champion for the ocean and its inhabitants. He also wrote three books of non-fiction about sharks.

He will no doubt be missed by his peers, both on land and at sea. And who knows, the carcharodon carcharias may even miss him, too.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.06

(DISCLAIMER: All of the following is mostly, kinda, sorta untrue. But who knows, with some people?)

You know, sometimes people do things that are so incredibly stupid and unbelievable, that it's really hard to motivate oneself into making stuff up to top it. So today, I'm not even going to try.

That said, I would like to take this brief opportunity to nominate Mrs. Britney Spears-Federline as "Celebrity Mother of the Year." And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. That she would risk her son's life to protect him from the inconveniences of celebritydom speaks volumes about the kind of parent she is.

But I suppose I shouldn't be so hard on her.

She may be daft, but at least she's not Lindsay Lohan, who can't tell the difference between Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams so she plays it safe by hanging out with both of 'em. Or Paris Hilton, who is guilty of airing her dirty laundry all over the place, even though she's probably never washed a garment in her life and is so frequently in and out of her knickers that to name a clothing line after herself would be totally oxymoronic. Or Jessica Simpson, the former goody two-shoes Christian girl who, I'm fairly certain, fails to consult her bible before choosing the right slutty attire to wear to a Hollywood party.

And so on. And so on.

But Britney, well, she takes the cake. Marrying K-Fed and giving him full access to her bank account seemed like the height of stupidity. Who knew that the clouds would part so that another peak would be visible, and so easy to climb.

Somehow Britney managed it. So, to properly (dis)honour her, I am pleased to name her as the first member of the Poop'D Culture Hall of Shame. Sadly, there's no plaque to hang, but then it would probably just fall off the wall and hit her in the head anyway.

Just for fun, here's a quick look back at Britney's Sunday Crapola appearances, which when compared to her recent real life activity, seem almost believable:


June 12, 2005
The enigmatic pop star's Chaotic reality show drew to a close with the debut airing of Brit's latest music video. In a post-Chaotic interview, she dedicated her next album to husband Kevin Federline. The untitled record's first three singles will be called "Please Shower Honey," "You're Still Dirty," and "It's Called A 'Razor,' You Stupid Bastard."


September 11, 2005
The on-hiatus because she's pregnant pop star made the headlines recently by storming onto the set of Zoey 101 (little sister Jamie Lynn Spears' TV show) and tearing into one of her sister's co-stars. Apparently Jamie Lynn and co-star Alexa Nikolas have not been getting along, causing Britney to spill her hormones all over the place in her sister's defense. One entertainment reporter thought it might be due to post-partum depression, until it was pointed out to the doofus wag that Britney is still carrying. A Los Angeles psychologist claims to have the answer, though, saying that Spears' ungluing is more likely due to post-federline depression.


October 23, 2005
The pop singer made her first public appearance since giving birth to son Sean last month when she and hubby Kevin Federline had dinner at a Malibu restaurant. Fellow diners seemed impressed by how fit and slim Spears looked, although one smartass was heard to quip, "she'd look even better if she could get rid of the other dead weight she walked in with."


October 30, 2005
The gal who lost the title of Lip-Synch Queen to the ill-fated Ashlee Simpson has made the tabs again when she reportedly criticized hubby Kevin Federline's singing after her man had his first turn in a recording studio. A witness to it claims Britney was unimpressed by Kevin's work, after which "Kevin looked really hurt." But Federline, to his credit, is not giving up. His first album, My Wife is the Pot, and I am the Kettle will be released next year.


November 13, 2005
Still on lip-sync hiatus after the arrival of son Sean Preston, the pop star has managed to fend off a lawsuit from an aspiring songwriter. Steve Wallace claimed in an Indiana court that Spears' song "Sometimes" was ripped from a track he wrote. After a comparison in court that showed a slight resemblance between the two songs, the case was thrown out by District Court Judge John D. Tinder. Spears' legal problems may not be over, however. "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops, I Did It Again" were also played back to back in the courtroom, after which Judge Tinder recommended that Spears hang on to her lawyer in the event that she ends up suing herself.


November 20, 2005
The tabloids' mom of the moment has reportedly been told by a psychic that she'll be pregnant again within six months. According to friends, Spears always visits a psychic before making any major decisions that will affect her life. But the psychic had more to tell. When Spears asked what 2006 would be like for her, the medium responded, "you'll be carrying a child in six months... but your drifter of a husband will be an expectant father in four."

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Before I get on with the discs, let me just say that last night's 24 jumped the shark -- big time. But then this show's jumped the shark so many times ol' Jaws must feel like a landing strip at LAX. I mean, how the hell does a Federal agent like Jack Bauer get outsmarted by a 15-year old girl? Tee-hee-hee...

