NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cape fear -- is Bryan Singer the right person to direct another Superman film?
(Link) Brad's the Pitts -- an E! for Effort leads to trespass charges.
(Link) St. Louis is the most dangerous American city -- especially for Tigers.
(Link) Apocalypse now -- Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell III" hits stores tomorrow.
(Link) The axeman cometh -- Studio 60 climbs onto the chopping block.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Greg Kinnear's favourite NFL coach, Dick Vermeil, is 70
** Jefferson Airplane/Starship/Whatever vocalist Grace Slick is 67
** The original Captain Knauer, Ed Lauter is 66
** Leather afficionado and world famous shark jumper Henry Winkler is 62
** Eagles bass dude Timothy B. Schmit is 59
** Noted Titan clasher Harry Hamlin is 55
** Former Mrs. Major Dad and current MIA actress Shanna Reed is 50
** Possibly the only British actress not yet cast in a Harry Potter film, Juliet Stevenson is 50
** Former Argentine soccer star and controversy magnet Diego Maradona is 46
** Mr. Gwen Stefani, also known as Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, is 41
** Canadian rap flash-in-the-pan Snow is 38
** Former Third Watcher Nia Long is 36
** The Donald's little girl, Ivanka Trump, is 24



SONG ON THE BRAIN
The incredibly Beatlesque "Bus Stop" by The Hollies (released in 1966 on Parlophone Records)



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 27:

"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by George O'Malley (as portrayed on Grey's Anatomy by T.R. Knight)



WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE FIRST SHOT?
What's that? Naomi Campbell's in trouble with the law? Again? For assaulting someone? AGAIN? Who'd she hit this time? Her drug counsellor? Is she stupid? Or was she on drugs? Why does this keep happening? Isn't it about time somebody pops her one back?

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cowboys' coach claims he got a dead rat in a McDonald's salad -- other reports say Terrell Owens is alive and well.
(Link) Nicole Richie's re-learning how to eat -- thanks to her re-pal Paris, she's first learning how to swallow.
(Link) Michael J. Fox says he wasn't off drugs -- America says Rush Limbaugh was on drugs.
(Link) Dr. Burke says mea culpa -- Isaiah Washington takes ownership for Grey's testosterone dustup.
(Link) Britney's manchild says, "if you want to hate me, cool, hate me." You got it, shithead -- we hate you.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Not just on One Day At A Time, but now living life as such, Nanette Fabray is 86
** Former Pittsburgh Pirates slugger Ralph Kiner is 84
** A very classy gal, Ruby Dee is 82
** Possibly the funniest man alive, John Cleese is 67
** Garry Tallent, AKA Bruce Springsteen's bass player, is 57
** Hyperactive Oscar winner Roberto Benigni is 54
** Cy Young winner with the '82 Brewers, Pete Vuckovich is 54
** The ultimate holographic Doctor, Robert Picardo is 53
** Duran Duran squealer Simon Le Bon is 48
** Marla Maples, Donald Trump's other other wife, is 43
** Ultra versatile and ultra stoned rock vocalist Scott Weiland is 39
** Former hockey hairbag Mike Ricci is 35
** Not currently playing in the World Series, Twins hurler Brad Radke is 34
** Cameron Crowe's much younger alter ego, Patrick Fugit, is 24
** Singer slash actress slash bratty Ozzy offspring Kelly Osbourne is 22



SONG ON THE BRAIN
The bittersweet "Moonshine" by Dennis Wilson (released in 1977 on CBS/Caribou Records)



WHO SAID WHAT???
"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by ****** *'****** (as portrayed by *.*. ******)



CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Mariah Carey issued a statement to the press today that said, despite media claims to the contrary, she does, in fact, wipe her own ass.



PAGING DR. PHIL
Say you're a tiger. You've got this reputation for being a real meat eater. All of the animals wet their lairs in fear of you. So how in the hell are you going to go back to the jungle in Detroit and explain to the other animals that you got your ass whupped by a little red bird?

