DVD TUESDAY

The remade tragic tale of the big hairy ape gets remade again, this time by a man who once attended the Academy Awards dressed like a big, hairy ape.

Anyone who remembers Peter Jackson's hygienically-challenged acceptance of Best Director and Best Picture a couple of years ago will know what I mean.

In any case, who doesn't like the classic beauty and the beast tale? It was wonderfully done in 1933 (even if some of the performances are so stilted) and not so wonderfully done in 1976 (especially because some of the performances are so stilted).

Now Jackson's contributed his version, which cost a few dollars more, ran a few minutes more and starred Jack Black, Adrian Brody and Naomi Watts.

While successful at the box office, this Kong still managed to disappoint the bean counters, even though it was well-received critically. And it will probably disappoint with the DVD sales, too, since I saw a commercial telling people to "own it today," even though "today" was still one "tomorrow" away from arriving. I can only imagine how many people complied by flicking the computer on last night to download the film.

But hey, they were only following orders.

For those that did wait until today, you have your choice between a regular release and a collector's edition with all the nifty extras.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

THE CUTTING EDGE: GOING FOR THE GOLD
Disney cutie Christy Carlson Romano (AKA the voice of Kim Possible) steps into Moira Kelly's skate boots in this sequel slash remake of the 1992 film of half of the same name.

DOCTOR WHO: THE BEGINNING
The first three serials (An Unearthly Child, The Daleks and The Edge of Destruction) of the cultish and totally cheesy British sci-fi classic make their way to DVD for the first time. It might have been four, except that the BBC and their idiotic policy of purging their archives in the seventies converted the fourth serial (titled Marco Polo) into nothing more than a faint memory. It and and several other serials (totalling 108 individual episodes, in all) no longer exist.

FRIENDS: THE ONE WITH ALL THE BABIES
Having run out of season box sets, Warner Brothers, much like Paramount with the Star Trek franchise, has started to release greatest hits packages from the gang at Central Perk. This set has all the baby episodes in one neat, tidy package. Also out today are The One with All the Birthdays and The One with All the Weddings. Sadly, The One with All the Jokes About Chandler Being Gay didn't make the cut this time around.

GODZILLA (1998) (Monster Edition)
This is an updated DVD release of the Americanized version of Godzilla, which had greater special effects than the Japanese classics, but unfortunately producers spent all that money so that movie goers could experience shot after shot of the monster reptile -- from the knees down. Unless you're into lizards and suffer from a foot fetish, you'd be better off booking a trip to the Tokyo Blockbuster.

KNOTS LANDING - Season 1
This spin-off of fellow suds machine Dallas lasted fourteen seasons before finally expiring. With that in mind, I sincerely hope fans who will be buying this first season set are clearing lots of shelf space for subsequent volumes, 'cause fourteen seasons is, you know, A LOT. (Five discs, thirteen episodes)

LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE (2004)
As the title says, this is the new updated Disney version. That sound you hear is Michael Landon and Victor French taking turns rolling over in their graves.

NORTHERN EXPOSURE - Season 4
Season four out of six of this terrific dramedy is now out on disc. Which is good, because I'm suffering from severe Janine Turner withdrawal and it's just about killing me. (Four discs, 25 episodes)

PLANET OF THE APES: THE ULTIMATE DVD COLLECTION
I need a breath before I dive into this one. (PAUSE) Okay. This set includes: the original five movies (all are new anamorphic widescreen transfers, except for the first film which was previously released two years ago as a two-disc special edition; the final film, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, is an extended cut); the complete Behind the Planet of the Apes documentary (previously released -- twice); the complete live-action television series (previously released); the animated series (on DVD for the first time and available on its own here); the Tim Burton remake (previously released) and all the assorted bonus features from the previous releases. Also worth noting (for geeks who have ascended to a higher plane) this set comes in a limited edition ape head package. Dig deep, go nuts.

