DVD TUESDAY

Oh, how do I describe this one?

Well, it's based on a cartoon that aired on MTV in the nineties, sort of a Lara Croft meets Barbarella, but for the younger crowd. As for the film, well, after seeing Charlize Theron decked out in a cat suit, I'm just lost for words.

Thankfully, I'm not the only voice.

Says Zap2it's Norman Wilner (because I couldn't say it better myself): "It's silly, it's pointless, and director Karyn Kusama clearly has no idea what she's doing... but if you're looking for a mindless action movie set in a dystopic future society where hot women with killer hair perform elaborate acrobatic routines in clingy leotards while blowing crap up left and right ... well, this one has Oscar cred!"

Um, wow. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?

ALSO OUT TODAY:

AMERICAN DAD - Volume 1
Seth MacFarlane's OTHER animated show gets its first DVD release. Network upfronts are in a few weeks -- when we find out what shows are coming back and what shows are being fitted for tombstones. This one will likely be coming back. (Three discs, 13 episodes)

DOCTOR DOLITTLE 3
The popularity of the first two modern Doctor Dolittles should have taught the producers of the third that if there's no Eddie Murphy, there's no movie. But they went ahead and made it anyway, in the form of a cheap direct to DVD special with Dolittle daughter Maya (Kyla Pratt) filling in for her father, who's apparently too busy making an animated ass out of himself. For those starting from scratch, a box set of all three films is also available.

GUYS AND DOLLS (Deluxe Edition)
Brando AND Sinatra? In the same film? Wow! Movies like this are why widescreen was invented. Not because it's such a visual spectacle, but because you need the extra space just to fit the egos in. In any case, Joseph Mankiewicz' classic musical gets a DVD upgrade over the release from 2003.

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY - Complete Series
Dick Wolf has obviously lost his touch. Law & Order: Trial By Jury became the first Law & Order: Cancelled By Network. As bad as that was for Mr. Wolf, the others may not be far behind, including the once untouchable original. (Three discs, 14 episodes)

ODYSSEY 5 - Complete Series
This is another one of those "goofy" sci-fi shows that probably deserved a better fate. "Complete Series" sounds so cool, except that all it usually means is that the nobody watched the damn thing. (Five discs, 19 episodes)

REBA - Season 3
One of the smartest sitcoms still on the tube, this one's a cinch to be back on The WB next season. Whoops, did I say WB? I meant CW. Don't worry, I'll be OK. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

SHOPGIRL
There was some eary Oscar buzz for both Steve Martin and Claire Danes for their performances in this film, which was based on a book that Martin wrote. The buzz fizzled though, probably because Academy voters were repulsed by the idea of the somewhat homely Martin getting it on with the much younger (and slightly less homely) Danes.

TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE
Here we go again with more reality schlock. As soon as the former Mr. Pamela Anderson graduates, I sincerely hope he goes to see his doctor. After dipping his stick in the soft spot of many a groupie -- not to mention his well-travelled ex -- I'll bet there's plenty below his belt line to keep his medicine man busy for quite awhile. Hopefully long enough to prevent Tommy from taking part in a sequel. (One disc, six episodes)

THE WALTONS - Season 3
This show was quite popular in the seventies, although I had difficulty watching anything where the characters had names like John Boy and Jim-Bob. I guess I just prefer that my hillbillies be from Beverly Hills. (Five discs, 25 episodes)

THE WEDDING SINGER (Totally Awesome Edition)
A new improved DVD edition of the Adam Sandler favourite that also starred Drew Barrymore and the overly punkified remains of an awkwardly aging Billy Idol. I kid you not.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

I'm not sure I understand the current fascination with horror movies that are made for no other reason than to test the scotch guarding on movie theatre seats.

(In case I just lost you, that was a joke about vomit and its nefarious staining properties.)

In any case, here we are again with another flick that may or may not have a plot. Rumour has it that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is examining the shooting script for evidence.

But none of that matters as long as these schlockfests continue to roll in the dinero at the movie houses. Two Saw flicks have sliced and diced their way to the hearts of movie studio accountants, with a third on the way.