Okay, I've finished giggling. Here are today's notable DVD releases:

Of the classic Jack Webb shows that made their DVD debuts last August (Adam 12 was the other), this would seem to be the one that sold the best since the second season got a pretty quick release. There was a lot to like about this show about the perils faced by a pair of Los Angeles paramedics and their firefighting colleagues. Can't wait for season three. This set contains 21 episodes on three discs.



When this show first popped up on FOX in 1991 I didn't know what to make of it. Apparently, neither did the network. They canned it after two seasons, but it got a second chance when it was scooped up by then-fledgling weblet The WB, where it toughed it out for two more seasons. It was actually pretty good and probably deserved more. This first season set contains 20 episodes on four discs.




The eighties and early nineties were notorious for overly sentimental schmaltzy sitcoms that made one feel artificially good while dangerously clogging the arteries. This was one of those shows. But I can't be too harsh since it more or less introduced Leonardo DiCaprio to the entertainment world (which may or may not be a good thing) and it starred Joanna Kerns (uh, definitely a good thing). This box contains 22 episodes on four discs.


This is another in the long line of sequels to hit movies that make a bee line for the DVD rack while avoiding movie theatres like they're bubonic or something. But then who'd line up to watch the theatrical antics of, um, Nikki Deloach and Demet Akbag? Sandra Bullock at her least was never this much of a nobody.





No relation to the scary-as-hell Tobe Hooper film, this series gets mentioned here for two reasons: one, because it was filmed in Canada and two, because it wasn't half bad.









This critically acclaimed film hasn't exactly seen the same kind of respect at the DVD end of things. Criterion released this on DVD way back in 1999, but it's been out of print for several years. For the record, I'm not knocking Criterion. There is no company more respectful when it comes to releasing DVDs. But why it's taken Warner Brothers so long to release their own special edition is anyone's guess. And since I'm anyone on this site, I'm going to guess legal issues.


The release of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, and its leap to #1 at the box office, was one of those great stories in the movie industry for 2005. Unfortunately, the celebration of the movie's release was dampened when a warehouse containing props and sets from previous incarnations of Wallace & Gromit went up in smoke. A sad, sentimental loss to be sure. But since the film made more than $100 million at the box office I'm guessing the pain felt by Wallace & Gromit animators Aardman Animations was lessened somewhat.

Stay tuned...

THE NAME GAME

Silly Bowl? Sloppy Bowl? SeahawksMurderedTheClock Bowl?

It was anything but Super.

Yeah, it had its entertaining moments. Matt Hasselbeck dipsy doodling in the backfield in the first half. Willie Parker's big run from scrimmage. Antwaan Randle El making like Joe Montana, which is significant since Ben Roethlisberger wasn't up to the job for most of the game.

But Super? No way.

Still, out of all that slop, it's still worth taking a look back. Here is my take on Super Bowl EX-ELL (minus the wonderful commercials, which failed to make it to my Canadian TV):

6:05PM
The National Football League holds a parade of former Super Bowl MVPs. Some of these old guys (notably Roger Staubach and Lynn Swann) looked like they might still be able to play. Then there's Joe Namath, who looked like he came straight from Happy Hour at the local watering hole. At least he didn't try to kiss anyone.

6:13PM
Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin sing a song for the audience. A team of forensic musicologists later confirm the song to be "The Star Spangled Banner."

6:18PM
Harrison Ford talks football via Dr. Seuss' The Places You Go, somewhat appropriate since this particular Super Bowl game was held at HIS field (uh, Ford, not Seuss). Fans are left wondering about the places Ford goes, though. Like, when's he going to make it all the way back to Indiana.

6:20PM
John Madden, the rotund newly-elected member of the Hall of Fame, shares screen time with partner Al Michaels at a ratio of 2 to 1. Madden had the right two-thirds of the screen while Michaels squeezed himself into the rest.

6:22PM
In a part of the broadcast that seems to go on forever, the team captains are named for the ceremonial coin toss to be conducted by the strangely-attired Tom Brady. A TV watchers group immediately draws up a petition to have the NFL name the non-captains instead, since it will shave several wasted minutes off the broadcast.

6:23PM
Brady tosses the coin, which rolls to tails. The Seahawks win the toss and elect to receive the Lombardi Trophy. They glumly agree to receive the kick off instead.

6:24PM
ABC sends the broadcast down to the field for reports from sideline broadcasters Romy & Michele. (What? Oh. Right) Ahem, I mean Suzy & Michele.

6:27PM
The Steelers Jeff Reed kicks off to start the game, ending the longest pre-game show in NFL history. At least until next year.

6:34PM
The Seahawks punt, with the Steelers taking over on their own 20. The vaunted Steelers offence goes three and out on their first possession.

6:39PM
Michaels and Madden inform the audience that the game will feature a total of 108 footballs. This bit of seemingly useless information inadvertently causes the price of bacon to skyrocket.

