Poop'D Culture

MOVING DAY

2007-02-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

I was here. But now I'm gone. See you over there. Adjust your links accordingly.

Thanks for coming and, hopefully, for following.

2007-01-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

Almost back -- AKA A Quick Update

I've been busy, hence the disappearing act. With what, you say?

Well, where do I start. There was that Holiday thing, a family outing, a basement under construction and a meltdown (again) of my existing computer, necessitating repairs and/or a total rebuild. This is being written on the family's new computer -- yes, there will now be two in the house. There's this nice new shiny thing and that other thing, the principle receiver of my best profanity.

Anyway, s'all for now. I will be returning in a week or two, only it likely won't be here. I'll keep all posted when things are straightened out. Thanks to everyone who left comments and thanks to those who just check in now and again.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

To one and all:

Am takin' the obligatory break for this time of year.

So I'll just say Merry Christmas.

Or Happy Hanukkah.

Or Pleasant Festivus.

Or whatever bakes your cookies.

See ya in '07 is some form or another.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-15T11:16:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Jingle Hells -- Christians dismayed by Black Christmas.
(Link) You never give me your money -- Yoko's chauggeur busted for extortion attempt.
(Link) Goodbye, Frank -- Peter Boyle calls it a life.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** A man so funny he's Dorf, Tim Conway is 73
** Long-time blitzer for both the Patriots and Dolphins, Nick Buoniconti is 66
** The man who put the "Dave Clark" in The Dave Clark Five, Dave, um, Clark is 64
** Running things for his fourth team, Detroit Tigers' field boss Jim Leyland is 62
** Former Houston Astros' player and manager -- but not at the same time -- Art Howe is 60
** The original Sonny Crockett, Don Johnson is 57
** Not a sister of Christian Slater, although she once played one, Helen Slater is 43
** Former Trekker Garrett Wang is 38
** Irish actor and Charlize Theron squeeze Stuart Townsend is 34
** Refugee from Orange County, actor Adam Brody is 27

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason (released in 1977 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, December 11:

"Whatever didn't happen, make sure it doesn't happen again!"

-- spoken by Mike Novick (as portrayed on 24 by Jude Ciccolella)

Stay tuned...

2006-12-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) When you're 85 lbs, one shot is all it takes -- Nicole Richie busted for DUI.
(Link) Plastic junk in the trunk -- Tori Spelling holds a yard sale.
(Link) Hell and the Ohio River have frozen over -- WKRP is coming to DVD.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Multi-talented performer Rita Moreno is 75
** Knots Landing alum who is aging just fine, thank you, Donna Mills is 66 -- seriously
** A guy with a mouth just big enough for his foot, Senator John "Herman" Kerry is 63
** A gal who's tougher than she looks, actress Teri Garr is 59
** She made a Jaws sequel and her career lived to tell about it, actress Bess Armstrong is 53
** Brother of a guy who pales in comparison to his former self, Jermaine Jackson is 52
** Director of the Almighty (Bruce and Evan, not the other Guy), Tom Shadyac is 48
** Motley Crue bassist and a man who's lucky to be alive, Nikki Sixx is 48
** Former Astros, Padres and Blue Jays outfielder and blockhead Derek Bell is 38
** Ottawa Senators "C" guy Daniel Alfredsson is 34
** Rapper, actor and man of many names, Mos Def is 33

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Follow Your Heart" by Triumph (released in 1984 on MCA Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Whatever didn't happen, make sure it doesn't happen again!"

-- spoken by **** ****** (as portrayed by **** **********)

Stay tuned...

2006-12-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Take me, I'm yours -- alleged tax evader Snipes surrenders to the Feds.
(Link) Papa Subliminal -- Kevin Nealon and wife are expecting a wee'un.
(Link) Got yer back, Jack -- Rick Shroeder tags along with Kiefer.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Austrian born actor Maximilian Schell is 76
** Boxing promoter not named Don King, Bob Arum is 75
** Closet Oriental David Carradine is 70
** Long retired from booking 'em, James MacArthur is 69
** Musician and ex to Cher about forty plastic surgeries ago, Gregg Allman is 59
** Writer slash director with a film currently showing, Nancy Meyers is 57
** Oscar winner and still smokin' babe Kim Basinger is 53
** ESPN motor mouth Roy Firestone is 53
** Former Duran Duran guy Warren Cuccurullo is 50
** Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen is 49
** Notorious right-wing ditch pig Ann Coulter is 45
** Rail thin Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher is 42
** Infamous Pope ripper Sinead O'Connor is 40
** Mike Mussina, AKA Cito Gaston's favourite pitcher, is 38
** Nextel Cupper (part one) Kevin Harvick is 31
** Still a Lostie Dominic Monaghan is 30
** Nextel Cupper (part two) Ryan Newman is 29
** Former Lostie Ian Somerhalder is 28
** Perhaps soon-to-be traded Blue Jays' slugger and ace glovemanVernon Wells is 28
** San Diego Chargers' pigskin slinger Philip Rivers is 25

HELLO, GOODBYE
Jim Morrison was born on December 8, 1943. John Lennon died on December 8, 1980. Is there a more noteworthy day in rock 'n roll history?

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, December 6:

"Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?"

-- spoken by Peter Griffin (as voiced on Family Guy by Seth MacFarlane)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Porcelain" by Moby (released in 1999 on V2 Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: S IS FOR SUPER, MAN
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... it's... it's a guy in his underwear.

Flying.

Would Superman become a pop cultural phenomenon if he were introduced today? Hard to say, really. The thought of an alien superhero zipping through the air in his best Calvin Kleins while saving the world from megalomaniacs is a bit of a stretch. Now, if he were ridding the world of corrupt politicians and/or Paris Hilton, well, maybe.

In any case, I was excited to see the release of the 14-disc Superman DVD set recently, bringing together all four Christopher Reeve films (even though the last two sucked Kryptonite), and adding the promising but underwhelming Superman Returns and the long pined-for Richard Donner cut of Superman II, along with other assorted animated and documentary-type stuff.

The original 1978 movie is in the box in two different versions -- the original theatrical cut and an extended director's cut stuffed to the rafters with extra footage.

And speaking of different versions, there could hardly be two different versions of the same movie than the theatrical version of Superman II and the newly put together Richard Donner cut that fans have been begging for almost since the movie hit screens in 1980.

The plan for the first two films was for Donner to shoot them back-to-back, a practice that is becoming much more commonplace nowadays (see The Lord of the Rings, The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean for recent examples of this). With the due date for the first film approaching, Donner stopped working on the second film, which had completed about 70 per cent of its principal photography, in order to put the finishing touches on the first.

Donner never got to finish the second. He was canned by producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind before work resumed on the second, which was then turned over to director Richard Lester (best known at that point as director of The Beatles' first two films). Lester ended up using about half of what Donner shot, adding much of his own footage, most notably the Eiffel Tower terror sequence that occurs early in Superman II.

After being disappointed with Lester's Superman III, many fans clamored for Donner to have a chance to put his Superman II together. When Warner Brothers announced the box set earlier this year, the fans got their wish, although originally Donner was going to have nothing to do with the project. But as time went on, the studio came to its senses and Donner came on board, showing an enthusiasm totally lacking any bitterness to which he was probably entitled.

And what a job he did with Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut. While the film is a little rough around the edges in places (one scene was never filmed so screen test footage was utilized), it is faithful to Donner's original vision. It's superior in some ways to Lester's finished product which, despite all the political wrangling in the background, still turned out to be a pretty darned good film.

Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace are pretty bad movies, but still worth watching because every moment with Christopher Reeve in the tights and cape could hardly be called a waste of time.

I've still got some stuff to watch on this set, including the Max Fleischer animated shorts from the forties and the movie that immediately preceded the fifties TV series starring George Reeves, the wonderfully titled Superman and the Mole-Men. And about a weekend's worth of documentaries and deleted scenes.

It's as good a time as any for me to take off. S is also for See ya later.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-06T13:59:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Britney is # 1 for Yahoo searches -- all that looking and nobody's found her panties.
(Link) The real Break-Up -- Jennifer and Vince are "friends" no more
(Link) Will slug for food -- Barry BooHoo goes looking for a job.
(Link) Fear of the Idol -- Lost chickens out, loses an hour.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Jazz legend Dave Brubeck is 86
** Boxing promoter and president of the Hair Club for Extra-Terrestrials, Don King is 74
** Baseball guy with a really short fuse, Larry Bowa is 61
** Former Formula 1 driving champion Keke Rosberg is 58
** Matriarch of the House of Poltergeist JoBeth Williams is 58
** Faber College alumnus and Delta House pledge Tom Hulce is 53
** Survivor cutie and failed actress Colleen Haskell is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries (released in 1994 on Island Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?"

-- spoken by ***** ******* (as voiced by **** *********)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
A new album of Christmas songs by Michael Jackson has been cancelled by the self-proclaimed King of Pop's record label after the singer was allegedly caught trying to be hands-on with The Little Drummer Boy.

THE GREEN MONSTER
I'm not saying that baseball salaries are once again getting out of hand, but the Boston Red Sox just offered a five year, $22 million deal to the New York Yankees' batboy.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) LiLo heads to kegger -- mistakenly ends up at A.A. meeting instead.
(Link) Yeah, but what about that Canadian keyboard dweeb -- Dave re-ups with the Eye.
(Link) At least Kevin Bacon's still alive -- George Clooney mourns his pet pig.
(Link) But cannabis is more fun -- Macca tries to shrink his marital woes.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The last surviving Ronnie, British funny man Ronnie Corbett is 76
** Former Tic-Tac-Dough host with the funny name, Wink Martindale is 72
** He fought the Martians a lifetime ago, retired actor Jimmy Hunt is 67
** The Byrds' bass guy Chris Hillman is 64
** Actor and Beau-bro Jeff Bridges is 57
** He's Stephen King's personal director, Mick Garris is 55
** She used to be thirtysomething, but Brothers & Sisters star Patricia Wettig is now 55
** An actor so tall they made him a Klingon, Tony Todd is 52
** A man who saved a ballgame or two, former ace closer Lee Smith is 49
** Her career clock is ticking like this, actress Marisa Tomei is 42
** Rapper incognito (aren't they all) Shawn Carter -- AKA Jay-Z -- is 37
** Source of many a wet dream (or, uh, so I've heard) Tyra Banks is 33

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Rockin' Chair" by Oasis (released in 1995 on Big Brother Recordings)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, December 1:

"Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities -- gridlike breakfast slabs, extruded mammal fillings, seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it."

-- spoken by Beldar Conehead (as portrayed in The Coneheads by Dan Aykroyd)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Paris Hilton cancelled her appearance at the upcoming Billboard Music Awards, supposedly because she found jokes in her script about her friends objectionable, but Hilton spokesman Elliot Mintz has now confirmed that the real reason for Hilton's rejection is that she hasn't had time to prepare a proper wardrobe malfunction.

Stay tuned...

2006-12-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Volonté vous m'épousez -- Parker and Longoria find each other engaging.
(Link) Somebody tell Yogi it's over -- Charlie and Denise officially become separate entities.
(Link) Fallopian two-bular denial -- Bullock and Hewitt both say they're not expanding.
(Link) Somebody call him a Taxi -- Danny DeVito parades his liver on The View.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former voice from another planet, actor Malachi Throne is 78
** Writer, director and rearer of at least one child, Woody Allen is 71
** Estranged drummer for The Doors, John Densmore is 62
** Victim of a George Costanza forearm shiver, Bette Midler is 61
** Former seventies schmaltz prince Gilbert O'Sullivan is 60
** Long-time big bopper for the Big Red Machine, George Foster is 58
** Now done doing the Everwood thing, actor Treat Williams is 55
** Entertainment Tonight co-anchor and former game show host Bob Goen is 52
** The real gal behind Sex and the City, writer Candace Bushnell is 48
** Pint-sized Dallas hottie and former Joanie Cunningham nemesis Charlene Tilton is 48
** A Canadian dude who really kicked ash, Larry Walker is 39

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Run To Me" by The Bee Gees (released in 1972 on Polydor Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities -- gridlike breakfast slabs, extruded mammal fillings, seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it."

-- spoken by ****** ******** (as portrayed by *** *******)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-29T20:55:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Who's gonna be the Godfather -- Sofia Coppola directs her attention to motherhood.
(Link) Yellow makes me dizzy, too -- kids fave The Wiggles lose their leader.
(Link) Brit's close shave -- the not-so-divine Miss Spears does her best Paris impersonation.
(Link) Shell Games -- it ain't easy bein' an Oakland Raider.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The voice emanating from Chavez Ravine for eons, Vin Scully is 79
** Actress and mother to a girl named Laura, Diane Ladd is 74
** Mike Judge's favourite flugelhorn player, Chuck Mangione, is 66
** Former singing Papa Denny Doherty is 66
** Detroit native and long-time Tigers backstop Bill Freehan is 65
** A man so funny they named a show after him (yeah, 'cause that's never been done before), Garry Shandling is 57
** Co-producer of so many weird movies, Joel Coen is 52
** Funny guy desperately in need of a hair piece, Howie Mandel is 51
** Ex-Mets bopper, third sacker and hotel namesake Howard Johnson is 46
** Former NYPD Blue bare ass Kim Delaney is 45
** Voted as Brat Packer Least Likely to Get Busted By the Fuzz, Andrew McCarthy is 44
** Bound to win an Oscar sooner or later, Don Cheadle is 42
** Former backcourt guy for the Celtics, Raptors and Magic, Dee Brown is 38
** Actress Jennifer Elise Cox, AKA the other Jan Brady, is 37
** Former Baywatch bubblehead Gena Lee Nolin is 35
** Former NBAer who retired way too young, Jamal Mashburn is 34
** Star of the Scary Movie franchise until the day she dies, Anna Faris is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"From A Moving Train" by America (released in 1998 on Oxygen Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 27:

"You can't be a network president alone in Manhattan without adult supervision!"

-- spoken by Dick Solomon (as portrayed on 3rd Rock from the Sun by John Lithgow)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) What took them so long -- Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock take a trip to splitsville.
(Link) Here's a switch -- All My Children adds pre-op transgender character.
(Link) Jacks-On or Jacks-Off -- The Hobbit may get to play with his Peter after all.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Producer of Doctor Who when it started the first time, Verity Lambert is 71
** Long-time Miami Dolphins clipboard carrier Don Strock is 56
** Statuesque movie director Kathryn Bigelow is 55
** Famed Revenge of the Nerds nasal investigator Curtis Armstrong is 53
** Former talking Trans-Am mechanic Patricia McPherson is 52
** Science Guy, the Bill Nye is 51
** Actor who's great at playing creepos, William Fichtner is 50
** Sci-fi writer Michael Stackpole is 49
** Anaheim (not L.A.) Angels manager and former squatter Mike Scioscia is 48
** No longer Miss Moneypenny now that's she's not needed, Samantha Bond is 45
** Alias guy who's bound to show up on Lost sooner or later Michael Vartan is 38
** Well travelled hoopster Nick Van Exel is 35
** Tigers' catcher Ivan "I'm Pudge But I'm Not Carlton Fisk" Rodriguez is 35
** The man who once played the ultimate nerd, Jaleel "Urkel" White, is 30
** Phillies shortstop and former National League rookie of the year Jimmy Rollins is 28

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Eight Miles High" by The Byrds (released in 1966 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"You can't be a network president alone in Manhattan without adult supervision!"

-- spoken by **** ******* (as portrayed by **** *******)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

No post today -- I'm too stuffed from dreaming about all the turkey I'd have eaten had I been American. See ya Monday.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-22T13:33:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The Player no more -- Robert Altman dies at 81.
(Link) Car of the year named -- and it ain't Lightning McQueen.
(Link) Rejected -- FOX puts The Juice back in the freezer.
(Link) CGI: Kansas -- The Wizard of Oz gets an update.
(Link) My Name is Randi -- Ethan Suplee's back in the fatherhood game.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** United Network Command for Law Enforcement dude Robert Vaughn is 74
** Monty Python's token American and chief illustrator, Terry Gilliam is 66
** Famed Battle of the Sexes victor Billie Jean King is 63
** Springsteen guitarist, Sopranos cast member and president of the Bandana of the Month Club, Steve Van Zandt is 56
** Mad About You and Spin City actor Richard Kind is 50
** Retired from acting until James Cameron digs up his True Lies sequel, Jamie Lee Curtis is 48
** Actress with a tragedy laden surname, Mariel Hemingway is 45
** Former NFL interception specialist Eric Allen is 41
** Now appearing as James Bond nemesis Le Chiffre in Casino Royale, Mads Mikkelsen is 41
** Youngest men's Wimbledon champ at 17, Boris "Boom Boom" Becker is 39
** Popular Hollywood second fiddle Mark Ruffalo is 39
** Canadian women's hockey icon Cassie Campbell is 33
** Actress seemingly on the verge of tipping over, Scarlett Johansson is 22

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Hurt Me" by The Odds (released in 1996 on Elektra Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 20:

"Great idea, dude. Go look in the burning death hole..."

-- spoken by Hugo Reyes, AKA Hurley (as portrayed by Jorge Garcia)

THINGS YOU ACCIDENTALLY FIND OUT WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR OTHER THINGS
Somewhere out there in the land of not so wholesome, family entertainment, there is an actress named Demi Willis.

Seriously.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) K-K-Kramer -- Michael Richards drops N-bomb, then dances the mea culpa.
(Link) Mulder sends his best -- Gillian Anderson adds one more to the family.
(Link) New Line has big feet to fill -- The Hobbit moves forward without Peter Jackson.
(Link) Howard Powered -- Phillies' slugger takes home the hardware.
(Link) Cubs get offensive -- Northsiders throw millions at defenseless Soriano.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The best James Bond novelist not named Ian Fleming, John Gardner is 80
** Character actor who's guest starred on almost every show ever made, Jerry Hardin is 77
** Actor and game show lip-locker Richard Dawson is 74
** Half of a really funny whole, entertainer Dick Smothers is 66
** Original "Spirit in the Sky" guy Norman Greenbaum is 64
** Montreal Expos' public enemy #1 until Jeffrey Loria came to town, former L.A. Dodger Rick Monday is 61
** Long-time network news mouth piece Judy Woodruff is 60
** Possibly the only member of The Eagles to own a sense or humour, Joe Walsh is 59
** Veteran character actor whose name practically nobody can remember, Richard Masur is 58
** Still a 10, even if she can't act, Bo Derek is 50
** Long-time Miami Dolphins quarterback hand warmer Dwight Stephenson is 49
** Owner of the name on James Woods' favourite restraining order, actress Sean Young is 47
** Long time ER doctor babe Ming-Na is 43
** Former cast member of a failed Aaron Sorkin show not called Studio 60, Sabrina Lloyd is 36
** Former super flexible American Olympian Dominique Dawes is 30

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"You Know My Name" by Chris Cornell (to be released about a month from now on Universal Music)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Great idea, dude. Go look in the burning death hole..."

-- spoken by **** ***** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

THE BIG PLUNGE: CRAIGHATERS EAT CROW
What they're washing it down with, I have no idea.

And I don't really care.

I have to admit I had my doubts when Daniel Craig was named the new James Bond. I didn't really think the franchise needed anything more than another Pierce Brosnan special effects laden epic, but I figured I'd hold back on the real criticism until after I'd seen Craig tackle the role.

After watching Casino Royale on the weekend, what's to criticize?

Casino Royale is, in a word, brilliant.

And Daniel Craig? Same word -- brilliant.

James Bond is no longer just a superspy. He's also, thanks to Craig's performance, an ass kicking action hero. Anyone who needs proof should watch the Madagascar foot chase that occurs early in the film. It's the stuff that dropped jaws are made of.

High marks must also be given to the supporting cast, including Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Giancarlo Giannini, Jeffrey Wright and Judi Dench.

And one final high five for director Martin Campbell, who brought the franchise back to life in 1996 with Pierce Brosnan's 007 debut in GoldenEye. As good as that film was, this one is better.

I can't wait for the next film, whatever it's going to be called.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Double-0-Splendid -- Daniel Craig debuts as James Bond, and the critics are a likin' it.
(Link) Dancing with the Duchess -- Sarah Ferguson says if Emmitt Smith can do it, well...
(Link) Mission Whoreallygivesashit -- Rome suburb preps for the TomKat onslaught.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Papa to Ron and Clint (and grandPapa to Bryce), actor Rance Howard is 78
** He didn't wreck the Edmund Fitzgerald, he only sang about it, Gordon Lightfoot is 68
** Director of so many great movies, Martin Scorcese is 64
** A man who doesn't look so hot in a tuxedo, actor-director Danny DeVito is 62
** Occasionally comedically-challenged Saturday Night Live guru Lorne Michaels is 62
** Former Miracle Met and Red Machiner Tom Seaver is 62
** Dude looks like a lady, actor Andre Charles (AKA RuPaul) is 46
** Nip/Tucker Dylan Walsh is 43
** Mitch Williams, the favourite pitcher of a certain Joe Carter, is 42
** A hottie, even if she does resemble a Pez dispenser, Daisy Fuentes is 40
** A good Bond girl in a really bad Bond film, Sophie Marceau is 40

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Laugh, Laugh" by The Beau Brummels (or, as they were called millions of years ago, The Beau Brummelstones) (released in 1964 on the Autumn label)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, November 15:

"I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly."

-- spoken by Randy Hickey (as hilariously portrayed on My Name is Earl by Ethan Suplee)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) He didn't, but if he did -- O.J. hypothetically shovels it.
(Link) Didn't see this coming -- Medium FINALLY has its season premiere.
(Link) I almost placed second -- People names George Clooney the sexiest man alive.
(Link) Lost gets lost -- Taye Diggs takes a Day Break.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The one and only Lou Grant, Edward Asner is 77
** Downtown gal Petula Clark is 74
** Massively underrated actor Yaphet Kotto is 59
** Oh, yeah -- professional squared circle "athlete" Randy "Macho Man" Savage is 54
** Former MuchMusic dude J.D. Roberts (AKA current CNN newsguy John Roberts) is 50
** Tonight Show bandleader Kevin Eubanks is 49
** Head man of Nickleback, the most overrated rock band ever, Chad Kroeger is 32
** The nerdiest NCIS special agent ever, actor Sean Murray is 29

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Edge of the Ocean" by Ivy (released in 2001 on Nettwerk Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly."

-- spoken by ***** ****** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

THE BIG PLUNGE: OLD JOE'S FOR NEW
Today, Joe Girardi was named National League manager of the year for 2006, despite the fact that he was fired at the end of the season by the Florida Marlins and their double franchise-wrecking owner, Jeff Loria.

One would have thought that Girardi would not be unemployed for long. And one would be right.

But rather than take another managing job (sorry Texas, Oakland, Washington and Cubbies), Girardi decided to return to the New York Yankees broadcast booth.

Not because he thinks wearing a microphone is the sexiest thing since Pamela Anderson in a red Speedo.

But because he knows long-time Yankees field boss Joe Torre is on borrowed time.

The ideal scenario for the Pinstripers would be one last hurrah for Torre, culminating in another championship. Then Torre rides off into the Cooperstown sunset and Girardi, who was Torre's bench coach before he put on a fish suit, slips into the dugout.