Then there's this movie, which continues in that "to hell with the story, just kill everyone as much as you can" frame of mind.

Surely the fake Red Cross must be out of fake blood by now.

No?

Well, be prepared for another Hostel, then.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

DOOGIE HOWSER - Season 4
This is it -- four seasons and Doogie's done. (Four discs, 22 episodes)

EVENT HORIZON (Collector's Edition)
Just before he was Morpheus, Laurence Fishburne played a guy with a far less interesting name (Captain Miller) in this so-so sci-fi flick. But there were other good people along for the ride, most notable Sam Neill (star of two Jurassic Park films), Kathleen Quinlan (Jim Lovell's wife in Apollo 13), Jason Isaacs (Draco's dad in the Harry Potter films) and Sean Pertwee (son of the third Doctor Who and a decent actor in his own right). This collector's edition replaces the original bare-bones DVD, released in 1991.

THE KILLING TIME
Long before his life became a repititious hard day's night, Kiefer Sutherland was his big movie star. Sometimes, he even got to play the bad guy, like in this late eighties box office afterthought.

MOONSTRUCK (Deluxe Edition)
The more I see Cher act, the more I think she should give up singing. She's great onscreen (she won an Oscar for this role), but nowadays there's just something about the sound of her singing voice that almost makes me want to trade places with Sonny Bono. This release replaces the original DVD from 2003.

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Somebody once wrote that Judi Dench could get an Oscar nomination for reading the phone book. This film, about a widow who turns an old London theatre into more than the sum of its parts, was short on phone books, but the Academy nominated Dench anyway.

REMINGTON STEELE - Season 3
The third of five seasons of the show that prevented Pierce Brosnan from becoming Bond nine years earlier. And while we're on the subject of this show, just where the heck did Stephanie Zimbalist go? These days she apparently guest stars in stuff all over the place, but doesn't turn up on any shows I watch. She must be avoiding me...
(Four discs, 22 episodes)

THE SENTINEL - Season 1
This series aired for four seasons in the late nineties, although only two of them had full episode orders. Star Richard Burgi, who played Detective James Ellison -- a cop with razor-sharp senses honed in the Special Forces -- would play a pivotal part in the first season of 24. (Three discs, 10 episodes)

SWEPT AWAY (1974)
Like the parentheses say, this is the original Swept Away, not the remade stinkeroo kind of starring Madonna and barely helmed by her hubby, the guy named Guy formerly known as a movie director.

Stay tuned...

TAKIN' A BREAK

Yeah, I know.

There's been so little in the way of posting around here that I've already been taking a break. But a work schedule that, fortunately, leaves me with a lot of time also, unfortunately, leaves me with very little energy. So I'm taking a bit of a break there, too. But I'll be back in a couple of weeks to wreak havoc upon the world of pop culture. Or something like that.

DVD posts will continue, but that's pretty much it for a little bit.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

I must admit, I'm not a big Jennifer Lopez fan.

I think she's only mediocre as an actress, and her singing leaves much to be desired. And don't get me started on Gigli. But I have to give her credit for snagging a role in something of substance with this film.

Lopez plays a tough luck gal who sucks up her pride by taking her daughter and moving in with her estranged father-in-law.

But really, does the story even matter? Well, yeah -- it does, always. But, just this once, let's pretend it doesn't. Because, outside of a good story, this film has lots going for it, thanks to some excellent casting (Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman, Josh Lucas and Camryn Manheim join Lopez on set) and direction by Sweden's Lasse Hallström, who's played the heart strings with such films as Chocolat, The Cider House Rules, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and the classic My Life as a Dog.

Definitely worth a look on the people alone.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

THE BOB NEWHART SHOW - Season 3
More Bob. The world simply can't get enough Bob. (Three discs, 24 episodes)

BUGSY MALONE
A classic from my childhood, this is the second DVD release of this classic kids' gangster spoof that starred Jodie Foster and Scott Baio. Fun for the whole family.