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link)Watching barely co-ordinated celebrities hoofing becomes new national pastime -- Dancing beats World Series.
(Link)This never happened to Tom -- Keith Urban checks into rehab.
(Link) "I'll take publishing royalties for $100, Alex" -- Ken Jennings does the book thang.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former baseball executive Lee MacPhail is still kicking at 89
** Don't tell Ralph Branca, but New York Giants' hero Bobby Thomson is 83
** Soap opera vet and member of The Facelift of the Month Club, Jeanne Cooper is 78
** We love you, Mrs. C -- actress Marion Ross is 78
** A world record holder in the chair toss, roundball bully Bobby Knight is 66
** She's still woman -- singer Helen Reddy is 65
** Still hitting the high notes, Yes vocalist Jon Anderson is 62
** Well known participant in a politically charged marriage, James Carville is 62
** Oh, to be tall and Irish -- former Celtics ace Dave Cowens is 58
** Captain of the Miracle on Ice, Mike Eruzione is 52
** She helped give us Aliens and a Terminator or two -- movie producer Gale Anne Hurd is 51
** Sister Steve lives! Tracy Nelson is 43
** The craziest Chandler Bing roommate ever, Adam Goldberg is 36
** Barenaked Ladies co-frontman Ed Robertson is 36
** Droolworthy country singer Chely Wright is 36
** Canadian singer (and a fave of mine) Tara MacLean is 33



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 23:

"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by Elliot Reid (as portrayed on Scrubs by Sarah Chalke)



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"I've Been Waiting" by Matthew Sweet (released in 1982 on BMG Music)



HOLY CRAP, JACK!!!
I just watched the trailer for the new season of 24 that starts in January. I think I just soiled myself.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Boning up -- Conan gets unfleshed for Halloween.
(Link) Father Knew Best, now Mother Can Rest -- Jane Wyatt moves on at 96.
(Link) A Brief History of Irreconcilable Differences -- Stephen Hawking's getting divorced.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ballsy former pitcher and current American Senator Jim Bunning is 75
** Novelist, movie director and guy with phonetically challenging last name, Michael Crichton is 64
** Movie director and gay cowboy activist Ang Lee is 52
** Twangy country dude and occasional actor Dwight Yoakam is 50
** One of my favourite movie directors, from way before Spiderman, Sam Raimi is 47
** Parody driven accordian genius Weird Al Yankovic is 47
** Dubbed America's midget by former America's Bigmouth Jim McMahon, Doug Flutie is 44
** Former well-travelled lefthander Al Leiter is 41
** Survivor of one hellacious race car crash, Alex Zanardi is 40
** Actor and on-again off-again paramour of Alanis "Screeching Harmonica" Morissette, Ryan Reynolds is 30



WHO SAID WHAT???
"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by ****** **** (as portrayed by ***** ******)



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Subdivisions" by Rush (released in 1982 on Anthem Records)



THE BIG PLUNGE: TORCHWOOD
"You want to tell his family he died screwing an alien?"
-- Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood

So a new show debuted on the BBC yesterday with its first two of 13 episodes, but I'm in North America so I'm not supposed to have watched it and I'm not supposed to talk about it.

But I did and I'm going to, a little.

The show, as indicated above, is called Torchwood. For those not familiar with British science-fiction, it is a show about an underground (literally) "special ops" group that investigates the presence of aliens in the city of Cardiff, Wales.

For those familiar with British science fiction, then you already know this show to be a spin-off of Doctor Who, recently revived by the Beeb to awesome ratings and mostly excellent reviews.

While both are full of alien intrigue and a quirky character or two, what separates the pair is the target audience.

Doctor Who is aimed more at younger fans, while Torchwood is very much an adult show, filled with enough sex, violence and profanity to give the American Family Association's head fascist Donald Wildmon a f*cking coronary.

Which almost makes me wish it was airing in his living room right about now.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) It's 1968 all over again -- Tigers set to play some Cards.
(Link) George O'Malley's a man's man -- T.R. Knight comes out.
(Link) I see recovering people -- Haley Joel Osment does the "no contest" shuffle, gets time in A.A.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Pulitzer Prize winner and one-time nemesis to Paramount Pictures, Art Buchwald is 81
** My favourite actor to play Father Mulcahy -- William Christopher is 74
** A real Heartbreaker, Tom Petty is 56
** No longer thirtsomething, Melanie Mayron is 54
** A partner in the Great Magic Loogey Conspiracy, Keith Hernandez is 53
** A true friend of the little people, Viggo Mortensen is 48
** What name is on his driver's license? Cordozar Calvin Broadus AKA Snoop Dogg is 32



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Right Down the Line" by Gerry Rafferty (released in 1978 on EMI Records)



JOURNAL OF THE CLUELESS
Dear Diary,

Whassup?