On the other hand, maybe Girardi's only back in the Bronx because he does find that mic all hot and sexy. I have been wrong before -- at least once or twice.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Pray for him -- Elton John wants to send religion packing.
(Link) A blu-ray of sunshine -- Sony's Playstation 3 invades Tokyo.
(Link) Good Grey-cious -- Ellen Pompeo gets engaged.
(Link) Guess who's Ed-specting -- Julie Bowen's working on a wee'un.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Veteran American news dude Peter Arnett is 72
** The man who gave us The Fonz, actor-director and Pennybrother Garry Marshall is 72
** Former Yankees' hurler and pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre is 65
** Mobster Fat Tony's alter ego Joe Mantegna is 59
** Buffalo Sabres captain for life Gilbert Perrault is 56
** Former accomplice to James Bond and former pain in the ass to Harry Tasker, Art Malik is 54
** The only non-porn star to be known as Mr. Big, Chris Noth is 52
** A woman whose hair has a mind of its own, the occasionally funny Whoopi Goldberg is 51
** He plays a cop so much he might as well be one, actor Rex Linn is 50
** Well-travelled actress Caroline Goodall is 47
** Formerly uber accurate NFL place kicker Steve Christie is 39
** Late nite smartass Jimmy Kimmel is 39
** Character actor in training Steve Zahn is 39
** NBA crowd control expert Ron Artest is 27

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, November 10:

"Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex."

-- spoken by Chris Knight (as portrayed in Real Genius by Val Kilmer)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Wait For Me" by The Northern Pikes (released in 1988 on Virgin Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: JACK PALANCE (1919-2006)
I wrote my Friday stuff too early to catch wind of the fact that this terrific actor had moved on to new spiritual digs.

It was hardly surprising, since the man was 87 years-old. But I was saddened, nonetheless.

I haven't seen all of his earlier movies, but one sticks out in my mind for a number of reasons. That film would be Shane, about as good a western as one could possibly find.

This film was big in my family, to the point that I was originally supposed to be named Shane, but it ended up as my middle name instead. My nephew (who is now in his mid 20's) ended up getting the name. It's possible he talks about the movie he was named after, but I just tell people he was named after me.

Jack Palance wasn't Shane -- that honour belonged to Alan Ladd. Palance made his mark early in his career playing badasses like Shane's notorious gunfighter Jack Wilson. He was a natural with that tough, chiselled face and that gruff voice.

Nominated for Academy Awards in back-to-back years in the fifties, real respect wouldn't come for nearly forty years.

He finally scored when he won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1992 for his role as Curly, the tough as nails trail boss with the big heart in City Slickers. Palance turned Hollywood on its ear when he dropped to the floor for some push-ups while accepting his statue. Billy Crystal turned the display into an ongoing joke through the rest of the telecast. After a musical performance that involved many dancing children, Crystal quipped that "Jack Palance is the father of all those children."

But nothing is forever. Palance may have seemed immortal during his big night, but time did end up catching up to him eventually.

Like Crystal's Mitch Robbins said to Curly, I say the same to Mr. Jack Palance: so long, cowboy.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The West Wing it ain't -- Studio 60 bucks odds, gets full season pickup.
(Link) My, what big testicles you have -- K-Fed fights for kids and kash.
(Link) ~~Women and~~ Children First -- Eddie's kid picks up a bass, joins the band.
(Link) Maybe she was aiming for Charlie -- Denise Richards chucks laptop, injures two elderly women.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** A man in need of a bigger boat, Roy Scheider is 74
** Sir Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd Webber's favourite lyricist, is 62
** Veteran prog-rocker Greg Lake (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) is 59
** The man who threw the pitch that Mookie hit and Buckner missed, Bob Stanley is 52
** The man who tried to ruin Godzilla, director Roland Emmerich is 51
** Not much of a sailor, but good for a laugh, comedian Sinbad is 50
** A man of many occupations, including writer every once in a while, Neil Gaiman is 46
** Hygienically-challenged, non-singing cameraman throttler Kenny Rogers is 42
** Very funny guy Tracy Morgan is 38
** No longer the second coming of Jerry Rice, Rams wideout Isaac Bruce is 34
** Goofy lookin' Sin City chick Brittany Murphy is 29
** Princess Diaries pepperpot Heather Matarazzo is 24

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex."

-- spoken by ***** ****** (as portrayed by *** ******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Delilah" by Marshall Crenshaw (released in 1991 on Paradox Records)

I KNOW NOBODY REALLY CARES, BUT I GOTTA SAY IT ANYWAY...
So let me see if I have this straight.

Britney sues Kevin for divorce because (presumably) he's an absentee father due to his full-time occupation as an idiot party hound.

But Kevin's going to try to get custody of the kids.

And he wants spousal support.

And he expects the courts to side with him.

Because he thinks he's such a great father.

Which he proved by abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and their other child to move in on Britney.

Then there's the fact that, outside of pop culture oddity and laughingstock, he has no job prospects whatsoever.

Yup.

He should win in a landslide.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Britney visits Dave looking happier than she has in a long time...
(Link) ...And now we know why -- hasta la vista, shithead!
(Link) LiLo says she hates party girl image -- offers to sell it back to Tara Reid.
(Link) Anna Nicole discharged from hospital -- four different men claim to be her doctor.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former Toronto Maple Leaf goalie and occasional Santa Claus Johnny Bower is 82
** NCAA gridiron coaching legend Bobby Bowden is 77
** Blues-rock singer and slide guitarist Bonnie Raitt is 57
** Entertainment Tonight co-host and owner of a leggy insurance policy, Mary Hart is 56
** Businesswoman, writer, and daughter of the ultimate playboy, Christie Hefner is 54
** Barely a desperate housewife, Alfre Woodcard is 54
** Folk-rock singer and occasional actress Rickie Lee Jones is 52
** A former pretty boy who hasn't aged well, Leif Garrett is 45
** Actress with two last names, Parker Posey is 38
** According to Jim Belushi, Courtney Thorne-Smith really is 39
** A.A. poster girl and owner of the worst boob job ever, Tara Reid is 31
** Former American military ambassador to Iraq Lynndie England is 24

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"There She Goes" by The La's (released in 1990 on Polygram Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, November 6:

"Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"

-- spoken by Jerry Seinfeld (as portrayed on Seinfeld by the single, thin neat guy in the mirror)

Stay tuned...

2006-11-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Kirstie Alley's not half the gal she used to be -- Oprah says the first time's always the hardest.
(Link) Doo-gay Howser -- Neil Patrick Harris officially joins the "that persuasion" club.
(Link) Chasing Thin Lizzie -- Hilary's very own stalker goes in the clink.
(Link) What a cl-ass act -- Kanye West crashes stage at awards show.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Director of so many wonderful films, Mike Nichols is 75
** Owner of the San Francisco 49ers during the glory years, Eddie DeBartolo is 60
** Former airy religious icon and one time runaway bride -- not to mention Forrest's mom -- Sally Field is 60
** Former tennis hacker and current tennis yakker Maria Shriver is 51
** Former Famester and sister to a Beastmaster, Lori Singer is 49
** Son of my favourite fat guy, and brother of a dog food hawker, actor Peter DeLuise is 40
** Survivor of many failed TV shows, Kelly Rutherford is 38
** Forever to be known as the man who lost the goddess Uma, actor Ethan Hawke is 36
** A gal with an interesting first name, actress Thandie Newton is 34
** A three-time mutant and formerly married to one, actress slash model Rebecca Romijn non-Stamos is 34
** JAG's hottest Petty Officer, actress Zoe McLellan is 32
** Singer, actress and survivor of an emergency landing, Taryn Manning is 28

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"

-- spoken by ***** ********

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Secret Messages" by the Electric Light Orchestra (released in 1983 on Jet Records)

AND THEN THERE WERE ELEVEN
Tomorrow will see the release of another DVD set featuring a season of M*A*S*H episodes, but what sets this one apart is that it is the last. So after about five years of DVD waiting, I will finally have the entire 4077th collection, including the original movie and the incredible series finale, "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen."

Sigh. It's going to be a long night.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) One giant leap for a small man -- spacey Tom Cruise gets his own movie studio.
(Link) Things are looking up -- the shuttle Discovery is prepped for December launch.
(Link) Blade surrenders, sorta -- Wesley Snipes reaches agreement with the taxing Feds, avoids crowbar hotel.
(Link) Calling all young Republicans -- Family Ties comes to DVD, FINALLY!

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former Cleveland Indians fireballer and current Cooperstown plaque Bob Feller is 88
** Three-time Massachusetts Governor, failed Presidential candidate and owner of the world's thickest eyebrows, Michael Dukakis is 73
** The mouth (and hair) of The Hollywood Squares, actor and game show announcer Shadoe Stevens is 59
** One-time and one-name James Bond theme singer Lulu is 58
** Long-time heavyweight champion (before that Tyson guy came along) Larry Holmes is 57
** Former Boston Red Sox Monster-banger Dwight Evans is 55
** San Diego Padres crowd favourite and alleged comedienne Roseanne (short for Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas) is 54
** Mrs. Steven Spielberg and former Indiana Jones tagalong Kate Capshaw is 53
** Semi-flamboyant eighties singer, music video pioneer and picnic pest Adam Ant is 52
** Drew Carey's favourite cover girl, Kathy Kinney is 52
** Two-time Super Bowl winning QB and sire to a certain Tampa Bay pivot who'd like to do the same, Phil Simms is 51

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Summer, Highland Falls" by Billy Joel (released in 1976 on Columbia Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, November 1:

"Freakin' girls! Yeah, if it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs, the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to 'em."

-- spoken by Michael Kelso (as portrayed on That '70s Show by Ashton "My Old Lady's Hotter Than Hell" Kutcher)

THE BIG PLUNGE: NOVEMBER SWEEPS
It only comes once a year (except when it also comes in February and May).

That's right -- it's time for television's November sweeps, when the networks rip off their advertisers by offering the only good shit they have in an effort to boost rates during the weaker times. Here, in the nuttiest of nutshells, is a quick look at some of the more interesting programs that are forthcoming:

Dateline NBC: An Intimate Look at the Life of Jenna Jameson
Anchor Stone Philips goes undercover as big stud Stretch Cummins to get an inside scoop on the world famous porn star.

Sugar, Sugar: The Archies Anthology (ABC)
The network tries to repeat the success of The Beatles Anthology, which aired in 1994.

My Name is Earl (NBC)
In a supersize episode, Earl and Randy travel to Afghanistan to cross #217 off Earl's list: "passed on opportunity to kick Osama Bin Laden's ass."

It's Only Syphilis, Charlie Brown (CBS)
Peanuts' lovable loser gets a surprise after Lucy finally lets him kick the ball.

American Logo (The CW)
Hosted by former Smallville star John Schneider, the newest amalgamated kid on the block holds a talent contest to design a new logo for the network, to be judged by the well-respected troika of Ashlee Simpson, Gary Coleman and that bitch was in the first few seasons of Charmed. The new logo is needed after network bigwigs came to the conclusion that the old one looks like a piece of crap scribbled by an impaired preschooler.

Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
In a shocking episode, the staff at Seattle Grace plunge into deep shock after Burke quits the hospital, Derek gives up his RV, and Meredith goes an entire episode without sleeping with anyone.

CSI: Miami (CBS)
All the best efforts of South Florida's Crime Scene Investigation unit go for naught when they are unable to figure out how David Caruso's movie career was killed.

The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
Wayne Knight guest stars in an episode where Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) gets drunk and has a one night stand with a stranger (Knight) after boldly promising to make a new man out of him.

NBC Sports
The National Curling League holds its annual All-Star game.

FOX Movie Special
Kiefer Sutherland stars in a John Hughes film, entitled Ferris Bauer's Day Off.

Stay tuned...

2006-11-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Games over -- Bob Barker gives up the mic.
(Link) Diamond dud -- World Series ratings hit non-pay dirt.
(Link) Cleanliness is next to ugliness -- Courtney mounts a comeback.
(Link) Does Elle Woods do divorces? Another Hollywood marriage bites the dust.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Mother of an undead cinematic serial killer, actress Betsy Palmer is 80
** NHL coaching legend Al Arbour is 74
** South African golf guru Gary Player is 71
** King of Smut and aspiring politician Larry Flynt is 64
** Teacher of the Year Edna Krabappel (AKA actress Marcia Wallace) is 64
** The man who made the ultimate Meat Loaf, rock composer Jim Steinman is 59
** Can't even get into the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame if he buys a ticket, music producer David Foster is 57
** Singer, songwriter and fugly Julia Roberts trivia answer Lyle Lovett is 49
** Master of the one-handed backbeat, Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen is 43
** Singer from another planet Sophie B. Hawkins is 39
** Recently retired hockey cement head Tie Domi is 37
** Aussie actress Toni Collette is 34
** Not currently naked in front of a camera, Jenny McCarthy is 34
** The Queen of Bollywood, Aishwarya Rai is 33
** Hairy American Idol wannabe Bo Bice is 31

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Freakin' girls! Yeah, if it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs, the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to 'em."

-- spoken by ******* ***** (as portrayed by ****** *******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"She's So Young" by The Pursuit of Happiness (released in 1988 on Chrysalis Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: CHANNEL SURFING
(CAUTION: The following may contain the very minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

1. Will tonight's Lost begin with Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" playing? It should, because someone's a goner. I'm betting the lucky corpse is Mr. Jesus Stick, since actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is not currently in Hawaii. On the other hand, Lost actors sometimes go a couple of episodes without even appearing, so who knows.
2. Sitting on my hard drive waiting to be viewed: the series premiere for Heroes. It looks like it's gonna stick around, so I might have to watch it after all.
3. I want to see Omar Epps and Topher Grace film something together, just so I can write something about The Two Eric For(e)mans.
4. As much as Ghost Whisperer is a schmaltzy chick show, the episodes this season have been pretty interesting, especially when Jay Mohr shows up as a hyperactive college professor who studies the supernatural even though he doesn't believe a lick of it.
5. Speaking of Supernatural. If anyone's looking for a good scare, a few good scraps, psychic headaches, a really hot car and some badass evil entities, this is the show for you. Oh, and a special shoutout goes to all those teenage girls lusting after pretty boy stars (and fine actors) Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Without you watching (and padding the Nielsens), this show probably wouldn't have seen season two.
6. I've watched episodes of CSI, CSI:Miami, CSI:N.Y. and NCIS. I still say the one with the military, the misplaced letters and the markharmon is the best of the bunch.
7. Dear Oprah: Feel free to film an episode of your show in my town anytime you want. P.S. Bring me some cash. And maybe a car.
8. Hey, Warner Brothers: Jack & Bobby. Complete Series. DVD. When????
9. Of all the names you could give to a show, why would anyone name it Smith? With a name that not so interesting, no wonder it tanked.
10. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- great pilot (Judd Hirsch should get an Emmy), but everything and/or everyone not named Matthew Perry has pretty much sucked. Especially Amanda Peet, she's just so miscast. It won't be missed.
11. I've kind of been digging Ugly Betty, even though it's not generally my cup of java. But America Ferrera is so endearing as Betty that it's so easy to cheer for this ugly duckling underdog. Then there's Vanessa Williams, who chews the scenery so hard she's going to need dentures.
12. I'm not usually happy that baseball season is over, but since it means that Dr. Gregory Cranky Pants is back in the House, maybe it's actually a good thing.
13. While we're on the subject of the tube, can it actually be called a tube anymore? Most TVs are LCD or plasma nowadays. Should we not be calling TV the crystal, or maybe the gas? I dunno.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cape fear -- is Bryan Singer the right person to direct another Superman film?
(Link) Brad's the Pitts -- an E! for Effort leads to trespass charges.
(Link) St. Louis is the most dangerous American city -- especially for Tigers.
(Link) Apocalypse now -- Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell III" hits stores tomorrow.
(Link) The axeman cometh -- Studio 60 climbs onto the chopping block.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Greg Kinnear's favourite NFL coach, Dick Vermeil, is 70
** Jefferson Airplane/Starship/Whatever vocalist Grace Slick is 67
** The original Captain Knauer, Ed Lauter is 66
** Leather afficionado and world famous shark jumper Henry Winkler is 62
** Eagles bass dude Timothy B. Schmit is 59
** Noted Titan clasher Harry Hamlin is 55
** Former Mrs. Major Dad and current MIA actress Shanna Reed is 50
** Possibly the only British actress not yet cast in a Harry Potter film, Juliet Stevenson is 50
** Former Argentine soccer star and controversy magnet Diego Maradona is 46
** Mr. Gwen Stefani, also known as Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, is 41
** Canadian rap flash-in-the-pan Snow is 38
** Former Third Watcher Nia Long is 36
** The Donald's little girl, Ivanka Trump, is 24

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The incredibly Beatlesque "Bus Stop" by The Hollies (released in 1966 on Parlophone Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 27:

"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by George O'Malley (as portrayed on Grey's Anatomy by T.R. Knight)

WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE FIRST SHOT?
What's that? Naomi Campbell's in trouble with the law? Again? For assaulting someone? AGAIN? Who'd she hit this time? Her drug counsellor? Is she stupid? Or was she on drugs? Why does this keep happening? Isn't it about time somebody pops her one back?

Stay tuned...

2006-10-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Cowboys' coach claims he got a dead rat in a McDonald's salad -- other reports say Terrell Owens is alive and well.
(Link) Nicole Richie's re-learning how to eat -- thanks to her re-pal Paris, she's first learning how to swallow.
(Link) Michael J. Fox says he wasn't off drugs -- America says Rush Limbaugh was on drugs.
(Link) Dr. Burke says mea culpa -- Isaiah Washington takes ownership for Grey's testosterone dustup.
(Link) Britney's manchild says, "if you want to hate me, cool, hate me." You got it, shithead -- we hate you.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Not just on One Day At A Time, but now living life as such, Nanette Fabray is 86
** Former Pittsburgh Pirates slugger Ralph Kiner is 84
** A very classy gal, Ruby Dee is 82
** Possibly the funniest man alive, John Cleese is 67
** Garry Tallent, AKA Bruce Springsteen's bass player, is 57
** Hyperactive Oscar winner Roberto Benigni is 54
** Cy Young winner with the '82 Brewers, Pete Vuckovich is 54
** The ultimate holographic Doctor, Robert Picardo is 53
** Duran Duran squealer Simon Le Bon is 48
** Marla Maples, Donald Trump's other other wife, is 43
** Ultra versatile and ultra stoned rock vocalist Scott Weiland is 39
** Former hockey hairbag Mike Ricci is 35
** Not currently playing in the World Series, Twins hurler Brad Radke is 34
** Cameron Crowe's much younger alter ego, Patrick Fugit, is 24
** Singer slash actress slash bratty Ozzy offspring Kelly Osbourne is 22

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The bittersweet "Moonshine" by Dennis Wilson (released in 1977 on CBS/Caribou Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"This sucks! Christina gets sex and perks."

-- spoken by ****** *'****** (as portrayed by *.*. ******)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Mariah Carey issued a statement to the press today that said, despite media claims to the contrary, she does, in fact, wipe her own ass.

PAGING DR. PHIL
Say you're a tiger. You've got this reputation for being a real meat eater. All of the animals wet their lairs in fear of you. So how in the hell are you going to go back to the jungle in Detroit and explain to the other animals that you got your ass whupped by a little red bird?

Stay tuned...

2006-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link)Watching barely co-ordinated celebrities hoofing becomes new national pastime -- Dancing beats World Series.
(Link)This never happened to Tom -- Keith Urban checks into rehab.
(Link) "I'll take publishing royalties for $100, Alex" -- Ken Jennings does the book thang.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Former baseball executive Lee MacPhail is still kicking at 89
** Don't tell Ralph Branca, but New York Giants' hero Bobby Thomson is 83
** Soap opera vet and member of The Facelift of the Month Club, Jeanne Cooper is 78
** We love you, Mrs. C -- actress Marion Ross is 78
** A world record holder in the chair toss, roundball bully Bobby Knight is 66
** She's still woman -- singer Helen Reddy is 65
** Still hitting the high notes, Yes vocalist Jon Anderson is 62
** Well known participant in a politically charged marriage, James Carville is 62
** Oh, to be tall and Irish -- former Celtics ace Dave Cowens is 58
** Captain of the Miracle on Ice, Mike Eruzione is 52
** She helped give us Aliens and a Terminator or two -- movie producer Gale Anne Hurd is 51
** Sister Steve lives! Tracy Nelson is 43
** The craziest Chandler Bing roommate ever, Adam Goldberg is 36
** Barenaked Ladies co-frontman Ed Robertson is 36
** Droolworthy country singer Chely Wright is 36
** Canadian singer (and a fave of mine) Tara MacLean is 33

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 23:

"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by Elliot Reid (as portrayed on Scrubs by Sarah Chalke)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"I've Been Waiting" by Matthew Sweet (released in 1982 on BMG Music)

HOLY CRAP, JACK!!!
I just watched the trailer for the new season of 24 that starts in January. I think I just soiled myself.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Boning up -- Conan gets unfleshed for Halloween.
(Link) Father Knew Best, now Mother Can Rest -- Jane Wyatt moves on at 96.
(Link) A Brief History of Irreconcilable Differences -- Stephen Hawking's getting divorced.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ballsy former pitcher and current American Senator Jim Bunning is 75
** Novelist, movie director and guy with phonetically challenging last name, Michael Crichton is 64
** Movie director and gay cowboy activist Ang Lee is 52
** Twangy country dude and occasional actor Dwight Yoakam is 50
** One of my favourite movie directors, from way before Spiderman, Sam Raimi is 47
** Parody driven accordian genius Weird Al Yankovic is 47
** Dubbed America's midget by former America's Bigmouth Jim McMahon, Doug Flutie is 44
** Former well-travelled lefthander Al Leiter is 41
** Survivor of one hellacious race car crash, Alex Zanardi is 40
** Actor and on-again off-again paramour of Alanis "Screeching Harmonica" Morissette, Ryan Reynolds is 30

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Now I know how Liza Minelli felt -- when she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien."

-- spoken by ****** **** (as portrayed by ***** ******)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Subdivisions" by Rush (released in 1982 on Anthem Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: TORCHWOOD
"You want to tell his family he died screwing an alien?"
-- Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood

So a new show debuted on the BBC yesterday with its first two of 13 episodes, but I'm in North America so I'm not supposed to have watched it and I'm not supposed to talk about it.

But I did and I'm going to, a little.

The show, as indicated above, is called Torchwood. For those not familiar with British science-fiction, it is a show about an underground (literally) "special ops" group that investigates the presence of aliens in the city of Cardiff, Wales.

For those familiar with British science fiction, then you already know this show to be a spin-off of Doctor Who, recently revived by the Beeb to awesome ratings and mostly excellent reviews.

While both are full of alien intrigue and a quirky character or two, what separates the pair is the target audience.

Doctor Who is aimed more at younger fans, while Torchwood is very much an adult show, filled with enough sex, violence and profanity to give the American Family Association's head fascist Donald Wildmon a f*cking coronary.

Which almost makes me wish it was airing in his living room right about now.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) It's 1968 all over again -- Tigers set to play some Cards.
(Link) George O'Malley's a man's man -- T.R. Knight comes out.
(Link) I see recovering people -- Haley Joel Osment does the "no contest" shuffle, gets time in A.A.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Pulitzer Prize winner and one-time nemesis to Paramount Pictures, Art Buchwald is 81
** My favourite actor to play Father Mulcahy -- William Christopher is 74
** A real Heartbreaker, Tom Petty is 56
** No longer thirtsomething, Melanie Mayron is 54
** A partner in the Great Magic Loogey Conspiracy, Keith Hernandez is 53
** A true friend of the little people, Viggo Mortensen is 48
** What name is on his driver's license? Cordozar Calvin Broadus AKA Snoop Dogg is 32

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Right Down the Line" by Gerry Rafferty (released in 1978 on EMI Records)

JOURNAL OF THE CLUELESS
Dear Diary,

Whassup?

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Wednesday, October 18:

"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken by Sam Winchester (as portrayed in Supernatural by Jared Padalecki)

THE BIG PLUNGE: IT'S SHOWTIME!
'Twas the night before game one, and all through the park, there was nobody nowhere, the place was all dark...

