(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)
Recently, in the news:
** Somewhat waifish Brittany Murphy has been cast as the pixie Tinker Bell by Disney in a direct to video release called, oddly enough, Tinker Bell. The film will primarily be computer animated, but to save costs Murphy herself will appear in the film, after having been shrunk down to size by a recently recovered ray gun originally used in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
** Canadian music channel Muchmusic recently held its video awards, with the channel bringing the bubblehead twosome of Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling north to host the event. When asked about the curious choice of Spelling and Hilton to emcee things, a Much spokesperson said "the last few shows have been stinkers. We're just trying to air out the joint."
** With the release of his latest film, Click, Adam Sandler has once again stated to the world that, despite rumours to the contrary, he is not related to, in love with, or addicted to Rob Schneider.
** Charlie Sheen, fresh off a restraining order from soon-to be ex-wife Denise Richards, is in trouble with new girlfriend Brooke Mueller after claiming that the World Cup is the most overrated event next to the B-Cup Wet T-Shirt competition at the local strip bar. Said Charlie, "I didn't mean to offend her. I mean, I had no idea she was such a big soccer fan."
** American congressman William Jefferson, facing bribery and corruption charges after the FBI found almost $100,000 hidden in his freezer, is claiming the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. Said the con... gressman, "I stop just short of being a certain William Jefferson Clinton, and look at what he got away with."
** A spokesperson for Hostess is denying a report that the company is moving its production of Twinkies, the eternally popular white sponge cake with the vanilla filling, from Chicago to Montgomery, Alabama. The rumoured move hit the news last week, along with a report that the snack will be rechristened "Cake! Cake! Cake!"
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.15
(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)
Recently, in the news:
** Britney Spears, citing a need to get away from it all, is pondering the idea of having her second child born in Namibia, a la Angelina Jolie. When asked whether husband Kevin Federline would accompany her, a spokesperson for Spears said "no. He's 'it all.'"
** A report that Dan Rather will be leaving CBS has been confirmed by a spokesperson. Rather recently left his anchor position, taking a spot with the eye network's 60 Minutes, a gig he apparently wasn't supposed to get. Said the spokesperson, "when Dan left the anchor desk he thought we said he could have 60 Minutes. But in actual fact, we gave him 60 minutes to gather his things and get the hell out."
** Reports that Pamela Anderson has once again upsized to bigger breast implants have been denied by an Anderson spokesperson, despite a leaked 911 call that has the top-heavy Anderson stuck to the floor while tearily screaming "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
** After making a go of things as an amateur porn star and a b-movie actress, Paris Hilton is going to give it a go as a pop star, with her first CD due in stores at the end of July. In other news, the price of oil is nearing record highs, the American dollar continues to stumble and earplugs are now going for $457 a pair.
Stay tuned...
Recently, in the news:
** Britney Spears, citing a need to get away from it all, is pondering the idea of having her second child born in Namibia, a la Angelina Jolie. When asked whether husband Kevin Federline would accompany her, a spokesperson for Spears said "no. He's 'it all.'"
** A report that Dan Rather will be leaving CBS has been confirmed by a spokesperson. Rather recently left his anchor position, taking a spot with the eye network's 60 Minutes, a gig he apparently wasn't supposed to get. Said the spokesperson, "when Dan left the anchor desk he thought we said he could have 60 Minutes. But in actual fact, we gave him 60 minutes to gather his things and get the hell out."
** Reports that Pamela Anderson has once again upsized to bigger breast implants have been denied by an Anderson spokesperson, despite a leaked 911 call that has the top-heavy Anderson stuck to the floor while tearily screaming "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
** After making a go of things as an amateur porn star and a b-movie actress, Paris Hilton is going to give it a go as a pop star, with her first CD due in stores at the end of July. In other news, the price of oil is nearing record highs, the American dollar continues to stumble and earplugs are now going for $457 a pair.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
I DON'T GET IT...
The World Cup of Soccer, er, I mean Football, is upon us and billions of fans have turned into territorial, ravenous pack wolves.
You see it on the streets everyday. Horns are honking, hands are waving and everybody's car is an import, regardless of make, thanks to a liberal peppering of foreign flags hanging from just about every other vehicle.