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, October 18:

"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken by Sam Winchester (as portrayed in Supernatural by Jared Padalecki)



THE BIG PLUNGE: IT'S SHOWTIME!
'Twas the night before game one, and all through the park, there was nobody nowhere, the place was all dark...

Well, DUH!

That 'lectricity stuff costs lots of dough, ya know. It wouldn't make much sense to turn on the lights 24 hours early. It's not like it's going to help the St. Louis Cardinals.

Uh, a couple of weeks ago I was boldly predicting the demise of the Detroit Tigers at the hands of the New York Yankees. Then I boldly told my brother-in-law that the Tigers were going to get spanked by the Oakland A's.

That's 0-for-2 if anyone's counting.

So how could I possibly go against the Tabbies a third time? The short answer is, I can't.

Besides, a look at the two teams would seem to indicate a Tiger triumph. Their starting pitching seems better, their bullpen is definitely better, the Tigers are rested and, thanks to the American League All-Stars, they have home field advantage.

The only advantage the Cardinals have is that their stadium is still under warranty.

So, I stand here a humbled man, bowing at the foot of the Temple Comerica, hoping and praying that I don't go 0-for-3.

Because a strikeout would be embarrassing. Go Tigers!

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Calling Sam Gerard -- Wesley Snipes goes on the lam from the Feds.
(Link) Donkey Spice Jr. -- Eddie and Mel B. build a nursery.
(Link) Wash or dry? Bill Murray does dishes at college party.
(Link) Sell the most KFed -- first prize is a party with Britney and her doof; second prize is a pair of smelly sneakers.
(Link) Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor time of death -- well, except for that last part.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Johnny's still going goode -- Chuck Berry turns 80
** The always tactful (figure)head of the Barone clan, Peter Boyle is 71
** To hell with Ginger -- Mary Ann AKA Dawn Wells is 68
** Da Coach, Mike Ditka is 67
** The Masters' favourite pain in the ass, Martha Burk is 65
** Former Detroit Tiger bopper Willie Horton is 64
** Movie soundtrack tunesmith Howard Shore is 60
** An Orkan by tubular marriage, Pam Dawber is 55
** Finally done making a racket, Martina Navratilova is 50
** Forever Detroit's most popular Hitman, Thomas Hearns is 48
** Jean-Claude Van Damme, the meathead muscles from Brussels is 46
** A man that truly blows, Wynton Marsalis is 45
** Canadian speed demon Alex Tagliani is 34
** Disney Channel fave Zac Efron is 19



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Walk Away Renee" by the Left Banke (released in 1967 on Smash Records)



WHO SAID WHAT???
"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken (just last week) by *** ********** (as portrayed by ***** *********)

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Ugly Betty's lookin' pretty good -- gets full season pick-up.
(Link) BAM! POW! -- Angie's goons rough up shutterbug.
(Link) No more Wasted Days and Wasted Nights -- adios, Freddy Fender.
(Link) Fascinating -- Star Trek auction pulls in a cool $7 million.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** JFletch is still kicking -- Angela Lansbury is 81
** Baseball big mouth Tim McCarver is 65
** Suzanne Somers and her well-mastered thighs are 60
** The King of Brain Melting Theatrical Spoofs, director David Zucker is 59
** Actor turned environmentalist and/or political whackjob Tim Robbins is 48
** From gridiron phenom to washed up in record time, Kordell "Slash" Stewart is 34
** The least predatory of the Nashville Predators, Paul Kariya is 32
** While seeking a little Clarity, singer-songwriter John Mayer has turned 29



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 13:

"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by Homer Simpson



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Good Souls" by Starsailor (released in 2001 on EMI Records)



CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
American President George W. Bush this morning strengthened the force fighting the war on terror in Iraq with the announcement that a special team of 55 young men with brutal fighting skills will be sent to the Middle East to scare insurgents into giving up the fight. The University of Miami Hurricanes football team leaves for Baghdad tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Scalpels at twenty paces -- Grey's Anatomy stars mix it up.
(Link) Liver and Let Dry -- Mel says he's been sober for a whopping 65 days.
(Link) How's that search going, eh? O.J. fights to keep himself.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Actress Melinda Dillon, who played the greatest lesbian wife of a hotheaded hockey goaltender ever, is 67
** You can call him Al if you want, but either way singer-songwriter Paul Simon is 65
** Sammy Hagar, who may or may not be the lead singer of Van Halen (depending on which way the wind is blowing), is 59
** Chris Carter, who (for better or worse) gave the world The X-Files, is 50
** Marie Osmond, The Queen of Perky and owner of a worn out womb, is 47
** Kelly Preston, wife of a mad scientologist, is 44
** Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver OF ALL TIME, is 44
** San Diego Padre for life Trevor Hoffman is 39
** Nancy Kerrigan, president of the Tonya Harding fan club, is 37
** Somebody I'll always look up to, roundballer Jermaine O'Neal is 27
** Singer, actor (and chiropractor for all I know) Ashanti is 26
** Aussie swimmer extraordinaire Ian "Thorpedo" Thorpe is 24



WHAT'S A CONDOM?
Speaking of Marie Osmond, she comes from a rather large family -- nine kids, to be exact.

And it's a brood that's learned their lessons well from their parents. The Osmond Family Singers have, between them, 56 kids, an average of seven per Osmond (it's actually six point something, but who's counting). It must be real fun at the family reunions where all the cousins have to wear name tags to identify, not who they are, but who their parents are.

Wow. Fifty-six frickin' kids.

That's almost as many kids as there are in Canada!



WHO SAID WHAT???
"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by ***** *******



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Metal" by Gary Numan (released in 1980 as the flipside to the mega-hit "Cars" on Beggars Banquet Records)



THE BIG PLUNGE: LIDLE THOUGHTS
Timing.

It bit me in the ass two days ago.

Who wasn't stunned when they turned on CNN (or whatever your news poison is) to see a burning building in New York with a report about a plane flying into it?

I know I went a little numb.

The memories of that horrible day were recently refreshed with the fifth anniversary, and here was another reminder, if not a possible recurrence.

But, thankfully, that wasn't the case.

That said, I registered a shudder when it was revealed that New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle had died in the crash. Part of it was because Lidle had pitched here in Toronto in 2003 (I was excited that the Jays got him because he had had three torrid second halves in a row with the Oakland A's). From reading and hearing interviews, he seemed like a real standup guy who didn't dine on his press clippings.

I was definitely saddened. As for that timing thing...

In my last posting I had given it good to the Bronx Bombers, saying all kinds of nasty (well, sarcastic) things about them. I thought about taking it down after the Lidle incident, but decided against it for a couple of reasons.

One, it wasn't about any one person, so it wasn't really personal. And two, who really reads this page nowadays anyway?

I figured I could take my lumps from the four people who check in on a daily basis.

None were forthcoming, I was safe and home free. Sure wish I could say the same for Cory Lidle.

Rest in peace, dude.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The Simple Strife is over -- Paris and Nicole share a brain once again.
(Link) Show me the money!!! Googly-eyed runaway bride sues ex for her cut.
(Link) Madonna reportedly adopts young African boy -- I want to be adopted next.
(Link) Scarlett says she's not a dirty slut -- the twice-yearly clean HIV tests prove it. Nyah!
(Link) Oy vey! Babs tells heckler to shut the f*ck up.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The always appreciated but terribly underrated actor David Morse is 53.
** Steve Young, one of the toughest quarterbacks to ever play the game, is 45
** Nicola Bryant, the whiniest Doctor Who companion with the hottest bod, is 44
** Joan Cusack, big sister to the most excellent actor John, is 44
** No longer Young Indiana Jones, especially the young part, Sean Patrick Flanery is 41
** Luke Perry, who spent an eternity in high school, is 41
** Just in time for tonight's premiere of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski is 38
** More than just the sum of her Bones, Emily "Not Zooey" Deschanel is 30
** Buffy babe Michelle Trachtenberg is 21
** The uber-hyped Michelle Wie, who has yet to become Michelle Win, is 17



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 6:

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by the 4077th's Hawkeye Pierce (AKA Alan Alda)



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Sub Rosa Speedway" by Klaatu (released in 1973 on GRT Records)



THE BIG PLUNGE: PINNED STRIPES
Aw, it's always fun to see a bully taken down.