SIX FEET UNDER - Season 5
This set is the last for this critically-acclaimed HBO series, which went into broadcast rigor mortis last summer after only five seasons. Alas, it's true, the good do die young. (Five discs, 12 episodes)

SLIVER (Unrated Edition)
Stop if you've heard this recently -- like maybe yesterday: Sharon Stone in an erotic thriller (gee, this release wouldn't be trying to ride the coat tails of Basic Instinct 2, now would it). The sliver in the title refers to to the building that Ms. Stone's character lives in -- not the ice pick with which Ms. Stone's other character uses to get straight to the point. This film is not for the faint of heart, but that's only because it also stars Billy Baldwin, who gives a performance that defies words. Unless, the word is crappy. Somehow that one slipped through.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.11

(DISCLAIMER: The following celebrity information is an exaggeration of the truth. No malice is intended, although some of these people could use a good paddling upside the head.)

Welcome to yet another edition of Sunday Crapola, where no celebrity is safe from the slightly acidic sense of humour of this page's resident nutjob.

Here goes:

STAR JONES
The always outspoken co-host of The View has reportedly had surgery to have her breasts lifted. This latest development explains the talk show host's recent success at losing weight, since if she'd kept on the extra tonnage it would have taken a couple of really big cranes to successfully lift those puppies.

DONALD TRUMP
The real estate magnate with the terminally bad hair has added another little apprentice to his stable with the birth of his fifth child and third son. Trump himself announced the new arrival just twenty minutes after wife Melania gave birth, then rushed back to be with his wife and child. A slightly intoxicated acquaintance of the Trumps was also at the hospital, and spoke with a reporter. Said the acquaintance, "I'm happy for them, I really am, although I don't know if I could be happy for any baby born to that man. If it's a girl, Daddy will be ogling her by the time she's old enough to drive, and if it's a boy, he gets Daddy's hair. If it wasn't for the money, the poor kid would have no reason to live."

THE CAST OF THE SOPRANOS
Several cast members of HBO hit show, including Lorraine Bracco and Michael Imperioli, are in dispute with the show's producers over how they will be paid for the program's final 20 episodes. The actors feel they should be paid as if filming two seasons of the show, but producers aren't buying it. Said an HBO spokesperson, "I'm afraid that producers of the show aren't able to comment on cast pay demands at this time. But I do have it on good authority that, unless these pay demands are dropped, the producers will have everyone involved killed. (PAUSE) Uh, the characters, not the actors."

ISAAC HAYES
South Park made its return to the airwaves last week with an episode quickly slapped together by producers Trey Parker and Matt Stone that all but killed off the character of Chef, voiced by Isaac Hayes. The episode was in response to Hayes' resignation from the show, supposedly due to an episode that took potshots at cultish religion Scientology, of which Hayes is a follower. But Hayes now claims that his leaving actually had nothing to do with the Scientology controversy, but is due to the fact that, outside of the bedroom, Chef never really got to do any cooking.

TORI SPELLING
The former Beverly Hills, 90210 star has seemingly estranged herself from her family by mocking her mother's penchant for purchasing things off eBay. In an episode of Tori's upcoming reality show, So NoTORIous, the younger Spelling does a parody of her mother's eBay room, where she keeps her assortment of bid winnings. Aaron and Candy Spelling wouldn't comment, but a spokesperson for Aaron Spelling Productions did make a statement, saying "the Spellings are obviously distressed over the treatment Candy Spelling is receiving from her daughter, but they don't wish to comment at this time. I, on the other hand, think Tori Spelling is an ungrateful little BUTTerFACE."

Stay tuned...

SUIT UP!

God bless the gray area that is kinda sorta the semi-illegality of torrent files.

Why?

Well, I just downloaded and watched the pilot episode of How I Met Your Mother.

End result?

Who knew I could be so incontinent? Damn, that scotch guarding really works!

Ahem.

I can't speak (yet) for the other episodes that have aired since, but I see a lot of potential in this show. It's got engaging characters, sharp writing and an incredibly good looking cast member who goes by the name Cobie.