Well, DUH!

That 'lectricity stuff costs lots of dough, ya know. It wouldn't make much sense to turn on the lights 24 hours early. It's not like it's going to help the St. Louis Cardinals.

Uh, a couple of weeks ago I was boldly predicting the demise of the Detroit Tigers at the hands of the New York Yankees. Then I boldly told my brother-in-law that the Tigers were going to get spanked by the Oakland A's.

That's 0-for-2 if anyone's counting.

So how could I possibly go against the Tabbies a third time? The short answer is, I can't.

Besides, a look at the two teams would seem to indicate a Tiger triumph. Their starting pitching seems better, their bullpen is definitely better, the Tigers are rested and, thanks to the American League All-Stars, they have home field advantage.

The only advantage the Cardinals have is that their stadium is still under warranty.

So, I stand here a humbled man, bowing at the foot of the Temple Comerica, hoping and praying that I don't go 0-for-3.

Because a strikeout would be embarrassing. Go Tigers!

Stay tuned...

2006-10-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Calling Sam Gerard -- Wesley Snipes goes on the lam from the Feds.
(Link) Donkey Spice Jr. -- Eddie and Mel B. build a nursery.
(Link) Wash or dry? Bill Murray does dishes at college party.
(Link) Sell the most KFed -- first prize is a party with Britney and her doof; second prize is a pair of smelly sneakers.
(Link) Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor time of death -- well, except for that last part.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Johnny's still going goode -- Chuck Berry turns 80
** The always tactful (figure)head of the Barone clan, Peter Boyle is 71
** To hell with Ginger -- Mary Ann AKA Dawn Wells is 68
** Da Coach, Mike Ditka is 67
** The Masters' favourite pain in the ass, Martha Burk is 65
** Former Detroit Tiger bopper Willie Horton is 64
** Movie soundtrack tunesmith Howard Shore is 60
** An Orkan by tubular marriage, Pam Dawber is 55
** Finally done making a racket, Martina Navratilova is 50
** Forever Detroit's most popular Hitman, Thomas Hearns is 48
** Jean-Claude Van Damme, the ~~meathead~~ muscles from Brussels is 46
** A man that truly blows, Wynton Marsalis is 45
** Canadian speed demon Alex Tagliani is 34
** Disney Channel fave Zac Efron is 19

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Walk Away Renee" by the Left Banke (released in 1967 on Smash Records)

WHO SAID WHAT???
"Wow, give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine."

-- spoken (just last week) by *** ********** (as portrayed by ***** *********)

Stay tuned...

2006-10-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Ugly Betty's lookin' pretty good -- gets full season pick-up.
(Link) BAM! POW! -- Angie's goons rough up shutterbug.
(Link) No more Wasted Days and Wasted Nights -- adios, Freddy Fender.
(Link) Fascinating -- Star Trek auction pulls in a cool $7 million.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** JFletch is still kicking -- Angela Lansbury is 81
** Baseball big mouth Tim McCarver is 65
** Suzanne Somers and her well-mastered thighs are 60
** The King of Brain Melting Theatrical Spoofs, director David Zucker is 59
** Actor turned environmentalist and/or political whackjob Tim Robbins is 48
** From gridiron phenom to washed up in record time, Kordell "Slash" Stewart is 34
** The least predatory of the Nashville Predators, Paul Kariya is 32
** While seeking a little Clarity, singer-songwriter John Mayer has turned 29

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 13:

"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by Homer Simpson

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Good Souls" by Starsailor (released in 2001 on EMI Records)

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
American President George W. Bush this morning strengthened the force fighting the war on terror in Iraq with the announcement that a special team of 55 young men with brutal fighting skills will be sent to the Middle East to scare insurgents into giving up the fight. The University of Miami Hurricanes football team leaves for Baghdad tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Scalpels at twenty paces -- Grey's Anatomy stars mix it up.
(Link) Liver and Let Dry -- Mel says he's been sober for a whopping 65 days.
(Link) How's that search going, eh? O.J. fights to keep himself.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Actress Melinda Dillon, who played the greatest lesbian wife of a hotheaded hockey goaltender ever, is 67
** You can call him Al if you want, but either way singer-songwriter Paul Simon is 65
** Sammy Hagar, who may or may not be the lead singer of Van Halen (depending on which way the wind is blowing), is 59
** Chris Carter, who (for better or worse) gave the world The X-Files, is 50
** Marie Osmond, The Queen of Perky and owner of a worn out womb, is 47
** Kelly Preston, wife of a mad scientologist, is 44
** Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver OF ALL TIME, is 44
** San Diego Padre for life Trevor Hoffman is 39
** Nancy Kerrigan, president of the Tonya Harding fan club, is 37
** Somebody I'll always look up to, roundballer Jermaine O'Neal is 27
** Singer, actor (and chiropractor for all I know) Ashanti is 26
** Aussie swimmer extraordinaire Ian "Thorpedo" Thorpe is 24

WHAT'S A CONDOM?
Speaking of Marie Osmond, she comes from a rather large family -- nine kids, to be exact.

And it's a brood that's learned their lessons well from their parents. The Osmond Family Singers have, between them, 56 kids, an average of seven per Osmond (it's actually six point something, but who's counting). It must be real fun at the family reunions where all the cousins have to wear name tags to identify, not who they are, but who their parents are.

Wow. Fifty-six frickin' kids.

That's almost as many kids as there are in Canada!

WHO SAID WHAT???
"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."

-- spoken by ***** *******

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Metal" by Gary Numan (released in 1980 as the flipside to the mega-hit "Cars" on Beggars Banquet Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: LIDLE THOUGHTS
Timing.

It bit me in the ass two days ago.

Who wasn't stunned when they turned on CNN (or whatever your news poison is) to see a burning building in New York with a report about a plane flying into it?

I know I went a little numb.

The memories of that horrible day were recently refreshed with the fifth anniversary, and here was another reminder, if not a possible recurrence.

But, thankfully, that wasn't the case.

That said, I registered a shudder when it was revealed that New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle had died in the crash. Part of it was because Lidle had pitched here in Toronto in 2003 (I was excited that the Jays got him because he had had three torrid second halves in a row with the Oakland A's). From reading and hearing interviews, he seemed like a real standup guy who didn't dine on his press clippings.

I was definitely saddened. As for that timing thing...

In my last posting I had given it good to the Bronx Bombers, saying all kinds of nasty (well, sarcastic) things about them. I thought about taking it down after the Lidle incident, but decided against it for a couple of reasons.

One, it wasn't about any one person, so it wasn't really personal. And two, who really reads this page nowadays anyway?

I figured I could take my lumps from the four people who check in on a daily basis.

None were forthcoming, I was safe and home free. Sure wish I could say the same for Cory Lidle.

Rest in peace, dude.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) The Simple Strife is over -- Paris and Nicole share a brain once again.
(Link) Show me the money!!! Googly-eyed runaway bride sues ex for her cut.
(Link) Madonna reportedly adopts young African boy -- I want to be adopted next.
(Link) Scarlett says she's not a dirty slut -- the twice-yearly clean HIV tests prove it. Nyah!
(Link) Oy vey! Babs tells heckler to shut the f*ck up.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** The always appreciated but terribly underrated actor David Morse is 53.
** Steve Young, one of the toughest quarterbacks to ever play the game, is 45
** Nicola Bryant, the whiniest Doctor Who companion with the hottest bod, is 44
** Joan Cusack, big sister to the most excellent actor John, is 44
** No longer Young Indiana Jones, especially the young part, Sean Patrick Flanery is 41
** Luke Perry, who spent an eternity in high school, is 41
** Just in time for tonight's premiere of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski is 38
** More than just the sum of her Bones, Emily "Not Zooey" Deschanel is 30
** Buffy babe Michelle Trachtenberg is 21
** The uber-hyped Michelle Wie, who has yet to become Michelle Win, is 17

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Friday, October 6:

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by the 4077th's Hawkeye Pierce (AKA Alan Alda)

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Sub Rosa Speedway" by Klaatu (released in 1973 on GRT Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: PINNED STRIPES
Aw, it's always fun to see a bully taken down.

Okay, maybe bully isn't quite the right word. Although outspending most teams by more than a two to one margin can't exactly be called playing fair.

Under such circumstances, there's no denying the pleasure most baseball fans feel at seeing the hated New York Yankees deprived of post-season glory.

They make the playoffs year after year, mostly on the backs of superstar players who've got their own personal Brinks trucks on standby.

Let's see how the Yanks would do by spending only half as much. They'd still be competitive because their farm system is fertile. But it would make things more challenging (and, one would think, rewarding) for them to win a World Series.

On the other hand, the status quo can be fun, too. It's awfully entertaining watching all these Yankee egos (and the egos of some of their more obnoxious fans) implode on a yearly basis.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

TURKEY TELEGRAM
According to the calendar, today is Thanksgiving in Canada.

STOP

I'm currently unavailable due to gorging of unhealthy amounts of deliciously prepared dead bird.

STOP

I hope to recover in time to continue operations on Wednesday.

STOP

If you're thinking of offering me more food...

STOP!!!

Stay tuned...

2006-10-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Eva Longoria considers changing name to Lindsay Lohan -- injured on set of Desperate Housewives, again.
(Link) Too outrageous for Law & Order -- Basinger and Baldwin (but mostly Basinger) add another episode to their never-ending saga.
(Link) "And here's your host, T.J Dennykirk!" -- Bill Shatner goes all Bob Barker on us.

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Ellen Travolta, sister to a mad scientologist, is 66
** Britt Ekland, who played the dopiest Bond girl ever, is 64
** CBS honcho Les Moonves, who has a special place on David Letterman's dart board, is 57
** Sci-fi writer David Brin (who gave us The Postman before Kevin Costner gave us The Postman, based on a David Brin novel) is 56
** Hottie or not (I can never decide) Elisabeth Shue is 43
** Gymnast turned actor slash musician (like, when does she sleep?) Amy Jo Johnson is 36
** Former New York Liberty beanpole Rebecca Lobo is 33
** Taylor Hicks, who (unfortunately) needs no introduction, is 30

WHO SAID WHAT???
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginny, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how. But I will not carry a gun!"

-- spoken by ******* ******

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Cosmetics" by Gowan, currently known as Lawrence Gowan of Styx (released in 1985 on CBS Records)

IT JUST HAS TO BE SAID
She must be a really great cook, or chef, or whatever because as a talk show host she's more annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard remixed and remastered. I would be talking, of course, about the Sauteeing Smurfette that is Rachael Ray.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Jaime Pressly is Jaime Preggers, but will Darnell the Crab Man find any Joy in this?
(Link) Colt or filly? Tori Spelling's got one in the oven, too.
(Link) George Michael is found slumped over in his car -- no word on whose lap his head was found in.
(Link) Everybody has an axe to grind -- Audioslave guitarist arrested during social protest.
(Link) Emma Watson may drop out of Hogwarts to try other things -- or maybe she wants a bigger slice of magic pie. Who knows...

WHO SAID WHAT???
From Monday, October 2:

"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by Ray Barone (or Ray Romano -- either way the asterisks fit)

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY...
** Charlton Heston is 82 -- if only he looked as young
** Tony LaRussa, the most over-rated baseball manager of my generation, is 62
** Susan Sarandon and her bodacious ta-tas (assuming they're real, of course) are 60
** Armand Assante, who once played Dapper Don Gotti, is 57
** Alicia Silverstone, who I've finally let off the hook for that whole Batgirl thing, is 30
** Rachael Leigh Cook, who I couldn't slander if I tried, is 27

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
There's a rumour floating about the publishing world that Donald Trump is about to put out a book explaining how he got rich and how he manages to maintain his wealth. Spokespeople for The Donald won't comment, but the buzz is that the book essentially breaks Trump's monetary success into two parts: never spend any money on your hair and get a massively overblown book deal to talk about it.

SONG ON THE BRAIN
The hauntingly beautiful "Time" by the Alan Parsons Project (released in 1980 on Arista Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: HEADS OR TAILS
Today begins another hockey season.

Wow, that was so bland. It's not nearly as neat sounding as this time last year when I was saying, "welcome back, assholes!" But then time heals all wounds.

After watching some exciting stuff last year, post-lockout, I finally bought into why the National Hockey League shut down the game. Sure, a huge part of it was about money. I mean, when isn't it?

But the bigwigs that run the NHL, including chief bigwig Gary Bettman (who ain't that big when a runt like me stands next to him) wanted to fix the game, which had become boring and not so major league in the way it was being played.

The riff-raff had taken over, turning the game into a slow clutch and grabfest that cured even the worst insomnia.

But last year the rules changed and the game was given back to the guys who put the puck in the net.

Unfortunately, though, the bigwigs went too far. They also gave us the shootout.

This I have bitched about before (here and here). But it's been awhile, so here goes.

Guys, lose the shootout. It's a pimple on the game that totally destroys the team element. The players bust their asses for 65 minutes, then settle things by basically taking turns calling a coin toss.

It may be fun for the fans, but shootouts cheapen the game far more than the clutch and grab love-in that preceeded it.

Or...

If you must insist on keeping this mini freak show, at least change the points system so that each game is worth three points, instead of two. This way, if the game is won in a shootout, the winners get two and the suckers who can't shoot get one.

It will take the "I" out of team where it doesn't belong, and put it back in integrity where it does.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

NEWSFLUSHES
(Link) Chucky Sheen gets a biiiig raise -- Denise Richards phones her lawyer hoping for same.
(Link) Men from all over claim they're the father of Anna Nicole's baby -- even if they can't remember what she looks like after all the plastic surgery.
(Link) Avril fails saliva test -- apologizes to soggy media.

WHO SAID WHAT???
"The only reason she keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs."

-- spoken by *** ******

CELEBRITY CRAPOLA
Five Lindsay Lohan injuries that haven't been printed in the tabloids (yet):

5. Sprains ankle while trying to stomp out a bag of burning dog turds left on her doorstep by movie exec James G. Robinson.
4. Is resuscitated by paramedics after nearly drowning while trying to shotgun a keg of beer.
3. Suffers black eye when wayward boob pops out of her dress.
2. Develops temporary blindness after viewing Dustin Diamond sex tape.
1. Receives treatment for burns at a Los Angeles hospital after inadvertently confusing her curling iron for a vibrator.

SONG ON THE BRAIN
"Go to Pieces" by Paul Janz (released in 1985 on A&M Records)

THE BIG PLUNGE: WHAT GOES AROUND...
Yes, folks -- I'm back. For those of you who have stuck around long enough to put up with my periods of inactivity, you will be justly rewarded. I have fifty shares of Enron stock for each of you.

Sorry, it's the best I could come up with. I couldn't find any toilet paper.

So, what's happening around here, you ask? Things are going to be a little different. I will now be publishing every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This will inspire me to be more regular, 'cause lord knows all the fibre in my diet ain't working.

Each day will include semi-regular stuff like mystery quotes (guess the speaker, dead or alive, real or fictional), CELEBRITY CRAPOLA (ripped from the headlines stuff, tweaked by a madman) and other yet to be determined oddities. There will also be regular stuff, such as a few current headlines (aka NEWSFLUSHES), twisted in ways that only I can, and something I call THE BIG PLUNGE (which you're reading right now). This is an actual blog entry that will usually be pop culture related, but every now and then I'll drift into something different.

Which reminds me...

I went grocery shopping yesterday, which is not so unusual. People do it every day, unless you're Nicole Richie, in which case twice yearly will probably do it.

So there I am, in the deli, picking up some kielbasa because I've always wanted to hold my sausage in a public place, you know, just to see people's reactions.

After the kielbasa I make my way around the store, picking up my necessities of life, as well as a few necessities of wife. Finally, after cursing out the store because they have no whole wheat crackers, I saunter up to cash number 10. The lady doing the scanning tells me that I might want to go to a different cash, since she's closed. I tell her that she might want to turn off her damn light, since it's making a liar out of her.

I then trip on down to cash number 8 where, luckily, I don't get rejected like a Star Trek fan asking a cheerleader to the prom. The gal there seems a bit down, like her homework ate her dog or something. But not my problem, thinks I to myself. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she gets to the kielbasa. She picks it up, gives it a good going over, then she tells me that there's no barcode or price on it -- like I'm supposed to have these things memorized. So I says, "sorry, honey. I just buy 'em, I don't price 'em. By the way, go easy on my sausage, it bruises easily."

BA-DUM-BUM!

After the dirtiest look I've received in what has to be days, I pay up and leave.

And head for the liquor store. Which is closed. Because it's only 10:00AM. On a Sunday. In Ontario.

I wasn't laughing. But I'm pretty sure I heard somebody chuckling.

Stay tuned...

COMING SOON...

2006-09-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

...A new and improved Poop'D Culture.

I have no idea what "new and improved" is supposed to mean. It's not like new Tide, which is supposed to be a huge improvement over old Tide. Which makes the Tide guys liars when they were hyping old Tide as the world's miracle detergent. I mean, if there was nothing wrong with it, why the hell did it need fixing?

Things around here, however, are in need of, uh, something. I don't know exactly what. More posts would probably help, and the new version of this place will have more content.

I don't want to shut things down, I've just been, ya know, busy.

Doing my laundry.

With old Tide.

Ahem.

I will return in a couple of weeks with a brand new look and a different way of operating.

Stay tuned...

THE DOCTOR IS IN

2006-09-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

He's terminally miserable, downright rude, condescending, sexist, possibly racist and generally a gigantic pain in the ass.

Gawd, how I've missed this guy.

Stay tuned...

EMMY FUHRER

2006-09-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Ya gotta love those fascist yahoos that call themselves the Parents Television Council.

According to this, they've started waving their little red, white and black flags again after Helen Mirren and Callista Flockhart used the words "ass" (EGAD!) and "tit" (HEAVENS!) during the recent Emmy Awards. The PTC argument is that such vulgarity shouldn't be allowed before 10PM, and that the Emmy's had a viewing audience that included millions of children. That claim alone blows what little credibility the PTC has.

Let's face it, you can't get adults to watch the Emmy snoozefest -- just how the hell (oops, I mean heck) are you gonna get the wee-uns to tune in?

In any case, I think I need to set the record straight.

For one, Ms. Mirren, I respect both your tits and your ass, wrinkled though they may be. Two, Ms. Flockhart, have a sandwich or two and maybe you'll find your cleavage -- plus your bony ass won't be slicing up Indiana. And finally, for the record, I think the Parents Television Council is sending its protest energy in the wrong direction.

These nimrods are so uptight about everything that what they really should be protesting is laxatives.

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART XIII

2006-08-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Finally, a computer that works.

Last week my good friend Hewlett P. Ackard came down with something. He was no longer functioning. After a couple of mis-diagnoses, the problem was finally solved yesterday.

Today he's back in the pink, although his memory isn't quite what it used to be. But then that'll happen to all of us sooner or later.

I think.

Um, here are the (long overdue) answers to the most recent movie quote quiz:

1) "You don't walk out on me. I walk out on you."
DONNIE BRASCO (1997): Gangster Lefty Ruggiero (Al Pacino) lays out one of his ground rules.

2) "At least he's not a book burner, you Nazi cow!"
FIELD OF DREAMS (1989): Annie Kinsella (Amy Madigan) defends her husband's honour in the most diplomatic way possible.

3) "You're such a pillowcase."
HEATHERS (1989): While leading scientists try to determine whether she has a heart, one of the Heathers, AKA Heather Chandler (the late Kim Walker), shifts into put-down mode.

4) "Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?"
HELP! (1965): The famous Beatles enlist the assistance of a member of Scotland Yard to help protect Ringo from from being "slaughtered jolly, with a knife" by an Eastern cult. Said Yardie doesn't think much of the band, so John plays a little game of tit for tat.

5) "It's not good, unless you want to give your ass a facial."
UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN (2003): Patti (Sandra Oh) makes fun of the plumbing problems of her good friend Frances (Diane Lane).

6) "An angel does not make love, an angel is love."
BARBARELLA (1968): Possibly because he's hoping to get into Jane Fonda's catsuit, the angel Pygar (John Phillip Law) goes into full Socrates mode. Again, and again, and again...

7) "The dirty old whore told me to do it!"
SLACKERS (2002): (Not So) Cool Ethan (Jason Schwartzman) tries to explain his actions after giving an ill-advised chest massage to a pair of double-D's.

8) "You know what the hardest part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed."
THE SAINT (1997): Master of disguise Simon Templar (Val Kilmer) gets a shot in at an adversary before quickly disappearing back into the masses.

9) "Plenty of guys have broken up with me. You just beat them up and move on."
MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS (2005): FBI Agent Sam Fuller (Regina King) counsels fellow Fed Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) on her love life.

10) "Well, he f*cks like he pitches... sort of all over the place."
BULL DURHAM (1988): Self-proclaimed non-piece of ass Millie (Jenny Robertson) gives her scouting report on raw rookie Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh (Tim Robbins).

Stay tuned...

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM...

2006-08-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

About those movie quotes, uh, answers are forthcoming. Unfortunately, my computer is currently misbehaving (out of freak necessity it is being completely reformatted -- suffice to say it's not going quietly).

I'm currently on a backup that's slower than Paris Hilton during a brainstorming session. Be back ASAP.

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART XIII

2006-08-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's time (or so it would seem) for my weekly post. When did this place become a "weekly," anyway? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's true. Lazy would also be in the eye of the beholder, but I can't be bothered to do any beholding. Which, I suppose, also means that I'm not all that pretty.

But enough of that.

A quick moment to salute Mr. Bruno Kirby, an underrated actor if ever there was one. Bruno is no longer with us after succumbing to leukemia. Those who need a refresher in his talent should watch (in no particular order) Good Morning Vietnam, The Freshman, City Slickers, When Harry Met Sally and Donnie Brasco.

Speaking of the cinema, here are some movie quotes to keep you busy:

1) "You don't walk out on me. I walk out on you."

2) "At least he's not a book burner, you Nazi cow!"

3) "You're such a pillowcase."

4) "Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?"

5) "It's not good, unless you want to give your ass a facial."

6) "An angel does not make love, an angel is love."

7) "The dirty old whore told me to do it!"

8) "You know what the hardest part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed."

9) "Plenty of guys have broken up with me. You just beat them up and move on."

10) "Well, he f*cks like he pitches... sort of all over the place."

Same old rulez -- name the flick and (if you have the courage) the speaker of the quote.

Stay tuned...

DEEP THOTTS

2006-08-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Man, summer sure is going fast. Days become weeks and before you know it you've neglected your web page. I'm so ashamed.

Anyhoo, it would seem that I've had some time to think. A normal person would be thinking of smart stuff, but then I'm no Alfred Einstein. Here's what's been roaming around my untellect for the last little while:

* If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, what's a hand in the bush worth?

* If it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, what happens if she has laryngitis?

* If a bear shits in the woods and there's nobody around, does that mean it stinks? And if so, who's going to be brave enough to go back and tell the bear?

* If one goose is a goose, and two are geese, why aren't two moose meese?

* Shouldn't there be telemarketers on the starship Enterprise?

* If a dog licks its crotch because it can, what would it lick if it couldn't?

* If a little Dutch girl puts her finger in the dike does that make her a lesbian?

* If mountaineers climb mountains how come engineers don't climb engines?

* Do people pay for plastic surgery with a credit card?

* If a Ghostbuster gets busted, who's he gonna call?

* If Michael Jackson gets in touch with his inner child, should he be charged? More importantly, does he beat it?

* Is it true that "polident" is the latin word for beating the snot out of a parrot?

* If she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, how is she going to travel when she goes?

* Do psychics invest in futures?

* If 1 and 1 is 2, and 2 and 2 is 4, shouldn't 3 and 3 be 8?