FARSCAPE - Season 3, Collection 3
"These are the voyages..." Oh, wait -- wrong show. Uh, this set showcases the further adventures of way out astronaut John Crichton, who takes the "fish out of water" scenario to a whole new level. (Four discs, 7 episodes)

FUN WITH DICK AND JANE (2005)
Jim Carrey gets back to being zany in this remake of the late seventies caper comedy that starred Jane Fonda and George Segal. The new version also stars Tea Leoni, who is slightly less zany than Mr. Rubberface.

THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED
Actor-turned-director Bill Paxton directed this film about the 1913 U.S. Open of golf. Contrary to rumours (most of which I started), Will Smith does not make a cameo as Bagger Vance.

IN LIVING COLOR - Season 5
More terrific sketch comedy from FOX, still featuring Jim Carrey who, by this point, had made it big at the box office by chasing down pets and talking out of his ass. (Three discs, 26 episodes)

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE (10th Anniversary Edition)
This revamped release comes about to milk a little more of the green from the buying public now that the third installment of Tommy Mapother Cruise's little franchise that could is coming to the big screen. Of course, Cruise could have a little competition from his soon-to-be better half. Coming out about the same time as Mission Impossible 3 is Mission Impossible 4: Silent Scientological Birth.

THE SCORNED
If I'm reading this correctly, this is a horror movie starring several reality TV stars, such as Jenna Lewis, Bob Guiney, Ethan Zohn, Rob Cesternino, Jenna Morasca and a whole bunch of others. And supposedly they all get hacked up by some psycho killer, or something. Too bad it's only a work of fiction, though. With a body count full of bozos, it's one reality show I might actually watch.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.13

(DISCLAIMER: The following celebrity news may or may not only slightly resemble the facts as they originally happened. It's getting harder to tell the difference nowadays.)

Time for another batch of Crapola, where celebrities fall on their own swords, after which I come along and do a little twisting. What can I say, making this shit up keeps me young. Lord knows the Oil of Olay ain't working.

And so we continue:

MATT LeBLANC
Fresh off the recent news that he and his wife are divorcing, the former Friend is now facing the cancellation of the further adventures of Joey Tribbiani, as NBC gets set to bring the axe down on Joey. But it's not a total loss for the actor, since on-set insiders are saying that LeBlanc is romancing co-star Andrea Anders, who plays his neighbour. LeBlanc himself confirmed as much, telling a reporter that "the show is probably going to be cancelled, and the producers said I could take home any one item from the set. So I picked Andrea."

NAOMI CAMPBELL
The supermodel with the barely distinguishable fuse is denying claims that she hit one of her assistants with a cell phone. The incident supposedly came about after Campbell accused the employee of stealing a pair of jeans. This is the third such incident for the model, who has a history of throwing phones at her assistants. Her latest shenanigans could cause her some trouble, as she could face up to seven years in prison. On the other hand, if she can get some movement on her throws, she could end up with a spot in the New York Mets' bullpen.

KATIE HOLMES
Everybody's favourite pregnant Scientologist-in-training is just about ready pop out her little one, and if the followers of her new religion get her way, it will be a silent birth. This has created some controversy in the birthing community, but fellow Scientologist Kelly Preston says everybody has it wrong. Says Mrs. Travolta, "giving birth hurts, so of course she's going to groan and yell. But Katie has to keep it as quiet as possible and avoid saying certain phrases and words. She just can't be cursing when the baby's born -- she gets to save those words for Tom after they're married."

BARRY BONDS
The controversial slugger's TV show, Bonds on Bonds, premiered on ESPN2 recently, with a seemingly tired Bonds stating that baseball "can take me down, I don't really care." This was followed by Bonds getting all emotional to the point of crying. But baseball officials aren't buying it. In response to Bonds' tear duct malfunction, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced that, along with banned performance enhancers, players will also now be subjected to testing for abnormal levels of estrogen.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys..."

And now, at last, we know why.

Controversy abounds with this tale of two ranch hands who spent a lot of time with their hands on a lot more than the ranch. I mean, the world is ready for a lot of things, but gay cowboys?

Say it ain't so.