Um, Cobie's a girl. Honest.

The cast is led by Josh Radnor, who plays Ted Mosby, a bachelor who suffers from a severe case of naivetus aweshuckus. This condition manifests itself in his inability to see the bleedin' obvious (where hotties named Cobie are concerned), and an almost feminine vulnerability when he realizes he failed to see the bleedin' obvious (where hotties named Cobie are concerned).

Oh, and he likes olives and is wanted for the theft of a restaurant's prized Smurf penis.

Filling out the cast are Cobie Smulders (I might have mentioned her already) as neophyte newsgal Robin, and Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel, who play Ted's married (to each other) pals. The final member of the group is terminally obnoxious bachelor Barney Stinson, played with a zest that screams "give me an Emmy, dammit" by none other than the artist formerly known as Doogie, AKA Neil Patrick Harris. His problem? In his eyes, everybody has to wear a suit or they're just not quite up to standard. This is punctuated by his tendency to shout "suit up" at Ted whenever the mood, uh, suits him.

Huh? What's that? What about the title, you say?

Well, the show is framed within the narrative of Ted as he tells his children, thirty years later, how he met their mother -- who may or may not be played by a hottie named Cobie.

I did mention her, right?

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Philip Seymour Hoffman brought home the serious hardware during the recent Academy Awards for his performance in this film about writer Truman Capote. For Hoffman, his Best Actor statue is both a blessing and a curse. While it's always nice to be recognized (especially when it's of the Oscar variety), Hoffman will probably forever be known as a character actor.

But what characters he brings to the screen.

Before he was Capote, he lit up the screen as disc jockey Lester Bangs in Cameron Crowe's excellent semi-autobiographical masterpiece, Almost Famous. Hoffman played the mentor to Patrick Fugit's young William Miller.

Hoffman has also been seen in other Oscar-respected fare such as Cold Mountain, Nobody's Fool and Scent of a Woman.

Based on his recent output, he may well be on the verge of becoming one of the greatest actors of his generation. But, hey, that's just my opinion.

ALSO OUT TODAY (MOSTLY FROM THE WORLD OF TELEVISION):

21 JUMP STREET - Season 5
The adventures of undercover cop Tom Hanson (Johnny Depp, long before be became all French, weird and brilliant) continue in this fifth and final season set. (Six discs, 23 episodes)

CHICKEN LITTLE
In a little town not called Baghdad, the sky is falling. I mean, really falling. And it's up to one brave and courageous chicken -- who just happens to sound a heck of a lot like one of the doctors on Scrubs -- to save everybody's animal parts. This film (which my 6-year old has been waiting for on DVD oh, so patiently) had a pretty good voice cast, including the likes of Wallace Shawn, Harry Shearer, Joan Cusack, Patrick Stewart, the late Don Knotts and the previously sort of mentioned Zach Braff.

THE FLYING NUN - Season 1
Sally Field starred in this classic series about a young nun who had trouble keeping her feet on the ground. If she wasn't in a convent I'd have suspected drug use, this show taking place in the sixties and all. (Four discs, 30 episodes)

GIDGET - Complete Series
Sally Field starred in this classic series about a young nun... hold on, I already did that one. Uh, Sally Field starred in this short-lived series (based on the Sandra Dee film of the same name) about a young woman and her affinity for California sand. It's apparently true what they say: "Life's a beach, then you die become a flying nun." (Four discs, 32 episodes)

HUFF - Season 1
Hank Azaria stars as a psychiatrist going through his own crisis. Well, dude, come on? You had Helen Hunt and you lost her. That would drive any guy crazy. What? That's not in the show? Oh. Uh, this series also stars Apple Martin's grandma (some people call her Blythe Danner), Paget Brewster and the always wonderful Oliver Platt. (Three discs, 13 episodes)

OVER THERE - Season 1
Steven Bochco was credited as executive producer for this series that deals with the harshness faced by an American Army unit in Iraq. (Four discs, 13 episodes)

SOUTH PARK - Season 7
This release isn't really worthy of special mention, except for two things: One, the show has just been renewed for two more years (which will bring it to 11 seasons); and two, creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker (or is it Trey Stone and Matt Parker -- they're pretty much interchangeable) have declared war on Scientology, a religion slash belief system almost worthy of a severe thrashing at the hands of a silly satirical cartoon. (Three discs, 15 episodes)

Stay tuned...