* If I had a life what would it be worth?

Stay tuned...

Honest...

I'M BACK...

2006-07-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

...and I have some more questions:

For David Copperfield...
Do you ever think inside the box?

For Barry Bonds...
Nervous?

For Haley Joel Osment...
How's the offroading going?

For Floyd Landis...
How you gonna climb this mountain?

For Oprah...
Read any good books lately?

For Danica Patrick...
How do you reach the pedals?

For David Hasselhoff...
Are you as think as I drunk you are?

For Lance Bass...
Did you actually expect us to be shocked?

For Jennifer Love Hewitt...
How's gravity treating you?

For Jack Bauer...
Do you like chow mein?

For J.J. Abrams...
Do you know how to boldly go?

For Pamela Anderson...
Is your video camera battery charged?

For Mel Gibson...
Would you step out of the car, please?

For Richard Hatch...
Is the soap slippery?

Stay tuned...

NO, I HAVENT BEEN TERMINATED...

2006-07-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

"I'll be Bach."

I could never understand what that Schwarzeneggar guy mean't by that, but it sounds good to me. See ya next Sunday.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.17

2006-07-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Minor league baseball manager Joe Mikulik had a meltdown of Billy Martin proportions recently after a close call went against his Asheville Tourists in a game against the Lexington Legends. Mikulik stormed the field to argue with the umpire, only to be thrown out of the game moments later. He then went all Earl Weaver on the umps, abusing bases, home plate and nearly decapitating a batboy. When asked about the incident, Mikulik said he was off his psychiatric medication. Because of this, the league suspended Mikulik five games and made him an honorary Scientologist.

** Ashlee Simpson has reappeared in public after having plastic surgery to have her nose shortened an inch or two. After being accused by some music critics of being even more superficial than was thought possible, Ashlee struck back, saying. "just because I've had the size of my nose reduced a whole lot doesn't make me any less of a person."

** A male streaker hit the court during a women's match at Wimbledon last week, causing Maria Sharapova to turn away in embarrassment. The naked man was given a little time to display his assets, but security soon stepped in and roughly ejected him from the premises once it was discovered that he wasn't wearing white socks.

** Russell Crowe became a father for the second time with the birth of Tennyson Spencer Crowe this past week. Knowing the actor's penchant for physically abusing the press with telecommunications equipment, members of the American press filed a restraining order against Crowe, forcing him to announce the birth using old-fashioned Morse code.

** After witnessing the Independence Day launch of the space shuttle Discovery, Boyfriend of the Month Club member Paris Hilton has decided that she wants to be the next space tourist. When asked what inspired her to take a giant leap for mankind, Hilton said, "I've always wanted to ride the big one."

** Ashley Judd has lashed out at reporters who have suggested she's anorexic or bulimic. The incredibly shrinking Judd, who looks like a Royal Doulton figurine when standing next to heavy-set sister Wynonna, said, "just because I throw up three times a day doesn't mean I have an eating disorder."

** Britney Spears, who recently confirmed to the world for the second time that there is nothing wrong with her ovaries, is taking it off for the August cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine. Originally hubby Kevin Federline was going to appear clean shaven and properly groomed on the cover of GQ, but the couple decided to opt for something less shocking.

Stay tuned...

FUNG-ASS

2006-07-07T06:59:00.000-07:00

I like mushrooms, but sometimes they just taste like shit

Stay tuned...

I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS

2006-07-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

For Dear Abby...
Do you get fan mail?

For Spongebob...
Do those pants cause chafing?

For Warren Buffett?
Can I have some?

For English soccer fans?
Is that the tallest bridge you can find?

For Star Jones?
What's next?

For David Hasselhoff...
Can I give you a hand?

For Paris Hilton...
Are the shots clearing things up?

For Bob Barker...
Do you ever miss the dinosaurs?

For Britney Spears...
Can I buy your man a vasectomy?

For Brandon Routh...
Is that thing real?

For Jimmy Hoffa...
Where the Hell are you?

For Brett Myers?
How do you spell HALF?

For Lindsay Lohan...
Do those things spill out of your shirt on command?

For Michelle Rodriguez?
Est-ce que je peux voir votre permis et enregistrement, sil vous plait?

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.16

2006-06-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Somewhat waifish Brittany Murphy has been cast as the pixie Tinker Bell by Disney in a direct to video release called, oddly enough, Tinker Bell. The film will primarily be computer animated, but to save costs Murphy herself will appear in the film, after having been shrunk down to size by a recently recovered ray gun originally used in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

** Canadian music channel Muchmusic recently held its video awards, with the channel bringing the bubblehead twosome of Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling north to host the event. When asked about the curious choice of Spelling and Hilton to emcee things, a Much spokesperson said "the last few shows have been stinkers. We're just trying to air out the joint."

** With the release of his latest film, Click, Adam Sandler has once again stated to the world that, despite rumours to the contrary, he is not related to, in love with, or addicted to Rob Schneider.

** Charlie Sheen, fresh off a restraining order from soon-to be ex-wife Denise Richards, is in trouble with new girlfriend Brooke Mueller after claiming that the World Cup is the most overrated event next to the B-Cup Wet T-Shirt competition at the local strip bar. Said Charlie, "I didn't mean to offend her. I mean, I had no idea she was such a big soccer fan."

** American congressman William Jefferson, facing bribery and corruption charges after the FBI found almost $100,000 hidden in his freezer, is claiming the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. Said the con... gressman, "I stop just short of being a certain William Jefferson Clinton, and look at what he got away with."

** A spokesperson for Hostess is denying a report that the company is moving its production of Twinkies, the eternally popular white sponge cake with the vanilla filling, from Chicago to Montgomery, Alabama. The rumoured move hit the news last week, along with a report that the snack will be rechristened "Cake! Cake! Cake!"

Stay tuned...

INTRODUCING...

2006-06-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

My new friend

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.15

2006-06-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** Britney Spears, citing a need to get away from it all, is pondering the idea of having her second child born in Namibia, a la Angelina Jolie. When asked whether husband Kevin Federline would accompany her, a spokesperson for Spears said "no. He's 'it all.'"

** A report that Dan Rather will be leaving CBS has been confirmed by a spokesperson. Rather recently left his anchor position, taking a spot with the eye network's 60 Minutes, a gig he apparently wasn't supposed to get. Said the spokesperson, "when Dan left the anchor desk he thought we said he could have 60 Minutes. But in actual fact, we gave him 60 minutes to gather his things and get the hell out."

** Reports that Pamela Anderson has once again upsized to bigger breast implants have been denied by an Anderson spokesperson, despite a leaked 911 call that has the top-heavy Anderson stuck to the floor while tearily screaming "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

** After making a go of things as an amateur porn star and a b-movie actress, Paris Hilton is going to give it a go as a pop star, with her first CD due in stores at the end of July. In other news, the price of oil is nearing record highs, the American dollar continues to stumble and earplugs are now going for $457 a pair.

Stay tuned...

I DON'T GET IT...

2006-06-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

The World Cup of Soccer, er, I mean Football, is upon us and billions of fans have turned into territorial, ravenous pack wolves.

You see it on the streets everyday. Horns are honking, hands are waving and everybody's car is an import, regardless of make, thanks to a liberal peppering of foreign flags hanging from just about every other vehicle.

The mantra of these semi-mad folk is "don't mess with our team, or else pay the consequences," which range anywhere from name calling to a nice permanent spot under a shade tree, complete with complimentary pine box.

Of course, things are a little tamer on the top-left side of the home orb, where the word "nil" is used more as a description of Paris Hilton's intelligence than as a score (or lack thereof) on the soccer pitch.

That's not to say we North Americans don't get rabid about sports. North North Americans (AKA Canadians) rank hockey just behind family and slightly ahead of religion.

The other North Americans are South North Americans, which became such a mouthful that it got shortened to just plain old Americans. They go rabid over football (the one that gets held in the hands and only occasionally kicked), baseball, basketball and something odd they call "nasskarr."

But soccer? Nuh-uh.

You see, when we watch our sports we like things to, you know, happen. We want points. We want runs. And we want goals.

The only points in soccer are the ones the judges award to the divers for artistic merit. The runs are taken care of through careful ingestation of Pepto Bismol. And goals, well, they're almost as difficult to come by as the remains of one James Hoffa.

Soccer is the only game where ninety minutes pass and a ton of stuff almost happens.

It's nearly an unsport. That's not to say it's not athletic. But then fleeing the cops on foot takes athleticism, but you don't see it in the Olympics, now do ya?

And don't even get me started on settling a game with penalty kicks!

Okay, get me started.

Simply put, it's stupid. Many soccer fans will say that baseball's stupid. But they don't settle baseball games with a home run derby, do they?

Soccer. Sheesh.

I don't think I'll ever get it.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.14

2006-06-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

(DISCLAIMER: May the Farce be with you.)

Recently, in the news:

** There are reports that Jennifer Aniston became sick upon hearing of the birth of Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie, ex-hubby Brad Pitt's new offspring with Angelina Jolie. But it turns out that she just got dizzy while trying to wrap her tongue around the little tyke's full name.

** Anna Nicole Smith has announced that she's pregnant. An unnamed 86 year-old oil tycoon from San Antonio with more money than his senility can count has denied that he's the father.

** In an interview with Barbara Walters, Lindsay Lohan denied that she's undergoing hypnosis for being a shopoholic. The interview ended prematurely, however, after Walters snapped her fingers and Lohan began to bark like a dog and lick herself.

** Newly crowned American Idol Taylor Hicks has signed a recording contract, with his first single to be a cover of Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)."

** In a poll of 500 male moviegoers, Ursula Andress was named the best Bond girl. In a secondary poll, Denise Richards and Tanya Roberts were tied for the worst Bond girl that most guys would like to nail anyway.

** Barry Bonds recently hit his 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth on the all-time list. The fan who caught the ball made a circus-like catch, jumping from the upper deck and landing on his feet. He was immediately rushed away by Major League Baseball to be tested for steroids.

** In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Liz Taylor denied she has Alzheimer's. Five minutes later, while talking to the same reporter, she denied being inteviewed by Entertainment Tonight.

** In a stunning development, semi-pornographic pictures of Paul McCartney's estranged wife have been unearthed by the press. In response to this latest bout of bad publicity, Heather Mills McCartney went on Larry King to protest the beaver hunt.

** George W. Bush celebrated into the wee hours of the morning after coalition forces finally located and killed al-Zarqawi. A spokesperson said that Bush hasn't been this excited since he defeated the liberal infidel al-Gore.

Stay tuned...

SHIFTING PRIORITIES...

2006-06-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Now that mighty America has finally taken care of that inhumane, rat bastard, country killing, sonofabitch al-Zarqawi, do you think they can now turn their priorities on dealing with that inhumane, rat~~bastard~~tyhaired, country, ~~sonofa~~bitch Annie "Has Anyone Seen My Heart" Coulter?

Just a thought.

Stay tuned...

TWO JACKS, SOME WAITING

2006-06-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

(WATCH OUT! THERE'S SPOILERS ABOUT.)

God bless steel-toed shoes. Thems patio stones is heavy.

Ahem.

Anyway, I'm finally taking a little bit of time to reflect on the end of another TV season. I touched a little on some of this recently the last time I went Channel Surfing.

At that time, two of the year's biggest season finales had yet to air -- the Two Jacks weren't done yet.

In Los Angeles, Jack Bauer had thwarted yet another terrorist incursion. Usually such thwarting is saved for the finale, but on this day (and it's always a DAY on 24) the world was saved one hour early. This left the last hour for Bauer to go after the most powerful man in the world, AKA United States President Charles Logan, who took time out from his reign as Richard Nixon Look-Alike Contest champion to wreak havoc on the good folks of the left coast.

It looked like Logan was going to get away with his scheme, which involved the assassination of former President David Palmer, the attempted assassination of Russian President Subarov and a terrorist crisis of Logan's creation, seemingly created so that he could save the day and secure some hallowed space in the ol' history books.

The day may have been saved, but thanks to Bauer and the Counter Terrorist Unit, Logan's Presidential legacy fell victim to the workings of a poison pen. Of sorts. Sometimes it's just best to keep one's mouth shut when writing utensils are hanging about.

As for Jack, he ended the season on a slow boat to China after being snagged by Chinese agents intent on bringing Bauer to "justice" for his actions in the Chinese Consulate back in season four. Hmmm.

Mystery to be solved in January 2007.

Meanwhile, back on Gilligan's Island...

Well, who the hell knows what's happening on Lost. The other Jack (the one not named Bauer, although he's not one of The Others -- yes, it's confusing) and a few of his friends (let's call them Kate, Sawyer and Hurley) were led into a trap by former friend Michael, who would do anything to retrieve his son, Walt, who was abducted by The Others at the end of the first season.

Then there's the return of Desmond to his hatch, in which Mr. Eko had set up shop to continue the punching of the button every 108 minutes. John Locke was convinced that the button had no purpose, and barricaded himself in the hatch with Eko on the outside -- so that he could let the countdown run out. Run out it did, causing an electromagnetic meltdown. This, along with the excluded Mr. Eko trying to blast his way inside with some dynamite, caused some, uh, problems.

The meltdown abated, thanks to some key work by the mysterious Desmond, but viewers were left hanging. What has become of Desmond, Eko and Locke?

The answers to this and many other questions are sure to be supplied (or not supplied) come November, when Lost returns for season three, which will be less about the characters we've come to know and scratch our heads over, and more about the mysterious Others (or Hostiles, as other non-Others are known to have called them -- yes, it's really confusing).

As long as the story moves and remains intriguing, then Lost should continue to remain one of the best shows on television.

Or...

It will crumble under the weight of its ever-growing pile of loose plot threads and spiral into the abyss of TV after thoughts.

We shall see.

Stay tuned...

M.I.A. DUE TO P.I.P.

2006-05-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to a theatre near you...

"THE INVISIBLE MAN"

Starring...

Um... me.

Okay, so I've made myself scarce -- I have a good excuse.

I've been a little busy tossing around limestone and patio stones in the ol' back yard. This, coupled with my extremely busy work schedule -- which occasionally also involves tossing around limestone and patio stones -- has left me with a shortage of both time and energy.

But I will weigh in on a couple of things this week, most notably the season finales involving a couple of Jacks. And I may or may not come up with 715 reasons to hate Barry Bonds.

Until then.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

2006-05-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

(CAUTION: The following may contain the very minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

1) So The CW has decided that the series finale of 7th Heaven sucked, or something... so they're bringing it back for an eleventh season. Which makes it 11th Heaven, I guess.

2) Speaking of The CW, the new network has finally released its logo. The name of the six year-old who designed it has not been released.

3) I'm flippin' through and I come across television's answer to disco, AKA The Jerry Springer Show. You remember disco, right? A fad that was so popular, and yet it took the pulling of teeth to get anyone to admit they liked it. Jerry's show is the same thing. Now, I can handle listening to the Bee Gees (don't tell anyone), but I'd rather soil my shorts and sit in it than watch five minutes of Jerry. Thank goodness I changed the channel after only ten seconds. But what a ten seconds -- two trailer park hags (combined weight approximately 200 pounds) getting into a scrap, with about three "security" guys (did I say guys? I mean't NFL linemen -- combined weight approximately 950 pounds) struggling to pull them apart. That's right -- struggling. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think that show's fixed.

4) I finally saw the highlights for this year's Kentucky Derby. Man, that Barbaro can really run. But it would have been a much more interesting race had Tori Spelling not been scratched so she could run off and get married.

5) I am sitting on downloaded copies of the last two episodes of the first season of Supernatural. I don't know if I've said it before, but I'll say it (again?) anyway -- this show kicks ass! Can't wait for season 2, since the show's renewal is now officially, uh, official.

6) R.I.P. Joey. Tribbiani, not Buttafuoco.

7) R.I.P. Reba. Or not. I'm guessing somebody out there must have pictures of CBS honcho Les Moonves fit for blackmailing.

8) The season finale of 24 fast approacheth. In other news, the FOX network has placed an order for 100 virtual body bags.

9) The season finale of Lost also fast approacheth. In other news, ABC has called FOX to see if they'll lend them some of those virtual body bags.

10) DVD releases for the first seasons of Invasion and Commander-in-Chief have been announced. Each will come with a sticker that says "and only," to be placed immediately after the word "first."

11) So there it is on CNN and ET and E! and all the other alphabets -- Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are heading down the long and winding road to splitsville. I don't know which of the two wanted out of the marriage first, but if it was Mills it's a good thing she did this while Ringo Starr is still alive, lest she become known as the woman who broke up the Beatle.

12) Speaking of Invasion -- what a let down. Not that it got cancelled, but because it started so good and then the story moved so damn slow. I haven't experienced anything that sluggish since I digested my last buffet.

13) Ghost Whisperer is one of those shows that can only qualify as schmaltzy guilty pleasure material. It's daft and simplistic, but fun to watch if you can find a place to stow your intellect for an hour. That said, the two-part season finale was terrific (especially the first part). Now if I can only figure out what the producers are going to do with Aisha Tyler's character. Hmmm...

14) A question: why are infomercials always hosted by people who have absolutely no frickin' clue about the products they're supposedly pushing?

15) My DVD collection won't be complete until somebody releases the classic British sitcom Doctor in the House (AKA Doctor in Charge, Doctor at Sea, etc). Can't even find any decent bootlegs, doggamit.

16) Comment space available for rent. Any offer, reasonable or otherwise, accepted.

Stay tuned...

RANDOM QUOTE

2006-05-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

"Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free."

-- Frank Burns

Stay tuned...

THEY SAID THAT, PART XII

2006-05-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

Here are the answers to last week's movie quote quiz, most of which have already been answered by people way smarter than me. Or I. Damn, I can never get those two straight:

1) "Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked?"
THE SANDLOT (1993): Catcher Ham Porter (Patrick Renna) does his best to distract an opposing batter during a game of pick-up baseball.

2) "Look what I accomplished in a week? And I did it without computers."
OH, GOD! BOOK II (1980): The Almighty (better known to us agnostics as the late George Burns) tries to give the young and exceptionally frustrated Tracy Richards (LouAnn) a pep talk.

3) "Ted Williams would roll over in his freezer if he saw this."
FEVER PITCH (2005): Obsessed Red Sox' fan Ben Wrightman (Jimmy Fallon) and his pals show their disgust over three members of their hallowed team (Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon and Johnny Damon) happily enjoying their meal after a loss. The bastards.

4) "Man, you smell like phys-ed."
THE GOONIES (1985): Imprisoned Goonie Chunk (Jeff Cohen) gives his new friend Sloth (John Matuszak) a brief lesson in hygiene.

5) "I'm sorry I spoke so harshly about your vagina this morning."
A DIRTY SHAME (2004): Sylvia Stickles (Tracey Ullman) apologizes to her buxom-beyond-belief daughter Caprice (Selma Blair) for calling her a slut... or a Republican... or something almost as unseemly. I really don't remember.

6) "Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?"
REAL GENIUS (1985): The brilliantly twisted Chris Knight (Val Kilmer) stirs the words of the young but brilliant Mitch Taylor (Gabe Jarret) to comic perfection.

7) "You wanna hear something funny? Back in Memphis, my dentist's name is James Spalding."
CAST AWAY (2000): Stranded plane crash victim Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) shares some irony with his pal, Wilson the Volleyball.

8) "Lutz and Biddle. It's like Kibbles 'N Bits, but different."
BEVERLY HILLS COP II (1987): Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) makes fun of the names of the extremely annoying Chief of the Los Angeles police department and the Chief's equally annoying lackey.

9) "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the United States you're standin' in as to just how dumb you are."
SMOKEY & THE BANDIT (1977): Bo 'Bandit' Darville (Burt Reynolds) explains the correlation between intelligence and geography to runaway bride Carrie (Sally Field).

10) "Broke into the wrong g*ddamn rec room, didn't ya, you bastard!"
TREMORS (1990): NRA worshipper Burt Gummer (Michael Gross), with loyal and loving and packing wife Heather (Reba McEntire) at his side, taunts the biggest g*ddamn dead worm a redneck's ever laid eyes on.

We'll do this again in a few weeks.

Stay tuned...

CH-CH-CHANGES...

2006-05-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

There is no DVD update today.

In fact, I'm rethinking my whole obsession with the DVD thing. The weekly updates are going to be discontinued. The same applies to the separate DVD site. Work pressures and other things are making it difficult to keep up. But I'll still be writing about the odd release, as well as keeping up on things TV, film and the occasional miscellaneous.

I'm scaling back, but I'm not going away.

As for those tricky movie quotes, the answers will be posted on Thursday. Meanwhile, here are some hints:

1) Big dog's got balls

2) Say goodnight, Gracie

3) The curse is lifted

5) Waters under the bridge

8) Dirty Rosewood

9) Eastbound and down

10) The really big early worm gets the bird

Stay tuned...

WHO SAID THAT? PART XII

2006-05-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Here are the previously promised quotes a la filme. A couple are pretty easy, but most of them are designed to drive people completely insane with frustration. Although the most I'll probably get is a shrug.

Here they are:

1) "Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked?"

2) "Look what I accomplished in a week? And I did it without computers."

3) "Ted Williams would roll over in his freezer if he saw this."

4) "Man, you smell like phys-ed."

5) "I'm sorry I spoke so harshly about your vagina this morning."

6) "Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?"

7) "You wanna hear something funny? Back in Memphis, my dentist's name is James Spalding."

8) "Lutz and Biddle. It's like Kibbles 'N Bits, but different."

9) "When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the United States you're standin' in as to just how dumb you are."

10) "Broke into the wrong g*ddamn rec room, didn't ya, you bastard!"

Rules revisited: Name the film and, if possible, the speaker of the quote.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-05-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

I never really got into the films of Tennessee Williams (I've only seen one in full, and that was over twenty years ago). Well, actually the films based on Tennessee Williams' plays.

But there's no denying their impact on the world of pop culture.

Despite being hated by Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) was a smash success that won two Academy Awards (but not for stars Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor). And A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) is famous for a lot of things, but most notably Marlon Brando's wailing of "STELLA!," topped only (in my opinion) by William Shatner's wailing of "KHAN!" in Star Trek II in 1982.

Now these two famous Williams adaptations are part of a deluxe box set that also includes Sweet Bird of Youth (1962), The Night of the Iguana (1964), Baby Doll (1956), The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone (1961), all of which are available in separate releases.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

DELICATESSEN
Critics loved this strange film from France (co-directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, better know on this side of the pond as the guy who screwed up Alien: Resurrection). The plot (from IMDB.com): "Post-apocalyptic surrealist black comedy about the landlord of an apartment building who creates cannibalistic meals for his odd tenants." If that's not a recipe for heartburn, I don't know what is.

DINOSAURS - Seasons 1 & 2
Back in the early nineties, ABC decided to jump on the bandwagon built by those yellow folks from Springfield, XX by starting up this show, which wasn't animated but was more of an animatronic thang -- kind of a Muppets meets the Flintstones. Alas, clever writing couldn't save it. It did, however, manage to get through two more seasons before its extinction. (Four discs, 29 episodes)

I LOVE LUCY - Season 6
Everybody's favourite redhead continues her pop culture resurgence from beyond the grave with this sixth and final season release of the legendary show. (Four discs, 27 episodes)

KING OF THE HILL - Season 6
This show was all but dead. Everyone was let go, there was no future. Then a little while ago, FOX said "hey, you're coming back next fall. Don't go anywhere." Which has very little to do with this sixth season release, but it's a cute story anyway. (Three discs, 21 episodes)

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER - Season 2
Gee Wally, I don't know. Another season set DVD release? What will Lumpy think? (Three discs, 39 episodes)

THE NANNY - Season 2
There is nothing more annoying than the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. Except for the sound of Fran Drescher laughing, that is. Still, with the sound turned down she's almost tolerable. (Three discs, 26 episodes)

RED DWARF - Series 8
Or, as it says on the DVD box, series VIII. There's nothing like those British when they get all spacey. 'Cause, like, they start using Roman numerals and stuff. Can you tell I've never watched this show, despite many an opportunity and the words of several people/nerds I know that say it's one of the funniest things ever to come out of the United Kingdom? Seriously. Supposedly it ranks right between The Two Ronnies and Prince Charles' ears on the hierarchy of British humour. (Three discs, 8 episodes)

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY, MONDAY... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

2006-05-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I lied.