The mantra of these semi-mad folk is "don't mess with our team, or else pay the consequences," which range anywhere from name calling to a nice permanent spot under a shade tree, complete with complimentary pine box.
Of course, things are a little tamer on the top-left side of the home orb, where the word "nil" is used more as a description of Paris Hilton's intelligence than as a score (or lack thereof) on the soccer pitch.
That's not to say we North Americans don't get rabid about sports. North North Americans (AKA Canadians) rank hockey just behind family and slightly ahead of religion.
The other North Americans are South North Americans, which became such a mouthful that it got shortened to just plain old Americans. They go rabid over football (the one that gets held in the hands and only occasionally kicked), baseball, basketball and something odd they call "nasskarr."
But soccer? Nuh-uh.
You see, when we watch our sports we like things to, you know, happen. We want points. We want runs. And we want goals.
The only points in soccer are the ones the judges award to the divers for artistic merit. The runs are taken care of through careful ingestation of Pepto Bismol. And goals, well, they're almost as difficult to come by as the remains of one James Hoffa.
Soccer is the only game where ninety minutes pass and a ton of stuff almost happens.
It's nearly an unsport. That's not to say it's not athletic. But then fleeing the cops on foot takes athleticism, but you don't see it in the Olympics, now do ya?
And don't even get me started on settling a game with penalty kicks!
Okay, get me started.
Simply put, it's stupid. Many soccer fans will say that baseball's stupid. But they don't settle baseball games with a home run derby, do they?
Soccer. Sheesh.
I don't think I'll ever get it.
Stay tuned...
You see it on the streets everyday. Horns are honking, hands are waving and everybody's car is an import, regardless of make, thanks to a liberal peppering of foreign flags hanging from just about every other vehicle.
The mantra of these semi-mad folk is "don't mess with our team, or else pay the consequences," which range anywhere from name calling to a nice permanent spot under a shade tree, complete with complimentary pine box.
Of course, things are a little tamer on the top-left side of the home orb, where the word "nil" is used more as a description of Paris Hilton's intelligence than as a score (or lack thereof) on the soccer pitch.
That's not to say we North Americans don't get rabid about sports. North North Americans (AKA Canadians) rank hockey just behind family and slightly ahead of religion.
The other North Americans are South North Americans, which became such a mouthful that it got shortened to just plain old Americans. They go rabid over football (the one that gets held in the hands and only occasionally kicked), baseball, basketball and something odd they call "nasskarr."
But soccer? Nuh-uh.
You see, when we watch our sports we like things to, you know, happen. We want points. We want runs. And we want goals.
The only points in soccer are the ones the judges award to the divers for artistic merit. The runs are taken care of through careful ingestation of Pepto Bismol. And goals, well, they're almost as difficult to come by as the remains of one James Hoffa.
Soccer is the only game where ninety minutes pass and a ton of stuff almost happens.
It's nearly an unsport. That's not to say it's not athletic. But then fleeing the cops on foot takes athleticism, but you don't see it in the Olympics, now do ya?
And don't even get me started on settling a game with penalty kicks!
Okay, get me started.
Simply put, it's stupid. Many soccer fans will say that baseball's stupid. But they don't settle baseball games with a home run derby, do they?
Soccer. Sheesh.
I don't think I'll ever get it.
Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.14
(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)
Recently, in the news:
** There are reports that Jennifer Aniston became sick upon hearing of the birth of Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie, ex-hubby Brad Pitt's new offspring with Angelina Jolie. But it turns out that she just got dizzy while trying to wrap her tongue around the little tyke's full name.
** Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she's pregnant. An unnamed 86 year-old oil tycoon from San Antonio with more money than his senility can count has denied that he's the father.
** In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lindsay Lohan denied that she's undergoing hypnosis for being a shopoholic. The interview ended prematurely, however, after Walters snapped her fingers and Lohan began to bark like a dog and lick herself.
** Newly crowned American Idol Taylor Hicks has signed a recording contract, with his first single to be a cover of Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)."
** In a poll of 500 male moviegoers, Ursula Andress was named the best Bond girl. In a secondary poll, Denise Richards and Tanya Roberts were tied for the worst Bond girl that most guys would like to nail anyway.
** Barry Bonds recently hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the all-time list. The fan who caught the ball made a circus-like catch, jumping from the upper deck and landing on his feet. He was immediately rushed away by Major League Baseball to be tested for steroids.