Thanks to the nefarious written work of Annie Proulx and the camera work of Ang Lee, one of America's greatest stereotypes has been shot to hell. The American right may never recover.

Sure, they can (barely) stomach a lot of things. Roe vs. Wade and eight years of William Jefferson Clinton immediately come to mind. But gay cowboys?

Conservatives must just be beside themselves. What's next, Hillary back in the White House? Surely that would just be too, too much.

Now, please excuse me while I extract my tongue from my cheek.

ALSO OUT TODAY:


9 TO 5 (Sexist, Egotistical, Lying, Hypocritical Bigot Edition)
Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda live every downtrodden office worker's dream when they take their "sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot" of a boss (AKA Dabney Coleman) and string him up by his, um, uh, yeah. This release replaces the original DVD released in 2001. On a more trivial note, this movie was spun off into a TV series -- twice!

THE A-TEAM - Season 4
This show was the TV equivalent of a boy band when it aired in the eighties -- people went ga-ga over it, and it became the most popular show on television. But just a few years later it was in the midst of an unstoppable slide in the other direction. Sadly (or not), only one more season after this one and it was done. Still, as dopey as it was, The A-Team was a fun ride. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

CRASH (2005) (Director's Cut)
The film that pushed Brokeback Mountain aside to scoop the Best Picture Oscar gets its second DVD release in the last couple of months with this recut edition. But I'm more interested in the timing of this release. It can't be coincidence that both films see major DVD releases on the same day, can it? On the other hand, maybe I've just been spending too much time in The Twilight Zone.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH & THE WARDROBE
Disney gets it right with this adaptation of the classic C.S. Lewis novel, which did boffo biz at the box office during the Christmas season (a sequel based on the next book in the series, Prince Caspian, is in pre-production). Also available today is a loaded to the lions' teeth collector's edition.

THE GLAMOUR COLLECTIONS
Carole Lombard, Marlene Dietrich and Mae West get their due in three separate collections spanning a total of sixteen movies. The late twenties and early thirties may have been short on cash, but there was definitely no shortage of sexy. The Lombard set includes Hands Across the Table, Love Before Breakfast, True Confession, The Princess Comes Across, We're Not Dressing and Man of the World. The Dietrich set includes Morocco, Blonde Venus, The Devil Is a Woman, Flame of New Orleans and Golden Earrings. The West set includes Night After Night, I'm No Angel, Goin' to Town, Go West Young Man and My Little Chickadee.

KNIGHT RIDER - Season 4
And K.I.T.T. talks no more. This is the final season set of this quirky (some would say cheesy) eighties series about a surgically altered ex-cop with a new identity, his talking Trans-Am and their fight for justice. Twenty years later this show has "guilty pleasure" written all over it. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

MAGNUM P.I. - Season 4
This fourth season set marks the halfway point for Tom Selleck's pop culture classic, which maintained Hawaii's presence on prime time television just as Steve McGarrett and the boys at Hawaii Five-O were calling it quits.

THE MEL BROOKS COLLECTION
They say laughter is good for the heart, but I don't know if viewing this set is a good idea for anyone with a history of heart problems -- they just might laugh themselves to death. The set includes Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, To Be or Not to Be, History of the World Part I, The Twelve Chairs, and High Anxiety.

PORTRAIT OF COURAGE: THE UNTOLD STORY OF FLIGHT 93
The "portrait of courage" part I get -- it's only been drilled into everybody's head by the media for the last four and a half years. But the untold story? It hardly seems likely that there's anything of significance that isn't already known about this tragedy. But now I'm kind of curious.

STAR TREK: TIME TRAVEL - Fan Collective
The Paramounters continue their repackaging of the Star Trek franchise with this second themed collection, centred around multiple abuses of the space-time continuum by the various wayward personnel from Starfleet and the United Federation of Planets. There's some good stuff here, to be sure (including the original series' "The City on the Edge of Forever," The Next Generation's "Yesterday's Enterprise" and "Time's Arrow," Deep Space Nine's "Little Green Men" and "Trials and Tribble-ations," and Voyager's "Year of Hell"). Unfortunately, one of my faves didn't make the cut (Voyager's "Future's End," with guest appearances by Ed Begley Jr. and Sarah Silverman).