Yes, I said I'd be back on Sunday. But, gosh darn it, things just didn't quite work out that way.

Besides, if I actually came back on Crapola day, I'd have to write something like "Mexico has announced its plans to legalize possession of limited amounts of cocaine, marijuana and heroine. In other news, Whitney Houston has announced plans to record her next album in Tijuana, with the first single to be a schmaltzy love ballad version of Weezer's "Hash Pipe."

But I just didn't feel like doing that yesterday. I mean, it was so gorgeous outside that it seemed almost sacriligious to be not so nice on such a nice day. And since I sometimes find it difficult to be nice, I did the next best thing.

I abstained.

I don't plan on making a habit of it, however. Later this week I'm bringing back some (hopefully challenging) movie quotes. Plus, it's May, which is the big month in the world of television where struggling shows come off life support and head for recovery -- except for the ones that get stashed in a pine box.

So, assuming you're still visiting with any regularity, I ask you to stick around and make yourself comfortable. Or uncomfortable if you prefer that sort of thing.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-04-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, how do I describe this one?

Well, it's based on a cartoon that aired on MTV in the nineties, sort of a Lara Croft meets Barbarella, but for the younger crowd. As for the film, well, after seeing Charlize Theron decked out in a cat suit, I'm just lost for words.

Thankfully, I'm not the only voice.

Says Zap2it's Norman Wilner (because I couldn't say it better myself): "It's silly, it's pointless, and director Karyn Kusama clearly has no idea what she's doing... but if you're looking for a mindless action movie set in a dystopic future society where hot women with killer hair perform elaborate acrobatic routines in clingy leotards while blowing crap up left and right ... well, this one has Oscar cred!"

Um, wow. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?

ALSO OUT TODAY:

AMERICAN DAD - Volume 1
Seth MacFarlane's OTHER animated show gets its first DVD release. Network upfronts are in a few weeks -- when we find out what shows are coming back and what shows are being fitted for tombstones. This one will likely be coming back. (Three discs, 13 episodes)

DOCTOR DOLITTLE 3
The popularity of the first two modern Doctor Dolittles should have taught the producers of the third that if there's no Eddie Murphy, there's no movie. But they went ahead and made it anyway, in the form of a cheap direct to DVD special with Dolittle daughter Maya (Kyla Pratt) filling in for her father, who's apparently too busy making an animated ass out of himself. For those starting from scratch, a box set of all three films is also available.

GUYS AND DOLLS (Deluxe Edition)
Brando AND Sinatra? In the same film? Wow! Movies like this are why widescreen was invented. Not because it's such a visual spectacle, but because you need the extra space just to fit the egos in. In any case, Joseph Mankiewicz' classic musical gets a DVD upgrade over the release from 2003.

LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY - Complete Series
Dick Wolf has obviously lost his touch. Law & Order: Trial By Jury became the first Law & Order: Cancelled By Network. As bad as that was for Mr. Wolf, the others may not be far behind, including the once untouchable original. (Three discs, 14 episodes)

ODYSSEY 5 - Complete Series
This is another one of those "goofy" sci-fi shows that probably deserved a better fate. "Complete Series" sounds so cool, except that all it usually means is that the nobody watched the damn thing. (Five discs, 19 episodes)

REBA - Season 3
One of the smartest sitcoms still on the tube, this one's a cinch to be back on The WB next season. Whoops, did I say WB? I meant CW. Don't worry, I'll be OK. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

SHOPGIRL
There was some eary Oscar buzz for both Steve Martin and Claire Danes for their performances in this film, which was based on a book that Martin wrote. The buzz fizzled though, probably because Academy voters were repulsed by the idea of the somewhat homely Martin getting it on with the much younger (and slightly less homely) Danes.

TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE
Here we go again with more reality schlock. As soon as the former Mr. Pamela Anderson graduates, I sincerely hope he goes to see his doctor. After dipping his stick in the soft spot of many a groupie -- not to mention his well-travelled ex -- I'll bet there's plenty below his belt line to keep his medicine man busy for quite awhile. Hopefully long enough to prevent Tommy from taking part in a sequel. (One disc, six episodes)

THE WALTONS - Season 3
This show was quite popular in the seventies, although I had difficulty watching anything where the characters had names like John Boy and Jim-Bob. I guess I just prefer that my hillbillies be from Beverly Hills. (Five discs, 25 episodes)

THE WEDDING SINGER (Totally Awesome Edition)
A new improved DVD edition of the Adam Sandler favourite that also starred Drew Barrymore and the overly punkified remains of an awkwardly aging Billy Idol. I kid you not.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-04-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I understand the current fascination with horror movies that are made for no other reason than to test the scotch guarding on movie theatre seats.

(In case I just lost you, that was a joke about vomit and its nefarious staining properties.)

In any case, here we are again with another flick that may or may not have a plot. Rumour has it that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is examining the shooting script for evidence.

But none of that matters as long as these schlockfests continue to roll in the dinero at the movie houses. Two Saw flicks have sliced and diced their way to the hearts of movie studio accountants, with a third on the way.

Then there's this movie, which continues in that "to hell with the story, just kill everyone as much as you can" frame of mind.

Surely the fake Red Cross must be out of fake blood by now.

No?

Well, be prepared for another Hostel, then.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

DOOGIE HOWSER - Season 4
This is it -- four seasons and Doogie's done. (Four discs, 22 episodes)

EVENT HORIZON (Collector's Edition)
Just before he was Morpheus, Laurence Fishburne played a guy with a far less interesting name (Captain Miller) in this so-so sci-fi flick. But there were other good people along for the ride, most notable Sam Neill (star of two Jurassic Park films), Kathleen Quinlan (Jim Lovell's wife in Apollo 13), Jason Isaacs (Draco's dad in the Harry Potter films) and Sean Pertwee (son of the third Doctor Who and a decent actor in his own right). This collector's edition replaces the original bare-bones DVD, released in 1991.

THE KILLING TIME
Long before his life became a repititious hard day's night, Kiefer Sutherland was his big movie star. Sometimes, he even got to play the bad guy, like in this late eighties box office afterthought.

MOONSTRUCK (Deluxe Edition)
The more I see Cher act, the more I think she should give up singing. She's great onscreen (she won an Oscar for this role), but nowadays there's just something about the sound of her singing voice that almost makes me want to trade places with Sonny Bono. This release replaces the original DVD from 2003.

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Somebody once wrote that Judi Dench could get an Oscar nomination for reading the phone book. This film, about a widow who turns an old London theatre into more than the sum of its parts, was short on phone books, but the Academy nominated Dench anyway.

REMINGTON STEELE - Season 3
The third of five seasons of the show that prevented Pierce Brosnan from becoming Bond nine years earlier. And while we're on the subject of this show, just where the heck did Stephanie Zimbalist go? These days she apparently guest stars in stuff all over the place, but doesn't turn up on any shows I watch. She must be avoiding me...
(Four discs, 22 episodes)

THE SENTINEL - Season 1
This series aired for four seasons in the late nineties, although only two of them had full episode orders. Star Richard Burgi, who played Detective James Ellison -- a cop with razor-sharp senses honed in the Special Forces -- would play a pivotal part in the first season of 24. (Three discs, 10 episodes)

SWEPT AWAY (1974)
Like the parentheses say, this is the original Swept Away, not the remade stinkeroo kind of starring Madonna and barely helmed by her hubby, the guy named Guy formerly known as a movie director.

Stay tuned...

TAKIN' A BREAK

2006-04-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know.

There's been so little in the way of posting around here that I've already been taking a break. But a work schedule that, fortunately, leaves me with a lot of time also, unfortunately, leaves me with very little energy. So I'm taking a bit of a break there, too. But I'll be back in a couple of weeks to wreak havoc upon the world of pop culture. Or something like that.

DVD posts will continue, but that's pretty much it for a little bit.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-04-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I'm not a big Jennifer Lopez fan.

I think she's only mediocre as an actress, and her singing leaves much to be desired. And don't get me started on Gigli. But I have to give her credit for snagging a role in something of substance with this film.

Lopez plays a tough luck gal who sucks up her pride by taking her daughter and moving in with her estranged father-in-law.

But really, does the story even matter? Well, yeah -- it does, always. But, just this once, let's pretend it doesn't. Because, outside of a good story, this film has lots going for it, thanks to some excellent casting (Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman, Josh Lucas and Camryn Manheim join Lopez on set) and direction by Sweden's Lasse Hallström, who's played the heart strings with such films as Chocolat, The Cider House Rules, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and the classic My Life as a Dog.

Definitely worth a look on the people alone.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

THE BOB NEWHART SHOW - Season 3
More Bob. The world simply can't get enough Bob. (Three discs, 24 episodes)

BUGSY MALONE
A classic from my childhood, this is the second DVD release of this classic kids' gangster spoof that starred Jodie Foster and Scott Baio. Fun for the whole family.

FARSCAPE - Season 3, Collection 3
"These are the voyages..." Oh, wait -- wrong show. Uh, this set showcases the further adventures of way out astronaut John Crichton, who takes the "fish out of water" scenario to a whole new level. (Four discs, 7 episodes)

FUN WITH DICK AND JANE (2005)
Jim Carrey gets back to being zany in this remake of the late seventies caper comedy that starred Jane Fonda and George Segal. The new version also stars Tea Leoni, who is slightly less zany than Mr. Rubberface.

THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED
Actor-turned-director Bill Paxton directed this film about the 1913 U.S. Open of golf. Contrary to rumours (most of which I started), Will Smith does not make a cameo as Bagger Vance.

IN LIVING COLOR - Season 5
More terrific sketch comedy from FOX, still featuring Jim Carrey who, by this point, had made it big at the box office by chasing down pets and talking out of his ass. (Three discs, 26 episodes)

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE (10th Anniversary Edition)
This revamped release comes about to milk a little more of the green from the buying public now that the third installment of Tommy Mapother Cruise's little franchise that could is coming to the big screen. Of course, Cruise could have a little competition from his soon-to-be better half. Coming out about the same time as Mission Impossible 3 is Mission Impossible 4: Silent Scientological Birth.

THE SCORNED
If I'm reading this correctly, this is a horror movie starring several reality TV stars, such as Jenna Lewis, Bob Guiney, Ethan Zohn, Rob Cesternino, Jenna Morasca and a whole bunch of others. And supposedly they all get hacked up by some psycho killer, or something. Too bad it's only a work of fiction, though. With a body count full of bozos, it's one reality show I might actually watch.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.13

2006-04-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

(DISCLAIMER: The following celebrity news may or may not only slightly resemble the facts as they originally happened. It's getting harder to tell the difference nowadays.)

Time for another batch of Crapola, where celebrities fall on their own swords, after which I come along and do a little twisting. What can I say, making this shit up keeps me young. Lord knows the Oil of Olay ain't working.

And so we continue:

MATT LeBLANC
Fresh off the recent news that he and his wife are divorcing, the former Friend is now facing the cancellation of the further adventures of Joey Tribbiani, as NBC gets set to bring the axe down on Joey. But it's not a total loss for the actor, since on-set insiders are saying that LeBlanc is romancing co-star Andrea Anders, who plays his neighbour. LeBlanc himself confirmed as much, telling a reporter that "the show is probably going to be cancelled, and the producers said I could take home any one item from the set. So I picked Andrea."

NAOMI CAMPBELL
The supermodel with the barely distinguishable fuse is denying claims that she hit one of her assistants with a cell phone. The incident supposedly came about after Campbell accused the employee of stealing a pair of jeans. This is the third such incident for the model, who has a history of throwing phones at her assistants. Her latest shenanigans could cause her some trouble, as she could face up to seven years in prison. On the other hand, if she can get some movement on her throws, she could end up with a spot in the New York Mets' bullpen.

KATIE HOLMES
Everybody's favourite pregnant Scientologist-in-training is just about ready pop out her little one, and if the followers of her new religion get her way, it will be a silent birth. This has created some controversy in the birthing community, but fellow Scientologist Kelly Preston says everybody has it wrong. Says Mrs. Travolta, "giving birth hurts, so of course she's going to groan and yell. But Katie has to keep it as quiet as possible and avoid saying certain phrases and words. She just can't be cursing when the baby's born -- she gets to save those words for Tom after they're married."

BARRY BONDS
The controversial slugger's TV show, Bonds on Bonds, premiered on ESPN2 recently, with a seemingly tired Bonds stating that baseball "can take me down, I don't really care." This was followed by Bonds getting all emotional to the point of crying. But baseball officials aren't buying it. In response to Bonds' tear duct malfunction, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced that, along with banned performance enhancers, players will also now be subjected to testing for abnormal levels of estrogen.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-04-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys..."

And now, at last, we know why.

Controversy abounds with this tale of two ranch hands who spent a lot of time with their hands on a lot more than the ranch. I mean, the world is ready for a lot of things, but gay cowboys?

Say it ain't so.

Thanks to the nefarious written work of Annie Proulx and the camera work of Ang Lee, one of America's greatest stereotypes has been shot to hell. The American right may never recover.

Sure, they can (barely) stomach a lot of things. Roe vs. Wade and eight years of William Jefferson Clinton immediately come to mind. But gay cowboys?

Conservatives must just be beside themselves. What's next, Hillary back in the White House? Surely that would just be too, too much.

Now, please excuse me while I extract my tongue from my cheek.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

9 TO 5 (Sexist, Egotistical, Lying, Hypocritical Bigot Edition)
Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda live every downtrodden office worker's dream when they take their "sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot" of a boss (AKA Dabney Coleman) and string him up by his, um, uh, yeah. This release replaces the original DVD released in 2001. On a more trivial note, this movie was spun off into a TV series -- twice!

THE A-TEAM - Season 4
This show was the TV equivalent of a boy band when it aired in the eighties -- people went ga-ga over it, and it became the most popular show on television. But just a few years later it was in the midst of an unstoppable slide in the other direction. Sadly (or not), only one more season after this one and it was done. Still, as dopey as it was, The A-Team was a fun ride. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

CRASH (2005) (Director's Cut)
The film that pushed Brokeback Mountain aside to scoop the Best Picture Oscar gets its second DVD release in the last couple of months with this recut edition. But I'm more interested in the timing of this release. It can't be coincidence that both films see major DVD releases on the same day, can it? On the other hand, maybe I've just been spending too much time in The Twilight Zone.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH & THE WARDROBE
Disney gets it right with this adaptation of the classic C.S. Lewis novel, which did boffo biz at the box office during the Christmas season (a sequel based on the next book in the series, Prince Caspian, is in pre-production). Also available today is a loaded to the lions' teeth collector's edition.

THE GLAMOUR COLLECTIONS
Carole Lombard, Marlene Dietrich and Mae West get their due in three separate collections spanning a total of sixteen movies. The late twenties and early thirties may have been short on cash, but there was definitely no shortage of sexy. The Lombard set includes Hands Across the Table, Love Before Breakfast, True Confession, The Princess Comes Across, We're Not Dressing and Man of the World. The Dietrich set includes Morocco, Blonde Venus, The Devil Is a Woman, Flame of New Orleans and Golden Earrings. The West set includes Night After Night, I'm No Angel, Goin' to Town, Go West Young Man and My Little Chickadee.

KNIGHT RIDER - Season 4
And K.I.T.T. talks no more. This is the final season set of this quirky (some would say cheesy) eighties series about a surgically altered ex-cop with a new identity, his talking Trans-Am and their fight for justice. Twenty years later this show has "guilty pleasure" written all over it. (Three discs, 22 episodes)

MAGNUM P.I. - Season 4
This fourth season set marks the halfway point for Tom Selleck's pop culture classic, which maintained Hawaii's presence on prime time television just as Steve McGarrett and the boys at Hawaii Five-O were calling it quits.

THE MEL BROOKS COLLECTION
They say laughter is good for the heart, but I don't know if viewing this set is a good idea for anyone with a history of heart problems -- they just might laugh themselves to death. The set includes Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, To Be or Not to Be, History of the World Part I, The Twelve Chairs, and High Anxiety.

PORTRAIT OF COURAGE: THE UNTOLD STORY OF FLIGHT 93
The "portrait of courage" part I get -- it's only been drilled into everybody's head by the media for the last four and a half years. But the untold story? It hardly seems likely that there's anything of significance that isn't already known about this tragedy. But now I'm kind of curious.

STAR TREK: TIME TRAVEL - Fan Collective
The Paramounters continue their repackaging of the Star Trek franchise with this second themed collection, centred around multiple abuses of the space-time continuum by the various wayward personnel from Starfleet and the United Federation of Planets. There's some good stuff here, to be sure (including the original series' "The City on the Edge of Forever," The Next Generation's "Yesterday's Enterprise" and "Time's Arrow," Deep Space Nine's "Little Green Men" and "Trials and Tribble-ations," and Voyager's "Year of Hell"). Unfortunately, one of my faves didn't make the cut (Voyager's "Future's End," with guest appearances by Ed Begley Jr. and Sarah Silverman).

TRIUMPH OF THE WILL (Special Edition)
Just a little on the controversial side, this is Leni Riefenstahl's classic propaganda piece that gives some insight as to the notorious rise of the infamous Third Reich.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.12

2006-04-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Here it is, another Sunday, when I'm supposed to be layin' on the brown smelly stuff nice and thick, but I don't think I want to do that today -- mostly because I should have been doing it yesterday.

For a guy like me, April Fools' Day should be a national holiday. And yesterday sort of was, since I took the day off from playing pranks. Well, mostly off. I did write a little something about Desperate Housewives being cancelled, or something. I think that was a prank, but I'm not really sure. It might have just been wishful thinking.

In any case, it is time for some Crapola. But rather than write some new stuff, I thought I'd revisit a couple of my past April Fools' writings. One has to do with a little grunge band and its possible resurrection, while the other has something to do with a sci-fi movie classic morphing into a TV series -- which is now actually going to happen.

Here they are, my contributions to April Fools, uh, dom. Huh. April Foolsdom... It don't sound right, but it will do. Here are the links:

"HECK, IF THE BEATLES COULD DO IT..." (April 1, 2005)

"A NEW HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL" (April 1, 2004)

Those were mine. This one's not, but it's pretty good:

"BEATLES' SIBLINGS TO LAUNCH "HERE COMES THE SONS" TOUR (April 1, 2006)

Now back to your regularly scheduled whatever.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

2006-04-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

(CAUTION: The following may contain the minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

A few thoughts about my television and the flickering lights that emanate from it:

1) Many a show has jumped the shark, but none do it quite like 24. Whereas most shows have that one defining moment where it straps on the waterskis and sails over the great white, 24 lines the big fishies up like school buses and then jumps them Evel Knievel style.

2) Okay, dude. Just who the f*ck are you if you aren't Henry Gale?

3) Matt LeBlanc and his wife are getting a divorce. It's a good thing he's got good old Joey or, um, never mind.

4) This just in from CNN... Jill Carroll looks better without the glasses. Lisa Loeb she ain't.

5) So I'm flipping channels yesterday and I come across Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, a disastrous sequel to a disaster movie if ever there was one. I watched mesmerized for about thirty minutes while such notable acting folk as Michael Caine, Sally Field, Peter Boyle and Telly Savalas chewed up the scenery like it was a pack of acid-laced bubble gum. Then there was this familiar looking young guy in the background who looked a lot like... Mark Harmon? In a stinker like that? Say it ain't so, Jethro.

6) Speaking of Jethro, has anyone seen Max Baer Jr. lately?

7) Patrick Dempsey ain't all that McDreamy. But then I like girls.

8) And while I'm watching ABC on a Sunday night, I just can't believe they cancelled Desperate Housewives already! I mean, it's only the beginning of April -- why not wait 'til the end of the TV season?

9) Don'tcha just love the Discovery Channel? They've got some wicked documentaries: killer earthquakes; the tsunami; hurricane seasons that go on forever. To hell with Barry Bonds, man -- I want Mother Nature tested for steroids!

10) Sigh. Arrested Development has finally called it a day. Showrunner Mitch Hurwitz says he doesn't want to do it anymore, so there will be no miraculous rescue by Showtime. Which is too bad, since the channel wanted to do another 24 episodes over two seasons. In a strange bit of irony, it seems everyone has given up but FOX, who threw out the phrase "anything is possible" in a news release confirming the beginning of the end. The network also cited the resurrection of Family Guy as proof that the Bluth isn't always in the pudding.

11) Cobie! Cobie! Cobie! But I'm not crushing...

12) I don't watch American Idol, but if I did, I'd be wondering if that's the real Paula Abdul on the show. Supposedly she's gone a little psycho or something. Or maybe it really isn't her. Wait a minute, this is starting to sound really familiar. Cue the "Paula Is Dead" conspiracy theories.

13) Baseball season starts next week. Sssshh -- nobody bother me until the end of October.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-03-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

The remade tragic tale of the big hairy ape gets remade again, this time by a man who once attended the Academy Awards dressed like a big, hairy ape.

Anyone who remembers Peter Jackson's hygienically-challenged acceptance of Best Director and Best Picture a couple of years ago will know what I mean.

In any case, who doesn't like the classic beauty and the beast tale? It was wonderfully done in 1933 (even if some of the performances are so stilted) and not so wonderfully done in 1976 (especially because some of the performances are so stilted).

Now Jackson's contributed his version, which cost a few dollars more, ran a few minutes more and starred Jack Black, Adrian Brody and Naomi Watts.

While successful at the box office, this Kong still managed to disappoint the bean counters, even though it was well-received critically. And it will probably disappoint with the DVD sales, too, since I saw a commercial telling people to "own it today," even though "today" was still one "tomorrow" away from arriving. I can only imagine how many people complied by flicking the computer on last night to download the film.

But hey, they were only following orders.

For those that did wait until today, you have your choice between a regular release and a collector's edition with all the nifty extras.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

THE CUTTING EDGE: GOING FOR THE GOLD
Disney cutie Christy Carlson Romano (AKA the voice of Kim Possible) steps into Moira Kelly's skate boots in this sequel slash remake of the 1992 film of half of the same name.

DOCTOR WHO: THE BEGINNING
The first three serials (An Unearthly Child, The Daleks and The Edge of Destruction) of the cultish and totally cheesy British sci-fi classic make their way to DVD for the first time. It might have been four, except that the BBC and their idiotic policy of purging their archives in the seventies converted the fourth serial (titled Marco Polo) into nothing more than a faint memory. It and and several other serials (totalling 108 individual episodes, in all) no longer exist.

FRIENDS: THE ONE WITH ALL THE BABIES
Having run out of season box sets, Warner Brothers, much like Paramount with the Star Trek franchise, has started to release greatest hits packages from the gang at Central Perk. This set has all the baby episodes in one neat, tidy package. Also out today are The One with All the Birthdays and The One with All the Weddings. Sadly, The One with All the Jokes About Chandler Being Gay didn't make the cut this time around.

GODZILLA (1998) (Monster Edition)
This is an updated DVD release of the Americanized version of Godzilla, which had greater special effects than the Japanese classics, but unfortunately producers spent all that money so that movie goers could experience shot after shot of the monster reptile -- from the knees down. Unless you're into lizards and suffer from a foot fetish, you'd be better off booking a trip to the Tokyo Blockbuster.