** In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Liz Taylor denied she has Alzheimer's. Five minutes later, while talking to the same reporter, she denied being inteviewed by Entertainment Tonight.
** In a stunning development, semi-pornographic pictures of Paul McCartney's estranged wife have been unearthed by the press. In response to this latest bout of bad publicity, Heather Mills McCartney went on Larry King to protest the beaver hunt.
** George W. Bush celebrated into the wee hours of the morning after coalition forces finally located and killed al-Zarqawi. A spokesperson said that Bush hasn't been this excited since he defeated the liberal infidel al-Gore.
Stay tuned...
Recently, in the news:
** There are reports that Jennifer Aniston became sick upon hearing of the birth of Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie, ex-hubby Brad Pitt's new offspring with Angelina Jolie. But it turns out that she just got dizzy while trying to wrap her tongue around the little tyke's full name.
** Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she's pregnant. An unnamed 86 year-old oil tycoon from San Antonio with more money than his senility can count has denied that he's the father.
** In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lindsay Lohan denied that she's undergoing hypnosis for being a shopoholic. The interview ended prematurely, however, after Walters snapped her fingers and Lohan began to bark like a dog and lick herself.
** Newly crowned American Idol Taylor Hicks has signed a recording contract, with his first single to be a cover of Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)."
** In a poll of 500 male moviegoers, Ursula Andress was named the best Bond girl. In a secondary poll, Denise Richards and Tanya Roberts were tied for the worst Bond girl that most guys would like to nail anyway.
** Barry Bonds recently hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the all-time list. The fan who caught the ball made a circus-like catch, jumping from the upper deck and landing on his feet. He was immediately rushed away by Major League Baseball to be tested for steroids.
** In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Liz Taylor denied she has Alzheimer's. Five minutes later, while talking to the same reporter, she denied being inteviewed by Entertainment Tonight.
** In a stunning development, semi-pornographic pictures of Paul McCartney's estranged wife have been unearthed by the press. In response to this latest bout of bad publicity, Heather Mills McCartney went on Larry King to protest the beaver hunt.
** George W. Bush celebrated into the wee hours of the morning after coalition forces finally located and killed al-Zarqawi. A spokesperson said that Bush hasn't been this excited since he defeated the liberal infidel al-Gore.
Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 8, 2006
SHIFTING PRIORITIES...
Now that mighty America has finally taken care of that inhumane, rat bastard, country killing, sonofabitch al-Zarqawi, do you think they can now turn their priorities on dealing with that inhumane, ratbastardtyhaired, country, sonofabitch Annie "Has Anyone Seen My Heart" Coulter?
Just a thought.
Stay tuned...
Just a thought.
Stay tuned...
Friday, June 2, 2006
TWO JACKS, SOME WAITING
(WATCH OUT! THERE'S SPOILERS ABOUT.)
God bless steel-toed shoes. Thems patio stones is heavy.
Ahem.
Anyway, I'm finally taking a little bit of time to reflect on the end of another TV season. I touched a little on some of this recently the last time I went Channel Surfing.
At that time, two of the year's biggest season finales had yet to air -- the Two Jacks weren't done yet.
In Los Angeles, Jack Bauer had thwarted yet another terrorist incursion. Usually such thwarting is saved for the finale, but on this day (and it's always a DAY on 24) the world was saved one hour early. This left the last hour for Bauer to go after the most powerful man in the world, AKA United States President Charles Logan, who took time out from his reign as Richard Nixon Look-Alike Contest champion to wreak havoc on the good folks of the left coast.
It looked like Logan was going to get away with his scheme, which involved the assassination of former President David Palmer, the attempted assassination of Russian President Subarov and a terrorist crisis of Logan's creation, seemingly created so that he could save the day and secure some hallowed space in the ol' history books.
The day may have been saved, but thanks to Bauer and the Counter Terrorist Unit, Logan's Presidential legacy fell victim to the workings of a poison pen. Of sorts. Sometimes it's just best to keep one's mouth shut when writing utensils are hanging about.
As for Jack, he ended the season on a slow boat to China after being snagged by Chinese agents intent on bringing Bauer to "justice" for his actions in the Chinese Consulate back in season four. Hmmm.
Mystery to be solved in January 2007.