TRIUMPH OF THE WILL (Special Edition)
Just a little on the controversial side, this is Leni Riefenstahl's classic propaganda piece that gives some insight as to the notorious rise of the infamous Third Reich.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.12

Here it is, another Sunday, when I'm supposed to be layin' on the brown smelly stuff nice and thick, but I don't think I want to do that today -- mostly because I should have been doing it yesterday.

For a guy like me, April Fools' Day should be a national holiday. And yesterday sort of was, since I took the day off from playing pranks. Well, mostly off. I did write a little something about Desperate Housewives being cancelled, or something. I think that was a prank, but I'm not really sure. It might have just been wishful thinking.

In any case, it is time for some Crapola. But rather than write some new stuff, I thought I'd revisit a couple of my past April Fools' writings. One has to do with a little grunge band and its possible resurrection, while the other has something to do with a sci-fi movie classic morphing into a TV series -- which is now actually going to happen.

Here they are, my contributions to April Fools, uh, dom. Huh. April Foolsdom... It don't sound right, but it will do. Here are the links:

"HECK, IF THE BEATLES COULD DO IT..." (April 1, 2005)

"A NEW HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL" (April 1, 2004)

Those were mine. This one's not, but it's pretty good:

"BEATLES' SIBLINGS TO LAUNCH "HERE COMES THE SONS" TOUR (April 1, 2006)

Now back to your regularly scheduled whatever.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

(CAUTION: The following may contain the minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

A few thoughts about my television and the flickering lights that emanate from it:

1) Many a show has jumped the shark, but none do it quite like 24. Whereas most shows have that one defining moment where it straps on the waterskis and sails over the great white, 24 lines the big fishies up like school buses and then jumps them Evel Knievel style.

2) Okay, dude. Just who the f*ck are you if you aren't Henry Gale?

3) Matt LeBlanc and his wife are getting a divorce. It's a good thing he's got good old Joey or, um, never mind.

4) This just in from CNN... Jill Carroll looks better without the glasses. Lisa Loeb she ain't.

5) So I'm flipping channels yesterday and I come across Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, a disastrous sequel to a disaster movie if ever there was one. I watched mesmerized for about thirty minutes while such notable acting folk as Michael Caine, Sally Field, Peter Boyle and Telly Savalas chewed up the scenery like it was a pack of acid-laced bubble gum. Then there was this familiar looking young guy in the background who looked a lot like... Mark Harmon? In a stinker like that? Say it ain't so, Jethro.

6) Speaking of Jethro, has anyone seen Max Baer Jr. lately?

7) Patrick Dempsey ain't all that McDreamy. But then I like girls.

8) And while I'm watching ABC on a Sunday night, I just can't believe they cancelled Desperate Housewives already! I mean, it's only the beginning of April -- why not wait 'til the end of the TV season?

9) Don'tcha just love the Discovery Channel? They've got some wicked documentaries: killer earthquakes; the tsunami; hurricane seasons that go on forever. To hell with Barry Bonds, man -- I want Mother Nature tested for steroids!

10) Sigh. Arrested Development has finally called it a day. Showrunner Mitch Hurwitz says he doesn't want to do it anymore, so there will be no miraculous rescue by Showtime. Which is too bad, since the channel wanted to do another 24 episodes over two seasons. In a strange bit of irony, it seems everyone has given up but FOX, who threw out the phrase "anything is possible" in a news release confirming the beginning of the end. The network also cited the resurrection of Family Guy as proof that the Bluth isn't always in the pudding.

11) Cobie! Cobie! Cobie! But I'm not crushing...

12) I don't watch American Idol, but if I did, I'd be wondering if that's the real Paula Abdul on the show. Supposedly she's gone a little psycho or something. Or maybe it really isn't her. Wait a minute, this is starting to sound really familiar. Cue the "Paula Is Dead" conspiracy theories.

13) Baseball season starts next week. Sssshh -- nobody bother me until the end of October.

Stay tuned...