HEY, WHERE'S THE CRAPOLA?

NOTICE:

Due to an incident involving a small car, a live chicken and an intoxicated member of the paparazzi, this week's edition of Sunday Crapola has been cancelled. Chernobylized regurgitation of celebrity news will re-commence next Sunday, assuming nobody questions the validity of the word "Chernobylized."

Stay tuned...

ROGER, OVER AND OUT

After...

4502 STRIKEOUTS

341 WINS

118 COMPLETE GAMES

46 SHUTOUTS

11 ALL-STAR GAMES

7 CY YOUNG AWARDS

4 K-IDS

2 WORLD SERIES RINGS

1 W.B.C. BUMMER

and

1 PIAZZA KINDLING TOSS

... it's over.

Or is it?

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

For those keeping score from Oscar night, this is George Clooney's other film. You know, the one that didn't win him an Academy Award. Not that it matters. Clooney's star has been shining bright for some time, despite the best and Battest attempts of some to dim it by covering it in latex.

Clooney seemingly had it all before he had it all. He was a successful television actor, sexiest man alive, etcetera, etcetera. Who knew he could actually act? Or direct? On Oscar night Clooney was toasted on both accounts. He was named Best Supporting Actor for his performance in Syriana and finished in a four-way tie for second as Best Director for this film.

He will no doubt have a bright future, as long as he can stay out of dark, dingy caves.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

ANASTASIA (1997) (FAMILY FUN EDITION)
This animated Don Bluth film (uh, has Don Bluth ever made a non-animate film) is about "the only surviving child of the Russian Royal Family (who) hooks up with two con men while the undead Rasputin seeks her death." Or so says IMDB.com. And while I'm sure it's a charming little fantasy, I don't know if it's a good idea to tag a story about the only surviving member of the massacred Romanovs and her being stalked some supernatural baddie (who, uh, wants her to spend more time with her relatives) as a family fun edition. Unless you're talking about the Manson family, that is. (Available as an import at Amazon.ca)

BABYLON 5: THE LEGEND OF THE RANGERS
Back in the days when a Star Trek series had viewers (two Star Trek series, actually), there was Babylon 5. Constantly compared to Trek's Deep Space Nine (both took place on space stations), it was considered by many to be superior. It ended in 1999, but creator J. Michael Straczynski tried to revive it with this pilot slash TV movie. It didn't quite work, but at least Babylon 5 fans got another volume to add to their collections.

I DREAM OF JEANNIE - Season 1
Call it what you will (a rip-off of Bewitched comes to mind, albeit a pretty darn good rip-off), but this show did three significant things: it shot the future J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman) to stardom; it traumatized Bill Daily (the affable Major Healey) so much that he sought out a shrink named Bob in his next life; and it put Barbara Eden in some very sexy clothing, which is never a bad thing. Available in original black & white and colourized editions. (Four discs, 30 episodes)

REMEMBER THE TITANS (DIRECTOR'S CUT)
Director Boaz Yakin goes all Frank Sinatra and does it his way in this recut version of the most excellent football drama starring personal faves Denzel Washington and Will Patton.

V.I.P. - Season 1
Pamela Anderson puts her Very Inflatable Pair to good use in this somewhat insipid show about a former lifeguard (well, sorta) who joins a bodyguard agency (uh-huh). They were originally going call the show I.Q. but they couldn't find any evidence of one. (Five discs, 22 episodes, zero intellect)

Stay tuned...

HE'S NOT DOIN' SO GOOD...