6:59PM
Seahawks' kicker Josh Brown sends a 47-yard field goal dead centre through the uprights to give his team a 3-0 lead with 0:22 left in the first quarter. It would be the last time he would be so accurate.

7:14PM
The Bus arrives home. Jerome Bettis enters the field of play for the first time.

7:16PM
Antwaan Randle El catches a Ben Roethlisberger pass for the Steelers' first first down of the game. A horde of Steelers' fans waving yellow towels go crazy.

7:17PM
Hines Ward catches a Ben Roethlisberger pass for the Steelers' second first down of the game. The terrible towelers go crazier.

7:20PM
Roethlisberger is picked off by Seahawks' safety Michael Boulware. The terrible towelers wipe the tears from their eyes.

7:40PM
Roethlisberger squeaks across the goal line for a touchdown. We thinks.

7:43PM
Referee Bill Leavy verifies the touchdown via instant replay. Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren sees his blood pressure spike. 7-3 Steelers.

7:53PM
The Seahawks miss a 53-yard field goal attempt as Brown boots it (barely) wide right. This comes after some peculiar play calling and clock management by the Seahawks' offense. They couldn't have possibly done a worse job working the clock. But then, the game ain't over yet.

7:59PM
Chris Berman and a cast of thousands present the half-time report. Included are the views of Steve "How Weird Are My Ears" Young, Michael "No, I Don't Have Tourette's" Irvin and Tom "I'm The Normal Looking One" Jackson.

8:00PM
My ass goes numb. I can't move. Nothing to do with the game, but fascinating nonetheless.

8:06PM
The Rolling Stones perform three songs on a stage that barely does the pucker of Mick Jagger justice. Or, In this case, "Rough Justice." The other two songs are "Start Me Up" and "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."

8:20PM
The Stones wrap things up with an awkward and completely out of sync group bow.

8:21PM
My ass mysteriously un-numbs itself. Must have been a half-time show thing.

8:30PM
The Seahawks kick off to start the second half.

8:32PM
The Steelers' Willie Parker takes the ball on the second play from scrimmage and rumbles 75 yards into the end zone. 14-3 Steelers.

8:41PM
Josh Brown misses another field goal try for the Seahawks, this time (barely) wide left from 50 yards.

8:52PM
The Steelers advance toward the end zone, only to have the drive snuffed out when Roethlisberger throws a ridiculously bad pass right into the hands of Seahawks' cornerback Kelly Herndon. Herndon runs it back 76 yards to the Steelers' 20. Can you say momentum shift?

8:54PM
Hasselbeck throws a 16-yard pass to tight end Jerramy Stevens for a touchdown. 14-10 Steelers.

9:02PM
Nothing much is happening. Getting slightly bored, I start humming the Jeopardy theme.

9:15PM
The third quarter ends with a whimper and a yawn. Let the real fun begin, I says.

9:21PM
Hasselbeck is sacked by Steelers' tackle Casey Hampton. Momentum shifts back the Three Rivers way.

9:28PM
THE PLAY. Roethlisberger pitches the ball to Willie Parker, who reverses to Antwaan Randle El. The Steelers' receiver (and former college quarterback) throws a bomb down field right into the waiting hands of Hines Ward, who scores the touchdown. The entire city of Seattle goes silent.

9:33PM
The Seahawks continue to stumble as Hasselbeck coughs up the ball and the Steelers recover.

9:34PM
Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren challenges.

9:36PM
Referee Leavy overrules via instant replay. The pink slowly drains from Holmgren's face.

9:39PM
Hasselbeck is sacked by Steelers' defensive back Deshea Townsend. The punting team comes on the field.

9:53PM
The Steelers finish working the clock down to the two-minute warning.

9:55PM - 10:02PM
The Seahawks get the ball back, and for the life of them, don't know what the hell to do with it. Needing two possessions to score the necessary points to tie or win, Hasselbeck wastes the rest of the game on one possession. An unconfirmed report has the FBI launching an investigation into Mike Holmgren's clock management and play calling. Football fans in Seattle start lining up for the opportunity to smack Matt Hasselbeck upside the head. Elisabeth Hasselbeck cancels her brother-in-law's upcoming appearance on The View.

10:07PM
Hines Ward is named Most Valuable Player, and is given the keys to a brand spankin' new Cadillac sport utility vehicle. Steelers' coach Bill Cowher, in an emotional moment, hands the Vince Lombardi Trophy to Steelers' owner Dan Rooney, saying, "I've been waiting a long time to do this. This is yours, man."

10:15PM
I'm tired. Lights out.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.05

(DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. But that's only because it ain't true if it ain't happened yet.)