Meanwhile, back on Gilligan's Island...
Well, who the hell knows what's happening on Lost. The other Jack (the one not named Bauer, although he's not one of The Others -- yes, it's confusing) and a few of his friends (let's call them Kate, Sawyer and Hurley) were led into a trap by former friend Michael, who would do anything to retrieve his son, Walt, who was abducted by The Others at the end of the first season.
Then there's the return of Desmond to his hatch, in which Mr. Eko had set up shop to continue the punching of the button every 108 minutes. John Locke was convinced that the button had no purpose, and barricaded himself in the hatch with Eko on the outside -- so that he could let the countdown run out. Run out it did, causing an electromagnetic meltdown. This, along with the excluded Mr. Eko trying to blast his way inside with some dynamite, caused some, uh, problems.
The meltdown abated, thanks to some key work by the mysterious Desmond, but viewers were left hanging. What has become of Desmond, Eko and Locke?
The answers to this and many other questions are sure to be supplied (or not supplied) come November, when Lost returns for season three, which will be less about the characters we've come to know and scratch our heads over, and more about the mysterious Others (or Hostiles, as other non-Others are known to have called them -- yes, it's really confusing).
As long as the story moves and remains intriguing, then Lost should continue to remain one of the best shows on television.
Or...
It will crumble under the weight of its ever-growing pile of loose plot threads and spiral into the abyss of TV after thoughts.
We shall see.
Stay tuned...
God bless steel-toed shoes. Thems patio stones is heavy.
Ahem.
Anyway, I'm finally taking a little bit of time to reflect on the end of another TV season. I touched a little on some of this recently the last time I went Channel Surfing.
At that time, two of the year's biggest season finales had yet to air -- the Two Jacks weren't done yet.
In Los Angeles, Jack Bauer had thwarted yet another terrorist incursion. Usually such thwarting is saved for the finale, but on this day (and it's always a DAY on 24) the world was saved one hour early. This left the last hour for Bauer to go after the most powerful man in the world, AKA United States President Charles Logan, who took time out from his reign as Richard Nixon Look-Alike Contest champion to wreak havoc on the good folks of the left coast.
It looked like Logan was going to get away with his scheme, which involved the assassination of former President David Palmer, the attempted assassination of Russian President Subarov and a terrorist crisis of Logan's creation, seemingly created so that he could save the day and secure some hallowed space in the ol' history books.
The day may have been saved, but thanks to Bauer and the Counter Terrorist Unit, Logan's Presidential legacy fell victim to the workings of a poison pen. Of sorts. Sometimes it's just best to keep one's mouth shut when writing utensils are hanging about.
As for Jack, he ended the season on a slow boat to China after being snagged by Chinese agents intent on bringing Bauer to "justice" for his actions in the Chinese Consulate back in season four. Hmmm.
Mystery to be solved in January 2007.
Meanwhile, back on Gilligan's Island...
Well, who the hell knows what's happening on Lost. The other Jack (the one not named Bauer, although he's not one of The Others -- yes, it's confusing) and a few of his friends (let's call them Kate, Sawyer and Hurley) were led into a trap by former friend Michael, who would do anything to retrieve his son, Walt, who was abducted by The Others at the end of the first season.
Then there's the return of Desmond to his hatch, in which Mr. Eko had set up shop to continue the punching of the button every 108 minutes. John Locke was convinced that the button had no purpose, and barricaded himself in the hatch with Eko on the outside -- so that he could let the countdown run out. Run out it did, causing an electromagnetic meltdown. This, along with the excluded Mr. Eko trying to blast his way inside with some dynamite, caused some, uh, problems.
The meltdown abated, thanks to some key work by the mysterious Desmond, but viewers were left hanging. What has become of Desmond, Eko and Locke?
The answers to this and many other questions are sure to be supplied (or not supplied) come November, when Lost returns for season three, which will be less about the characters we've come to know and scratch our heads over, and more about the mysterious Others (or Hostiles, as other non-Others are known to have called them -- yes, it's really confusing).
As long as the story moves and remains intriguing, then Lost should continue to remain one of the best shows on television.
Or...
It will crumble under the weight of its ever-growing pile of loose plot threads and spiral into the abyss of TV after thoughts.
We shall see.
Stay tuned...
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