Timing is everything. Except when it's nothing.

Joey returned to the airwaves this week and ended up eating American Idol's ratings dust. A paltry four million viewers watched the show, forcing NBC to send the fading Friends spinoff back to the hiatus scrap heap.

It's sure to be cancelled, except that, well, what if?

What if it's cancelled and it's picked up by another network? And what if this network managed to convice one of Joey's Friends to stop by for a few episodes? And what if it totally revitalizes the show? What if NBC gave away a winning lottery ticket?

It could happen. But it probably won't.

But something is happening. And that something is the release of Joey, Season 1 on DVD on May 30. Very little in the way of hype has been generated for this release, a further sign that the peacock network is Tribbiani'd out.

* * * * *

Joey, Season 1 is currently available for pre-order at Amazon.ca.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

(CAUTION: The following may contain the minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

A few thoughts about my television and the flickering lights that emanate from it:

1) R.I.P. Kirby Puckett. I've watched a lot of baseball in my life (most of it from my favourite chair), and he was one of those guys that defined the game for me. He was short and stocky, with strong, thick legs and he played the game hard. As far as I'm concerned that's the only way to play.

2) And while I'm talking baseball, how is it that the broadcast of the Canada-U.S. game gets joined in progress -- on a Canadian sports channel, no less -- after a meaningless (to us Canuckleheads, at least) game between Panama and Cuba finishes its extra innings? I mean, how many Canadians can name more than two players on Cuba and Panama -- combined? Can you imagine a Canada-Russia hockey game being joined in progress after a game between Switzerland and Germany has played out its overtime? There'd be riots. Well, at the sports bars there would be riots...

3) The renewals of many TV series have started to pop up out of the media release woodwork. CBS has just renewed NCIS, Ghost Whisperer and How I Met Your Mother. FOX has renewed House. And over at NBC, they're considering the renewal of every show except Joey, who's apparently not doin' all that great. Even his Friends couldn't save him at this point.

4) About a month ago I decided to give Supernatural a whirl, having heard a lot of good things about it. So I downloaded, er, um, I mean acquired (yeah, that's the ticket) copies of the first fourteen episodes and I watched them all -- in less than a week. What can I say, I'm hooked. Good writing, awesome special effects, nasty little chills and some great, classic rock make this show a keeper. And the car... How cool is the car?

5) I have a copy of the series premiere of The Unit, which I have not yet seen. But I'm hoping it rocks. Even more so, I'm hoping its ratings rock, because Dennis Haysbert (former President David Palmer on 24) is good people. I'm still not buying his insurance, though.

6) Back to NCIS for a moment... Word has gotten out that, for the second season in a row, a cast member will be leaving the show after the season finale. After Sasha Alexander's shocking forehead perforation at the end of last season, I'm hoping the exiting character gets to leave on a more peaceful note. Unless it's Lauren Holly's NCIS Director, that is, in which case I want to pull the damn trigger myself.

7) This just in... Bob Barker is still alive and still hosting The Price is Right. Even though he has yet to go to that great big showcase in the sky, archaeoligists are currently making plans to have Barker carbon dated once he finally hits pray dirt.

8) Did I just read somewhere that Paris Hilton has herpes? I did? Wow! And, to think I thought she wasn't the loving type. But then nothing says I love you quite like the gift of blistered genitalia.

9) Back to NCIS for another moment... All you people who are bugging me for a release date for the season one box set can take a breather. It'll be available June 6.