KNOTS LANDING - Season 1
This spin-off of fellow suds machine Dallas lasted fourteen seasons before finally expiring. With that in mind, I sincerely hope fans who will be buying this first season set are clearing lots of shelf space for subsequent volumes, 'cause fourteen seasons is, you know, A LOT. (Five discs, thirteen episodes)

LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE (2004)
As the title says, this is the new updated Disney version. That sound you hear is Michael Landon and Victor French taking turns rolling over in their graves.

NORTHERN EXPOSURE - Season 4
Season four out of six of this terrific dramedy is now out on disc. Which is good, because I'm suffering from severe Janine Turner withdrawal and it's just about killing me. (Four discs, 25 episodes)

PLANET OF THE APES: THE ULTIMATE DVD COLLECTION
I need a breath before I dive into this one. (PAUSE) Okay. This set includes: the original five movies (all are new anamorphic widescreen transfers, except for the first film which was previously released two years ago as a two-disc special edition; the final film, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, is an extended cut); the complete Behind the Planet of the Apes documentary (previously released -- twice); the complete live-action television series (previously released); the animated series (on DVD for the first time and available on its own here); the Tim Burton remake (previously released) and all the assorted bonus features from the previous releases. Also worth noting (for geeks who have ascended to a higher plane) this set comes in a limited edition ape head package. Dig deep, go nuts.

SIX FEET UNDER - Season 5
This set is the last for this critically-acclaimed HBO series, which went into broadcast rigor mortis last summer after only five seasons. Alas, it's true, the good do die young. (Five discs, 12 episodes)

SLIVER (Unrated Edition)
Stop if you've heard this recently -- like maybe yesterday: Sharon Stone in an erotic thriller (gee, this release wouldn't be trying to ride the coat tails of Basic Instinct 2, now would it). The sliver in the title refers to to the building that Ms. Stone's character lives in -- not the ice pick with which Ms. Stone's other character uses to get straight to the point. This film is not for the faint of heart, but that's only because it also stars Billy Baldwin, who gives a performance that defies words. Unless, the word is crappy. Somehow that one slipped through.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.11

2006-03-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: The following celebrity information is an exaggeration of the truth. No malice is intended, although some of these people could use a good paddling upside the head.)

Welcome to yet another edition of Sunday Crapola, where no celebrity is safe from the slightly acidic sense of humour of this page's resident nutjob.

Here goes:

STAR JONES
The always outspoken co-host of The View has reportedly had surgery to have her breasts lifted. This latest development explains the talk show host's recent success at losing weight, since if she'd kept on the extra tonnage it would have taken a couple of really big cranes to successfully lift those puppies.

DONALD TRUMP
The real estate magnate with the terminally bad hair has added another little apprentice to his stable with the birth of his fifth child and third son. Trump himself announced the new arrival just twenty minutes after wife Melania gave birth, then rushed back to be with his wife and child. A slightly intoxicated acquaintance of the Trumps was also at the hospital, and spoke with a reporter. Said the acquaintance, "I'm happy for them, I really am, although I don't know if I could be happy for any baby born to that man. If it's a girl, Daddy will be ogling her by the time she's old enough to drive, and if it's a boy, he gets Daddy's hair. If it wasn't for the money, the poor kid would have no reason to live."

THE CAST OF THE SOPRANOS
Several cast members of HBO hit show, including Lorraine Bracco and Michael Imperioli, are in dispute with the show's producers over how they will be paid for the program's final 20 episodes. The actors feel they should be paid as if filming two seasons of the show, but producers aren't buying it. Said an HBO spokesperson, "I'm afraid that producers of the show aren't able to comment on cast pay demands at this time. But I do have it on good authority that, unless these pay demands are dropped, the producers will have everyone involved killed. (PAUSE) Uh, the characters, not the actors."

ISAAC HAYES
South Park made its return to the airwaves last week with an episode quickly slapped together by producers Trey Parker and Matt Stone that all but killed off the character of Chef, voiced by Isaac Hayes. The episode was in response to Hayes' resignation from the show, supposedly due to an episode that took potshots at cultish religion Scientology, of which Hayes is a follower. But Hayes now claims that his leaving actually had nothing to do with the Scientology controversy, but is due to the fact that, outside of the bedroom, Chef never really got to do any cooking.

TORI SPELLING
The former Beverly Hills, 90210 star has seemingly estranged herself from her family by mocking her mother's penchant for purchasing things off eBay. In an episode of Tori's upcoming reality show, So NoTORIous, the younger Spelling does a parody of her mother's eBay room, where she keeps her assortment of bid winnings. Aaron and Candy Spelling wouldn't comment, but a spokesperson for Aaron Spelling Productions did make a statement, saying "the Spellings are obviously distressed over the treatment Candy Spelling is receiving from her daughter, but they don't wish to comment at this time. I, on the other hand, think Tori Spelling is an ungrateful little BUTTerFACE."

Stay tuned...

SUIT UP!

2006-03-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

God bless the gray area that is kinda sorta the semi-illegality of torrent files.

Why?

Well, I just downloaded and watched the pilot episode of How I Met Your Mother.

End result?

Who knew I could be so incontinent? Damn, that scotch guarding really works!

Ahem.

I can't speak (yet) for the other episodes that have aired since, but I see a lot of potential in this show. It's got engaging characters, sharp writing and an incredibly good looking cast member who goes by the name Cobie.

Um, Cobie's a girl. Honest.

The cast is led by Josh Radnor, who plays Ted Mosby, a bachelor who suffers from a severe case of naivetus aweshuckus. This condition manifests itself in his inability to see the bleedin' obvious (where hotties named Cobie are concerned), and an almost feminine vulnerability when he realizes he failed to see the bleedin' obvious (where hotties named Cobie are concerned).

Oh, and he likes olives and is wanted for the theft of a restaurant's prized Smurf penis.

Filling out the cast are Cobie Smulders (I might have mentioned her already) as neophyte newsgal Robin, and Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel, who play Ted's married (to each other) pals. The final member of the group is terminally obnoxious bachelor Barney Stinson, played with a zest that screams "give me an Emmy, dammit" by none other than the artist formerly known as Doogie, AKA Neil Patrick Harris. His problem? In his eyes, everybody has to wear a suit or they're just not quite up to standard. This is punctuated by his tendency to shout "suit up" at Ted whenever the mood, uh, suits him.

Huh? What's that? What about the title, you say?

Well, the show is framed within the narrative of Ted as he tells his children, thirty years later, how he met their mother -- who may or may not be played by a hottie named Cobie.

I did mention her, right?

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-03-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

Philip Seymour Hoffman brought home the serious hardware during the recent Academy Awards for his performance in this film about writer Truman Capote. For Hoffman, his Best Actor statue is both a blessing and a curse. While it's always nice to be recognized (especially when it's of the Oscar variety), Hoffman will probably forever be known as a character actor.

But what characters he brings to the screen.

Before he was Capote, he lit up the screen as disc jockey Lester Bangs in Cameron Crowe's excellent semi-autobiographical masterpiece, Almost Famous. Hoffman played the mentor to Patrick Fugit's young William Miller.

Hoffman has also been seen in other Oscar-respected fare such as Cold Mountain, Nobody's Fool and Scent of a Woman.

Based on his recent output, he may well be on the verge of becoming one of the greatest actors of his generation. But, hey, that's just my opinion.

ALSO OUT TODAY (MOSTLY FROM THE WORLD OF TELEVISION):

21 JUMP STREET - Season 5
The adventures of undercover cop Tom Hanson (Johnny Depp, long before be became all French, weird and brilliant) continue in this fifth and final season set. (Six discs, 23 episodes)

CHICKEN LITTLE
In a little town not called Baghdad, the sky is falling. I mean, really falling. And it's up to one brave and courageous chicken -- who just happens to sound a heck of a lot like one of the doctors on Scrubs -- to save everybody's animal parts. This film (which my 6-year old has been waiting for on DVD oh, so patiently) had a pretty good voice cast, including the likes of Wallace Shawn, Harry Shearer, Joan Cusack, Patrick Stewart, the late Don Knotts and the previously sort of mentioned Zach Braff.

THE FLYING NUN - Season 1
Sally Field starred in this classic series about a young nun who had trouble keeping her feet on the ground. If she wasn't in a convent I'd have suspected drug use, this show taking place in the sixties and all. (Four discs, 30 episodes)

GIDGET - Complete Series
Sally Field starred in this classic series about a young nun... hold on, I already did that one. Uh, Sally Field starred in this short-lived series (based on the Sandra Dee film of the same name) about a young woman and her affinity for California sand. It's apparently true what they say: "Life's a beach, then you ~~die~~ become a flying nun." (Four discs, 32 episodes)

HUFF - Season 1
Hank Azaria stars as a psychiatrist going through his own crisis. Well, dude, come on? You had Helen Hunt and you lost her. That would drive any guy crazy. What? That's not in the show? Oh. Uh, this series also stars Apple Martin's grandma (some people call her Blythe Danner), Paget Brewster and the always wonderful Oliver Platt. (Three discs, 13 episodes)

OVER THERE - Season 1
Steven Bochco was credited as executive producer for this series that deals with the harshness faced by an American Army unit in Iraq. (Four discs, 13 episodes)

SOUTH PARK - Season 7
This release isn't really worthy of special mention, except for two things: One, the show has just been renewed for two more years (which will bring it to 11 seasons); and two, creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker (or is it Trey Stone and Matt Parker -- they're pretty much interchangeable) have declared war on Scientology, a religion slash belief system almost worthy of a severe thrashing at the hands of a silly satirical cartoon. (Three discs, 15 episodes)

Stay tuned...

HEY, WHERE'S THE CRAPOLA?

2006-03-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

NOTICE:

Due to an incident involving a small car, a live chicken and an intoxicated member of the paparazzi, this week's edition of Sunday Crapola has been cancelled. Chernobylized regurgitation of celebrity news will re-commence next Sunday, assuming nobody questions the validity of the word "Chernobylized."

Stay tuned...

ROGER, OVER AND OUT

2006-03-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

After...

4502 STRIKEOUTS

341 WINS

118 COMPLETE GAMES

46 SHUTOUTS

11 ALL-STAR GAMES

7 CY YOUNG AWARDS

4 K-IDS

2 WORLD SERIES RINGS

1 W.B.C. BUMMER

and

1 PIAZZA KINDLING TOSS

... it's over.

Or is it?

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-03-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

For those keeping score from Oscar night, this is George Clooney's other film. You know, the one that didn't win him an Academy Award. Not that it matters. Clooney's star has been shining bright for some time, despite the best and Battest attempts of some to dim it by covering it in latex.

Clooney seemingly had it all before he had it all. He was a successful television actor, sexiest man alive, etcetera, etcetera. Who knew he could actually act? Or direct? On Oscar night Clooney was toasted on both accounts. He was named Best Supporting Actor for his performance in Syriana and finished in a four-way tie for second as Best Director for this film.

He will no doubt have a bright future, as long as he can stay out of dark, dingy caves.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

ANASTASIA (1997) (FAMILY FUN EDITION)
This animated Don Bluth film (uh, has Don Bluth ever made a non-animate film) is about "the only surviving child of the Russian Royal Family (who) hooks up with two con men while the undead Rasputin seeks her death." Or so says IMDB.com. And while I'm sure it's a charming little fantasy, I don't know if it's a good idea to tag a story about the only surviving member of the massacred Romanovs and her being stalked some supernatural baddie (who, uh, wants her to spend more time with her relatives) as a family fun edition. Unless you're talking about the Manson family, that is. (Available as an import at Amazon.ca)

BABYLON 5: THE LEGEND OF THE RANGERS
Back in the days when a Star Trek series had viewers (two Star Trek series, actually), there was Babylon 5. Constantly compared to Trek's Deep Space Nine (both took place on space stations), it was considered by many to be superior. It ended in 1999, but creator J. Michael Straczynski tried to revive it with this pilot slash TV movie. It didn't quite work, but at least Babylon 5 fans got another volume to add to their collections.

I DREAM OF JEANNIE - Season 1
Call it what you will (a rip-off of Bewitched comes to mind, albeit a pretty darn good rip-off), but this show did three significant things: it shot the future J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman) to stardom; it traumatized Bill Daily (the affable Major Healey) so much that he sought out a shrink named Bob in his next life; and it put Barbara Eden in some very sexy clothing, which is never a bad thing. Available in original black & white and colourized editions. (Four discs, 30 episodes)

REMEMBER THE TITANS (DIRECTOR'S CUT)
Director Boaz Yakin goes all Frank Sinatra and does it his way in this recut version of the most excellent football drama starring personal faves Denzel Washington and Will Patton.

V.I.P. - Season 1
Pamela Anderson puts her Very Inflatable Pair to good use in this somewhat insipid show about a former lifeguard (well, sorta) who joins a bodyguard agency (uh-huh). They were originally going call the show I.Q. but they couldn't find any evidence of one. (Five discs, 22 episodes, zero intellect)

Stay tuned...

HE'S NOT DOIN' SO GOOD...

2006-03-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

Timing is everything. Except when it's nothing.

Joey returned to the airwaves this week and ended up eating American Idol's ratings dust. A paltry four million viewers watched the show, forcing NBC to send the fading Friends spinoff back to the hiatus scrap heap.

It's sure to be cancelled, except that, well, what if?

What if it's cancelled and it's picked up by another network? And what if this network managed to convice one of Joey's Friends to stop by for a few episodes? And what if it totally revitalizes the show? What if NBC gave away a winning lottery ticket?

It could happen. But it probably won't.

But something is happening. And that something is the release of Joey, Season 1 on DVD on May 30. Very little in the way of hype has been generated for this release, a further sign that the peacock network is Tribbiani'd out.

* * * * *

Joey, Season 1 is currently available for pre-order at Amazon.ca.

Stay tuned...

CHANNEL SURFING

2006-03-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

(CAUTION: The following may contain the minorest of spoilerage. Readeth at own riskage.)

A few thoughts about my television and the flickering lights that emanate from it:

1) R.I.P. Kirby Puckett. I've watched a lot of baseball in my life (most of it from my favourite chair), and he was one of those guys that defined the game for me. He was short and stocky, with strong, thick legs and he played the game hard. As far as I'm concerned that's the only way to play.

2) And while I'm talking baseball, how is it that the broadcast of the Canada-U.S. game gets joined in progress -- on a Canadian sports channel, no less -- after a meaningless (to us Canuckleheads, at least) game between Panama and Cuba finishes its extra innings? I mean, how many Canadians can name more than two players on Cuba and Panama -- combined? Can you imagine a Canada-Russia hockey game being joined in progress after a game between Switzerland and Germany has played out its overtime? There'd be riots. Well, at the sports bars there would be riots...

3) The renewals of many TV series have started to pop up out of the media release woodwork. CBS has just renewed NCIS, Ghost Whisperer and How I Met Your Mother. FOX has renewed House. And over at NBC, they're considering the renewal of every show except Joey, who's apparently not doin' all that great. Even his Friends couldn't save him at this point.

4) About a month ago I decided to give Supernatural a whirl, having heard a lot of good things about it. So I downloaded, er, um, I mean acquired (yeah, that's the ticket) copies of the first fourteen episodes and I watched them all -- in less than a week. What can I say, I'm hooked. Good writing, awesome special effects, nasty little chills and some great, classic rock make this show a keeper. And the car... How cool is the car?

5) I have a copy of the series premiere of The Unit, which I have not yet seen. But I'm hoping it rocks. Even more so, I'm hoping its ratings rock, because Dennis Haysbert (former President David Palmer on 24) is good people. I'm still not buying his insurance, though.

6) Back to NCIS for a moment... Word has gotten out that, for the second season in a row, a cast member will be leaving the show after the season finale. After Sasha Alexander's shocking forehead perforation at the end of last season, I'm hoping the exiting character gets to leave on a more peaceful note. Unless it's Lauren Holly's NCIS Director, that is, in which case I want to pull the damn trigger myself.

7) This just in... Bob Barker is still alive and still hosting The Price is Right. Even though he has yet to go to that great big showcase in the sky, archaeoligists are currently making plans to have Barker carbon dated once he finally hits pray dirt.

8) Did I just read somewhere that Paris Hilton has herpes? I did? Wow! And, to think I thought she wasn't the loving type. But then nothing says I love you quite like the gift of blistered genitalia.

9) Back to NCIS for another moment... All you people who are bugging me for a release date for the season one box set can take a breather. It'll be available June 6.

10) We now wrap things up with a brief (or not so brief) rant: So I'm watching the first of two episodes of 24 on Canada's Global network on Monday night at 8PM. There's lots of action, plenty of suspense and all that other nifty violent stuff. But Global, in an act of blind stupidity, gives fans of 24 the shaft by pushing the second episode to 10PM so it can air the season premiere of The Apprentice at 9PM. All in the name of dollars, I suppose. Is now a good time to tell them that the Counter Terrorist Unit will be smoking The Donald in the ratings? Anyway, I'm dismayed at Global's lack of judgment, but since FOX is still showing it at 9PM, I change the channel and settle in for my second episode. Now, in Canada, when both the Canadian and American networks are showing the same thing, the Canadian feed is substituted for the American feed on the American channel (ya know, so the Canadian advertisers can maximize their investment). That's fine, except that whomever was responsible for restoring the FOX feed, um, didn't. I sat there, with my TV set to FOX, and Donald Trump's ugly mug up on the screen. And it stayed there for the entire hour. No Jack Bauer and no terrorists. Just mounds of the worst hair New Jersey swamp and casino money can buy. And since I wasn't able to watch the 10PM feed ('cause I work nights), all I could do was utter my best Jack Bauer-ism -- "DAMMIT!"

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-03-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

Call this one Hogwarts, 90210.

Let's face it, folks. Harry Potter's not a kid anymore. Of course, going through the scares and thrills that Harry and his micro posse face on a yearly basis would age anyone. It would also cause a lot of high school dropouts. You kids who think history class is too hard? Boo frickin' hoo. Try having a supernatural psycho trying to kill you at every turn. Why, it's almost as traumatic as calculus.

Yes, the central cast is all here although, much like the book, the movie tends to focus on Harry, Ron and Hermione (played, as usual, to perfection by Dan, Rupe and Ems), with Dumbledore (Michael Gambon), Snape (Alan Rickman) and the rest of the faculty more or less on the outside looking in. And then there's Vol--, Volde--, uh, he who must not be named, played by a sinister Ralph Fiennes.

Yes, folks, the English patient has gone to the dark side. And not a moment too soon.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

BABY LOONEY TUNES - Volume 1
Picture your favourite Warner Brothers cartoon characters (Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Sylvester and Tweety) -- in diapers. Volume 2 is also out today.

THE BRADY BUNCH - The Final Season
Ah, the last gasp of the Brady family -- or so we thought. Sure, The Brady Bunch ended with this fifth season. But "sequels" (such as The Brady Bunch Variety Hour), TV movies (I'm still waiting for The Brady Bunch Amish Adventure) and spoof remakes (thank you, Betty Thomas) abounded. Who knew that polyester would be so hard to shake?

I WALK THE LINE
Not the recent Academy Award winning biopic, but the western starring Gregory Peck and featuring music by the legendary late man in black, Mr. Johnny Cash.

JARHEAD
Before the overwhelming hype of Brokeback Mountain began, Jake Gyllenhaal was being touted for a possible Oscar nomination for his performance in this movie, where he plays a Marine sniper in the first Gulf War won by the first Bush President.

POLICE WOMAN - Season 1
When one thinks of seventies sex symbols, one would almost certainly think of Farrah Fawcett. Bah! She had nothing on Angie Dickinson, who starred in this series about an undercover cop who could be both tough and glamorous.

STAR TREK: BORG - Fan Collective
So begins the next onslaught of Star Trek DVDs. Paramount has run out of series for producing season box sets, so now they've done the music industry thing and moved on to greatest hits collections. This is the first such box, with the best Borg episodes as selected by fans. The original series will be notably absent, since resistance was not futile in the sixties. Try telling that to all those Vietnam War protesters, though. Also missing are all of Bjorn Borg's thrilling Wimbledon triumphs.

THREE'S COMPANY - Season 6
Anyone purchasing this set must be warned that it contains scenes of sexual innuendo and confusion. I know, it's shocking.

WALKING TALL - Complete Series
What, The Rock made a TV series? Um, no. This has nothing to do with the film starring the wrestling star, especially since it predates it by about twenty years. This was a series (based on the 1973 film of the same name) that aired in the early eighties and expired faster than a carton of milk abandoned in a refrigerator. It starred Bo Svenson as a lawmen who walked not all that softly and carried a big stick. This set contains all seven episodes on two discs.

Stay tuned...

A-BLAH-DEMY AWARDS

2006-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

I could talk about the revelation that not all gay people are virile cowboys.

Or that Dick Cheney shot Bjork.

Or that Walk the Line is Ray with white people.

Or that Dolly Parton's head and her breasts make up about 85 per cent of her body.

Or that Jon Stewart was the fourth male lead in Death to Smoochy.

Or that cracks about Schindler's List and Munich are in bad taste.

Or that Tom Hanks will never give a speech over sixty seconds lest he take a violin to the head.

Or that Crash scored an upset.

Or that Reese Witherspoon is the Queen of Cute.

Or that if they ever make a live action movie of The Simpsons, Paul Giamatti should be cast as Homer.

Or that Three 6 Mafia have more Oscars than Martin Scorcese.

Or that I had no idea that Billy Crystal and Chris Rock went (wink) camping together.

Or that Robert Altman is living on borrowed time, but he's not giving it back.

Or that Oscar looks pretty hot in a goofy bow tie.

Or that it's apparently too late for Steve Martin's kids.

Or that Lily Tomlin should consider Oscar apparel that's not off the rack at Wal-Mart.

But I'm not going to talk about those things.

Because, frankly, these Academy Awards were a touch on the dull side. But that will happen when just about every film gets in on the hardware. Six major awards, six different films won.

What I will say about the Oscars will be brief, and I hope I don't offend the really big hairy guy (no, I don't mean Peter Jackson -- he's lost weight, don'tcha know). But what was up with Naomi Watts' dress? Who was the genius that thought that a gown that looks like it was pressed with a paper shredder would look good under the lights of the Kodak Theater?

C'mon, speak up. I know you're out there. Who's to blame? I just gotta know.

And while I'm bitching about gowns, I have one other question: What was up with the cinderblock-sized bow on Charlize Theron's shoulder? Yikes.

That's all I have to say. No, really.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.09

2006-03-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: None of the following Hollywood personalities appear nude in this piece. Well, except for Lindsay.)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The buxom actress has finally said her piece in regards to the now-legendary groping she experienced at the hands of designer turned commentator Isaac Mizrahi during January's Golden Globe Awards. Johansson said, "I don't think his actions had anything to do with him checking out the 'dynamics' of my dress. Like he doesn't know how a dress works. And besides, the dress was paper thin and his hands were cold. I guess I should be happy that he didn't aim lower in an attempt to warm them up."

LINDSAY LOHAN
Herbie's favourite driver made the tabloids again last week when, at an event for General Motors, she turned sideways for photographers and her right breast was available for viewing in all its glory. Of course, this isn't the first time that the actress has suffered a wardrobe malfunction. Lohan has had her right breast accidentally exposed on at least two other occasions, leading reporters to speculate that she's doing it on purpose to grab attention. But a spokesperson for Lohan put to rest any questions about the motives of the Mean Girls star. Said the spokesperson, "in response to the speculations of most of you, let me state for the record that Miss Lohan is merely a victim of circumstance and very flimsy clothing. And to the two gentleman from Celebrity Sleuth magazine -- no, there is nothing wrong with her left breast. She's just saving that one for marriage."