Okay, maybe bully isn't quite the right word. Although outspending most teams by more than a two to one margin can't exactly be called playing fair.

Under such circumstances, there's no denying the pleasure most baseball fans feel at seeing the hated New York Yankees deprived of post-season glory.

They make the playoffs year after year, mostly on the backs of superstar players who've got their own personal Brinks trucks on standby.

Let's see how the Yanks would do by spending only half as much. They'd still be competitive because their farm system is fertile. But it would make things more challenging (and, one would think, rewarding) for them to win a World Series.

On the other hand, the status quo can be fun, too. It's awfully entertaining watching all these Yankee egos (and the egos of some of their more obnoxious fans) implode on a yearly basis.

Stay tuned...

TURKEY TELEGRAM
According to the calendar, today is Thanksgiving in Canada.

STOP

I'm currently unavailable due to gorging of unhealthy amounts of deliciously prepared dead bird.

STOP

I hope to recover in time to continue operations on Wednesday.

STOP

If you're thinking of offering me more food...

STOP!!!

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Eva Longoria considers changing name to Lindsay Lohan -- injured on set of Desperate Housewives, again.
(Link) Too outrageous for Law & Order -- Basinger and Baldwin (but mostly Basinger) add another episode to their never-ending saga.
(Link) "And here's your host, T.J Dennykirk!" -- Bill Shatner goes all Bob Barker on us.



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ellen Travolta, sister to a mad scientologist, is 66
** Britt Ekland, who played the dopiest Bond girl ever, is 64
** CBS honcho Les Moonves, who has a special place on David Letterman's dart board, is 57
** Sci-fi writer David Brin (who gave us The Postman before Kevin Costner gave us The Postman, based on a David Brin novel) is 56
** Hottie or not (I can never decide) Elisabeth Shue is 43
** Gymnast turned actor slash musician (like, when does she sleep?) Amy Jo Johnson is 36
** Former New York Liberty beanpole Rebecca Lobo is 33
** Taylor Hicks, who (unfortunately) needs no introduction, is 30



WHO SAID WHAT???
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by ******* ******



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Cosmetics" by Gowan, currently known as Lawrence Gowan of Styx (released in 1985 on CBS Records)



IT JUST HAS TO BE SAID
She must be a really great cook, or chef, or whatever because as a talk show host she's more annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard remixed and remastered. I would be talking, of course, about the Sauteeing Smurfette that is Rachael Ray.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Jaime Pressly is Jaime Preggers, but will Darnell the Crab Man find any Joy in this?
(Link) Colt or filly? Tori Spelling's got one in the oven, too.
(Link) George Michael is found slumped over in his car -- no word on whose lap his head was found in.
(Link) Everybody has an axe to grind -- Audioslave guitarist arrested during social protest.
(Link) Emma Watson may drop out of Hogwarts to try other things -- or maybe she wants a bigger slice of magic pie. Who knows...



WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 2:

"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by Ray Barone (or Ray Romano -- either way the asterisks fit)



HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Charlton Heston is 82 -- if only he looked as young
** Tony LaRussa, the most over-rated baseball manager of my generation, is 62
** Susan Sarandon and her bodacious ta-tas (assuming they're real, of course) are 60
** Armand Assante, who once played Dapper Don Gotti, is 57
** Alicia Silverstone, who I've finally let off the hook for that whole Batgirl thing, is 30
** Rachael Leigh Cook, who I couldn't slander if I tried, is 27



CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
There's a rumour floating about the publishing world that Donald Trump is about to put out a book explaining how he got rich and how he manages to maintain his wealth. Spokespeople for The Donald won't comment, but the buzz is that the book essentially breaks Trump's monetary success into two parts: never spend any money on your hair and get a massively overblown book deal to talk about it.



SONG ON THE BRAIN
The hauntingly beautiful "Time" by the Alan Parsons Project (released in 1980 on Arista Records)



THE BIG PLUNGE: HEADS OR TAILS
Today begins another hockey season.

Wow, that was so bland. It's not nearly as neat sounding as this time last year when I was saying, "welcome back, assholes!" But then time heals all wounds.

After watching some exciting stuff last year, post-lockout, I finally bought into why the National Hockey League shut down the game. Sure, a huge part of it was about money. I mean, when isn't it?