10) We now wrap things up with a brief (or not so brief) rant: So I'm watching the first of two episodes of 24 on Canada's Global network on Monday night at 8PM. There's lots of action, plenty of suspense and all that other nifty violent stuff. But Global, in an act of blind stupidity, gives fans of 24 the shaft by pushing the second episode to 10PM so it can air the season premiere of The Apprentice at 9PM. All in the name of dollars, I suppose. Is now a good time to tell them that the Counter Terrorist Unit will be smoking The Donald in the ratings? Anyway, I'm dismayed at Global's lack of judgment, but since FOX is still showing it at 9PM, I change the channel and settle in for my second episode. Now, in Canada, when both the Canadian and American networks are showing the same thing, the Canadian feed is substituted for the American feed on the American channel (ya know, so the Canadian advertisers can maximize their investment). That's fine, except that whomever was responsible for restoring the FOX feed, um, didn't. I sat there, with my TV set to FOX, and Donald Trump's ugly mug up on the screen. And it stayed there for the entire hour. No Jack Bauer and no terrorists. Just mounds of the worst hair New Jersey swamp and casino money can buy. And since I wasn't able to watch the 10PM feed ('cause I work nights), all I could do was utter my best Jack Bauer-ism -- "DAMMIT!"

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

Call this one Hogwarts, 90210.

Let's face it, folks. Harry Potter's not a kid anymore. Of course, going through the scares and thrills that Harry and his micro posse face on a yearly basis would age anyone. It would also cause a lot of high school dropouts. You kids who think history class is too hard? Boo frickin' hoo. Try having a supernatural psycho trying to kill you at every turn. Why, it's almost as traumatic as calculus.

Yes, the central cast is all here although, much like the book, the movie tends to focus on Harry, Ron and Hermione (played, as usual, to perfection by Dan, Rupe and Ems), with Dumbledore (Michael Gambon), Snape (Alan Rickman) and the rest of the faculty more or less on the outside looking in. And then there's Vol--, Volde--, uh, he who must not be named, played by a sinister Ralph Fiennes.

Yes, folks, the English patient has gone to the dark side. And not a moment too soon.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

BABY LOONEY TUNES - Volume 1
Picture your favourite Warner Brothers cartoon characters (Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Sylvester and Tweety) -- in diapers. Volume 2 is also out today.

THE BRADY BUNCH - The Final Season
Ah, the last gasp of the Brady family -- or so we thought. Sure, The Brady Bunch ended with this fifth season. But "sequels" (such as The Brady Bunch Variety Hour), TV movies (I'm still waiting for The Brady Bunch Amish Adventure) and spoof remakes (thank you, Betty Thomas) abounded. Who knew that polyester would be so hard to shake?

I WALK THE LINE
Not the recent Academy Award winning biopic, but the western starring Gregory Peck and featuring music by the legendary late man in black, Mr. Johnny Cash.

JARHEAD
Before the overwhelming hype of Brokeback Mountain began, Jake Gyllenhaal was being touted for a possible Oscar nomination for his performance in this movie, where he plays a Marine sniper in the first Gulf War won by the first Bush President.

POLICE WOMAN - Season 1
When one thinks of seventies sex symbols, one would almost certainly think of Farrah Fawcett. Bah! She had nothing on Angie Dickinson, who starred in this series about an undercover cop who could be both tough and glamorous.

STAR TREK: BORG - Fan Collective
So begins the next onslaught of Star Trek DVDs. Paramount has run out of series for producing season box sets, so now they've done the music industry thing and moved on to greatest hits collections. This is the first such box, with the best Borg episodes as selected by fans. The original series will be notably absent, since resistance was not futile in the sixties. Try telling that to all those Vietnam War protesters, though. Also missing are all of Bjorn Borg's thrilling Wimbledon triumphs.

THREE'S COMPANY - Season 6
Anyone purchasing this set must be warned that it contains scenes of sexual innuendo and confusion. I know, it's shocking.

WALKING TALL - Complete Series
What, The Rock made a TV series? Um, no. This has nothing to do with the film starring the wrestling star, especially since it predates it by about twenty years. This was a series (based on the 1973 film of the same name) that aired in the early eighties and expired faster than a carton of milk abandoned in a refrigerator. It starred Bo Svenson as a lawmen who walked not all that softly and carried a big stick. This set contains all seven episodes on two discs.

Stay tuned...

A-BLAH-DEMY AWARDS

I could talk about the revelation that not all gay people are virile cowboys.