JESSICA ALBA
The former Dark Angel is threatening to sue Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner after he put a picture of her on the cover of March's magazine without her permission, claiming the cover makes it appear that the actress appears inside the issue in a nude or semi-nude spread. The photo on the cover is of a publicity shot taken of Alba for Into the Blue, a film that was released last year. Regarding the controversy, Hefner is both angry and defiant. Said Hef, "what an ungrateful little bitch! In no way does this cover infer that she's nude inside. I'm fed up, I've had it. That's the last time I put a woman with real breasts on the cover!"

MICHELLE WILLIAMS
The actress, who starred alongside real-life husband Heath Ledger in Oscar favourite Brokeback Mountain, has been disowned by her ultra-conservative alma mater for her participation in the gay-themed cowboy flick. The headmaster of Sante Fe Christian School in San Diego called the film "offensive" and labelled Williams a "poor role model," in an attempt to ensure his school is not linked to the film. Williams, for her part, was more put off by the fact that the school picked on Brokeback Mountain, instead of some of her other work. Said Williams, "I did a lesbian love scene in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and they say nothing. Plus, I spent all that time on Dawson's Creek with all those pretty faces. Like, what could be more offensive than that?"

And now, for something completely truthful:

My Oscar predictions, brought to you by the good folks at the local funny farm who have decided that my mental imbalance is not a threat to society. I love you guys, especially when you take off the cuffs. Sniff.

Okay, maybe not COMPLETELY truthful (I actually like the cuffs). Here are my predictions, nonetheless:

BEST ACTOR
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The first time I saw him (in Patch Adams, an uneven film in which Hoffman gives the best performance) I knew he was destined for Oscar glory. His turn as a radio DJ in Almost Famous cemented my belief. This year he gets a statue.

BEST ACTRESS
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Really, Felicity Huffman should probably win this (but she won't) for playing a man becoming a woman becoming a man in Transamerica. Or do I have that backwards. I mean, the whole gender mishmash thing worked for Linda Hunt and Hilary Swank, didn't it? But, alas, everybody loves Reese -- especially the paparazzi, where some guys are just dying to get a picture of her.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Dillon, Crash
Sure, there's the George Clooney factor (people have almost totally, comepletely, mostly, well sorta forgiven him for that whole Batman & Robin fiasco). But, um, nope. The Academy might give Paul Giamatti a statue for Cinderella Man after he wasn't even nominated last year for his terrific performance in Sideways (to say he was snubbed would be more than an understatement). But I think Dillon will win, if only because you're not supposed to give Best Supporting Actor two years in a row to a guy starring in a boxing movie. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Finally free of her Mummy, she just looks like the most likely choice.

BEST DIRECTOR
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
My vote would go to Paul Haggis, partially because he's Canadian (that's my heart voting) but mostly because of the work he did with the ensemble in Crash (that's my head voting). As for Lee, he's an excellent director. See the next prediction for why he'll win.

BEST PICTURE
Brokeback Mountain
Again, I would vote for Crash. But the Brokeback hype is just too strong to ignore.

Also worth a prediction:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

BEST ANIMATED FILM
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Stay tuned...

OSCAR PICKS

2006-03-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

Here are my choices for Hollyweird's yearly guessing game:

BEST ACTOR
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
The first time I saw him (in Patch Adams, an uneven film in which Hoffman gives the best performance) I knew he was destined for Oscar glory. His turn as a radio DJ in Almost Famous cemented my belief. This year he gets a statue.

BEST ACTRESS
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Really, Felicity Huffman should probably win this (but she won't) for playing a man becoming a woman becoming a man in Transamerica. Or do I have that backwards. I mean, the whole gender mishmash thing worked for Linda Hunt and Hilary Swank, didn't it? But, alas, everybody loves Reese -- especially the paparazzi, where some guys are just dying to get a picture of her.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Dillon, Crash
Sure, there's the George Clooney factor (people have almost totally, comepletely, mostly, well sorta forgiven him for that whole Batman & Robin fiasco). But, um, nope. The Academy might give Paul Giamatti a statue for Cinderella Man after he wasn't even nominated last year for his terrific performance in Sideways (to say he was snubbed would be more than an understatement). But I think Dillon will win, if only because you're not supposed to give Best Supporting Actor two years in a row to a guy starring in a boxing movie. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Finally free of her Mummy, she just looks like the most likely choice.

BEST DIRECTOR
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
My vote would go to Paul Haggis, partially because he's Canadian (that's my heart voting) but mostly because of the work he did with the ensemble in Crash (that's my head voting). As for Lee, he's an excellent director. See the next prediction for why he'll win.

BEST PICTURE
Brokeback Mountain
Again, I would vote for Crash. But the Brokeback hype is just too strong to ignore.

Also worth a prediction:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

BEST ANIMATED FILM
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-02-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

I love Harold Ramis, um, as a filmmaker. He's written and/or directed in some of the funniest movies during the last 25 years.

Ghostbusters, Stripes, Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Multiplicity, National Lampoon's Vacation, Stuart Saves His Family...

Wait, scratch the last one.

Now Ramis is back with this film, which I haven't yet seen, but which I will be picking up. You see, as much as I love the movies of screenwriter-director Harold Ramis, I love the movies of actor John Cusack even more. In this case, I get to love both at the same time.

I'm guessing it's probably not on par with Groundhog Day or The Sure Thing (Cusack's first starring role), but I'll bet it's still a pretty funny flick. For it also stars Billy Bob Thornton. Any guy who can go through life with a name like that -- with a face that only an archaeologist could love -- who can still smile after breaking up with Angelina Jolie -- well, he must surely have a wicked sense of humour.

Otherwise, he probably would have voluntarily tangoed with the grim reaper by now.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

CHARMED - Season 4
This series on the WB may or may not be in its last season, although with the merger of The WB and UPN, the likelihood of its return has dwindled considerably. Personally, I ponder this show and I can't help but think that Alyssa Milano dabbles in witchcraft in real life, since magic is one of only two possible explanations for the sudden growth in the size of her chest in her early twenties.

DOG DAY AFTERNOON
This Sidney Lumet film about a bank robbery that didn't exactly go as planned was one of the earliest movies released on DVD way back in 1997. Which basically means that the original release sucked (barebones, non-anamorphic video, etc, etc). But all that is fixed now with a two-disc special edition that is bound to please.

ELLEN - Season 3
Ellen Degeneres is a funny gal who currently has a pretty good talk show going. She also had a decent sitcom that made it through four seasons during the nineties. You remember the show, don't you? It's the one that eventually had Ellen (and her sitcom character) outed as a lesbian, which shocked pretty much nobody, but created quite a media stir at the time. Just a decade later, the same circumstance would generate an avalanche of yawns. (25 episodes, 3 discs)

MONTY PYTHON'S PERSONAL BEST (4 Separate Volumes)
This series of releases is pretty neat since the contents of each volume is hand picked by the surviving Pythons. Today sees the best of Terry Gilliam (which is probably all animated), Terry Jones (which is probably all in drag), John Cleese (which is probably full of dead parrots pining for the fjords) and the late Graham Chapman (which is probably all silly) hitting shelves (the Personal Best of both Michael Palin and Eric Idle were released last year). As far as I'm concerned, there can never be too much Monty Python.

NETWORK
Just like with Dog Day Afternoon, this is another one of those classic movies that got the short end of things with an early DVD release, but is now getting some serious digital love with this two-disc special edition. The connection between the two? Both were directed by Sidney Lumet. Network was nominated for ten Academy Awards, and took home four, including Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight) and Best Original Screenplay (Paddy Chayefsky). It's a worthy addition to any DVD collection.

NEWSRADIO - Season 3
This is a bittersweet release, since it marked the end of Phil Hartman's tenure as stuffy news wag Bill McNeal came to a tragic, premature end. Despite terrific writing, this show spent three years struggling to keep an audience. It would lose that audience in the fourth season, despite the best efforts of everyone, most notably Jon Lovitz, who had the seemingly impossible job of replacing Hartman. (25 episodes, 3 discs)

PRIDE & PREJUDICE (2005)
The timing of this DVD release is somewhat fortuitous, with Keira Knightly up for a Best Actress Oscar this Sunday when the Academy Awards are doled out. The only "version" of this story I have seen is Bridget Jones's Diary, but as far as I can tell, the only thing that makes this particular version special is the use of "&" in place of "and." Don't you hate it when movie producers get lazy?

SUPER BOWL XL
Those NFL Films guys don't waste any time, do they? They've barely painted over the Steelers' and Seahawks' end zones at Ford Field in Detroit and the DVD is already hitting stores. Go ~~Steelers~~ figure.

THE UNTOLD STORY OF EMMETT LOUIS TILL
This film was labelled "the most important documentary of the year" by New York magazine, but I almost wish this story remained untold, since it haunts me so. That said, it's a story that should never be forgotten. Emmett Till was a black teenager who was brutally murdered after supposedly whistling at a white woman while visiting relatives in Mississippi in the summer of 1955. The incident is a ugly hash mark on the state of race relations at the time, which became even uglier with the indifferent attitude of the locals toward the murder. Emmett's bravely defiant mother insisted on an open casket so the world could see the way her son's face was so horribly mutilated. It is a vision that will be burned in my brain forever.

WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
I don't know too much about this one, other than the fact it was directed by Atom Egoyan and it fought with censors in the United States in an effort to avoid an NC-17 rating because of a torrid, three-way sex scene involving stars Kevin Bacon, Rachel Blanchard and Colin Firth. The scene stayed, and so did the Rating of Box Office Death.

Stay tuned...

REST IN PEACE, GENTLEMEN...

2006-02-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

The entertainment world lost two more good ones on the weekend:

Don Knotts (1924-2006)
From Fife to Furley, this is one guy who had his comic timing spot on. The Andy Griffith Show had plenty of characters that were memorable, but none have endured quite like klutzy Deputy Barney Fife. They say lightning doesn't strike twice -- and they're right. As Ralph Furley, the wannabe swinging landlord on Three's Company, Knotts created a character that, while not of the stature of his crime fighting predecessor, was still a vital part of an iconic show. He also re-teamed with old pal Griffith for a few episodes of Matlock in the nineties. He will be missed.

Darren McGavin (1922-2006)
He made dozens of guest appearances in TV series and movies and is fondly remembered by many for his multiple turns as the monster-hunting Carl Kolchak during the seventies. But I'm betting even more people remember McGavin as the nutty, ranting, leg-lamp worshipping father in A Christmas Story. If the Kolchak didn't cement him in the annals of pop culture, his hilarious turn as Ralphie Parker's old man certainly did. He, too, will be missed.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.08

2006-02-26T13:38:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. Well, mostly. Some of it is true. Just not the parts that aren't as true as the parts that are.)

Here is this week's celebrity news, as told from the bottom of an empty vodka bottle:

LINDSAY LOHAN
The singer slash actress is peeved at the media because of its propensity for calling her a "teen queen." Lohan is trying to cultivate a more mature and sophisticated image, and thinks that the media's moniker for her is holding her back. Says LiLo, "I happen to have a huge adult following. I mean, just because they're all, like, perverted old men Googling for jailbait hotties is no reason to stick me with a 'teen queen' label."

JOE PESCI
The actor, who just returned to film after an eight year break, is breathing a sigh of indifference for not being charged with assault after a violent incident with a fan last month. Pesci was accused of belting student Juan Carlos Montenegro upside the head after Montenegro allegedly snapped a picture of the reclusive star. Pesci, for his part, doesn't understand what the fuss is about. When contacted by a reporter, Pesci said, "yeah, I hit him. So what? He should consider himself lucky. It's not like I went all 'Tommy DeVito' on him."

DANIEL CRAIG
The latest James Bond is being broadsided by an internet fan campaign to boycott his first turn in the role when Casino Royale hits theatres this November. Craig, who pondered the role for a year before accepting it, isn't fazed by the pressure of taking on the role, though. Said the actor, tongue firmly stuck in cheek, "after I'm done with Bond I want to move onto something less stressful. I'll be petitioning the British government to allow me to become the next King of England."

KID ROCK
The rapping rocker has won a temporary ban against Red Light District that prevents the company from distributing a pornographic amateur video that the recording artist partook in. The video shows the Kid Rock, along with former Creed front man Scott Stapp, being serviced below the belt line by a group of morality challenged young ladies. A spokesperson for the star spoke to reporters after the court session, saying, "Kid Rock is relieved that this injunction has been issued, but he was a little disappointed when the judge inadvertantly referred to him as 'Kok Rock.'"

CELINE DION
The Canadian and semi-permanent Las Vegas resident teamed up with Sir Elton John last Monday to perform a series of duets during a benefit for hurricane victims held at Caesars Palace. The event managed to raise over $2 million for employees Harrah's Entertainment Inc. that were affected by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita last year. Not all in attendance were fans of both singers, however. Said one woman, who managed to get an autograph when she bumped into Elton and Celine when they were talking after the show, "I can't believe I was in the company of such a famous singer. By the way, who was the skinny drag queen standing next to Elton John?"

DOLLY PARTON
The buxom country star will be attending the Academy Awards alone after husband Carl Dean refused to go with her. Parton is attending because her song, "Travelin' Thru'" from the film Transamerica, is nominated for an Oscar. There was no word from Parton as to why Dean wouldn't be attending, but a spokesperson for the Academy was able to clear up the mystery. Said the mouth piece, "Mr. Dean wanted to attend with Ms. Parton, but he just didn't think there would be enough room for the four of them."

And on that mammarable note, I'm outta here.

Stay tuned...

TURIN-ED OFF

2006-02-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

There are only a couple of days left in the latest incarnation of the quadrennial frigid games, and for that, I couldn't be happier.

Once upon a younger day, I was a hard core sports fan. By hard core, I do NOT mean I was into athletes getting it on. Although, with the right athletes... Ahem.

No, what I mean is I was into every sport imaginable. I watched baseball, hockey, football, auto racing, soccer, horse racing, skiing, ski jumping, swimming, tennis, squash, curling -- you name it.

Now I get bored just thinking of any of those. Well, except for baseball and football. They get special exemptions.

But the Olympics? Winter or summer, it doesn't matter. Hot or cold, it's a trip to Dullsville.

Now, I will admit that I read the papers. I follow the medal counts. It's nice, as a Canadian, to see the Maple Leaf getting its due.

But watch this sludge? I don't think so.

Even the hockey is boring. Some will say it's because the Canadian team sucked icicles. Others will say it's because the American team sucked icicles. I'll say it's because the officiating was a joke and the whole concept of shutting down a major league in mid-season is tiring for the players.

Well, I've got some news for them: It ain't a picnic for some of the folks at home, either. The last thing an overly long hockey season needs is an extension.

Of course, my apathy might be due to other factors.

Maybe I'm (finally) growing up and I've outgrown the whole competition thing. Or, maybe I'm just pissed because none of my favourite TV shows are on the tube while activities that, in many cases, could barely be called sports get plastered everywhere. Say what you want about its popularity, but figure skating is not much of a sport. Nor are many of the other Olympic events that are decided by something other than a clock or a scoreboard.

Let's face it, when the "scoring" is put in the hands of humans, it becomes a popularity contest. And a popularity contest does not make for a good sport.

It's not really anything resembling intelligent entertainment, either. Some will argue with me, and that's fine and dandy. I'll just smile and say they're wrong. Then I'll tell them to eat my shorts.

You see, I'm not a good sport, either.

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-02-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

From a scandal of Presidential proportions this film sprang. Watergate has become so ingrained in pop culture that every time the shit hits the Capitol building, the scandal is named "something-Gate." Which I find really irritating, for reasons I can't quite explain.

Not content with that little brick in the pop culture wall, Watergate also gave us Deep Throat -- the informer, not the porn film. For a generation nobody really knew who Deep Throat was. I'm sure there are those who hold to their claim that it was Linda Lovelace. And, from their perspective, they'd be right. But only because the eject button on their VCRs are broken. W. Mark Felt would probably disagree, however.

In any case, Deep Throat and the American Presidency will be linked forever. Which surprises me that some enterprising filmmaker hasn't recombined the two to make a movie about the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair. I can see it now, coming to a theatre near you -- All the President's (Se)Men.

Ahem.

ALSO OUT TODAY:

3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN
The Solomon clan (or crew, or whatever you want to call them) finally get a real life visit from their boss, the Big Giant Head, played to boozing and womanizing perfection by William Shatner. Who'da thunk that Shatner could play an egotistical spacefaring dude who's a ringer with the ladies, eh? I mean, it's not like he ever played a character like that before. This set contains 27 episodes on four discs.

CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIOPATHIC SOCIAL CLIMBER
According to IMDB.com, this movie is about "a 28-year-old ad sales exec (who) stops at nothing to climb her way to the top of the San Francisco social ladder." Since it stars Jennifer Love Hewitt -- and I haven't seen it -- I can only imagine that stopping at nothing means being exceptionally perky and annoying. Now if it had been Paris Hilton in the starring role, well, you know...

MIDNIGHT COWBOY (Collector's Edition)
The 1969 Oscar winner for Best Picture gets a nice lush release with this collector's edition, which replaces the lame non-anamorphic version released about six years ago. As it always is with classic films, it's about frickin' time.

NYPD BLUE - Season 3
Is this the season where Sipowicz gets a new partner? No, wait. That was last season. I think. Pfft, how could anyone possibly keep track. The guy's had more partners than Hugh Hefner. This box has 22 episodes on four discs.

RENT (Special Edition)
Rent, the play, was (and, I'm guessing, still is) a huge box office and critical success, and won a gazillion awards. With visions of greenbacks dancing in their heads, producers of the movie version hired the guy who put Harry Potter on the screen to direct. Chris Columbus might seem like an odd choice, but the buzz is that he did a pretty good job.

STUART LITTLE 3: CALL OF THE WILD (Special Edition)
Michael J. Fox, Hugh Laurie, Geena Davis and Jonathan Lipnicki return for this third installment of the little rodent that could. Or at least their larynxes do, since this one is totally animated. It's probably just as well since Fox was tired of cramming himself into that itty-bitty mouse suit, Laurie is better at being a grumpy medicine man, Davis is tied up with running the country and Lipnicki is probably in his thirties by now.

THE WEATHER MAN
It barely made a blip at the box office, but like many other turnstile-challenged productions, this film gets a second chance to strut its stuff on DVD. Critics found it to be dark and satirical, which kind of contrasted with the marketing for the movie, which was quite a bit lighter in tone. But then, the critics said the same thing about Bambi.

Stay tuned...

BEATLES NOT FOR SALE

2006-02-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

In a throwback to my good ol' Rant King era, I'm in a bit of a ranting mood today. But I'm not going to do it here. I've parlayed my love of all things Fab into another site, which is over there. Which is where I'm saying my piece today. If you're a Beatles fan go have a read. And if you're not, well, I have no comment. Don't want to be offending anyone today, now do I?

I'll be back tomorrow with some DVD stuff.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.07

2006-02-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: The following contains X parts truth and X parts fiction. Just one more X and we're in porn territory.)

Here is this week's celebrity news, twisted into something barely distinguishable from the real thing by someone who's, um, twisted:

RACHEL McADAMS
The Canadian-born actress backed out at the last minute of a nude Vanity Fair shoot with fellow thespians Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson after deciding she didn't want her goods out there for all to see. She was replaced on the cover pic, shot by legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz, by guest art director Tom Ford, who kept his clothes on. Ford sympathized with McAdams, saying, "it's always hard for a woman to do a nude shoot, although in this case we could have just hidden Rachel behind Scarlett's wondrous pair."

TOM CAVANAGH
Some guys just can't get a break. The former star of the late and underappreciated dramedy Ed has seen his new show on CBS pushed to the sidelines after only three episodes. Cavanagh's Love Monkey was dropped due to low ratings, but an on-set insider says the show's unpopularity has nothing to do with Cavanagh, but has everything to do with the "freakishly odd casting choice of some Jason Priestley look-alike in an 'old and fat suit.'"

MENA SUVARI
The star of many an American movie has rebounded from her split from husband Robert Brinkmann last May. Suvari has apparently been dating breakdancer Mike Carrasco for the past six months. Says Suvari, "we met at a breakdancing event. He didn't know who I was or anything, and I told him a few lies to make sure things stay that way. The lovable doofus -- he still thinks he's dating a waitress from Sausalito."

SHANNEN DOHERTY
The former star of Charmed and Beverly Hills, 90210 got lucky last week after suffering only minor injuries when her Range Rover collided with another car. Doherty was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she was treated. An employee of the hospital, who requested anonymity, spoke to reporters. Said the employee, "despite her injuries, she was bitter, cantankerous and a flat-out bitch. In other words, she's recovering nicely."

ELISHA CUTHBERT
One of 24's most misunderstood characters returns to the show over the next few weeks when Kim Bauer makes an appearance. The character, played by Cuthbert, spent most of her time during the first three seasons of the show in some kind of peril. In season one, she was abducted. In the second season she was chased by a cougar and held captive by a lonely hermit. And in season three she became a temporary Counter Terrorist Unit field agent and almost got herself killed. But Cuthbert insists this brief return will be safe for Kim. Says Elisha, "Kim's just finding out her dad's alive, so I get to play Kim all emotional. There will be no more cougars. But if the show's still around in 15 years, and Kim's still single, who knows -- I might get to play one."

PARIS HILTON
The world's most notorious socialite was the target of a powdered protest last week when the militant animal rights organization PETA pelted Hilton and designer Julien MacDonald with flour in a protest against the duo's love for fur. Immediately aftwards, a defiant Hilton laughed off the incident and left to clean herself up. Said a witness, "Paris is apparently back at her hotel taking a shower. With her reputation, I'm pretty sure it's not the first time she's been de-floured."

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-02-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Only so often does a science fiction show come along with original characters, sharply written stories and special effects so bad, that a group of 7-year olds at an art camp could improve upon them. Unless it's the sixties, in which case such a show pops up every 18 months or so. Star Trek, Lost in Space, Land of the Giants, The Time Tunnel and (ta-da!) Doctor Who. Most of these shows did their run and then politely made their way to the pop culture scrap heap. But some got a second chance. Then there was the good Doctor, who didn't know when to leave, until he was told to get the hell out in 1989 when the BBC finally put the show out of its misery.

Flash forward to 1996 and the BBC, in tandem with FOX, tried to revive the show with an Americanized made-for-TV movie that did nothing more than confuse people on both sides of the Atlantic. When that fizzled into ratings oblivion, people thought Who was dead forever. But then an enterprising BBC exec named Lorraine Heggessey decided that the world was ready for another variation of everyone's favourite Time Lord. And so a new Doctor Who, to be produced by Russell T. Davies, was born.

And what a birth it was. Starring acclaimed actor Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor, and Billie Piper as his sidekick, Rose, the show ate up the Saturday night ratings on BBC1. It kept the continuity of the original show, but with several notable improvements. It had more action and much better special effects (who could forget the cheap cardboard-like sets from the original incarnation, not to mention the cheesy monsters, one of which consisted of an actor inside a suit of bubble wrap painted green). But like the original, it was well written and the performances were spot on. And there were Daleks. Lots and lots of Daleks.

As for the main man, Eccleston's Doctor is a mishmash of several others, most notably fourth Doctor Tom Baker and second Doctor Patrick Troughton. Piper, meanwhile, looked like a suspect choice to be the Doctor's sidekick. After watching the first thirteen episodes, it will be hard to imagine anyone else tagging along with the Doctor once Piper inevitably moves on.