But the bigwigs that run the NHL, including chief bigwig Gary Bettman (who ain't that big when a runt like me stands next to him) wanted to fix the game, which had become boring and not so major league in the way it was being played.

The riff-raff had taken over, turning the game into a slow clutch and grabfest that cured even the worst insomnia.

But last year the rules changed and the game was given back to the guys who put the puck in the net.

Unfortunately, though, the bigwigs went too far. They also gave us the shootout.

This I have bitched about before (here and here). But it's been awhile, so here goes.

Guys, lose the shootout. It's a pimple on the game that totally destroys the team element. The players bust their asses for 65 minutes, then settle things by basically taking turns calling a coin toss.

It may be fun for the fans, but shootouts cheapen the game far more than the clutch and grab love-in that preceeded it.

Or...

If you must insist on keeping this mini freak show, at least change the points system so that each game is worth three points, instead of two. This way, if the game is won in a shootout, the winners get two and the suckers who can't shoot get one.

It will take the "I" out of team where it doesn't belong, and put it back in integrity where it does.

Stay tuned...

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Chucky Sheen gets a biiiig raise -- Denise Richards phones her lawyer hoping for same.
(Link) Men from all over claim they're the father of Anna Nicole's baby -- even if they can't remember what she looks like after all the plastic surgery.
(Link) Avril fails saliva test -- apologizes to soggy media.



WHO SAID WHAT???
"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by *** ******



CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Five Lindsay Lohan injuries that haven't been printed in the tabloids (yet):

5. Sprains ankle while trying to stomp out a bag of burning dog turds left on her doorstep by movie exec James G. Robinson.
4. Is resuscitated by paramedics after nearly drowning while trying to shotgun a keg of beer.
3. Suffers black eye when wayward boob pops out of her dress.
2. Develops temporary blindness after viewing Dustin Diamond sex tape.
1. Receives treatment for burns at a Los Angeles hospital after inadvertently confusing her curling iron for a vibrator.



SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Go to Pieces" by Paul Janz (released in 1985 on A&M Records)



THE BIG PLUNGE: WHAT GOES AROUND...
Yes, folks -- I'm back. For those of you who have stuck around long enough to put up with my periods of inactivity, you will be justly rewarded. I have fifty shares of Enron stock for each of you.

Sorry, it's the best I could come up with. I couldn't find any toilet paper.

So, what's happening around here, you ask? Things are going to be a little different. I will now be publishing every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This will inspire me to be more regular, 'cause lord knows all the fibre in my diet ain't working.

Each day will include semi-regular stuff like mystery quotes (guess the speaker, dead or alive, real or fictional), CELEBRITY CRAPOLA (ripped from the headlines stuff, tweaked by a madman) and other yet to be determined oddities. There will also be regular stuff, such as a few current headlines (aka NEWSFLUSHES), twisted in ways that only I can, and something I call THE BIG PLUNGE (which you're reading right now). This is an actual blog entry that will usually be pop culture related, but every now and then I'll drift into something different.

Which reminds me...

I went grocery shopping yesterday, which is not so unusual. People do it every day, unless you're Nicole Richie, in which case twice yearly will probably do it.

So there I am, in the deli, picking up some kielbasa because I've always wanted to hold my sausage in a public place, you know, just to see people's reactions.

After the kielbasa I make my way around the store, picking up my necessities of life, as well as a few necessities of wife. Finally, after cursing out the store because they have no whole wheat crackers, I saunter up to cash number 10. The lady doing the scanning tells me that I might want to go to a different cash, since she's closed. I tell her that she might want to turn off her damn light, since it's making a liar out of her.

I then trip on down to cash number 8 where, luckily, I don't get rejected like a Star Trek fan asking a cheerleader to the prom. The gal there seems a bit down, like her homework ate her dog or something. But not my problem, thinks I to myself. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she gets to the kielbasa. She picks it up, gives it a good going over, then she tells me that there's no barcode or price on it -- like I'm supposed to have these things memorized. So I says, "sorry, honey. I just buy 'em, I don't price 'em. By the way, go easy on my sausage, it bruises easily."

BA-DUM-BUM!

After the dirtiest look I've received in what has to be days, I pay up and leave.

And head for the liquor store. Which is closed. Because it's only 10:00AM. On a Sunday. In Ontario.

I wasn't laughing. But I'm pretty sure I heard somebody chuckling.

Stay tuned...