Or that Dick Cheney shot Bjork.

Or that Walk the Line is Ray with white people.

Or that Dolly Parton's head and her breasts make up about 85 per cent of her body.

Or that Jon Stewart was the fourth male lead in Death to Smoochy.

Or that cracks about Schindler's List and Munich are in bad taste.

Or that Tom Hanks will never give a speech over sixty seconds lest he take a violin to the head.

Or that Crash scored an upset.

Or that Reese Witherspoon is the Queen of Cute.

Or that if they ever make a live action movie of The Simpsons, Paul Giamatti should be cast as Homer.

Or that Three 6 Mafia have more Oscars than Martin Scorcese.

Or that I had no idea that Billy Crystal and Chris Rock went (wink) camping together.

Or that Robert Altman is living on borrowed time, but he's not giving it back.

Or that Oscar looks pretty hot in a goofy bow tie.

Or that it's apparently too late for Steve Martin's kids.

Or that Lily Tomlin should consider Oscar apparel that's not off the rack at Wal-Mart.

But I'm not going to talk about those things.

Because, frankly, these Academy Awards were a touch on the dull side. But that will happen when just about every film gets in on the hardware. Six major awards, six different films won.

What I will say about the Oscars will be brief, and I hope I don't offend the really big hairy guy (no, I don't mean Peter Jackson -- he's lost weight, don'tcha know). But what was up with Naomi Watts' dress? Who was the genius that thought that a gown that looks like it was pressed with a paper shredder would look good under the lights of the Kodak Theater?

C'mon, speak up. I know you're out there. Who's to blame? I just gotta know.

And while I'm bitching about gowns, I have one other question: What was up with the cinderblock-sized bow on Charlize Theron's shoulder? Yikes.

That's all I have to say. No, really.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.09

(DISCLAIMER: None of the following Hollywood personalities appear nude in this piece. Well, except for Lindsay.)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The buxom actress has finally said her piece in regards to the now-legendary groping she experienced at the hands of designer turned commentator Isaac Mizrahi during January's Golden Globe Awards. Johansson said, "I don't think his actions had anything to do with him checking out the 'dynamics' of my dress. Like he doesn't know how a dress works. And besides, the dress was paper thin and his hands were cold. I guess I should be happy that he didn't aim lower in an attempt to warm them up."

LINDSAY LOHAN
Herbie's favourite driver made the tabloids again last week when, at an event for General Motors, she turned sideways for photographers and her right breast was available for viewing in all its glory. Of course, this isn't the first time that the actress has suffered a wardrobe malfunction. Lohan has had her right breast accidentally exposed on at least two other occasions, leading reporters to speculate that she's doing it on purpose to grab attention. But a spokesperson for Lohan put to rest any questions about the motives of the Mean Girls star. Said the spokesperson, "in response to the speculations of most of you, let me state for the record that Miss Lohan is merely a victim of circumstance and very flimsy clothing. And to the two gentleman from Celebrity Sleuth magazine -- no, there is nothing wrong with her left breast. She's just saving that one for marriage."

JESSICA ALBA
The former Dark Angel is threatening to sue Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner after he put a picture of her on the cover of March's magazine without her permission, claiming the cover makes it appear that the actress appears inside the issue in a nude or semi-nude spread. The photo on the cover is of a publicity shot taken of Alba for Into the Blue, a film that was released last year. Regarding the controversy, Hefner is both angry and defiant. Said Hef, "what an ungrateful little bitch! In no way does this cover infer that she's nude inside. I'm fed up, I've had it. That's the last time I put a woman with real breasts on the cover!"

MICHELLE WILLIAMS
The actress, who starred alongside real-life husband Heath Ledger in Oscar favourite Brokeback Mountain, has been disowned by her ultra-conservative alma mater for her participation in the gay-themed cowboy flick. The headmaster of Sante Fe Christian School in San Diego called the film "offensive" and labelled Williams a "poor role model," in an attempt to ensure his school is not linked to the film. Williams, for her part, was more put off by the fact that the school picked on Brokeback Mountain, instead of some of her other work. Said Williams, "I did a lesbian love scene in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and they say nothing. Plus, I spent all that time on Dawson's Creek with all those pretty faces. Like, what could be more offensive than that?"