The last episode ends with a bit of a cliffhanger. Well, sort of. Those who don't know Doctor Who probably won't know what the heck is going on. And those that do, they know what I'm talking about, anyway. Whether you're new to the Who universe, or a veteran Whovian, this is an enjoyable series for anyone with a fertile imagination.

(NOTE TO AMERICAN FANS: Since you're just now getting this show on the Sci-Fi channel, this set won't be available in the U.S. until July. If you're patient, enjoy the show as it airs. If you can't wait, there's always Amazon.ca.)

ALSO OUT TODAY:

ALL-AMERICAN GIRL - Complete Series
Comedienne Margaret Cho does her bitchy "I'm American but I'm Asian, too -- so there" thang to perfection in this sitcom from the mid-nineties that practically nobody watched. Too bad, because she's a funny gal. This set contains all 19 episodes on four discs.

CHARLES IN CHARGE - Season 1
Before there was Full House (ick, cough, spit), there was this piece of (be nice), ahem, uh, flotsam that did it's darndest to give sitcoms a bad name in the eighties. Yes, Scott Baio could still make the girls swoon. And, yes, Willie Aames was still annoying as hell. But the two obviously had something going right for them. They starred together in a cheesy teen flick called Zapped! and then they migrated to the small screen in this show that had Baio doing the Tony Danza housekeeper-like thing. It died after a season, only to be resuscitated a year later, with Chachi, uh, I mean Charles living with a different family. Included in this new family was Nicole Eggert, before she underwent certain necessary gravity straining Baywatch-able enhancements. This set contains 22 episodes on three discs.

GIMME A BREAK - Season 1
Vivacious Nell Carter fills the small screen in so many ways in this eighties sitcom about a housekeeper and the police chief's family that she raises. It was quirky, cute and a little bit Diff'rent StrokeS-ish. It also gave us Joey Lawrence. Hey, I didn't say it was perfect. This box contains 19 episodes on three discs. (NOTE: For whatever reason, this release is not yet available at Amazon.ca.)

GREY'S ANATOMY - Season 1
This show made its debut last spring, replacing Boston Legal on Sunday nights. It did so well it never gave the time slot back. This caused Boston Legal creator David Kelley to briefly consider changing the name of his show to Wally Pipp (P.S. I'm joking - seriously). But, alas, Legal made it back on the schedule... on Tuesday nights. As for this Grey's Anatomy set, it contains nine episodes on two discs.

ZATHURA (Special Edition)
From the universe that gave us Jumanji comes another game that kids shouldn't play, lest they be put in mortal danger. Or something like that. Most games just aren't fun if somebody isn't on the verge of croaking, wouldn't you say? I mean, nobody ever died playing Monopoly. Uh, did they?

Stay tuned...

A MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS SHARK

2006-02-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

"You're much more likely to be attacked by lightning or by your own toilet than you are by a shark."

-- Peter Benchley

* * * * *

It makes for silly thinking, but that is a mighty fine quote.

And it might also be a silly thought, but where would Steven Spielberg be today without Peter Benchley?

Parallel universes being what they are, well, who knows. But one thing is for certain: Spielberg's impact on the world of pop culture would not be nearly as big had he not adapted a certain Benchley novel into a logistically-plagued, but box office busting film in the mid-seventies.

I am, of course, talking about Jaws.

The film stands out as one of the biggest selling movies of all time, especially when one takes inflation into account. When adjustments are made for such things, Jaws should still be among the top ten biggest moneymakers Hollywood has ever seen.

But what of the book? And its author?

Well, sadly, Peter Benchley passed away yesterday after a long illness. But no matter what one thinks of his novels (I've read two -- one good, one not so much), his place in pop culture history is secure. The book spent 40 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list in 1974, so it was not without its own merits. And it should stand on its own because, as anyone who has read the book will attest, it is well written and drastically different than the movie it spawned.

Different, how? Well, it's much darker (as in nastier) than the movie. The Chief Brody character has more to deal with than just a shark, and isn't shy with his anger. Also, at least one character who survives in the film becomes shark food in the book.

Was it better than the movie? Most would say probably not. I would count myself among them. But without the book, there is no movie. And without the movie, well, Spielberg still would have made it. But he may well have been muted in his success.

As for Benchley, he continued to write. And his writing continued to be filmed.

The Deep (published in 1976) hit the big screen in 1977 and starred Robert Shaw (who played the arrogant fisherman Quint in Jaws) and Jacqueline Bisset. The film did well, but became better known for Bisset's appearance in a wet t-shirt than for any scares it generated.

In 1979, Benchley published The Island, a miserable story about nasty modern-day pirates plying their trade on hapless Caribbean tourists. The next year it would appear on-screen in a film directed by Michael Ritchie and starring Michael Caine and David Warner. It was as equally forgettable.

After that, things dried up a bit for Benchley. He still wrote, but Hollywood stopped calling. His books made a comeback of sorts in the nineties when The Beast (published in 1991 and filmed in 1996) and Creature (published in 1997 and filmed in 1998) hit the small screen.

And, of course, he was much in demand when Jaws (the film) celebrated its 25th anniversary in 2000.

Benchley spent his last years as a passionate champion for the ocean and its inhabitants. He also wrote three books of non-fiction about sharks.

He will no doubt be missed by his peers, both on land and at sea. And who knows, the carcharodon carcharias may even miss him, too.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.06

2006-02-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: All of the following is mostly, kinda, sorta untrue. But who knows, with some people?)

You know, sometimes people do things that are so incredibly stupid and unbelievable, that it's really hard to motivate oneself into making stuff up to top it. So today, I'm not even going to try.

That said, I would like to take this brief opportunity to nominate Mrs. Britney Spears-Federline as "Celebrity Mother of the Year." And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. That she would risk her son's life to protect him from the inconveniences of celebritydom speaks volumes about the kind of parent she is.

But I suppose I shouldn't be so hard on her.

She may be daft, but at least she's not Lindsay Lohan, who can't tell the difference between Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams so she plays it safe by hanging out with both of 'em. Or Paris Hilton, who is guilty of airing her dirty laundry all over the place, even though she's probably never washed a garment in her life and is so frequently in and out of her knickers that to name a clothing line after herself would be totally oxymoronic. Or Jessica Simpson, the former goody two-shoes Christian girl who, I'm fairly certain, fails to consult her bible before choosing the right slutty attire to wear to a Hollywood party.

And so on. And so on.

But Britney, well, she takes the cake. Marrying K-Fed and giving him full access to her bank account seemed like the height of stupidity. Who knew that the clouds would part so that another peak would be visible, and so easy to climb.

Somehow Britney managed it. So, to properly (dis)honour her, I am pleased to name her as the first member of the Poop'D Culture Hall of Shame. Sadly, there's no plaque to hang, but then it would probably just fall off the wall and hit her in the head anyway.

Just for fun, here's a quick look back at Britney's Sunday Crapola appearances, which when compared to her recent real life activity, seem almost believable:

June 12, 2005
The enigmatic pop star's Chaotic reality show drew to a close with the debut airing of Brit's latest music video. In a post-Chaotic interview, she dedicated her next album to husband Kevin Federline. The untitled record's first three singles will be called "Please Shower Honey," "You're Still Dirty," and "It's Called A 'Razor,' You Stupid Bastard."

September 11, 2005
The on-hiatus because she's pregnant pop star made the headlines recently by storming onto the set of Zoey 101 (little sister Jamie Lynn Spears' TV show) and tearing into one of her sister's co-stars. Apparently Jamie Lynn and co-star Alexa Nikolas have not been getting along, causing Britney to spill her hormones all over the place in her sister's defense. One entertainment reporter thought it might be due to post-partum depression, until it was pointed out to the doofus wag that Britney is still carrying. A Los Angeles psychologist claims to have the answer, though, saying that Spears' ungluing is more likely due to post-federline depression.

October 23, 2005
The pop singer made her first public appearance since giving birth to son Sean last month when she and hubby Kevin Federline had dinner at a Malibu restaurant. Fellow diners seemed impressed by how fit and slim Spears looked, although one smartass was heard to quip, "she'd look even better if she could get rid of the other dead weight she walked in with."

October 30, 2005
The gal who lost the title of Lip-Synch Queen to the ill-fated Ashlee Simpson has made the tabs again when she reportedly criticized hubby Kevin Federline's singing after her man had his first turn in a recording studio. A witness to it claims Britney was unimpressed by Kevin's work, after which "Kevin looked really hurt." But Federline, to his credit, is not giving up. His first album, My Wife is the Pot, and I am the Kettle will be released next year.

November 13, 2005
Still on lip-sync hiatus after the arrival of son Sean Preston, the pop star has managed to fend off a lawsuit from an aspiring songwriter. Steve Wallace claimed in an Indiana court that Spears' song "Sometimes" was ripped from a track he wrote. After a comparison in court that showed a slight resemblance between the two songs, the case was thrown out by District Court Judge John D. Tinder. Spears' legal problems may not be over, however. "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops, I Did It Again" were also played back to back in the courtroom, after which Judge Tinder recommended that Spears hang on to her lawyer in the event that she ends up suing herself.

November 20, 2005
The tabloids' mom of the moment has reportedly been told by a psychic that she'll be pregnant again within six months. According to friends, Spears always visits a psychic before making any major decisions that will affect her life. But the psychic had more to tell. When Spears asked what 2006 would be like for her, the medium responded, "you'll be carrying a child in six months... but your drifter of a husband will be an expectant father in four."

Stay tuned...

DVD TUESDAY

2006-02-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

Before I get on with the discs, let me just say that last night's 24 jumped the shark -- big time. But then this show's jumped the shark so many times ol' Jaws must feel like a landing strip at LAX. I mean, how the hell does a Federal agent like Jack Bauer get outsmarted by a 15-year old girl? Tee-hee-hee...

Okay, I've finished giggling. Here are today's notable DVD releases:

Of the classic Jack Webb shows that made their DVD debuts last August (Adam 12 was the other), this would seem to be the one that sold the best since the second season got a pretty quick release. There was a lot to like about this show about the perils faced by a pair of Los Angeles paramedics and their firefighting colleagues. Can't wait for season three. This set contains 21 episodes on three discs.

When this show first popped up on FOX in 1991 I didn't know what to make of it. Apparently, neither did the network. They canned it after two seasons, but it got a second chance when it was scooped up by then-fledgling weblet The WB, where it toughed it out for two more seasons. It was actually pretty good and probably deserved more. This first season set contains 20 episodes on four discs.

The eighties and early nineties were notorious for overly sentimental schmaltzy sitcoms that made one feel artificially good while dangerously clogging the arteries. This was one of those shows. But I can't be too harsh since it more or less introduced Leonardo DiCaprio to the entertainment world (which may or may not be a good thing) and it starred Joanna Kerns (uh, definitely a good thing). This box contains 22 episodes on four discs.

This is another in the long line of sequels to hit movies that make a bee line for the DVD rack while avoiding movie theatres like they're bubonic or something. But then who'd line up to watch the theatrical antics of, um, Nikki Deloach and Demet Akbag? Sandra Bullock at her least was never this much of a nobody.

No relation to the scary-as-hell Tobe Hooper film, this series gets mentioned here for two reasons: one, because it was filmed in Canada and two, because it wasn't half bad.

This critically acclaimed film hasn't exactly seen the same kind of respect at the DVD end of things. Criterion released this on DVD way back in 1999, but it's been out of print for several years. For the record, I'm not knocking Criterion. There is no company more respectful when it comes to releasing DVDs. But why it's taken Warner Brothers so long to release their own special edition is anyone's guess. And since I'm anyone on this site, I'm going to guess legal issues.

The release of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, and its leap to #1 at the box office, was one of those great stories in the movie industry for 2005. Unfortunately, the celebration of the movie's release was dampened when a warehouse containing props and sets from previous incarnations of Wallace & Gromit went up in smoke. A sad, sentimental loss to be sure. But since the film made more than $100 million at the box office I'm guessing the pain felt by Wallace & Gromit animators Aardman Animations was lessened somewhat.

Stay tuned...

THE NAME GAME

2006-02-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

Silly Bowl? Sloppy Bowl? SeahawksMurderedTheClock Bowl?

It was anything but Super.

Yeah, it had its entertaining moments. Matt Hasselbeck dipsy doodling in the backfield in the first half. Willie Parker's big run from scrimmage. Antwaan Randle El making like Joe Montana, which is significant since Ben Roethlisberger wasn't up to the job for most of the game.

But Super? No way.

Still, out of all that slop, it's still worth taking a look back. Here is my take on Super Bowl EX-ELL (minus the wonderful commercials, which failed to make it to my Canadian TV):

6:05PM
The National Football League holds a parade of former Super Bowl MVPs. Some of these old guys (notably Roger Staubach and Lynn Swann) looked like they might still be able to play. Then there's Joe Namath, who looked like he came straight from Happy Hour at the local watering hole. At least he didn't try to kiss anyone.

6:13PM
Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin sing a song for the audience. A team of forensic musicologists later confirm the song to be "The Star Spangled Banner."

6:18PM
Harrison Ford talks football via Dr. Seuss' The Places You Go, somewhat appropriate since this particular Super Bowl game was held at HIS field (uh, Ford, not Seuss). Fans are left wondering about the places Ford goes, though. Like, when's he going to make it all the way back to Indiana.

6:20PM
John Madden, the rotund newly-elected member of the Hall of Fame, shares screen time with partner Al Michaels at a ratio of 2 to 1. Madden had the right two-thirds of the screen while Michaels squeezed himself into the rest.

6:22PM
In a part of the broadcast that seems to go on forever, the team captains are named for the ceremonial coin toss to be conducted by the strangely-attired Tom Brady. A TV watchers group immediately draws up a petition to have the NFL name the non-captains instead, since it will shave several wasted minutes off the broadcast.

6:23PM
Brady tosses the coin, which rolls to tails. The Seahawks win the toss and elect to receive the Lombardi Trophy. They glumly agree to receive the kick off instead.

6:24PM
ABC sends the broadcast down to the field for reports from sideline broadcasters Romy & Michele. (What? Oh. Right) Ahem, I mean Suzy & Michele.

6:27PM
The Steelers Jeff Reed kicks off to start the game, ending the longest pre-game show in NFL history. At least until next year.

6:34PM
The Seahawks punt, with the Steelers taking over on their own 20. The vaunted Steelers offence goes three and out on their first possession.

6:39PM
Michaels and Madden inform the audience that the game will feature a total of 108 footballs. This bit of seemingly useless information inadvertently causes the price of bacon to skyrocket.

6:59PM
Seahawks' kicker Josh Brown sends a 47-yard field goal dead centre through the uprights to give his team a 3-0 lead with 0:22 left in the first quarter. It would be the last time he would be so accurate.

7:14PM
The Bus arrives home. Jerome Bettis enters the field of play for the first time.

7:16PM
Antwaan Randle El catches a Ben Roethlisberger pass for the Steelers' first first down of the game. A horde of Steelers' fans waving yellow towels go crazy.

7:17PM
Hines Ward catches a Ben Roethlisberger pass for the Steelers' second first down of the game. The terrible towelers go crazier.

7:20PM
Roethlisberger is picked off by Seahawks' safety Michael Boulware. The terrible towelers wipe the tears from their eyes.

7:40PM
Roethlisberger squeaks across the goal line for a touchdown. We thinks.

7:43PM
Referee Bill Leavy verifies the touchdown via instant replay. Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren sees his blood pressure spike. 7-3 Steelers.

7:53PM
The Seahawks miss a 53-yard field goal attempt as Brown boots it (barely) wide right. This comes after some peculiar play calling and clock management by the Seahawks' offense. They couldn't have possibly done a worse job working the clock. But then, the game ain't over yet.

7:59PM
Chris Berman and a cast of thousands present the half-time report. Included are the views of Steve "How Weird Are My Ears" Young, Michael "No, I Don't Have Tourette's" Irvin and Tom "I'm The Normal Looking One" Jackson.

8:00PM
My ass goes numb. I can't move. Nothing to do with the game, but fascinating nonetheless.

8:06PM
The Rolling Stones perform three songs on a stage that barely does the pucker of Mick Jagger justice. Or, In this case, "Rough Justice." The other two songs are "Start Me Up" and "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."

8:20PM
The Stones wrap things up with an awkward and completely out of sync group bow.

8:21PM
My ass mysteriously un-numbs itself. Must have been a half-time show thing.

8:30PM
The Seahawks kick off to start the second half.

8:32PM
The Steelers' Willie Parker takes the ball on the second play from scrimmage and rumbles 75 yards into the end zone. 14-3 Steelers.

8:41PM
Josh Brown misses another field goal try for the Seahawks, this time (barely) wide left from 50 yards.

8:52PM
The Steelers advance toward the end zone, only to have the drive snuffed out when Roethlisberger throws a ridiculously bad pass right into the hands of Seahawks' cornerback Kelly Herndon. Herndon runs it back 76 yards to the Steelers' 20. Can you say momentum shift?

8:54PM
Hasselbeck throws a 16-yard pass to tight end Jerramy Stevens for a touchdown. 14-10 Steelers.

9:02PM
Nothing much is happening. Getting slightly bored, I start humming the Jeopardy theme.

9:15PM
The third quarter ends with a whimper and a yawn. Let the real fun begin, I says.

9:21PM
Hasselbeck is sacked by Steelers' tackle Casey Hampton. Momentum shifts back the Three Rivers way.

9:28PM
THE PLAY. Roethlisberger pitches the ball to Willie Parker, who reverses to Antwaan Randle El. The Steelers' receiver (and former college quarterback) throws a bomb down field right into the waiting hands of Hines Ward, who scores the touchdown. The entire city of Seattle goes silent.

9:33PM
The Seahawks continue to stumble as Hasselbeck coughs up the ball and the Steelers recover.

9:34PM
Seahawks' coach Mike Holmgren challenges.

9:36PM
Referee Leavy overrules via instant replay. The pink slowly drains from Holmgren's face.

9:39PM
Hasselbeck is sacked by Steelers' defensive back Deshea Townsend. The punting team comes on the field.

9:53PM
The Steelers finish working the clock down to the two-minute warning.

9:55PM - 10:02PM
The Seahawks get the ball back, and for the life of them, don't know what the hell to do with it. Needing two possessions to score the necessary points to tie or win, Hasselbeck wastes the rest of the game on one possession. An unconfirmed report has the FBI launching an investigation into Mike Holmgren's clock management and play calling. Football fans in Seattle start lining up for the opportunity to smack Matt Hasselbeck upside the head. Elisabeth Hasselbeck cancels her brother-in-law's upcoming appearance on The View.

10:07PM
Hines Ward is named Most Valuable Player, and is given the keys to a brand spankin' new Cadillac sport utility vehicle. Steelers' coach Bill Cowher, in an emotional moment, hands the Vince Lombardi Trophy to Steelers' owner Dan Rooney, saying, "I've been waiting a long time to do this. This is yours, man."

10:15PM
I'm tired. Lights out.

Stay tuned...

SUNDAY CRAPOLA, ver. 2.05

2006-02-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

(DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. But that's only because it ain't true if it ain't happened yet.)

In honour of the big game today, I am doing two things. One, this week's Crapola will be dedicated to the biggest Super Bowl ever -- it has to be, because everybody keeps calling it Super Bowl XL. And two, because it's an American thing, I'm going to spell honour (and other applicable words) without a U. So, in honor of the game, here are some Sunday Crapola predictions. Please note that, should any of these predictions come true, they will be moved to a future piece to be titled, "Holy Shit! I Was Actually Right."

Here goes:

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
The Steelers' quarterback puts in a terrific performance, despite his controversial behavior days prior to the big game that saw him boozing it up big time. When asked by a smartass reporter whether he was going to be sober for game time, Roethlisberger shoots back, "hey, they call me Big Ben, not Big Bode."

MIKE HOLMGREN
The Seahawks head coach is unfazed despite the attempts of a nearby Steelers' fan to distract him by screaming the words to the Beatles' "I Am the Walrus." A couple of players come to Holmgren's defense and manage to shut the fan up by threatening to have him exposed to the locals as a Matt Millen supporter.

TROY POLAMALU
The player with the Sideshow Bob hairdo makes his mark on the big game with an earth shattering tackle late in the first half. The game is held up for fifteen minutes while the field is repaired after the tackle by the hard charging Steelers' safety leaves a six-inch deep, body-shaped divot at the fifty yard line.

AARON NEVILLE
The singer does a terrific job of singing the "Star Spangled Banner," despite being the second choice of the NFL. The league's first choice was Mariah Carey, who wanted the gig but couldn't make it because the Super Bowl interferes with her Sunday buffet.

BILL COWHER
In the dying seconds of the game, Steelers' players do the obligatory Gatorade cooler dump over their coach. Cowher, though, manages to stay dry for the most part, since his chin manages to deflect most of the liquid.

MATT HASSELBECK
The Seahawks' field general struggles as the Steelers go home with their fifth Super Bowl title. A teary-eyed Hasselbeck tells reporters, "I'm sorry I let everyone down. I take full responsibility. But mostly I'm upset that I blew a chance to appear on my sister-in-law's TV show."

MICK JAGGER
The stoic lead singer of the Rolling Stones manages to make it through the entire half-time show, despite breaking a hip, losing his false teeth and forgetting the lyrics to "Start Me Up."

TERRY BRADSHAW
The Steelers quarterbacking legend makes an appearance, despite having the weekend off with ABC televising the game instead of FOX. Bradshaw gets upset when reporters ignore him in favor of current Steelers' QB Ben Roethlisberger. A weepy Bradshaw exclaims, "hey, gang, come on. I used to have hair, too!"

Go Steelers.

Stay tuned...

THE GREAT GROUNDHOG REBUTTAL 2

2006-02-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

On this Groundhog Day, February 2nd
(Oh, rats, not again...)

the year 2006 on Gobbler's Knob, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
(They know where they are, idiot.)

Punxsutawney Phil
(For the last time, it's PHILIP!)

King of the Groundhogs
(Okay, so get on your knees and kiss my ass.)

Father of all Marmota
(What's a Marmota, anyway?)

Seer of Seers
(Okay, fine! Take the Steelers and the points.)

Prognosticator of Prognosticators
(Yeah, say THAT three times fast.)

has been summoned by Groundhog President William Cooper
(I'm sure his family is very proud.)

Phil gleefully exited his burrow at 7:31 a.m.
(What can I say -- I'm thrilled.)

to be greeted by his longtime friend and handler, Bill Deeley
(Up yours, Billy.)

who held him high so he could greet the large throng of Faithful Followers
(How about warming those hands before you go grabbing the groundhog jewels, eh pal?)

He wished them all a "Happy Groundhog Day."
(Go home, inbreeders.)

Bill placed him atop the old oak stump where he surveyed his surroundings
(The place still looks like shit.)

He then turned to President William
(Bring that nose a little bit closer so I can take a little bite...)

and in Groundhogese
(Yeah, like you morons have the brains to speak my language!)

directed him to the scroll which reads:

Natural disasters have been a terrible thing; tsunamis,
downpours, floods, landslides, heavy snowstorms, avalanches,
frigid temperatures, sleet and freezing rain.
They all cause much destruction, suffering and pain.
(You're blaming me for those? Pfft.)

When it seems like too much with which to cope;
The coming of spring brings us new hope.
Changing seasons is a wonderful thing.
(Speaking of change, you might want to try a better deodorant.)

Now it's Groundhog Day and we think of spring.
Will Spring come early or will it come late?
(Why don't you just flip a coin so I can get some sleep?)

It's time for me to prognosticate.
As I study the sun
It's all about fun.
(Yeah, yeah. Whatever.)

But I'm sorry to say
I see my shadow today.
When my shadow I see,
Six more weeks of winter there will be!
(Hey, what happened to the first six weeks...)

Stay tuned...