In honour of the big game today, I am doing two things. One, this week's Crapola will be dedicated to the biggest Super Bowl ever -- it has to be, because everybody keeps calling it Super Bowl XL. And two, because it's an American thing, I'm going to spell honour (and other applicable words) without a U. So, in honor of the game, here are some Sunday Crapola predictions. Please note that, should any of these predictions come true, they will be moved to a future piece to be titled, "Holy Shit! I Was Actually Right."

Here goes:

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
The Steelers' quarterback puts in a terrific performance, despite his controversial behavior days prior to the big game that saw him boozing it up big time. When asked by a smartass reporter whether he was going to be sober for game time, Roethlisberger shoots back, "hey, they call me Big Ben, not Big Bode."


MIKE HOLMGREN
The Seahawks head coach is unfazed despite the attempts of a nearby Steelers' fan to distract him by screaming the words to the Beatles' "I Am the Walrus." A couple of players come to Holmgren's defense and manage to shut the fan up by threatening to have him exposed to the locals as a Matt Millen supporter.


TROY POLAMALU
The player with the Sideshow Bob hairdo makes his mark on the big game with an earth shattering tackle late in the first half. The game is held up for fifteen minutes while the field is repaired after the tackle by the hard charging Steelers' safety leaves a six-inch deep, body-shaped divot at the fifty yard line.


AARON NEVILLE
The singer does a terrific job of singing the "Star Spangled Banner," despite being the second choice of the NFL. The league's first choice was Mariah Carey, who wanted the gig but couldn't make it because the Super Bowl interferes with her Sunday buffet.


BILL COWHER
In the dying seconds of the game, Steelers' players do the obligatory Gatorade cooler dump over their coach. Cowher, though, manages to stay dry for the most part, since his chin manages to deflect most of the liquid.


MATT HASSELBECK
The Seahawks' field general struggles as the Steelers go home with their fifth Super Bowl title. A teary-eyed Hasselbeck tells reporters, "I'm sorry I let everyone down. I take full responsibility. But mostly I'm upset that I blew a chance to appear on my sister-in-law's TV show."


MICK JAGGER
The stoic lead singer of the Rolling Stones manages to make it through the entire half-time show, despite breaking a hip, losing his false teeth and forgetting the lyrics to "Start Me Up."


TERRY BRADSHAW
The Steelers quarterbacking legend makes an appearance, despite having the weekend off with ABC televising the game instead of FOX. Bradshaw gets upset when reporters ignore him in favor of current Steelers' QB Ben Roethlisberger. A weepy Bradshaw exclaims, "hey, gang, come on. I used to have hair, too!"

Go Steelers.

Stay tuned...

THE GREAT GROUNDHOG REBUTTAL 2

On this Groundhog Day, February 2nd
(Oh, rats, not again...)

the year 2006 on Gobbler's Knob, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
(They know where they are, idiot.)

Punxsutawney Phil
(For the last time, it's PHILIP!)

King of the Groundhogs
(Okay, so get on your knees and kiss my ass.)

Father of all Marmota
(What's a Marmota, anyway?)

Seer of Seers
(Okay, fine! Take the Steelers and the points.)

Prognosticator of Prognosticators
(Yeah, say THAT three times fast.)

has been summoned by Groundhog President William Cooper
(I'm sure his family is very proud.)

Phil gleefully exited his burrow at 7:31 a.m.
(What can I say -- I'm thrilled.)

to be greeted by his longtime friend and handler, Bill Deeley
(Up yours, Billy.)

who held him high so he could greet the large throng of Faithful Followers
(How about warming those hands before you go grabbing the groundhog jewels, eh pal?)

He wished them all a "Happy Groundhog Day."
(Go home, inbreeders.)

Bill placed him atop the old oak stump where he surveyed his surroundings
(The place still looks like shit.)

He then turned to President William
(Bring that nose a little bit closer so I can take a little bite...)

and in Groundhogese
(Yeah, like you morons have the brains to speak my language!)

directed him to the scroll which reads:

Natural disasters have been a terrible thing; tsunamis,
downpours, floods, landslides, heavy snowstorms, avalanches,
frigid temperatures, sleet and freezing rain.
They all cause much destruction, suffering and pain.
(You're blaming me for those? Pfft.)

When it seems like too much with which to cope;
The coming of spring brings us new hope.
Changing seasons is a wonderful thing.
(Speaking of change, you might want to try a better deodorant.)

Now it's Groundhog Day and we think of spring.
Will Spring come early or will it come late?
(Why don't you just flip a coin so I can get some sleep?)

It's time for me to prognosticate.
As I study the sun
It's all about fun.
(Yeah, yeah. Whatever.)

But I'm sorry to say
I see my shadow today.
When my shadow I see,
Six more weeks of winter there will be!
(Hey, what happened to the first six weeks...)

Stay tuned...