And now, for something completely truthful:

My Oscar predictions, brought to you by the good folks at the local funny farm who have decided that my mental imbalance is not a threat to society. I love you guys, especially when you take off the cuffs. Sniff.

Okay, maybe not COMPLETELY truthful (I actually like the cuffs). Here are my predictions, nonetheless:

BEST ACTOR
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The first time I saw him (in Patch Adams, an uneven film in which Hoffman gives the best performance) I knew he was destined for Oscar glory. His turn as a radio DJ in Almost Famous cemented my belief. This year he gets a statue.

BEST ACTRESS
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Really, Felicity Huffman should probably win this (but she won't) for playing a man becoming a woman becoming a man in Transamerica. Or do I have that backwards. I mean, the whole gender mishmash thing worked for Linda Hunt and Hilary Swank, didn't it? But, alas, everybody loves Reese -- especially the paparazzi, where some guys are just dying to get a picture of her.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Dillon, Crash
Sure, there's the George Clooney factor (people have almost totally, comepletely, mostly, well sorta forgiven him for that whole Batman & Robin fiasco). But, um, nope. The Academy might give Paul Giamatti a statue for Cinderella Man after he wasn't even nominated last year for his terrific performance in Sideways (to say he was snubbed would be more than an understatement). But I think Dillon will win, if only because you're not supposed to give Best Supporting Actor two years in a row to a guy starring in a boxing movie. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Finally free of her Mummy, she just looks like the most likely choice.

BEST DIRECTOR
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
My vote would go to Paul Haggis, partially because he's Canadian (that's my heart voting) but mostly because of the work he did with the ensemble in Crash (that's my head voting). As for Lee, he's an excellent director. See the next prediction for why he'll win.

BEST PICTURE
Brokeback Mountain
Again, I would vote for Crash. But the Brokeback hype is just too strong to ignore.

Also worth a prediction:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

BEST ANIMATED FILM
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Stay tuned...

OSCAR PICKS

Here are my choices for Hollyweird's yearly guessing game:

BEST ACTOR
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The first time I saw him (in Patch Adams, an uneven film in which Hoffman gives the best performance) I knew he was destined for Oscar glory. His turn as a radio DJ in Almost Famous cemented my belief. This year he gets a statue.

BEST ACTRESS
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Really, Felicity Huffman should probably win this (but she won't) for playing a man becoming a woman becoming a man in Transamerica. Or do I have that backwards. I mean, the whole gender mishmash thing worked for Linda Hunt and Hilary Swank, didn't it? But, alas, everybody loves Reese -- especially the paparazzi, where some guys are just dying to get a picture of her.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Dillon, Crash
Sure, there's the George Clooney factor (people have almost totally, comepletely, mostly, well sorta forgiven him for that whole Batman & Robin fiasco). But, um, nope. The Academy might give Paul Giamatti a statue for Cinderella Man after he wasn't even nominated last year for his terrific performance in Sideways (to say he was snubbed would be more than an understatement). But I think Dillon will win, if only because you're not supposed to give Best Supporting Actor two years in a row to a guy starring in a boxing movie. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Finally free of her Mummy, she just looks like the most likely choice.

BEST DIRECTOR
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
My vote would go to Paul Haggis, partially because he's Canadian (that's my heart voting) but mostly because of the work he did with the ensemble in Crash (that's my head voting). As for Lee, he's an excellent director. See the next prediction for why he'll win.

BEST PICTURE
Brokeback Mountain
Again, I would vote for Crash. But the Brokeback hype is just too strong to ignore.

Also worth a prediction:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

BEST ANIMATED FILM
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Stay tuned...